Let go, help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: FL
Posts: 12
Let go, help
Hi everyone I am a newbie in this forum and I am truly inspired by lots of you who shared the same experiences. I would like to narrate my story, along with anyone's input hopefully, it might be another inspiration for those who crave support and help. We all have hell of an experience here, yet every morning waking up, we still breathing, thank God, for being alive. Excuse me for my grammar and spelling mistakes. I am a graduate student from overseas with dual degrees. I have a great giving/caring/funny personality, speak three languages, play beautiful piano, have good looks and great family backgrounds. More importantly, there was so much going on for me, and I was on my way getting a Phd degree. He was a student dropped out of college, several junior delinquent records, dysfunctional family who remains in denial, drug dealer, idler of life, no jobs, rich man's taste with poor people's salary. I am sorry if anything I said offend anyone because this is just how we examine people in my culture system. please also bare with me for a long and blabbering post
I felt every bit of confidence flowing in my vein, however, my self-esteems went down hell as long as my life.
It started with me breaking of with my ex ex, let's call him A (Who I now secretly think was a drug user behind my back). At that time I knew nothing about drugs or druggies, I naively believe A was just a very private and introvert person and I shamelessly say, I loved him to death. after six months he moved to Europe as an exchange student and I went there in the end of semester companying him and we had a great time. However, long distance relationship was so hard when I came back in US and we broke up. I was devastated, I ditched my schoolwork, my family, my friends and even got in trouble with laws after we were broken up. two months later, I met my ex. He was sitting outside of the bar, being sad, and looked like a lost puppy. We started to talk and he told me he just broke up with his ex. I remembered how I went through break up with A and at that time, I simply wanted to help him out like a friend. He said so much **** about his ex that i now look back, most of them was just exaggerated or distorted for sympathy points. let's call him B, and yes, if i thought it was bad between me and A, being with B overturned my worldview and lost every bit of self-esteems.
The reason I started dating B was because he was so straightforward, unlike my secretive and sneaky ex ex A. the first day we hang out, i already knew he was a drug dealer, who smokes pot large amount every single day. i appreciated his candid. Our first date, we went on camping and he brought six of those blue little pills and smoked them off from a foil, then I realize he also abuses controlled substances. I did not think it was a big deal, because back then every friends of his i saw was doing something like that, and I had no knowledge about drugs. He told me repeatedly he was doing this because a sad break up with his ex, and since I am in his life, he would quit and maybe only do it once two weeks or whenever we plan on a trip. i believed him. Noted, throughout the time we were dating, he constantly saying how bad those things are and how they made him broke, lost close relationships, how he wanted to quit and he even tried couple times cold turkey, but four days after, he always jumped right back to it. I do not know if he can be categorized as the type "who really wants to quit", unlike those just keep abusing them without even thinking so, but i TRULY felt for him and wanted to help.
We were inseparable since the day we met, everyday we were together, and he took me and bragged about me in front of everyone, his friends, his family. they all loved me. This is how I felt important because it all seemed he was serious with us. a month later, his lease ended and I let him moving in with me since we already spend every day together. Of all the time, he paid no rent, no electricity or any utility bills, rarely for grocery, he used my car for drug dealing or getting those pills, because allegedly his car was too gas-consuming. I did not think it was a big deal either, i am not a stingy person, neither do I care too much about money. I tuned off all my friends' warning about he was just using me, and some of his friends', who behind his back, warned me about him and his behavior, and how he could get me in trouble. I started to wake up a little. I started to hide my car key, and thats when his attitude toward me changed. He started to get very aggressive. I then started to tell him put away his drugs, he got even more angry. our relationship went down even worse, therefore numerous time I told him carefully maybe we should live separately, he always say he couldn't wait to get his own place, yet never got one. fights broke out every day several times, before he gets his fix, after he came down from high. anything I do was a target for him to blow off.
Ok, here is the real story. I am not making excuses for myself, I did lost control after months of holding in my anger toward him ( from not respecting my house, maliciously littering everywhere because one thing did not go his way, bringing people in doing his stuff without my consent, never take me out for dates, always complaining about how i treated him badly, texting a lot of girls even his exes on FB or other social media, blaming me for asking him to use his little bit of money on grocery just for once, not letting him use my car to get his fix, smashed my phone because some random guy friend texted me, etc. you all know the drill), i slapped him. He finally decided to move out. when i thought he finally moved everything, I closed and locked the door, and the door rings, I stood up walking toward the door, BANG, the front door was knocked down and he stormed in yelling he left his phone. the neighbour called police, but he got away with it by saying i slapped him. they took me. It ripped my heart open every time as if it happened just yesterday. Although the charge dropped, I still got an arrest record.
it should be a wake up call, shouldnt it?
