Need support....

Old 10-08-2014, 11:05 AM
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Need support....

First of all I wanted to say I grew up in a blended family and my brother was a drug addict. He was a lot older than me and I never really understood addiction...then come college and I grew up a lot, I started drinking and hanging out with alcoholics. I drank four days a week. It was the normal college life I figured, and then I moved back home and drank every weekend, but my tolerance built. I worked at a bar and I would drink like crazy. I am over two years sober and have no desire to ever to back to that life, my older brother who's been an addict all his life is doing good and has three months sober. I know that that isn't much in the scheme of things, but his life seems to be back together. It was just six months ago that we went through a lot with him. I realize there is issues concerning him and myself, but my issues have to do with my other younger brother, and most importantly my best guy friend. It was my best guy friend that opened up my eyes to what addiction really was. I met him 7 years ago at work and we became close fairly quickly he was a bit younger than me but he knew my family already, we had so much in common, interests and people and we connected right away. He was dating someone at the time and always in between girls but we always stayed close. We would talk at work, text and hang out at staff parties, when he was single for a time frame we got closer and hung out a bit, after one night of texting all night, we did that often I realized I had feelings for him but never said anything to him. He eventually ended up dating a co worker of ours but it didnt seem to help me move on, this relationship really didnt seem to be going anywhere and he and I stayed close throughout it ... We even hung out a couple of times and he never cheated with me and knew I was the type to not, always respected me, but we were flirty and romantic, we went on a get away and he held my hand the whole time. After we lost our jobs everything started to change. We still talked the first few months, then I really needed him on Christmas Eve and he was there for me talked to me for hours to make sure I was okay. But it was shortly after that he stopped responding to me. For about six weeks I didnt hear from him and I seem pictures of him and heard around town that he looked awful. My reasons for not telling him my feelings were not just the girl in his life but I knew he used drugs recreationally(so I thought) also neither of us had a vehicle and we both lived at home so I knew it would never work...anyways I confronted him one day and he talked to me for hours and he said that he was unhappy with his relationship and life and how the girlfriend was doing bad with drugs he didnt say anything about his using being a struggle. Of course the girl was struggling and was in and out of detox. He also ended up taking the fall for the both of them lost his job, went to detox, got out and a month later committed a armed robbery. Of course the girlfriend got some treatment and got away with nothing, and left him for another guy. I at the time was so angry with her to do that to him. She's doing extremely well right now. Anyways, he did his time and I tried to reach out to him but he would not talk to me. He didn't want to receive my letter. The last time we had spoke was right before he left for detox and I admitted I went to his family to get them to give him help. So he got out of jail and he never contacted me...he would be hanging out with all kinds of girls and looked like he was doing ok and staying in sober living but you could tell he was struggling big time. He was disobeying the rules and going out to the bars and hanging around bad people. He would talk to me some days, he would run into me a few times and talk to me all with a huge smile on his face, and some days he would ignore me. All the while he would like things on my facebook, we even hung out for a bit and chatted at a hockey game. After about the third girl he said there was nothing going on with, but would tell his family members to not tell them where he was, I had three girls in that time message me, two of these girls he was hanging out with and one he was for sure using with, the one he was using with I knew and she had nothing good to say...said he told her how he hated me. The other girl wanted to know who I was and all thought she was in a relationship with a guy she didnt even know what happened and wanted info out of me, he had been hanging out with a third girl other then those two and had relapsed, he told me at that point he wanted nothing to do with me, he told his family he and this girl were just friends which myself and his family believe he was using all these girls because he was still hanging around all of them. But once he relapsed he stopped talking to me all together again and it wasnt long after that he got caught stealing and went back to jail. The girl he was just friends with was the only decent one of the bunch that never gave me any trouble. I am best friends with his cousin and close to his family and they told me before almost anyone else that he was heading to rehab almost 18 hours away. For 6 months. I had almost given up at this point because I seem some of the bad girls writing to him in jail and I was so upset thinking he's never gonna change . Through support groups and support sites like this I pulled through...yes I do AA, NA, and al anon as often as I can. Im also in therapy, and try to live the best life I can. Anyways once out of jail him and the girl met for coffee and my friend and I happened to run into them. And he spoke to me, just a simple hello and a wave...then the next day he was off on his journey. He is so shy sober. Always has been. But as soon as he got some free time he messaged me..I was so excited. He had almost 5 months clean at this time, we talked all weekend long. It was amazing, like nothing had changed. We talked about everything, and he told me that I mattered to him as much as his family does. And he asked me to hang out when he came home for a visit and was just asking how everyone was doing and being really sweet. He said it was good talking to me and that he would get a hold of me again. A little over a week later he had free time again and he was so depressed. Missing family, missing Christmas and hearing how bad people he knew were doing and not happy. He had to go but he wished me well. I was still hopeful that when he came home in a month I'd hear from him...I never did. He went right back to his user friends. He was only home for a few days everytime but when he did he would be out for hours at a time with these people. My friend and my brother said during this time they seen him at drug houses. I seen him one day driving and he smiled so big and then looked away. I would try to message him and he would read it and get no response. He graduated from his program but his after care fell through and he had to come home. He got another chance at his old job and he had new friends in recovery and his family back and he changed his phone number I really thought he was gonna turn things around. He still wouldn't message me and it wasn't long before he was back to his old self. He lost that job again and went to detox again, he called himself and told his family and they took him. He also called to go back to the rehab to stay clean. He got bus money from his family and went up by himself. He would have about a month clean. From my understanding he's only there for a shorter term this time. I know he doesn't want to come back, but I know his family member that raised him wants him to. I am close with his cousin, but talk to his brother, grandmother and sometimes mother. His father is a deadbeat. I know everything about him and love him very much. I'm just wondering why he won't talk to me, or wondering if he will this time. Im doing pretty good but think about him often. To me he is worth everything, we use to have the same goals for the future, and like all the same things, laugh and get along so well, I know so much about him, his friends, family over the years and it's the same with me. I'm lucky to have his family support, and my family and friends do support me but it is still hard on them as they have never had any addiction issues, except my brothers. I know it would be nice to move forward with someone new but I don't want to...I haven't met anyone that has everything I want in a person like I have with him, and I work nights and don't go out to the bar anymore so I find it hard to meet people, I'm also shy in my recovery, and all my friends are in relationships or are married...or don't get out much cuz they have children, my plan is to go back to school, I start in three weeks and if I don't meet someone there then to move and hopefully a new job , new place, will find it easier to meet people. Just wondering what people's thoughts are, on if because he took matters into his own hands if he's finally hit bottom and if he will talk to me when he's doing good again like he did before...do you think he's embarassed or trying to leave me out of things? Also when he said I mattered as much as family but said me and the other decent girl were the only one thing he had here that matters, what did that mean, he reassured me she was just a friend and she's dating someone else now. I'm told by the family and by the looks of his facebook that all the other girls are pretty well out of the picture, there is a young one messaging him but he's pretty unresponsive to her so I'm not overly worried about that either.
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Old 10-08-2014, 01:05 PM
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He committed armed robbery and hangs out in drug houses, but he is everything you want in a person???

