jjj111

I think the good thing about al-anon or similar support groups for friends and family of addicts is that there is a lot of collective wisdom that has developed from all those people putting their heads together over the years. It's a community of people like you who didn't want to feel isolated because of what they were going through. Dealing with addiction in isolation can be very confusing and overwhelming.

FeelingGreat

Kelslol, I hope it works out for you two. He really sounds like he's trying very hard, and he made the also hard decision to tell you. Many addicts don't.

Can I recommend you both go to counselling, if you don't want to attend Al-anon or Nar-anon. It should preferably be with a counsellor who is experienced with addiction. I notice you are tightly controlling everything, with his consent, but 'giving' him $5 a day, or whatever is not a sustainable life for either of you. At some point you will need to give him back control, and talking this through with a good counsellor will help you both.

daisy6234

The one thing i have learned is taking one day at a time. Future tripping will bring chaos into your life. Support is extremely important for yourself. His accountablility to someone other than you IMO will help your relationship. Take care of you, it is soooooo important.

Marcus

Hey Kelsol I am going to respond to your PM in a minute. Something sticks out a bit about your post above. SNORTING 20-30 norcos a day? I am not saying people don't snort norcos (crazy people maybe), but norcos have 10 mg's hydrocodone and 325 mg APAP (Acetaminophen - Aspirin basically). Trust me I have ingested 40 or more norcos in a day (orally - supposedly way over the lethal dose of APAP ). But snorting 30 basically means he is getting 300mg's Hydrocodone and close to 10,000 mgs (10 grams) of aspirin up his nose. I tried snorting a norco once and the aspirin burns and that was one of them.

That is over 1/3 of an ounce of aspirin up his nose everyday. Now trust me I know people who snorted a 1/4 ounce or more of cocaine a day, but that sounds like a heck of a lot of aspirin. I am not saying he is a liar - maybe just not a very smart drug addict. Sounds like a painful way to go, but anyway just sounded odd.

Sorry Friends and Family for probably a bit too much information, but just struck me as odd. Anyway I think you would notice him sniffling and sneezing and blowing his nose and having a constant runny nose if he was blasting that much aspirin up his nose on a daily basis.

CodeJob

I'm glad you brought your best friend into your circle Kelsol. I'm relieved you checked your credit reports too!

Those are good choices for you!

BlueChair

Its great your friend was supportive! It helps a lot to be able to share with people who know both of you and can see the whole of it. My closest friends who I shared with have been awesome support. Would love to chat, will send you a p.m.

shinebright7

Dear Kelsol - Thanks so much for your honest sharing. I
can relate to your situation, too, because my AH and I
have been married for 2.5 years and I didn't know he was
an addict when we got married either. I knew he had done
drugs in the past, but I thought that was the past and that
was done and over with. (Same as how I had smoked pot
and was done with that.)

Anyway, he wasn't done with anything and now here I am
again -- coming back to this SR forum for support and going
to Al-Anon again.

Since you're moving toward going to Al-Anon and also mentioned
your concern with knowing someone there...I wanted to share
that I have run into two people I know in the various meetings
that I've been to.

It was a little awkward when I first made eye contact with them...

But they were so sweet and understanding and compassionate.

Since our groups are kind of big, we split into two separate groups
for sharing, and each of them offered to go into the other room
so that I would feel comfortable to share freely.

For one of the women, I took her up on that offer. In another meeting,
for the other woman, I let her stay, but reemphasized the importance
of staying anonymous and she has.

I've never seen the woman I know who went to the other room in a
meeting again so it hasn't come up again, but I'm getting better about
not being ashamed about something I can't control (his using.) What
does that have to do with me!?

I need a lot of help right now, which is why I came back to SR to
read and post and connect with others who are in similar situations
and also from those who aren't and have found their serenity on the
other side.

I'm really looking forward to feeling better -- I know it's possible.

You're definitely not alone, hun. I'm proud of you for telling your
girlfriend. Let us know how it goes when you attend your first
Al-Anon meeting.

Big hug...

