irisgardens

I spent today and yesterday trying to stay in the present.

I read my naranon reading and meditated and prayed.

I am letting the feelings of anxiety go through me...the new medication has not made a difference yet...so am discouraged.

Have 2 doctor appts next week...hopefully they can help.

Husband returned from Chile on Friday night and we are adjusting to being together...I like to cuddle when we are sleeping and he is gentle with me.

The financial stress is almost unbearable.

Before we went to Chile in 2012--husband asked me to fill out SDI application which I did...but it was denied...then the firm we used to help us said to wait for hearing which came in April 2014--but we had run out of money in Chile and my HP (who I call God) helped me find a job (I also posted on here and got support)--so I cancelled the hearing and the case was closed.

Today husband told me that I need to file again which I started...but I am so anxious and afraid...and continue to hold the boundaries on the active heroin daughter (she makes it easy--she went away and has only been in contact once at the beginning of November...but did not answer our replies and requests)--I feel quite sick...even with the new med.

Allowed my adult children to make their own Thanksgiving plans this year...two asked to spend it with husband and I so we will.

I think my husband is going to look for a job but has not yet. He is from Chile and has always been more involved with the LatinAmerican community. I told him that I can work with him...like we did from 1998 through 2005 when I went back to work to restart my career to earn funding for the business (construction--went through the downturn in CA).

I am frozen with fear and anxiety and he is not a communicator...takes one step at a time...but is being loving. I have been through so much in the past 5 years and have gotten up and done what was needed to make it...but the financial situation is so very desperate that I can't get myself to stop shaking.

I did sign up for COBRA to be able to continue the therapist until end of December and had enough to pay December rent.

Have never felt this much fear since my Dad died and I am just overwhelmed.

Not discussing active addict daughter with adult children any more so that is an improvement.

Attitudes towards drinking and substance are much more lenient than in the US--we have always maintained what I call a half & half household...

Husband views me as sick right now...I have gone through a lot of depression after heavy lifting to make things better.

JOIE12

Please be kind to yourself Irisgardens. It feels good when we let go and stop taking care of others. I wish you peace during this time. I'm a believer that all things happen for a reason.

irisgardens

Thank you JOIE12--for reminding me that I, too, deeply believe that God doesn't make mistakes (when my faith runs thin as it has for the past 3 years...I choose to believe that God doesn't make mistakes)...and that things happen for a reason. Just feel so rotten and emotional all the time and it is hard. Still reading my naranon literature, resting as much as possible, continuing the meds, will be happy to have my naranon meeting back this week (it is on Thursday)--the meal with my kids, husband and grandchild was good and I was and am grateful. Husband has been helping clear up some of the clutter that was here and I am managing fund very very carefully--no lights on whenever possible...beans and food like that...am allowing myself to feel what is running through my body...my mind has no idea what it is...but there are feelings of anxiety and inner shaking...am focusing on now...being...instead of doing (my therapists over the years have consistently said that I am such a big doing that I need to focus on being--whatever that means--my mind is not clear on anything...but I keep bringing it back to the present and feeling my body, whatever this is that has me hyperventilating and anxious and inwardly shaking...and praying and asking God for help as I have all my life.

jjj111

Iris, I'm sorry that things are feeling a little overwhelming right now. It sounds like your husband is putting a lot of pressure on you to file for disability. Is this what you want to do? I can't remember whether you've mentioned his status in your previous posts. Is he also a substance abuser? Is he seeking work? I hope that things will stabilize for you. You deserve some peace in your life.