Maybe re-think your motivation for wanting him around...

It doesn't sound like he'd be someone good for you in your own recovery.
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Old 10-08-2014, 01:12 PM
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The armed robbery was two years ago, he hasn't been in jail in over a year now. He's in a facility right now. I didn't say I wanted to be with him right now, I just care about him still and still want to be friends and wondering if he's emotionally withdrawing me because he's not going to change still, or he's just embarrassed and will come around with more clean time...it took 3-5 months last time till he contacted me. He has never used me for anything, and I have over two years free of alcohol ...we don't even have the same doc. He's addicted to pain killers and is iv user, needles scare me and I faint at the sight of them. He is everything I want because of how well we got along, the same interests, being close to each others families, the things we want out of life, of course I wouldn't date him if I even decided to do that until he had over a year clean. I was trying to explain how it's hard to find someone new with my lifestyle and circumstances....and see even suggestions on that side of the spectrum.
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Old 10-08-2014, 03:20 PM
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Purple...

Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you found us.

Here's a question that I think only you can answer. What did it take for you to embrace recovery? What motivated you to do that, and what motivates you to stay in recovery?
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Old 10-08-2014, 03:46 PM
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I think your trying to work me from the inside out? It doesn't solve my problems with my addict friend or addicts in my life and I'm not struggling myself with drinking but I certainly appreciate your questions which may help someone and may even help me with myself or the people in my life. I know doing the things I love always helps me. I'm a youth leader and giving back to them always helps me. I love fitness, the gym and yoga and I like walking and running and really want to do more other physical activity. I enjoy sports, my meetings, getting lost in my music, reading, writing, and I love tv and movies and the arts, I like to cook and bake and do crafts and I love to travel. I like learning. These sites also keep me sane or reading any type of recovery material. Motivation to stay clean is the life I have planned for myself now that I know the direction I am in, and making my friends and family and even "him" proud. I can't say I understand myself completely just that I keep busy and Domt want to go down the road he and some family members went down. I strive to not be like that and I also strive to make my enemies hate me even more. Embracing recovery was changing friends, not entirely, but somewhat, the gym, changing my work schedule to nights, and going to a few meetings, aside from that it was my guy friend and his family that truly opened my eyes and have them to thank.he knows I'm sober and thinks it's awesome...I was in early stages of alcoholism...my therapists both (I've changed therapists about 6 months ago) think it was a great decision for me and I am so glad I made the decision to quit, I also knew if he was gonna ever chose to be with me, my guy friend I couldn't bring any substances to the table whatsoever, and am for that reason not wanting to be with anyone who has any addiction trouble and don't want to ever go down that path again.
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Old 10-08-2014, 04:34 PM
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Originally Posted by purplegrapes View Post
I think your trying to work me from the inside out? It doesn't solve my problems with my addict friend or addicts in my life and I'm not struggling myself with drinking but I certainly appreciate your questions which may help someone and may even help me with myself or the people in my life. I know doing the things I love always helps me. I'm a youth leader and giving back to them always helps me. I love fitness, the gym and yoga and I like walking and running and really want to do more other physical activity. I enjoy sports, my meetings, getting lost in my music, reading, writing, and I love tv and movies and the arts, I like to cook and bake and do crafts and I love to travel. I like learning. These sites also keep me sane or reading any type of recovery material. Motivation to stay clean is the life I have planned for myself now that I know the direction I am in, and making my friends and family and even "him" proud. I can't say I understand myself completely just that I keep busy and Domt want to go down the road he and some family members went down. I strive to not be like that and I also strive to make my enemies hate me even more. Embracing recovery was changing friends, not entirely, but somewhat, the gym, changing my work schedule to nights, and going to a few meetings, aside from that it was my guy friend and his family that truly opened my eyes and have them to thank.
Purple,