I was stupid. completely stupid.
Later on after the law thing worked out (he blamed me for spending thousands of dollars on lawyers who did nothing because he think he was the one helped out), we had a brief honeymoon period again. Mostly, because I gave in. I started to normalize the situation, but every little bit of thing could be his target. For example, one day my friend came pick me up to go to the lawyers, he delusionally saw i kissed him, when i came back, he burnt and ripped my nice sets of underwears, carved words on my nice piece of furniture, wrote ***** with the residue of the pills on the wall....
He talks **** about me around everyone, distorted stories, made me look like the psychopath; he got his sympathy from girls he semi flirt with by picturing me as a demon; call me stingy because i never got him anything (god forbid); do whatever he wants without concerning my feelings for tiny little bit; disrespect me and my house in every evil way you can imagine; if i raise any different opinion, he call me controlling bitch and blah blah blah.
Last month, my family came over to US and i went to LA to pick them up then went to hawaii and vegas for new year, I let him stayed at my place, but warned him not making any trouble because the leasing office and the neighbour are really annoyed with him. yet, dec. 30 they sent me an email saying because of him, i WOULD HAVE TO MOVE OUT asap or they will start eviction process. They felt sorry for me at first and told me how bad he is an influence on me and then after I took him back times and times, they remained silent. I flew back to where I live negotiating with the leasing office for one more month of cleaning up and moving, they agreed with one condition that guy can never appear in this complex again. So i flew off to reunite with my family again, without leaving him the key. during this time, he was so mad at me for not helping him out, leaving him homeless, and treated him so bad, constant insults, even on my birthday just days ago. When i came back just two days ago. i noticed he somehow managed to went inside of my house and crashed there. i was furious. then as you know, he packed his **** once for all, and left. That same night, he sent me a txt saying he is with someone else, and a lot of other mean things. I was more relieved than sad. Yes, I was sad, but then again, I feel a heavy burden just dropped off my shoulder and I feel like I can finally move on. This is how we co-dependent are, sometimes, a push from their side (aka, set us free) is what finally get us starting moving on, because we are so weak and so afraid of breaking into changes in life, that we are afraid of losing that "special someone", even if he/she only brings miseries.
I have to say, during the whole time we were together, I turned myself into a victim. Maybe you can relate, but if you are in a foreign country by urself for so long, all u have is the one next to u. And i grow to be a codependent so fast and so bad that even i know i have being doing wrong i didnt let go. love is worn out in the end, what remained was the habit of having that person in ur life.
It still hurts me seeing him replacing me within 8 hours, but it didnt surprise me. i do feel used completely and i felt awful for myself, but not one chance in my life would i ever go in so deep to abyss.
Here is some of my question though, if anyone can help me understand.
first, He once told me he treated me so bad on purpose because i was not worth it, and he has never treated any of his exes so bad, neither he would to any other girl. Is this because of me?
second, I feel like my self-esteem dropped to the worst level, and how can i improve it?
third, I am little concerned about my reputation around, and obviously all his friends stood on his side eventually and all picture me as a demon, should i care to rectify it?
forth, he says he would be golden after leaving me because i made him doing so much pills and drugs, and would he really be a nice sweetheart for other girls? I really feel bad for this, its paradoxical. on one hand I do not want to be that "not worthy", on the other hand, i want him to have a good life. i know this thought is evil, and it creeps in my head some times, i hate it and i am really torn.
thank you again, if u managed this line, for baring with me, i am extremely grateful for having a platform like SR, that i feel not alone.
Thank you.
I felt every bit of confidence flowing in my vein, however, my self-esteems went down hell as long as my life.
It started with me breaking of with my ex ex, let's call him A (Who I now secretly think was a drug user behind my back). At that time I knew nothing about drugs or druggies, I naively believe A was just a very private and introvert person and I shamelessly say, I loved him to death. after six months he moved to Europe as an exchange student and I went there in the end of semester companying him and we had a great time. However, long distance relationship was so hard when I came back in US and we broke up. I was devastated, I ditched my schoolwork, my family, my friends and even got in trouble with laws after we were broken up. two months later, I met my ex. He was sitting outside of the bar, being sad, and looked like a lost puppy. We started to talk and he told me he just broke up with his ex. I remembered how I went through break up with A and at that time, I simply wanted to help him out like a friend. He said so much **** about his ex that i now look back, most of them was just exaggerated or distorted for sympathy points. let's call him B, and yes, if i thought it was bad between me and A, being with B overturned my worldview and lost every bit of self-esteems.