Kelslol

I am so sorry that I haven't been able to respond to everyone in awhile. Life has been hectic, as you all know and can relate. My husband has hit his 90 days sober today, but it's sad cuz I don't even know if I believe him. I have given him random drug tests and he passes them all, but I guess he lied to me for so long that I can't imagine him being honest with me. Sometimes I wonder if I can get over all the damage that has been done and all the hurtful things that he did. We started marriage therapy last week, which was great. She actually said she would rather talk to us 1 on 1 right now cuZ she feels like we aren't getting anywhere with us in the same rooms (we bicker like crazy now..we never use to but I have built up so much resentment towards him that im always irritated with him now). So we will see how it goes. Sometimes I wonder if I fell outof love with him within these past 90 days. I love him but the passion isn't there. I don't want to have sex with him cuz I feel vulnerable and I feel like its hard to get intimate with someone you don't trust. I'm just scared that the marriage that I thought would last forever 6 months ago, might not last another 2 months. I would be so embarassed if i got a divorce so young (28) but I guess it doesnt matter what everyone else thinks. I have been really focusing on hanging out with my friends and it's been the only reason i can smile these days. My best friend, who knows everything, just bought me a massage for my birthday- I guess she's trying to tell me I need to relax lol!!! And I'm going to Napa with some friends this weekend. The thing in most greatful for these days are my friends, they are honestly incredible people. And they are the reason im not still having panic attacks and mental breakdowns lol! Hopefully I can figure out what is best for my husband and I soon cuZ i have a lot of things in my life and I can't let all of this keep holding me back. Thank u all so much for the support, you all rock!!!

Kelslol

@marcus sorry for the late reply! He told me that the norco he was taking was mainly all hydrocodone and barely any aspirin. I can't even imagine how much codein he was snorting!

zoso77

It's your birthday? Happy Birthday, Kelslol. Massage therapy is a wonderful thing, so enjoy it. Napa should be fun, too.

As for this:

Well, try to be in the moment. Keep your eyes open, for they don't lie. Pay attention to your gut. Most importantly, though, be in touch with your own moral center and what's important to you. Let it guide you. And then, should it become necessary, you can make the best decisions you can.

periwinkle123

Love this. Isn't it funny how much shame we as spouses carry with their addiction? As if we're the ones that did something wrong.

OpioPhobe

Kelslol - for what it's worth I ran across Marcus' comment about snorting that many pills in a day, and I thought the exact same thing when I first read that part of your thread. As far as a pill that is mainly hydrocodone with hardly any aspirin goes - it doesn't exist except in the dreams of pill junkies. I am not sure if it matters at this point to you or not, but the story of snorting that many norcos sounds like straight BS to me too. If you are sure that he was snorting pills then it would have more than likely be oxycodone or opana (oxymorphone). They are working on a new hydrocodone only formula, but it hasn't been released yet (as far as I know). I suppose it COULD happen, but I can't imagine someone snorting that much everyday.

As far as the drug testing goes, did he go to the store and buy the test or did you? If you still suspect him of using I would check out the test that is being used. For example, he may have just got the standard five panel test, which would only show codeine, morphine and/or heroin (as far as opiates go). There are different tests for oxycodone and hydrocodone. If he got a test for hydrocodone only then that would be a red flag - especially coupled with the snorting 30 norcos a day story. If that is the case then I would get a test that covers pretty much all the opiates. He could very well still be clean, but I wanted to share in case this sets your mind at ease. You still seem on the fence about him being clean.

Just my 2 cents...

incitingsilence

He is early on, and while 90 days is great, you have every right to be wary and unsure.

For me it was in the moment that I realized I really didn’t know anything that helped me see what the truth was in terms of my husband. How could I know? I couldn’t be in his head and frankly could he even see his own truth.

In time it became very obvious when he used and when he didn’t in his behavior.

It didn’t matter what he was using either because the simple fact was he was using. Heroin I would have liked to say was an end all (in my head), but in reality was what he used first. He was a heroin addict, he didn’t find himself there, he had been there, done that and I knew before we married … Pills were some denial in his head that made it ok to use, because hell didn’t the doctor give them to him. But then he could always give himself permission to use and not for any other reason than he wanted to.

