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Substance Abuse...Inpatient Rehab

Old 11-13-2014, 08:39 PM
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Substance Abuse...Inpatient Rehab

My boyfriend admitted himself to an inpatient rehab 2 days ago. It took me doing a lot of convincing and a lot of self-realization for him to realize it was the best thing. The hardest thing i've ever witnessed in my life of only 20 years, was watching someone i love so much realizing they're in no control of their addiction because it's taken over. We haven't been together long, but it feels like forever...one of those instant connections, ya know? We instantly hit it off and I have stood by him through things I never thought even existed, let alone anything I ever thought I'd witness.
My boyfriend suffers from bipolar depression and anxiety, and having a bipolar-depressive father who was also alcoholic...I know the affects the disease of both bipolar and addiction. But I also know, to an extent they have no control over these things once they take over so much...they're diseases they take time to heal and get control over. Knowing this I've only ever held him accountable for his drug addiction...not towards anything else.
In the first few weeks we were together, I realized there was a problem whenever I saw him for about a week straight and he always smelt like weed. Now, we are in college so I'm not completely naive...I know boys smoke weed occasionally. But, the fact that he was incapable of being sober was a concern of mine...I knew he had drug problems prior to us meeting and getting set up but I was told it was no longer a problem and he was straightening back up. So I confronted him and told him things have to change or i'm leaving...I want someone whose here mentally and is sober (majority of the time...again we're in college) so he stopped...or so I thought. Then I saw him do a bunch of different drugs one night and it scared me but behind it all I knew there were problems and causes to why he was doing what he was doing...it was his way of coping with something. Later on that month, I worked late one night and got a call from the friends that had set us up telling me he was being sketchy and was going to NOLA...well considering I was supposed to be going see him after work I called him concerned and he assured me nothing was happening and he wasn't doing any drugs or anything like that he was just going to NOLA. The next day, my same friends that called me and told me he was being sketchy, told me they walked downstairs that morning to see him passed out on the couch and told me we needed to have an intervention with him. So later that day we all went to the apartment and talked to him telling him we were concerned and he needed to change things or something bad would end up happening. (He drove to and from NOLA (1 hour drive) drugged up, and denied being on any drug.) You could look at him and tell he was on something...you could just tell he had no idea what was going on, it was heartbreaking. But we continued on with our intervention and it seemed to work, until his therapist put him in out-patient. He went to a music festival 3 weeks into the outpatient workshop and did molly, ecstasy, weed, and bars. Needless to say, this sparked his addiction once more. It made him remember what it was like to forget all his problems...but it also made him forget when he comes back from being in drugged up land all the problems are worse. We'll that leads to 3 days ago...when his therapist, his mom, his friends, and I decided it was time for inpatient. We realized he's probably been lying and continued using bars and weed and just never let anyone know. Looking back over the past two weeks I notice a weight loss that he claimed was from running...but when he runs he brags to me about his times because he knows I only dream of ever running his 3 mile times...and he never once bragged.

I just don't know how to cope with my best friend and someone I love so much not being around for 30 days...or how to help him once he gets out...or even how to be when I can visit or he calls. Does anyone have any advice?
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Old 11-16-2014, 08:55 AM
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The best advise I could you is for you to focus on you and look into codependency. Figure out why you fell so fast and hard for someone you knew had a history of drug abuse. Why this one person seems to have filled a void in you when the fact is he really has nothing to offer you because his addiction in one form or another will always come first and you will always be second.

When we use terms like....instant connection, haven't been together long but love them very much......it comes down to our issues not theirs.

You make a lot of excuses for his drug use, his past, his bi-polar, etc. and when we begin to do that we fall on the side of enablers.

He has to do what he has to do and if you are worried you will lose this relationship because he is in rehab then it's not a healthy one.
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Old 11-16-2014, 09:22 AM
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I'm sorry but the hard facts without trying to make you feel bad about yourself is that there are a ton of excuses in your post excusing what he does. Reread it and actively try to be honest with yourself and see if you can find them. Sometimes we just need to be hit with our own reality. I've been reading and rereading my posts trying to finding my own excuses I make for my AH and see where I'm afraid to take responsibility for what I need to do. I look at some of them and think, "I can't believe I'm allowing this to happen to my children or I".

I'm familiar with bi-polar, depression and anxiety. It's in my family to varying degrees and just like anything else, a person active in their treatment very much can be responsible for their behavior. Maybe you've just never seen anyone actively do that for themselves. So yes we can hold them accountable for owning that as well as for their addiction.

I don't mean to be hard on you. I once very much had the same mindset at your age. With 20 years passed now, I'm still sometimes wanting to revert back to that. If I could beg you not to make my mistakes I most certainly would. Don't sell yourself short and ever believe that you can fix or change or control what another person does. Don't ever believe you can save them. Don't ever take responsibility for their choices. But most of all don't ever believe that this young man is all you deserve, that he is all their is out there.

You don't know who he is when he is not an addict. What do you love because since you've met him, he's been under the control of a substance and also not treating his bi-polar. I doubt this young man knows who he is so how can he fully give to you also? This is a battle I can tell you now, doesn't have a future for you. You can care and be there as a friend if you can handle it, but aim much higher for yourself. Try to get your heart and head in line with each other. I know your hurting and am sending hugs and prayers but really, this situation is not good for you. Please don't let his addictions and problems be brought into your life.
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