engaged62715

I have attended one support group so far and started therapy. I want to know how do you not want to look through your addicts belongings to make sure they aren't hiding anything? How can you be happy when you know they can relapse anytime? How do you deal when they are sober but you are always looking for signs of using? How do you resist the urge to look through their phone? I'm being real strong but this is tearing me up slowly. ...interested to see how others do things. My addict is my fiance (for now)

jadealexander

I'm a nosey person to begin with so I get the urge to "snoop" no matter what the circumstances. But I know I need to treat him with respect. I think u will know if they are hiding something. Trust your intuition. My boyfriend is currently in an inpatient program. We haven't been together long. But I am promising myself when he comes out I will try my best to take it one day at a time. I know at anytime he could relapse which is good be aware. But anything can happen at anytime. Im willing to stay with him, so I need to just take it one day at a time. Don't think about the future. Try not to fantasize. Stay positive.

engaged62715

I am a nosey person to begin with too lol I have been taking it one day at a time but it really hard because we have a wedding date already and deposits on everything! My therapist said I should postpone it but I have a little time. I'm praying hard I am ready to make a hard choice if I have to and my fiance knows....but odviously the addict mind doesn't care so even he stays clean for days, months, years the disease is always there ugh

jadealexander

What is he addicted to? How long has he been clean?

engaged62715

Herion he was clean 15 months then relapsed this summer. Now clean only 9 days...

incitingsilence

Why do you need to look through his belongings?
What is it about you that doesn’t allow you to trust enough to accept the truth right in front of your eyes?

Can you live with someone who you may never be able to trust?
Can you live always waiting for the other shop to drop?

Do you have boundaries that protect you and assure you the best life possible?

And back to trust, I trust my husband will do exactly what he wants to do. He knows for damn sure I will be doing the same

I don’t live at all waiting for some shoe to drop. And yet I also worked very hard on myself to get to where I am today. Confident, self aware, and very in charge of my life and happiness in the marriage mix.

Would you like your own personal belongs gone through?
For me I would not at all like anyone in my phone, or emails or on my computer snooping around. That would be a huge violation of trust that I would not stand for no matter if I was using or not. But that's just me.

And maybe more important … would transparency really give you the answers you need or might you have them already?

And I doubt it will because I am watching that now and not for anything as much as my gf needs the transparency and it much as her husband’s therapist said he must be, I don’t see any change so I am not sure the transparency means much of anything. It is like false hope to me.

engaged62715

I see what you are saying, odviously trust has been lost and for some sick reason looking and finding nothing helps? I'm holding on the a great person he is a side of the addiction. I'm so sad but no one can tell

hopeful4

For myself, when I stopped snooping was a big sign of MY OWN recovery. What will happen will happen if you snoop or not. I know I always knew my X was going to drink. What was even more toxic was me digging through all sorts of hiding spots becoming some obsessed mess in trying to find his hidden alcohol. It was not productive at all.

So like any behavior, you have to ask yourself what do you get from it? Does it have any positive changes associated with it? For me, the answer was always no. So I stopped looking, and if I found any by accident I simply put them on the table and did not say a word. He knew what I was thinking, and I knew he would make a bunch of empty promises and lies that would make me even more upset.

My time was much better spent figuring out how to make myself strong enough and have enough confidence that no matter the outcome, I knew I would be ok.

Good luck to you, and God Bless!

Neagrm

The answer to your question/s lies in self awareness and education. Incitingsilence poses important questions. The strong need to control says more about your own issues than it does about his. There is excellent help available to us as we learn to let go/detach in healthy ways and heal ourselves.

I no longer obsess on my AH and make myself crazy with the things I'm powerless over. I change those things that I can, mainly myself and my attitudes. I learned how to observe my own mind, question the stories I tell myself about whatever, and challenge myself to be as healthy as I can be mental health-wise, it's what keeps me sane in the chaos around me.

I learned how to do this, how to tell the difference between what was mine to deal with and what was his, how to return to my Self and reclaim my own life, stay grounded, communicate and set boundaries in healthy ways, have my own happiness and peace ... through wise counseling, and a strong Al-Anon group with the help of one-on-one mentoring using the Steps. Al-Anon has saved my life, saves me from my old mistaken thinking, and gives the gift of loving kindness for myself and my AH who remains in denial. It's not an easy time and can be a roller-coaster. But I'm able to stay balanced with the help of new thinking. When I lose perspective or need a reality check, I've got my 12-Step friends to help me stay on track as I sort it out.

