Hello Everyone
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 2
Hello Everyone
Hi everyone. I think I have read every post on this site, and it has helped me over the years. Tonight I felt the need to register and reach out. I am not well. History: I have been with my guy for 12 years...on and off. He's always been a drinker, this only became a problem when he started doing cocaine and smoking crack. This was about 6 years ago. (We have a 10 year old son). I took our son and moved. It was a relief to go to sleep peacefully at night curled up next to my son. We were apart for nearly 2 years and he weaseled his way back in. ( I let him.) I know this, and things went well for the next 2 years. During this time, I didn't see any red flags.
We decided that it was a good time for me to go back to school. So, I enrolled. I realized that I truly love school, and would be a lifetime student if I could. I love the learning environment. While I was busy with school and our son, I noticed small changes in my husband....It wasn't cocaine or crack....Now it's pain pills and alcohol. He doesn't do either everyday, and he doesn't just wake up and take a pain pill. It's only when he is drinking alcohol. I had a broken bone a year or so ago, and was prescribed hydrocodone. I didn't take many of them and the bottle sat in a cabinet. I was cleaning one day and realized that the bottle was empty, so I started paying attention. Surprise....Here we are again. Since the confrontation nearly 4 months ago, it's like our relationship was a lie. I swear this man hates me. Communication is at zero. He has wanted to "talk" a couple of times, but it didn't take me long to figure out that he just wanted to have sex. That is the lonliest feeling in the world. I refuse to relive that anymore. As of now, he is mean and cold and completely inconsiderate. Willing and happy to point out my every flaw. I don't bother pointing his out anymore. It serves no purpose. I would really like to finish my last year and a half of school, but I don't think I can take it. Everytime he gets the slightest bit upset with me, he makes it very clear that I, and our son, need to leave. What kind of man kicks his child out? It doesn't get much lower than that. I knew when I found out about the pills that my future is not with him. I am moving in that direction, but the last month has been terrible for me. I have been so unsteady. Normally, I'm very logical and can handle myself. I was crying so much that I went to the Dr and am now taking an antidepressant. I am seeing a counselor who has helped me immensely, but I can't seem to get unstuck. I'm tired of crying. I don't even know why I'm so sad. I'm now mad at myself for being so weak and for not seeing....for my child....How could I have him in this situation? I feel like an awful mother.
We decided that it was a good time for me to go back to school. So, I enrolled. I realized that I truly love school, and would be a lifetime student if I could. I love the learning environment. While I was busy with school and our son, I noticed small changes in my husband....It wasn't cocaine or crack....Now it's pain pills and alcohol. He doesn't do either everyday, and he doesn't just wake up and take a pain pill. It's only when he is drinking alcohol. I had a broken bone a year or so ago, and was prescribed hydrocodone. I didn't take many of them and the bottle sat in a cabinet. I was cleaning one day and realized that the bottle was empty, so I started paying attention. Surprise....Here we are again. Since the confrontation nearly 4 months ago, it's like our relationship was a lie. I swear this man hates me. Communication is at zero. He has wanted to "talk" a couple of times, but it didn't take me long to figure out that he just wanted to have sex. That is the lonliest feeling in the world. I refuse to relive that anymore. As of now, he is mean and cold and completely inconsiderate. Willing and happy to point out my every flaw. I don't bother pointing his out anymore. It serves no purpose. I would really like to finish my last year and a half of school, but I don't think I can take it. Everytime he gets the slightest bit upset with me, he makes it very clear that I, and our son, need to leave. What kind of man kicks his child out? It doesn't get much lower than that. I knew when I found out about the pills that my future is not with him. I am moving in that direction, but the last month has been terrible for me. I have been so unsteady. Normally, I'm very logical and can handle myself. I was crying so much that I went to the Dr and am now taking an antidepressant. I am seeing a counselor who has helped me immensely, but I can't seem to get unstuck. I'm tired of crying. I don't even know why I'm so sad. I'm now mad at myself for being so weak and for not seeing....for my child....How could I have him in this situation? I feel like an awful mother.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome Cindy, I'm sorry for your trouble but glad you joined us.
I am sorry for how you are living, it must be miserable for you living like that and sadly, it will affect your son. Children are the innocents in homes where addiction lives and the abuse and chaos is bound to hurt him deeply.
Your choices seem to be either stay where you are in a home filled with conflict and addiction and sadness...or start fresh with your boy somewhere else.
Do you have family that would take you in until you can make a better plan? If not, perhaps contact a women's shelter and maybe they can give you some good suggestions or an affordable place to live while to make other plans.