irisgardens

He is from south america and lived the life of a south american man (Chile--more european) during most of my years which means he drank a lot...although he doesn't do that now...but he never made a lot of money...because he didn't finish his 'self employed' construction jobs on time and I had savings so it was easy to just take from there...but after 16 years...savings ran out...between that and the serial addict children...with the latest being the active heroin addict...and so I have been the primary financial provider (I am/was? a financial controller--management and a lot of pressure to be completely accurate or 'right' financially and also stressed with the substance abuse (serial) of my daughters and the primary emotional support (did therapy as long as I could fund from savings--to be able to get up after my first big depression and 'fall down'--couldn't get out of bed--to be able to go back to work in 2006...and until now have managed to find jobs in my field...but still get laid off or fired in 10 months or so. I put it down to the bad economy, but I am certainly part of the problem...and I have hit the end of my rope. The whole time we were 'going down', I was working on my program and he did some work with me when it became clear that my second daughter was addicted to crystal meth...then his 'our' business feel apart in 2008--during the down turn...during those years I faced needing to separate from my mother and sister who didn't want anything to do with me after my Dad died...before then...I had been working very long weeks (60-70 hrs which is my profession) and being there with my Mom and Dad as he went through his last 11 years. I was traumatized by the fact that they cut me off right after Dad died...and hence did the work in alanon and therapy and it helped a lot...but it wasn't perfect...I had women friends who stood by me during much of that time as I was raising my two youngest Chile. I got us to Chile (my last big fixit project) in 2011--it took from 2008 and stressful jobs that I kept getting laid off or fired from...my long term therapist (who turned into a friend...and who I saw last week) simply told me that his culture makes him self centered and absorbed. He is now trying to find a job in his field of construction...but it is a slow time of year. Because I have been laid off or working to find jobs in my field over the past 10 years...often at Christmas (between Thanksgiving and Christmas is slow)--I am completely down for the count...I am trying to stay in the game...I actually went down like this once before--12 years after my son had passed...8 years in the highest pay, highest stress jobs I could find to help my family not to go down financially (common in child death) and to deal with the first daughter's drug addiction--and Dad's serious stroke (major) that he had the same year my son died and which I helped Mom with...and having 2 subsequent children...during that time I worked with husband in his small construction company until we ran out of money in 2004/2005 and found the new set of jobs (not as highly paid or as good but opportunities) and continued on...then went to Chile where it was clear that all the resources had been spent...again...supposedly the construction site we invested in was sold and we will get something...but it has been almost a year and husband was in Chile for 7 months finishing up an 'estimated' 2 month job while the kids were rejecting me here with the last job...and I also tried to help active addict...and husband between last December and April...and the stress built up so much and I got fired again...and this time I am not doing well at all...hence the therapist (a codependency therapist) and the medication re-eval...but the anxiety is overwhelming and I am not trying to find my active addict anymore...and let the previous crystal meth addict (who bonded with my foo and my son while I was in Chile to agree that I am crazy (because they don't believe in meds for depression or in supporting anyone that was honest about things--I told mother that 2nd daughter was a crystal meth addict on the one time she said she would drive me to rehab 10-12 years ago--and that I was on meds for depression and she started calling me an addict, bipolar (like my fathers' sister etc) and after trying to over-explain for many years...I finally let go but had spent many years trying to apologize and to re-contact...but the family dynamics changed instanteously when Dad died...I was the new scapegoat...and my sister who has run Mom's business was the new 'helper' daughter...so I did more therapy...

In Chile, it got so tight (I am good at living tight) and I prayed with my face on the floor of the construction site we were staying in--in Chile...no one ever admits that things are bad...and puts on shows and my husband was doing so well at that...and the anxiety that leaked off me...and needing to be in bed to rest (for like 6 months until my daughter relapsed and the 4 other kids refused to participate in family support as I requested) and I found out that husband was faithful but in Chile...they expect the woman to do everything...(at least in many families) and I am no longer capable...the amount and length of trauma has been horrendous.

So, the SDI think...he did pressure me last time...and I feel pressured again...but on the other hand...I have no idea what I can do to work right now. Just looked up food stamps and he has gone to get a check cashed from a long-time business associate who bounced a check in April and he is trying to collect now. He finished the job that I made him go back to Chile to finish (not sure how well...but he did finish it without any savings--can't get blood out of a turnip) and yet...I am still the only one in the family doing any recovery work...active addict is MIA, one therapist told me that the rest of my 4 kids are selfish and self absorbed (20-35)--I set some boundaries with them in June when daughter went MIA but the backlash was deafening in it's silence and I lived with barely anything for the two extra months and kept posting...he got home last week and is looking. Let me mention that in Chile and then twice after I got back I screamed him out for being so financially irresponsible for so many years and then when I got back...found out that he took money that he can't repay to our oldest son.

So...with the firing...I am completely beside myself. Don't know what to do...so am praying and in his culture, the amount of anxiety and nervousness I am feeling is 'sick' (legitimately so)--hence the SDI...but I don't know what to do anymore.

Let me add that in the years it took to get to Chile...there was a bankruptcy and a foreclosure and then when I wanted to come back...I asked the two middle kids who had places in Burlingame...and was denied...the ex crystal meth daughter keeping the apartment we (at least me) had only agreed to leave with her until we figured out if Chile was going to work...so that was a big deal and I had been so stress sick the 6 months before I joined him in Chile.

So now very stress sick again and have absolutely no idea what I am capable of doing.