You can drive yourself insane trying to figure out where the truth is and where the lies are (in the moment, in the past) and yet they always show us the truth, it is always right there in our faces. It is just a matter of if we are taking good enough care of ourselves to see it.

Addicts don’t look at the risks in the moment and in many cases know what they are. No matter what he snorted, and if it had Tylenol in it, or not like zohydro which I think was released the simple fact is that he used.

At this point I wouldn’t trust a drug test nor words but actions and behavior as to how he is. Using looks like using, sober and working on recovery look way different.

Happy Birthday, enjoy Napa and take good care of you as it will be in that, that gives you the best chance at a wonderful life.

brightdaysahead

Hi Kelslol - I just read your post. I come from the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum, but I sometimes bounce around to other forums in SR.

You certainly have gotten a lot of wonderful advice. I have nothing much to add except you're not alone. I struggle with similar issues (trust and intimacy). I get it. My husband is two months sober - still early in the recovery process. We're headed to marriage counseling as well. Sometimes, I really can't stand this disease. But, we all have to keep moving forward.

Hope everything works out for you. Keep taking care of yourself. Happy Birthday.

Kelslol

I bought the drug tests online and they test for codeine I beleive. He didn't even know I bought them and I suprised him with one on a random day. I'm thinking about buying the ones that test EVERYTHING just to be sure. I'm tired of it ruin my days tho so I'm really trying to focus on myself and do things with friends and keep busy.

I have a question tho...say I stay with him, is it almost a gaurantee my children would be addicts? My husbands dad, both grandpas, 2 out of 3 uncles, and one brother are alcoholics. And his other brother is addicted to heroin. I'm starting to think that my kids would be born with the disease and have no chance..unless they never drank or tried anything ever. That is a HUGE fear I have because I have a big family and there are no alcoholics or addicts on my side. This is all so new to me. I look at my husbands mom and she seems miserable living with her husband. She barely talks to him and she just hangs out with friends all time, it's like she tried to escape him, but she won't divorce him. She thinks avoiding him makes her feel better. I don't want to end up like her, she lives a very sad life. Her husband (my father in law) got clean the same time as my husband (so crazy!) and has relapsed twice already, but he seems to be doing really well. But she goes to meetings allllll the time and she makes it her life. If that's what my life will me then I don't want it

Hope7726

No one can tell you if or how many of your unborn kids will turn out to be addicts but it sounds like the odds aren't in their favor. Most importantly, do you really want to bring kids into this? You've read a lot of the posts here from wives/ex-wives of addicts, I hope (or those who have children with their ABF or AXBF). If you haven't, you should.

Based on what you have told us, and what we all know from our own experiences, I can't help but think your marriage will turn out like that of your in-laws. And you said it yourself, you don't want that.

atalose

True addiction isn’t something you can just stop and be done with it. The very nature of addiction is to feed on the attempts to master it. Every habit he’s ever had is still there in his body lying dormant like flowers in the desert. Given the right conditions, all his old addictions would burst into full bloom.

Addicts need to work their recovery every minute of every hour of every day for the rest of their lives to keep themselves clean and sober, a lifelong battle that grows stronger and stronger where their recovery must super seed any of their ill thoughts and they must be constantly willing to put everything else aside including you, your marriage, work, family and make their recovery the #1 priority in their lives because whatever they put ahead of their recovery, they will lose.

Are you truly in this for the long run because for him there is no destination it’s always and forever going to be one day at a time with no assurances about anything?

