LostMySparkle

Current dilemma:

Boyfriend was supposed to be in for 30 day treatment, 30 days would land on Feb. 16th. He said he wanted to be with his family (our child and myself) on Valentine's Day, so counselor agreed to discharge him on the 13th.

When I asked about all of this and why he wouldn't complete the full program, the counselor told me it's not really about the days, it's about what he does while he is in there.

Now he wants to leave before the 13th, he wants to leave today or tomorrow (the 9th or 10th)...

I thought the full 30 days would be best, but now the counselor basically made me feel stupid for saying that. What do I do? When is enough then, where do you draw the line?

suki44883

You are allowed to draw the line wherever you want. If you aren't ready for him to come home, then you don't have to let him come home. There are sober living facilities around where he can go.

To be honest, it sounds like he just wants out of rehab and Valentine's Day is a handy excuse to pull on your heart strings. You do not have to do anything you do not want to do. (((HUGS)))

LostMySparkle

What makes me unsure of what to do is that the counselor is so nonchalant about it. When I let her know how I was feeling about it and that I wasn't sure if he was getting the full experience and getting the most from the rehab, she told me that it wasn't about the days and that the days don't matter.

If that's the case, then why have programs based on days?

It just leaves me scratching my head. I wanted to make sure that he took advantage of every opportunity in rehab, yet that mentality is laughable to them.

He looks great, he's gained about 20 pounds and is definitely more present and aware. My problem is that I felt like the whole point of a 30 day program is to stay the 30 days, get your little certificate and chip, and walk out knowing that you completed something and made a great first step towards recovery.

daisy6234

I also think it about completing something all the way through. When my son was in his first rehab, husband picked him up day or so early. I was not happy. Mentally I wanted the full 30 days. And we paid for it. My thoughts are you have every right to have your bounderies when you are ready for him to be home. They caused the train wreck and we have to deal with the wreckage. Don't let the councelor bully you into something you are not ready for.

Lily1918

I think the counsellor is so nonchelant because they are so detatched. They know that he's going to do whatever he wants and there's nothing they can do to change it. They understand that the extra days wont help if he doesnt want to be there anyways, and would rather devote their time and energy on a person who does.

Please don't let the counsellors words make you feel less validated in your concerns. When they say it doesn't make a difference if he leaves early, they are right. That does NOT mean that it isn't a red flag, because it is.

Ann

Rehabs are not jails, resident are free to leave any time. The sad thing is, it's quite common for them to want to leave early before completing the program. Those that do often end up wishing they hadn't and need to learn the lesson again.

Only you can decide what you are willing to accept in your life, in your home. You get to decide how you live your life, regardless of how he lives his.

My prayers go out that this all ends well for both of you.

Hugs

aasharon90

Family intervened on me sending me into
rehab. I didn't know what to expect and
relied on those who were incharge there
to teach me about my addiction and give
me some tools to take with me when I went
home.

2 weeks in and they were ready to discharge
me, but not to home. They wanted to send me
away to a halfway house away from my little
ones and family for 6 weeks more because they
said, if I returned home I would surely drink
again.

2 weeks was not enough sober time to go away
and begin living a normal life. I needed time to
absorb what they feeding me in valuable information
to live my live upon each day I would remain sober.

I begged them to let me stay there in that facility
closer to home and would complete 28 days along
with a 6 week outpatient aftercare program attached.

I did complete everything but that didn't mean
I was cured or that I had learned everything there
was to learn in recovery to live a healthy, happy,
honest life for yrs to come.

What I had completed wasn't even a drop in
the bucket of being successfully sober. It has
taken me 24 yrs sober and living a life in recovery
continueing to learn, listen, absorbing and applying
all that I can to achieve this freedom so many spoke
about in early recovery.

I didn't just stop drinking and everything was
a okay. Was hunky dorey. It has taken me a
many one days at a time not drinking, a many
many meetings, raising my family, living life on
lifes terms, acceptance, cleaning up the clutter
in my life, going thru changes in my life etc, to
get me where I am today.

Whatever happens to him in his own recovery
will be out of ur hands, so taking care of you
to the best of ur ability will be the journey in
your life to achieve for health and happiness.

bigsombrero

Agreed. I don't know a lot of people who would fly home from an important business conference, or take the day off work because it's Valentine's Day. I agree that he's using this as a convenient excuse to fly the coop. A counselor can only do so much - they have lots of people who DO want help, and it's those people that they are going to focus on. Good luck to you, you're getting good advice here.

hopeful4

Thank you for sharing that Sharon!!!

atalose

You are aware that a rehab is not a solution to addiction but merely an opportunity for them .

Addiction is not something we can simply take care of by applying the remedy of rehab. It’s in the very nature of addiction to feed on attempts to master it.

Rehab is a chance for your boyfriend to find recovery, once he walks out those doors whether at 10 days, 24 days or whatever number of days the rest it up to him all by himself on his own to continue his recovery or not.

I think maybe your expectations of rehab are a little misguided and the counselor is correct, it’s not about the days it what he had done with them.

Nothing to feel stupid about, your concerns of him leaving early are valid. Maybe its that little inner voice inside of you that is already telling you “something is not right”.

Listen to that voice and pay attention to his actions not his words once he’s home.

zoso77

When you want, where you want.

No one is making you put up with this. No one is making you date him.