I don't believe that he will be responsible (as I have learned here--the past is a predictor of the present/future)--praying like crazy every day for God to help me (have been a prayer warrior for years for others...and just kind of realized last year in Chile with a few but critical friends of faith that it is probably ok to pray for me...and am asking for guidance and one day at a time. I am going to see the doctors this week.

Last time I was this bad...it took me 8 years to get up and going again...with therapy...now there is nothing...and I don't know what to do or how to do it...am out of new ideas.

irisgardens

I feel very very frightened...and each day is very hard...not getting the motivation to get out of bed that I had in the first weeks...the lack of activity on job nibbles that has been there in the past...just praying that God will help.

irisgardens

It is all avalanching and I need to know that my HP is here...so clinging to my belief in God...

Sorry for so much being poured out...but it is all coming out...have been holding strong for a very long time...and with the exception of goods in storage...which I hope to have the energy with husband to see on ebay...I am just feeling so terrified...and it feels as if all the walls and boundaries that I put up over the 1st two daughters and with husband have come tumbling down.

Does anyone here relate? I know it is worse because of it being Thanksgiving weekend and my 2nd daughter (who I killed myself to help and who is doing well--but is very immature) went to my Mothers house for Thanksgiving and has openly accused me of being mentally ill and talks loud and so the two families are still united (I was told that my mother was a narcissist many years ago and it took so much energy to deal with her and to extricate myself)--and I feel done in...exhausted...

So I am doing what I can...wished the 2nd daughter to have fun for thanksgiving, no longer want to know what she is doing...I always say ...I love you...she insists I don't, but that isn't my issue...my issue is caring too much about others and not enough about myself...I am clinging to my naranon meeting, have managed to make it until husband came home (yes I am enmeshed)...and am just trying to listen for God's guidance which has been there for me all my life when I was helping others...but can't hear it right now for me...which I am told is because I have not figured out how to reach deep...

I looked up food pantries and food stamps today for husband to check into while he is looking for a job.

I will try to be as forthright as possible with therapist...it takes a lot for me to trust people and when they tell me I 'can' do it...I always try to 'rise' to the occasion and do the next right thing...I have always tried to do this...I am crying now...it is harder to cry with family around...they can't stand it...and I have not been posting as much because I just don't feel as if I am making progress...even though I am doing what I can. I have not completely detached from my active addict daughter and was on a parents of addicts site...but got too depressed after 1 1/2 years and the last two months as a leader...and also last Thanksgiving I spent all alone...and it was so devastating and I have no real support group here anymore...going to Chile kind of broke the links.

I am sorry to post so much...I know I am supposed to be stronger than this...but it is all so overwhelming and I simply don't know what to do anymore at all.

So will continue to read my literature, pray, and ask God for help...and to show me what to do first, 2nd, 3rd...because with this disaster and the state of mind I am in...that is all I can do.

irisgardens

I am praying that God will enable me to be able to tell my pdoc something that will help him decide to re-evaluate my meds. I have been on almost the same meds for 19 years (through daughter #1 and daughter #2 etc.)--with the recent addition of another but it does nothing for the anxiety (I was very insistent 19 years ago that the anti-depressants needed to be non-addictive...hence paxil and now wellbutrin) but I am so darn scared (deep scared) now for my very survival...and if this is coming up from childhood (I was the over-responsible one and grew up taking care of family members while mom and dad were off on business trips...to make money and they made it).

I know I have overcomplicated this...but sincerely don't know what to do or say that sounds normal.

irisgardens

I am trying to be a bit more gentle with myself too...but the desperation is so so very hard...have had a lot of that in my life. Trying not to judge myself...but it is so hard. The daughter who is lost in heroin is so lost and I had to set the boundary with her as I did my other daughters...because there is some power in consistency...and they both harbor resentments towards me that they may never deal with (have put it all down to teenage acting out & mistakes that they are over)--the oldest one is not allied as much with the 2nd one now as she was in June when I told her she could not stay with me and bring her son (after the one daughter took my apartment and refused to let me stay--I needed the calm of living alone especially since all the kids had stopped contacting me when I came back--they were afraid that we were going to divorce...but that is so beyond me at this point--on 40th year of marriage)--and daughter #2 subsequently found a boyfriend in her 'recovery group' and moved him in and kicked out daughter #1--so she recently found her own apartment--so that boundary worked...5 months later and son #2 who had been living with her was also kicked out -- he came here (20 and doing his work and going to school and not asking for money--figured out how to get his own community college books)--and well ... thank you for letting me post...this is how things come out for me...I apparently stuff and work hard to fix and then lose my last 'hope' and then need to stand up again. It has been 13 years (when Dad died) since it was so bad. I am eating healthier (working on my eating addiction that has been present since age 16) and cut out sugar some months ago...