The reason I started dating B was because he was so straightforward, unlike my secretive and sneaky ex ex A. the first day we hang out, i already knew he was a drug dealer, who smokes pot large amount every single day. i appreciated his candid. Our first date, we went on camping and he brought six of those blue little pills and smoked them off from a foil, then I realize he also abuses controlled substances. I did not think it was a big deal, because back then every friends of his i saw was doing something like that, and I had no knowledge about drugs. He told me repeatedly he was doing this because a sad break up with his ex, and since I am in his life, he would quit and maybe only do it once two weeks or whenever we plan on a trip. i believed him. Noted, throughout the time we were dating, he constantly saying how bad those things are and how they made him broke, lost close relationships, how he wanted to quit and he even tried couple times cold turkey, but four days after, he always jumped right back to it. I do not know if he can be categorized as the type "who really wants to quit", unlike those just keep abusing them without even thinking so, but i TRULY felt for him and wanted to help.
We were inseparable since the day we met, everyday we were together, and he took me and bragged about me in front of everyone, his friends, his family. they all loved me. This is how I felt important because it all seemed he was serious with us. a month later, his lease ended and I let him moving in with me since we already spend every day together. Of all the time, he paid no rent, no electricity or any utility bills, rarely for grocery, he used my car for drug dealing or getting those pills, because allegedly his car was too gas-consuming. I did not think it was a big deal either, i am not a stingy person, neither do I care too much about money. I tuned off all my friends' warning about he was just using me, and some of his friends', who behind his back, warned me about him and his behavior, and how he could get me in trouble. I started to wake up a little. I started to hide my car key, and thats when his attitude toward me changed. He started to get very aggressive. I then started to tell him put away his drugs, he got even more angry. our relationship went down even worse, therefore numerous time I told him carefully maybe we should live separately, he always say he couldn't wait to get his own place, yet never got one. fights broke out every day several times, before he gets his fix, after he came down from high. anything I do was a target for him to blow off.
Ok, here is the real story. I am not making excuses for myself, I did lost control after months of holding in my anger toward him ( from not respecting my house, maliciously littering everywhere because one thing did not go his way, bringing people in doing his stuff without my consent, never take me out for dates, always complaining about how i treated him badly, texting a lot of girls even his exes on FB or other social media, blaming me for asking him to use his little bit of money on grocery just for once, not letting him use my car to get his fix, smashed my phone because some random guy friend texted me, etc. you all know the drill), i slapped him. He finally decided to move out. when i thought he finally moved everything, I closed and locked the door, and the door rings, I stood up walking toward the door, BANG, the front door was knocked down and he stormed in yelling he left his phone. the neighbour called police, but he got away with it by saying i slapped him. they took me. It ripped my heart open every time as if it happened just yesterday. Although the charge dropped, I still got an arrest record.
it should be a wake up call, shouldnt it?
I was stupid. completely stupid.
Later on after the law thing worked out (he blamed me for spending thousands of dollars on lawyers who did nothing because he think he was the one helped out), we had a brief honeymoon period again. Mostly, because I gave in. I started to normalize the situation, but every little bit of thing could be his target. For example, one day my friend came pick me up to go to the lawyers, he delusionally saw i kissed him, when i came back, he burnt and ripped my nice sets of underwears, carved words on my nice piece of furniture, wrote ***** with the residue of the pills on the wall....
He talks **** about me around everyone, distorted stories, made me look like the psychopath; he got his sympathy from girls he semi flirt with by picturing me as a demon; call me stingy because i never got him anything (god forbid); do whatever he wants without concerning my feelings for tiny little bit; disrespect me and my house in every evil way you can imagine; if i raise any different opinion, he call me controlling bitch and blah blah blah.
