Kimmilynn

It's been 7 days since AB (23) came to me and told me he needs rehab, 6 days since I dropped him off, and 4 days since I've heard from him.

Since then, I've learned (without seeking) that he lied about his DOC (heroin not coke), lied about how much he stole from his boss which was his rock bottom leading to rehab, and is likely facing grand larceny charges as a result. And to top it off, his boss texted me today to tell me he's been using a phone to call his old buddies and check in.

So he's clearly not serious about rehab. He's there to try and hide from the boss and avoid jail time and/or to help for sentencing.

After talking to my sister who lives in another state (and is a social worker with a lot of Addict patients) I know I need to give him the in or out talk tomorrow when I visit him. If he's in rehab and plans on working the program, we're all behind him. But if he doesn't want to commit and change his people, places and things, rehab isn't going to do **** for him and he can count us all as out of his life because we're not going to watch him die. Sister and her husband are writing letters and I am too that I'm going to leave with him. I'll surprise visit him the following Sunday to see what his choice was.

Thoughts? Advice? Dissent?

Kimmilynn

Oh and thanks so much for everything! I've learned so much already from reading what you all have shared. (Hugs)

zoso77

Do you really want to know what I think?

Kimmilynn

Yes! I really do. And I won't be one of the newbies who thinks you're being mean. There's no way to sugar coat these things.

zoso77

OK.

An intervention, in my view, will have zero impact. He thought nothing about lying to your face about his DOC. He thought nothing of stealing from his boss and lying about how much he stole. And if he's in touch with people he shouldn't be in touch with while in rehab, then I would say this assessment --

-- is correct. Based on this, I encourage you to put him in your rearview mirror and put as much space between him and you as possible.

Why? Because functionally, he's behaving like a sociopath and is utterly indifferent to how his actions have impacted others. And you're no exception.

Doesn't mean you don't care for him, or want the best for him. What it does mean is you don't want a parasitic sociopath as a romantic partner.

My $0.02.

Impurrfect

I think he hasn't hit the bottom you thought, or wished, he had.

He's in rehab, thus has a ton of support from people who know addiction. His lies are coming out and there will probably be more.

I agree with Zoso, and I've been on both sides of the addiction fence.

Had the people who loved me not saying "that's it, not going there again" and allowed me to deal the consequences I would not be clean.

He may find recovery and turn things around, but right now he doesn't seem headed in that direction.

This is a great time to work on YOU and what you want from life. I understand you love him, but love won't fix addiction. I had to do a lot of work on me to figure out why I put up with what I did. You may want to think about that. If your best friend was dating a guy like this, what would you want for her?

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

MIRecovery

I would simply tell him when he has been sober for a while and he is working a program of recovery you would consider a conversation. Until then you wish for no contact.

This approach avoids what he did do or didn't do. You are telling him the conditions for a relationship. At this point anything that he says will just be quacking

Kimmilynn

Thanks guys...let me clarify one thing. He's my brother not boyfriend. Our mom is handicapped and I'm 12 years older than him so I've been basically the second mom to him. He hasn't lived with me since he was 16, hasn't been financially dependent on me since then. I'm his emotional support when he's clean. I know when he's using because I never hear from him. I've barely seen him in 2.5 years except for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year which is the month he was sober.

I agree with Zoso, I don't think he's serious and I don't think the intervention will change his mind. But our entire family has been ostriches about how bad his drug use is because we're living our own lives, me taking care of our mom and my sister starting her family in another state. I just want him to know, while he's sober and has access to help, that were no longer going to ignore this and/or help him up if he doesn't do so first. Is that fair? And I do think this is more for us than him, I've never truly told him how this impacts me and I want him to hear it before it's too late and Im identifying his body in a morgue.

Kimmilynn

Also, the other reason we thought an intervention now could be a good step is because family is his safe place. He's been arrested a dozen times since he was 12 so jail doesn't scare him, he's been homeless and or a couch jumper so that doesn't do it either. But sister in the other state is pregnant and moms health is getting worse. Knowing that he will never meet his future niece or nephew and or see mom before her conditions gets to its worst may add to his drop to rock bottom.

Impurrfect

Sorry, I misunderstood.

I understand about the letters, and I've had to do something similar in my life. I just want to stress that when we do this, it's best to let go of any expectations on how it will affect him.