ForeverAlways

I married a guy that I just thought partied a little. Two weeks after we married he started coming home every night drunk and I found out later he liked a little cocaine with his beer. I told him it had to stop and he stopped. I had no idea he was addicted to everything at that time. He stopped for 8 years. After 5 years of him not drinking or doing drugs and he quit smoking too -- we decided to have children. I really never gave a thought to him ever drinking again because he stopped on his own. In his 8th year of not drinking or using when I already had two babies and twins on the way (after our anniversary when he told everyone that he loved me dearly) he decides to drink. He said he could handle it and for me not to worry -- he was just a normal guy that liked an occasional beer -- I immediately knew he would end up dying of this thing and he did last March. He became possessed with figuring out which high was the best high and he drank constantly. Turns out he had hidden the fact from me that he was addicted to drugs and drank from the time he was 13. I had never been around anyone that got drunk or did drugs so I did not pick up on signs other than he was moody from time to time and loved attention on him, but we had friends, traveled, laughed, loved, and were best friends to each other for 8 years. I am heartbroken that he decided he could handle just one drink and he was just gone. A year after that we found out that our two oldest had a fatal disease and were not expected to live past their teens. He totally lost it and blamed the diagnosis and me for his drinking. This was a guy that I know was crazy about me and loved me. His drinking buddies all said it was all about drugs for him. As his disease progressed he started stealing from his customers, shoplifting, pawning everything, sleeping in houses that were up for sale, living in drug houses, etc. He went from a sweet guy into a horrible, vile monster. He would say the most hurtful things to me and posted how horrible I was to his high school buddies on FB. He died of COPD and an enlarged heart (crack, booze, meth induced) before he totally went crazy. One of the neighbors told me he did not understand why I thought he had a drinking problem (he did not know him and AH was an expert at hiding it from people that had no clue). He even managed to have his FB crowd come after me after his death when I was on his FB page. I was called the "c**t that caused his problems and crazy. I felt like I was punched in the stomach. On FB he honestly acted like he was in HS again and wanted to reconnect with the girl he dated back then. His doctor told me after his death that he really had a brain disease caused by his drinking and the beating he took when trying to steal drugs from some drug dealer on the street. He was left for dead after taking multiple kicks to his head. My SIL told me last week that they had a gun but decided killing him was bad for business. He never came back from that IMO. If I had known he was an addict as a teen I might still have married him and given him a chance, but I hope I would have decided against children. Take care.

AliWProk

Definitely go to Al-Anon. Get yourself some perspective, peace, and coping skills. You'll need to attend to yourself, your feelings, your possible enabling behaviors. And hopefully you can have a frank talk about how secrets can kill you.

I can hear you getting stronger from post to post. SR is a great place with non-judgmental people. Please keep coming back!

BlueChair

Hey Kelslol,

Its great your spending time with your friends and keeping up the sense of independence while you work on your relationship. I try to remember to keep my life balanced and it helps. My husband and I do counseling together and its helped us a lot. Thinking about what your dr said, I think shes right you both need some individual first if all your accomplishing is arguing during the joint session. My husband and I were both doing individual at first also, and it helped me figure out a lot of my feelings, worries and was good for me. I hope all of it helps you too!

We dont have kids yet, but I hope we can start a family in a couple years. My addiction doc who does the counseling said genetics are only part of why people become addicted. Things like environment, and overall emotional health play a big role. Im not so worried about it in our case, but with what you describes as a whole family I can see your concerns, but I think its still some learned behavior and social acceptance going on in the situation.

I would feel awkward asking for a drug test, but my husbands doc has done them at times. Maybe if you both agree on random testing, it would be better to see if it could be done by a doctor?

It takes time to rebuilt trust and confidence in recovery. I think however, it helps to understand addiction and know its in part called a disease because a person doing all the right things can still have something happen in life and relapse because the memory of using is stored in the brain. I was soo scared at first, but Im ok now. Addiction is like other medical problems and if a person does relapse then they need to figure out what went wrong, change something in their life, seek professional help if needed and carry on.

Your life and how u handle all this starts now. Whatever way you choose to think, feel, cope, react, respond counts. My husband has a 1.5 years now, and it actually sneaked past me these last 6 months. I still come to SR because I have made friends here, and I focus a lot on communicating well with my husband, we do marriage counseling but not on a regular basis anymore, no individual for me right now, no meetings but Ive tried Smart recovery online. Mostly only trying to live healthy and support a healthy environment at home.

Its so scary in the beginning, and ninety days is still early. ((Hugs to you))