You don't have to stay stuck in this nasty situation, reaching out for help even coming here is a big step. Please find help for yourself and your boy before more harm is done.
You are among friends here, I hope you find some comfort and courage just reading around and knowing you are not alone.
Hugs
I am sorry for how you are living, it must be miserable for you living like that and sadly, it will affect your son. Children are the innocents in homes where addiction lives and the abuse and chaos is bound to hurt him deeply.
Your choices seem to be either stay where you are in a home filled with conflict and addiction and sadness...or start fresh with your boy somewhere else.
Do you have family that would take you in until you can make a better plan? If not, perhaps contact a women's shelter and maybe they can give you some good suggestions or an affordable place to live while to make other plans.
You don't have to stay stuck in this nasty situation, reaching out for help even coming here is a big step. Please find help for yourself and your boy before more harm is done.
You are among friends here, I hope you find some comfort and courage just reading around and knowing you are not alone.
Hugs
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Cindy...
Welcome to the Board. I'm very happy you've decided to take the step from lurking to posting. But I'm also really sorry that your circumstances have gotten this bad.
You and I have sometime in common: we both have a love of learning. I'm sure what's been going on has made that quite difficult, though. Twelve years is a long time to be going through this, especially when there's a child in the mix. In some ways, you can look at the step you took tonight as a turning point for you in deciding to get your life back.
Other members will be by to offer support and feedback. We have a lot of women who've been in spots like yours in various stages of recovery. They are sure to pipe in. When they do, absorb as best you can what they share with you. There's a lot of hard earned wisdom here.
Be safe, and again, Welcome to the Board.
Welcome to the Board. I'm very happy you've decided to take the step from lurking to posting. But I'm also really sorry that your circumstances have gotten this bad.
You and I have sometime in common: we both have a love of learning. I'm sure what's been going on has made that quite difficult, though. Twelve years is a long time to be going through this, especially when there's a child in the mix. In some ways, you can look at the step you took tonight as a turning point for you in deciding to get your life back.
Other members will be by to offer support and feedback. We have a lot of women who've been in spots like yours in various stages of recovery. They are sure to pipe in. When they do, absorb as best you can what they share with you. There's a lot of hard earned wisdom here.
Be safe, and again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 2
Thanks guys. The part that really, really gets to me is my child. Nothing terrible has happened, but I know it will. It's a matter of time. I make sure my child isn't at home alone with his father. My parents are always there for me, but I have the stress that my father has cancer too. I know what needs to happen here. Guess I've been feeling sorry for myself. I get excellent grades in school. What good does making the deans list really matter in real life? I just feel completely defeated. That's the word that best describes it. It takes every ounce of energy I have to make sure my child doesn't see that in me. He had a party for his basketball team last night, and I was there and mentally present. I have good times. Seems I'm having trouble being alone with myself.
K9 Trainer, Ret. Sys Engr
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 389
Cindy, I have just made the break with my now 18 year old Grand Niece who lived here with me and my husband.
It was so hard because I had trouble being as you said not logical, being emotional and feeling unbalanced.
After forcing her to leave, I realized you can't be balanced living in an emotionally abusive environment.
I hope that you have a way to get you and your son to a safe place so you can make the logical decisions you are longing for.
Welcome, keep coming back, there are so many wonderful people here who know what you are going through and are willing to reach out to let you know...you are not alone.
It was so hard because I had trouble being as you said not logical, being emotional and feeling unbalanced.
After forcing her to leave, I realized you can't be balanced living in an emotionally abusive environment.
I hope that you have a way to get you and your son to a safe place so you can make the logical decisions you are longing for.
Welcome, keep coming back, there are so many wonderful people here who know what you are going through and are willing to reach out to let you know...you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 240
I was really scared when I filed for divorce from my husband. Fear of the unknown. Wondering if I could do it on my own. However, when I put things into perspective, I realized I have been a single mom since my AH's addiction started really. I've been the one carrying us and cleaning up the messes he leaves and the dependable one. So being without him really didn't involve so much more change than being with him after all other than to lessen the stress and burden of having to constantly be on pins and needles and living in anticipation of "what could possibly happen next".
K9 Trainer, Ret. Sys Engr
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 389
Your words show that you are strong ...It may not feel like it to you, just keep lifting yourself up you will be able to feel that inner strength more and more.
I think we grieve for what could have been without the addiction.
Stay focused on what you already determined is best for you.
I think we grieve for what could have been without the addiction.
Stay focused on what you already determined is best for you.
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