vaya

Dear Desypete, I am truly sorry for your loss. It is this very fear of loss that drove me to enable my son, thinking I could save him. Now, after many, many years of helping him, letting him stay with me, while he got loaded constantly, financially supporting him, I realize it didn't help at all. He could have just as easily overdosed back then. The fear still constantly gnaws at me, now that he is homeless again because he left rehab. However, if we continue to prevent our addict children from hitting bottom and realize the insanity of their choices, they may never seek help and recover. It is still hard for me to do although I believe it to be true.

I understand and truly empathize with how you must feel. I am deeply sorry for your loss and will keep you in my prayers.

irisgardens

Dear Desypete--again, I am so sorry for your loss...having lost a child myself...it took me years and years of work to not be hypervigilent, engage in catastrophic (speaking for myself...not others) thinking, and all that goes with grieving a child...

I pray for you daily and can tell you that, with time, the loss is not as cutting as it is in the early years...and you were a good father to your son...and you did your very best for him.

As a mother...I know this. This is exactly why I have done codependency work and alanon, naranon...because I know that I cannot keep my child alive...and that doing too much for them...as I did with my 2 addict daughters as teenagers is not going to help her...I have been posting with a lot of emotion and overwhelm of empathy...but as I have been reading your posts...you are allowing me to understand that I truly didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it. For this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart...as being on the site and posting and other triggers have reopened some of the unprocessed pain from my son's death...but in me...not in others.

My adult children have become wise enough through their own experiences that they are not enabling and for that I need to be grateful...because they all tried to help her but she was not ready to be helped or to help herself. My other 4 adult children are taking care of themselves...although they have their problems and sometimes push on me...I have become something of the scapegoat due to my willingness to take it all on for so many years...but I have been working through my own ACOA issues and dealing with them.

Some of the things that reopened for me here...are truly in the past...I can't change it, but I am realizing that to blame myself for everything is not healthy either...so will work on that. I spent my years after child death in both therapy and grief support groups and it is thanks to these that I did the best I could in that moment...and those moments..then added alanon 5 years later when my 16 year old first born started drugs. She is now 35...perfectly capable of dealing with her own life. I need to set better boundaries to protect myself from the words she says...which are all about she is fine...I am sick.

I am glad she is sober...but my boundaries need to be stronger. My 2nd--28--is going to her grandmother's for Thanksgiving...I know it is because we enabled her...and thanks to our enabling we lost everything...she is doing fine...she blames me for all and all seem to listen to her...so dealing with my own stuff has to continue...I am no longer reaching out due to her manipulative nature...which I finally awoke to (through other manipulators in my life--a friend ?) and worked on in myself...I realized I had been manipulable all my life so worked hard...still working hard. Lost my standing with the job last year...but now realizing again (clarity -- thank you) that I can be so manipulated by manipulators.

My 3rd daughter went no contact as she does not want any help nor is she ready to help herself. At first I felt guilty about it...after all...I spent x # of years helping #1 and x # of years helping #2 and she needed me...but it has been 5 years now...and she has made it clear that she doesn't want the help. Last year, she even told me that the reason people take advantage of me is that I am too nice and manipulable...that was a glimmer of her former honest self coming through...it didn't last.

I have allowed her to go with a few exceptions...her bf tried to find her again this year (manipulated me last year by telling me where to find her...I felt like I had it in control but his sobriety only lasted the one day out of jail...and then was over and they were back together and it was bad...to worse).

I need to be sane. I deserve to be sane. You deserve compassion and empathy...and you are working at what you can. God Bless.