jjj111

Iris, it does sound like you have spent a lot of your life supporting and pleasing other people. It sounds like the ups and downs of your relationships with family and your husband affect you very deeply. I can understand that. For a long time I was "enmeshed", as my therapist put it, with my sister and was so dependent on her love and approval that she could crush me and manipulate me with a little rejection. It has really helped me in recent years to distance myself and focus on cultivating other sources of self esteem.


Honestly, it sounds like your husband has often been a source of strain, like you have supported him with your savings and fixed things when his business attempts didn't go well. Not sure what role drinking played in his business problems. I hear you excusing a lot of his behavior that seems to make you unhappy as a cultural difference--e.g. his drinking. I'm sure it's true that there are cultural differences, but don't forget that your needs still matter.

Sounds like your family knows how much it hurts when they call you crazy. Maybe it's time to just focus on you and take a break from caring what they think? They are all grown and responsible for themselves now. I have discovered that it can be very liberating to just be too "busy" to spend time with people in my live who drain me, and it doesn't have to be a big show of setting boundaries, I will just say "Oh, gosh, sorry, I'm so busy, maybe another time." Sounds like it's time for you to be all about taking care of Iris! I hope you will keep going to your meetings, whether or not your husband is in the picture. Just curious, does he not drink at all now? When did he quit? Did he do it with support (AA or rehab)?

Maybe it will lift your mood to do something you enjoy today. Take a walk, a long bath, do something creative, read a book you love. Take good care of you! If you are in a better place mood-wise, you will have more energy for job-hunting.

irisgardens

Thank you for your words...you said what I was afraid to say...and I need to do something for me.

irisgardens

jjj111--you gave me a lot to think about. I have spent all my life--since age 16 (when I was an exchange student with a chilean family with whom I have maintained a relationship all my life). I can tell you that it is a very different culture and that things we take for granted here work very differently there (was last there from 8/2012-6/2013 & had a chance to confirm with my adult girlfriends, etc).

Having said that, my foo shunned me 13 years ago when my Dad died...I was grieving him heavily plus grieving my son's death from the prior 10 years...and I have also spent the last 10 years working hard to be there for children and husband. We have hit bottom financially and I am not strong right now.

Just trying to do what I need to do one day at a time. He came back from Chile last week and told me that he needs to find a job and started looking and I am trying to feel better...enough better to believe that I can find a job (rather...get up daily to put my resume out (need to go to an outsourced computer person) and hopefully get some phone calls for interviews. I look on the internet every day but the anxiety gets in the way.

irisgardens

jjj111---thank you for your words and questions. I do not know how to answer. Have spent my entire life since age 16 (when I was an exchange student in Chile) and lived in a family (who I got to visit when I lived there from 8/2012-6/2013) and had remained in contact with...I can tell you that the cultural differences ARE quite different...I went over my questions in detail with my friends from high school (both spiritual women and friends for a lifetime) as well as in conversational english classes with a Spanish couple there who had very acute and educated observations. I have kept my household for the past 40 years and raising 5 living children...I have worked for years on the awakening that my father was an alcoholic (about 13 years ago) and doing work on that part...and I clearly have issues of my own as I have not held a job for more than 15 months in the past 6 years...although that was the economic downturn as well...so I am reading and listening to what you have to say. I can tell you that my immediate family are all in absolute denial of any drug or alcohol use as were my family of origin when I somewhat naively brought it up and was honest...I became the scapegoat there and contact was cut over the years..although grandchildren (yes those I helped and who used) are all welcome...just not me now...and I am very afraid of losing all family. Right now, the only real support I have is the doctor...I have been isolating and am not even sure what to do to change things except continue with the readings in my ESH naranon book, set the boundaries with my active heroin addict daughter (MIA for 5 months--I chose not to try to find her except for a couple of times) and to go to my weekly meeting and to see the doctors this week and to keep on working my program. I have set many boundaries over the years...but right now...with the family dynamics and the holiday season and the daughter MIA and with half an ear waiting for the call to come that she is dead...I am overflowing. I have prayed since I was young and always believed in a God...just not as much for me...so since June...am trying to just think what is good for me in every thought...and not to incessantly worry. My long-time therapist has told me that my husband is self absorbed (we did many years of marriage and family therapy when my 1st and 2nd daughters were partying up) because of his culture.