This is a moment when you have to consider what your values are, what's important to you, and what you're willing to tolerate. And when you do this, you can't be in denial about any of it.

Keep us posted.

ladyscribbler

If he's already mentally checked out, then maybe the counselor would rather spend time on people who want to be there.
I have to agree that the Valentine's Day thing sounds like and excuse, and a rather flimsy one at that. What did you guys do last V-Day? Was he using?
Just because he leaves rehab doesn't mean you have to let him live with you and your child.
Are you doing anything for yourself, like Naranon meetings or Celebrate Recovery? The rehab is support for him, not you. Being a single mom is stressful, more so when your partner is an addict. Take care.

LostMySparkle

Well, we've made it through another day.

I've realized that this will be how the rest of his life will be, mine included if I stay with him.. a life of taking everything day by day. Good days, bad days, it's always going to be about the days, even if rehab isn't.

From what I've been told, his goodbye group was today. Everyone had great things to say about him, including the transformation. Some went as far as saying he was the worst person they had ever seen when he came in, now he's great.. and all with hardly any of the medication that was offered to him.

I want to be happy about this and I think to a certain extent, I am. I just know more than likely what is coming. Visitation is tomorrow and I'm sure he will try and convince me that since he already had his goodbye group, there's no point left in staying.

Then there's Thursday. He's already said that once it hits midnight, and Thursday night becomes Friday morning, he wants to leave. I don't know what to do about that. Should that be an issue or is that fine? I just feel like this is all way too much for me to try and figure out when I have been running on no sleep.

zoso77

Turn off your computer.

Bring your tablet or phone into the bathroom, turn on some relaxing music, and take a hot, hot bath. Soak. Breathe. Relax.

Then go to bed.

Seriously. Making difficult decisions does not need to be complicated by a fatigued mind and body.

LostMySparkle

While I would love that, my toddler would not approve.

I talked to him before he went to bed and he said he is going to talk to his counselor tomorrow about leaving once Thursday becomes Friday. I honestly feel like at this point, there is no reason for me to even talk to his counselor about it. If she thought I was stupid for worrying about days, I'm not going to voice my concern about hours.

I'm just hoping that we can get through tomorrow's visitation without him trying to convince me to take him out right then and there. I guess we will just have to wait and see.

cynical one

So he want's to leave at one minute after midnight on Thursday. He's probably going to have a tough time catching a ride at that time, amiright?

Lily1918

I also find it odd to want to leave in the middle of the night.

when my AH was still my AB he left a 6 month program 2-3 months early. He asked me to pick him up and I simply could not do that. I understand that everyone has different boundaries. I had a rule for myself that said "I will not help him leave rehab early" I did not have a boundary that said "I will not be with someone who leaves rehab early"

Keep in mind that boundaries are different than rules. A rule would be "you cannot use drugs and be my boyfriend" Rules tell people what they can and cannot do. A boundary would be "I will not be the girlfriend of a person who is not seriously working a program." It seems similar, but it takes the focus off of what they choose to do, and puts it back on what we choose to do. Boundaries help us own our power.

AnvilheadII

sparkle, it's possible you misinterpreted the message from the counselor....be it 3, 30 or 300 days in rehab, it all still hinges on the addict's outlook and intention. no set number of days guarantees a thing. and that little certificate of completion is not a free pass.

as it is, your BF has spent more time and energy in the last week on getting OUT of rehab, rather than absorbing all he can while he is there. dude doesn't know jack doodly squat on how to life a sober life, and he sure as heck didn't learn all he needs to know in 20 or so days. he's being cocky and arrogant and is setting himself to fall flat on his face. i can't recall a single positive outcome from someone who left rehab early....

as for you "being told" that he was the worst case they've EVER seen and now he's virtually the Second Coming, who told you that? HIM? he's quite full of himself isn't he?

you still have the power to say NO here.....you don't HAVE to welcome him back with open arms and pick up where you left off. YOU have a life too....a very special important life completely aside from his......his addiction is his problem but it does not have to be yours as well.

glitterdeva

I am in EXACT same situation. AH is in rehab, was supposed to finish and HIS COUNSELOR said that he is ready. How great he is doing, how everything is just peachy, and he completed everything. He also wanted to come on Valentines day. I said no. Finish your days, get your chip whatever and go from there. I am scared for him to come home even after he finishes. In my opinion its pretty common - they relax, think they got it and want to finish early. And those counselors I guess they don't care much.

Whitewingeddove

I don't think its that the counselors don't care.....quite the contrary from what I have seen with my AH's and then AS's trips to rehab.

My AS has been multiple times........the last few times he didn't want to leave...he knew he was living in a nice controlled environment, but alas, the insurance provider said "enough" (After only 21 days, mind you...but that's a whole other story)

He pleaded to stay, but the counselor's told him that he had been many times (to rehab), it wasn't his first rodeo....he had the toolbox, and all the tools they could give him, but in the end, it was up to him to pick up that toolbox and USE those tools.

I guess I wouldn't get too hung up on a couple of days one way or the other. If your boyfriend is eager to get out, he has already mentally checked himself out.......sadly he's no longer getting much benefit from the program and a few extra days is not going to make a bit of difference....
I know its scary to have them come home.........I've been there more times than I can count. Just remember, you are not alone.......keep posting.......we're here!