Last month, my family came over to US and i went to LA to pick them up then went to hawaii and vegas for new year, I let him stayed at my place, but warned him not making any trouble because the leasing office and the neighbour are really annoyed with him. yet, dec. 30 they sent me an email saying because of him, i WOULD HAVE TO MOVE OUT asap or they will start eviction process. They felt sorry for me at first and told me how bad he is an influence on me and then after I took him back times and times, they remained silent. I flew back to where I live negotiating with the leasing office for one more month of cleaning up and moving, they agreed with one condition that guy can never appear in this complex again. So i flew off to reunite with my family again, without leaving him the key. during this time, he was so mad at me for not helping him out, leaving him homeless, and treated him so bad, constant insults, even on my birthday just days ago. When i came back just two days ago. i noticed he somehow managed to went inside of my house and crashed there. i was furious. then as you know, he packed his **** once for all, and left. That same night, he sent me a txt saying he is with someone else, and a lot of other mean things. I was more relieved than sad. Yes, I was sad, but then again, I feel a heavy burden just dropped off my shoulder and I feel like I can finally move on. This is how we co-dependent are, sometimes, a push from their side (aka, set us free) is what finally get us starting moving on, because we are so weak and so afraid of breaking into changes in life, that we are afraid of losing that "special someone", even if he/she only brings miseries.
I have to say, during the whole time we were together, I turned myself into a victim. Maybe you can relate, but if you are in a foreign country by urself for so long, all u have is the one next to u. And i grow to be a codependent so fast and so bad that even i know i have being doing wrong i didnt let go. love is worn out in the end, what remained was the habit of having that person in ur life.
It still hurts me seeing him replacing me within 8 hours, but it didnt surprise me. i do feel used completely and i felt awful for myself, but not one chance in my life would i ever go in so deep to abyss.
Here is some of my question though, if anyone can help me understand.
first, He once told me he treated me so bad on purpose because i was not worth it, and he has never treated any of his exes so bad, neither he would to any other girl. Is this because of me?
second, I feel like my self-esteem dropped to the worst level, and how can i improve it?
third, I am little concerned about my reputation around, and obviously all his friends stood on his side eventually and all picture me as a demon, should i care to rectify it?
forth, he says he would be golden after leaving me because i made him doing so much pills and drugs, and would he really be a nice sweetheart for other girls? I really feel bad for this, its paradoxical. on one hand I do not want to be that "not worthy", on the other hand, i want him to have a good life. i know this thought is evil, and it creeps in my head some times, i hate it and i am really torn.
thank you again, if u managed this line, for baring with me, i am extremely grateful for having a platform like SR, that i feel not alone.
Thank you.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Well Sad, that's quite a story and I am sorry for your experience.
If you could put the past behind you, let go of any part of this that connects to drugs including anyone who uses...if you could make life into whatever you would like it to be...what would you choose?
You can rise above your past, learn from it and grow, or you can remain stuck in the muck and keep repeating the same mistakes.
You deserve a better life, maybe take time and remain unattached to anyone while you ponder on why you seem to make poor choices and then live with them long after they have become destructive.
Meetings helped many of us here find our balance again and put our lives back together, maybe find some in your area and give them a try...you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that you may find helpful.
Good luck.
Hugs
If you could put the past behind you, let go of any part of this that connects to drugs including anyone who uses...if you could make life into whatever you would like it to be...what would you choose?
You can rise above your past, learn from it and grow, or you can remain stuck in the muck and keep repeating the same mistakes.
You deserve a better life, maybe take time and remain unattached to anyone while you ponder on why you seem to make poor choices and then live with them long after they have become destructive.
Meetings helped many of us here find our balance again and put our lives back together, maybe find some in your area and give them a try...you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that you may find helpful.
Good luck.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by SadOnEarth 
Here is some of my question though, if anyone can help me understand.
first, He once told me he treated me so bad on purpose because i was not worth it, and he has never treated any of his exes so bad, neither he would to any other girl. Is this because of me?
second, I feel like my self-esteem dropped to the worst level, and how can i improve it?
third, I am little concerned about my reputation around, and obviously all his friends stood on his side eventually and all picture me as a demon, should i care to rectify it?
forth, he says he would be golden after leaving me because i made him doing so much pills and drugs, and would he really be a nice sweetheart for other girls? I really feel bad for this, its paradoxical. on one hand I do not want to be that "not worthy", on the other hand, i want him to have a good life. i know this thought is evil, and it creeps in my head some times, i hate it and i am really torn.
thank you again, if u managed this line, for baring with me, i am extremely grateful for having a platform like SR, that i feel not alone.