Hawks

Hi Iris

The best tool I have found for staying present is to ask myself...

"How is everything right NOW? "

Next time you are doing something, ask yourself every 15 seconds or so for about 15 minutes.

Just question / answer.

Example.... "here I am making breakfast, how's things now?

All good, toast looks yummy.

Here I am making my favourite cup of tea... How's things now?

Mmmm, love earl grey tea.

Just simple stuff like that and see what happens

irisgardens

Thank you Hawks...that will fit the bill...will try it.

Ann

Iris, regardless of what your children want, or what your husband wants...maybe take time to decide what YOU want for your life. It's okay to want something different than what others expect you to want, if that makes sense.

Financially hard times are very stressful and it's good you are making arrangements for help wherever you can get it.

If you can find another job, perhaps the financial relief and independence will help you plan for your own future. If/when you start working again, maybe make sure that your money goes to building a new future, and perhaps save a little extra aside for an emergency fund for yourself.

Try to breathe deeply when you feel overwhelmed, keep going to your meetings and don't compromise your own needs and values for anyone else's.

Hugs and prayers for better days ahead.

hopeful4

Iris, it breaks my heart to hear the pain of your posts.

I can only say that maybe now is a time to step away from anyone who is hurting you, children included. Turn them over to God for now as you cannot control that situation at all, and sometimes it's a lot less hurt to speak to them less and to love from afar.

As far as your husband, it sounds like he is looking for work, which is very good at the moment. Encourage him as best you can. It sounds like there is a lot of built up resentments from the past with him, I hope you continue to work on that with therapy and meetings.

Just know we are here, walking with you, supporting you each step of the way.

Many hugs...XXX

Vale

irisgardens,

We hear you, you matter----

Your SR friends care....and you MATTER.

(Yeah, I repeated myself........and yeah, I meant to.)

irisgardens

Thanks all...today is better...have seen my doctor team (therapist, pdocs, new program)--and they say that it is a good sign I am so actively seeking help and following through despite all the stuff that needs to be dealt with according to God's calendar and time, not mine.

I appreciate all the support and have dialed back to just staying present...not questioning every single thing I do or say...and am trusting that god is guiding me and helping me in the right ways rather than letting me take over...and my doctors were great (2 I have known long term--one helped with group therapy for my RAD (crystal meth) from 10 years ago and the other dates from my first daughter (19 years ago)--and he told me that what I am feeling is actually quite normal given how much stress I have felt and dealt with for so long. It felt reassuring...

I love this site...and I have treatment for the next two weeks that will help me. I am working hard not to analyze things...I have a great memory and also am gifted analytically, but I realize that I no longer need to sift through the past...as I did for so many years...because I have learned, responded, done tons of work over the years...and I know I did my very very best...and I know that there is no one in my family to blame for the addiction except perhaps generations of genes on both sides.

I usually don't know very well what I am feeling...so thank you for allowing the novels and what I have written...because they helped me to tell my therapist the truth without sugar coating (which is a lifelong practice).

Living minute by minute right now...but carrying through with the list I posted a few weeks ago...something every day...and also, not 'over-talking' with my adult children but being calm and caring without being enmeshed in their lives or decisions. Have been watching 4 year old grandson which is a blessing as his mom works nights as a nurse.

Was completely honest with therapists on how long the behaviors and pattern have been going on...and also honest with what I am doing...working on healthier eating, my sleep is good, and when I can...and am ready...my body always tells me...I will be exercising...but no pushing things to the edge as I do myself and have done all my life to 'rise' to the crisis energy needed to make something happen.

I have turned my AD over to God today and will continue to do so.

Vale

irisgardens,

It sounds like you are centering on a nominal track and a positive vector.

We don't need sugarcoating here (a lot of empty calories)----but we DO appreciate the
real. "Perfect" people have never impressed me in the slightest. I know from long experience
that it takes but a nudge to set them all "wobbly" and astable. People who invest heavily in
'airs' pre-identify themselves as those who will fold quickly come high stress.

No, I prefer a little battle damage, or at least some scuffed paint. Some accuse me
of having a perfect life----but they have no idea of what I've had to overcome to get here.
The pro's say what you are feeling is normal---trust them.

Work on you. It sounds like you are, and doing a very good job of it.
The world can take care of itself---it did so very well long before we were here and
will do so very well long after we are gone.

Be grateful to be a part of it all....as I am.