Best wishes to you on this journey to your own health.

engaged62715

[QUOTE=hopeful4;4939712]For myself, when I stopped snooping was a big sign of MY OWN recovery. What will happen will happen if you snoop or not. I know I always knew my X was going to drink. What was even more toxic was me digging through all sorts of hiding spots becoming some obsessed mess in trying to find his hidden alcohol. It was not productive at all.

So like any behavior, you have to ask yourself what do you get from it? Does it have any positive changes associated with it? For me, the answer was always no. So I stopped looking, and if I found any by accident I simply put them on the table and did not say a word. He knew what I was thinking, and I knew he would make a bunch of empty promises and lies that would make me even more upset.

My time was much better spent figuring out how to make myself strong enough and have enough confidence that no matter the outcome, I knew I would be ok.

Good luck to you, and God Bless![/QUOT

Thank you so much that was well said and makes so much sense! I'm working on myself and so glad ppl are here to help

engaged62715

Thanks so much I have attended one meeting and plan to go back. I know I can't control it and he will find a way if he wants to use. Thanks again

engaged62715

I'm glad I posted today I feel much better

KariSue

I have been on this crazy train off and on for 15 years or so with my son. I never really snooped in his things but I would find things by accident. I would always check where he was when he was living with me though. I knew if he was going out to his car for no apparent reason or in the garage that something was up.

After awhile (a long while) I learned to trust my gut. Someone here said that you know inside when something is up. In other words, you know what addiction looks like and you'll know what sober looks like when you see it. I really believe that. Trust your gut.

If you don't feel right about anything then please postpone the wedding until you feel completely comfortable. You are asking for years of heartache. Most addicts are ALL wonderful people when they are sober BUT they're addicts so they AREN'T sober all the time and you never know when they are or aren't. You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm not trying to scare you but if you were my daughter I'd tell you to break it off. Then after he has some verifiable recovery time in THEN revisit getting engaged.

I just hate to see someone else pulled into this nightmare.

Kari

engaged62715

Thank you Kari, my mom doesn't know anything that's going on. I have been talking to his mom who has 26 years sober and is very active in Na sponsoring etc to this day. My mom is not someone to ask advice but I need to let her know what's going on cause every time she mentions the wedding I get nervous. Usually the gut is rt I agree thank you so much for taking the time to share your experience with me

engaged62715

**I plan to tell me mom tonight

hopeful4

I am glad you are here too! Everyone deserves support! I am also hugely glad you are telling your mom. When I stopped covering up the issues regarding addiction in my marriage, and stopped covering up what was going on, it changed my life. It opened up a face to face support system for myself. It brought me closer to my family and close friends and made it so I always had someone to turn to.

Many hugs coming your way!!!!

atalose

It's good your going to meetings and posting here helps. You may not always like what we have to say but we say it because it has to be said.

What kind of a recovery program is he working? And how long has he been working it?

0to60

When I allowed active addiction in my home, I had to have proof that I wasn't crazy. When I learned to set healthy boundaries, I removed the addict from my home and then the obsession to know, or prove anything, was also removed.

Regaining my sanity was a slow process of progress, not perfection.

engaged62715

Thanks do much everyone for the positive words. I told my mom and she knew something was up already. She told me I can always talk to her and she can relate cause my dad was a addict before they divorced. I was only 2 when they separated and he was in jail most of my life. I also told my best friend of over 20 years today because she told me she had a dream about him using, crazy! I do have an awesome support system and I'm strong I'll be able to handle whatever decision I have to make. You are rt I might always like what advice I am given but sometimes that's what you need. he goes to aa only because his mom is well known in na she has 26 years sober. He is fighting a staph infection now which isn't helping things, he needs therapy too

SparkleKitty

I stopped looking for evidence when I accepted that whatever I found or didn't find, my XABF's addiction was out of my control, and also accepted that my lack of trust was valid and reasonable (and not mine to fix).