It's what my family did to me, and their actions backed up their words. Once I had some time in recovery, and it was pretty obvious, they've been supportive. I have to admit, that was never a given - I didn't know if I'd totally worn them out or not.

I do hope your brother finds his bottom and chooses recovery, but it is truly on him. Part of my bottom was seeing my family go on and live their lives without me.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

cynical one

What do his counselors at the center have to say about writing impact letters at this point? Have they even suggested it or is the family taking it upon themselves to micromanage his recovery?

Trust the process, more will be revealed.

Personally, I would tell him that you will come visit in a month once he has settled in and is adjusting to the program. That for now you need to take care of your own responsibilities and wellbeing, and that he can call like every Sunday between 7 and 9 or whatever is convenient for you.

Hawkeye13

I would let his therapist in rehab know about your plan before doing it.

I think things should be coordinated.

Since it is your brother, I see more sense to trying at least, but I was with zozo
if it was a boyfriend.

If rehab place is supportive and on board, and you are prepared fully to cut him loose,
and you realize this may not do anything to force him to stay or be serious, it is a way to let him know clearly what he stands to lose.

I really hope he does get it together.
You sound like a great sister

zoso77

Brother?

AB is your brother?

My bad. This changes things slightly. Will elaborate soon.

carguysgirl

Brother of romantic partner the result is the same.
I have a friend who can't let her brother know where she lives because he's addicted to weed so bad he will steal from her to get it. Truly the only true weed addict I've ever known!

Ann

Wise words have been spoken here and I tend to agree, this is not the time or place for an "intervention". He is in rehab surrounded by counselors and support and he may embrace the opportunity to find a better path OR he may think he can hide there and his problems will simply disappear.

You and your family have lives to live, other responsibilities and the sad truth is that it is entirely up to your brother to choose his path. When his choices are bad the rest of the family should continue to live their lives in a healthy way. Anything less than that will not change the outcome for him but will bring you all down with him and your lives are too precious for that.

I find, with my son, praying for him each morning and then leaving him in the hands of God, helps me get through my days dealing with my own life and all it brings.

Good luck with all this, I know how hard this is for you.

Hugs

Kimmilynn

Thanks everyone, and sorry for the confusion. I've seen people use BF for boyfriend, D or S for daughter or son so I thought B was brother. Maybe I'll use ABro from now on.

I'm getting ready to meet him for church now (another shock of the week is he asked me to go to church with him today). I've decided to heed your advice and not give him the letters until we coordinate with the counsellors. This didn't happen overnight, it won't change overnight and his recovery isn't our time to make it right, it's his time to heal and work on himself. As long as he's staying in rehab what's another week or 5?

Kimmilynn

Thanks everyone, and sorry for the confusion. I've seen people use BF for boyfriend, D or S for daughter or son so I thought B was brother. Maybe I'll use ABro from now on.

I'm getting ready to meet him for church now (another shock of the week is he asked me to go to church with him today). I've decided to heed your advice and not give him the letters until we coordinate with the counsellors. This didn't happen overnight, it won't change overnight and his recovery isn't our time to make it right, it's his time to heal and work on himself. As long as he's staying in rehab what's another week or 5?

stephendu

Just don't come down on him if he chooses not to work the program. His odds at sobriety will be just as good with or without it.

needingabreak

HI Kimmilynn so glad you found us but sorry for the reason. I tend to agree with everyone here but wondering if you have discussed this with his counselor, as in not just the letter but are his counselors aware he has been in touch with his "buddies?" The lying about his DOC does not surprise me. Addicts lie about anything and everything. it's what they do.
Hopefully with more time in rehab his thinking will change and he will come around. I have seen it happen so I agree giving it time and talking with the counselors is best. They deal with this all day long and know they lie and can usually pick up on it pretty quickly. E
Th fact that he asked you to go to church is a good sign even if he doesn't have his heart in it yet..............praying things work out this time. Hugs.

zoso77

Kim...

I apologize for my confusion with my initial posts. I saw AB and thought "boyfriend", but I should have been more careful reading. With that out of the way...

At the end of the day, your brother still did what he did, and based on what you've shared with us, he is not doing what he should be doing while in treatment.

From what I recall, he's 23? In one sense, he's an adult. But in terms of his true maturity, he's acting like a little kid. I do not believe that an intervention will have the desired effect. But I do believe that he should fully experience the consequences of his action. Your family should not save him from himself under any circumstances.