Thank you.
first, He once told me he treated me so bad on purpose because i was not worth it, and he has never treated any of his exes so bad, neither he would to any other girl. Is this because of me?
second, I feel like my self-esteem dropped to the worst level, and how can i improve it?
third, I am little concerned about my reputation around, and obviously all his friends stood on his side eventually and all picture me as a demon, should i care to rectify it?
forth, he says he would be golden after leaving me because i made him doing so much pills and drugs, and would he really be a nice sweetheart for other girls? I really feel bad for this, its paradoxical. on one hand I do not want to be that "not worthy", on the other hand, i want him to have a good life. i know this thought is evil, and it creeps in my head some times, i hate it and i am really torn.
thank you again, if u managed this line, for baring with me, i am extremely grateful for having a platform like SR, that i feel not alone.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 16
Hi Sad. I can really understand how you feel as I went through pretty much the same. I was living abroad as well and the pressure of being by myself made me even more codependant. I so much needed someone all for me, even if he had faults, it still was very reassuring. I am writing because I know what it feels like when people are seeing you through the eyes of the addict. He said all the nastiest things about me and promoted them very proudly. He so much wanted to appear as the good cool super clever guy. His friends hated me and I resented it for a long time. I would spend days thinking what could I say or do to change this because it seemed even more as if he was the winner as he succeeded in destroying every aspects of my life. I was depressed and with great effort I finished my degree. He and his crowd surely thought I couldn't. Forward one year I m a teacher of MFL. I made it with struggles and sorrows. This action spoke louder than words. So my advice is do something to prove to yourself that you are more than that. More that his stupid evil words. I just wonder what they thought when they learned the news about my success. Can you imagine the expression on their faces? I can. So please, even if it is very very hard , try to focus on you. You will because you got already a lot on your side to be proud of. Remember what you have achieved so far and build on it. Also, yes, try to surround yourself by positive nice people. It worked for me as well. They will see the good in you.
My ex, got with somebody else. It is clear that them two are going through ups and downs just as much as me and him did. Suddenly he has stopped badmouthing me cos he can see in his new relationship he is going through the same mistakes. He finally sees it couldn't have just been me. Your ex will realise just the same. Once someone told me : the mills of God grind slowly but they grind extremely fine!
My ex, got with somebody else. It is clear that them two are going through ups and downs just as much as me and him did. Suddenly he has stopped badmouthing me cos he can see in his new relationship he is going through the same mistakes. He finally sees it couldn't have just been me. Your ex will realise just the same. Once someone told me : the mills of God grind slowly but they grind extremely fine!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Some relationships are just toxic for us...I don't know why we try so hard to make them work, when it's so obvious that they are destructive.
I have been there. It is not healthy, normal, or any way to live. I needed counseling to recover, and now I can recognize toxic pretty much immediately, in my dealings with others. You can get so caught up in that craziness. Some of us who lived in toxic families of origin are easily caught up.
I would suggest counselling, reading some good books on toxic relationships, and codependency. Melody Beatty is my favorite go to author when I need a pick me up on how to take care of myself.
you really have to put in some work to overcome the low self esteem, but it will be so worth it.
wishing you healing,
chicory
I have been there. It is not healthy, normal, or any way to live. I needed counseling to recover, and now I can recognize toxic pretty much immediately, in my dealings with others. You can get so caught up in that craziness. Some of us who lived in toxic families of origin are easily caught up.
I would suggest counselling, reading some good books on toxic relationships, and codependency. Melody Beatty is my favorite go to author when I need a pick me up on how to take care of myself.
you really have to put in some work to overcome the low self esteem, but it will be so worth it.
wishing you healing,
chicory
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you knew up front he was a drug DEALER and a drug ADDICT. i'm sorry, but how else did you see this going??? he's a user and an abuser. consider it a very difficult lesson, and move on. and take not one word of what he says to heart. go no contact and live an exceptional life!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: FL
Posts: 12
Thank everyone who replied, your words is really encouraging and most of all, reassured me. I do not regret letting all go, and I am seriously starting to reflect on myself, my behavior and my mentality that why and how should I let my self go so far. I plan on moving away to a different city by the end of this month and start a new life, as it feels like a new start with new set of rules for myself and for choosing partners would do me good. However, I want to say, I wasted a lot of my time and energy into solving or coping with the turmoil of drug and drug related problems, and there is no solution whatsoever. I want to tell everyone from my own experiences, an active drug user seriously do not consider anything else, but drugs, and how to get drugs, like everyone else said in this forum. I hope no one falls in the trap or falls for the beautiful facade they show, because in the end of the day, everything is for drug. I sank really bad to come to realization and I sincerely wish no one would suffer like i did. Cut the tie when we sense something wrong, never settle for less than what we deserve, it is a choice, and now one should sacrifice what WE WANT for anything.
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