vaya

AS relapsed and had to leave rehab last Tuesday. continued using heroin after I let him stay temporarily in my home ( after 9 month absence & swearing he'd never come back). He's been here 5 days now. Last night said he'd have to find other place, since this is temporary and I don't want to get in trouble with management.

Last night it was pouring rain and really cold so I let him stay if there were no problems. he lost his stuff and his skateboard after passing out somewhere while he was out. Hoped he'd realize the error of his ways and let him know I'd pay for sober living if he wanted to get back on track. Otherwise he knows he has to find somewhere else or just go.

He woke up late today after 3pm. I was glad no drama during that time, other than him trying to get me to give him a ride ( like I stupidly used to).

I'm glad I stood my ground and refused to give him a ride to his connection today after he was afraid he wouldn't make it. I didn't get mad. Just said I can't and wont' contribute to his using. He has other choices. I let him know I would give him a ride to rehab or the hospital or somewhere for help.

I'm getting better at stating what I won't do and that this is temporary and meaning it. it kills me to watch him at the junction of sanity vs insanity and see the path he chooses. he can't possibly be that dope sick after a week or less.

I told him I can't help him with being dope sick and that it wasn't my problem. I wasn't harsh just to the point.

Honestly, why would I even want to help him get drugs only to have him want to come back here and try to use them? I too had a choice between sanity and insanity a few minutes ago and I had to choose sanity.

It truly isn't my problem if he overslept. he should have been glad he had a place to sleep it off while it was pouring rain today.He could be even more responsible and have asked me to wake him by a certain time or set his alarm, if it was so important for him to be up and somewhere. Imagine me thinking an addict could think rationally and at least better plan to get their drugs!

It does kill me to watch him do this and to end his temporary stay, but it kills me more to have to have a front row seat to his insanity.

I just wish the mommy pains didn't hurt so much.

Please, I don't want to send him away because people here or others say I should. I do know what I have to do and what I am no longer willing to tolerate in my life or expose my other son to.

Guess it's part of my recovery and my slip too, but it is scary and painful, albeit necessary.

Ann

Vaya, you are doing just fine. We're all walking with you.

Continue to make good decisions and the rest will fall into place.

Mama hugs to you.

chicory

Vaya,
You must do what you believe is right.... just keep trying to do the right things, even when its hard, just keep moving forward.

I agree with Ann that you are doing fine. Keep posting and keep taking care of yourself and your other son ... your Addict son is in my prayers.

hugs
chicory

vaya

Thank you for your continued support. It is pouring rain outside. I want to reach out to my AS and make sure he's ok, but am holding back.
Then I figure he'll call at some point to get dry clothes and get warm. He won't suffer as seriously from being wet and cold as he already does from using heroin. He did, after all, choose to go out in the weather. I still believe after only 6 days of using he could have opted to sleep it off and have a warm place to kick overnight or go for help somewhere tomorrow. Must remind myself addicts aren't logical or practical, they are, unfortunately, simply driven victims of a serious disease.

Oh how I mourn not seeing that son that was clear and sane during the last couple months and now seeing him possessed by addiction again!

Oh, how I wrestle between my heart and my head!