I'm not trying to solve your problems. What I am trying to do, however, is get you in a place where your mind is free of noise. I'm trying to get you in a place where you allow your mind to know what it knows. Because you know a lot.

You are to be commended for changing the course of your life. And the reason why I asked how and why you did so was because I'm sure it was pretty damn hard to do so.

Most of the loved ones with alcohol and/or addiction issues we read about here don't do what you did. Most of the time, they keep self destructing, impervious to the consequences to those around them.

So based on how you live your life and what you've had to do to get to where you are, ask yourself if this guy is good for you in any capacity. Because he can put you at risk...
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Old 10-08-2014, 05:05 PM
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He's helped me more than put me at risk because he's inspired me to change to a better me I don't want to live the life he has I've seen how destructive it can be to a person if it progresses. I've got lots of clean time in. He has never brought me around his using whatsoever. I think out of respect. He had supported by clean time as well. I Don't think he has put me at any risk as our doc aren't even the same. You are right though he isn't of any substance to me until he has a bit more clean time in. I guess I just sort of wish we could both recover and pick up where we left off. I feel we are right for each other. I guess no one has answers but time. Which can be frustrating but I've been going through this for quite some time and it hasn't allowed me to relapse...he has made progress and I do feel he is doing better....I think when he gets out of treatment will be the true test. I really feel he meant what he said to me and he and I are right for each other, it's complicated though...I'm older and everyone says I'm so much better than him, but my love for him is so strong and I don't want to give up. N'or do I even know how to with the current lifestyle I have.
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Old 10-08-2014, 05:16 PM
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but my love for him is so strong and I don't want to give up
Well, I won't argue with this. Like I said, Purple, I'm not trying to solve your problems. You're an adult, and you have to make what you feel are your best decisions.

I will leave you with this, however.

Romantic love can leads us to making decisions we otherwise wouldn't make. And I speak from experience when I say this. The lesson I learned the hard way is just because we love someone doesn't mean we should be with them.

In any event, I'm glad you found us, and I hope as the night goes on, others will respond to your post. Enjoy the rest of your night.

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Old 10-08-2014, 05:25 PM
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No romantic love doesn't mean anything but we had a real true friendship going on, and so much in common interests, people, and history, and goals and , sense of humour, everything really...the rare connection you find once in a lifetime...ill forever be trying to find this in someone again, he makes me want to be better and all I want to do is have him in my life. I would give him everything I could. I know more than anyone. We fit into each others families perfectly we bring out the best in one another, I could go on. But you are right, no one can be the true judgement but myself. Addiction is unpredictable and he may be a long way from where he needs to be but I have waited this long and it's gonna be another year before I can get away with a fresh start, I am trying incase I HAVE to but no it isn't what I WANT to do. And it still may not get me to forget nor may I ever settle, I may end up alone forever and I guess that's ok too.
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Old 10-08-2014, 05:28 PM
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Be safe, Purple.
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Old 10-08-2014, 05:29 PM
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Why wouldn't I be safe?
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Old 10-08-2014, 05:38 PM
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Originally Posted by purplegrapes View Post
Why wouldn't I be safe?
I say this to everyone...
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Old 10-08-2014, 05:43 PM
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I will be. I'm headed in a great direction and doing well for myself . This forum didnt give me answers I'm looking for but I tried...and I'm ok...that's all that matters...
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Old 10-08-2014, 06:34 PM
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Originally Posted by purplegrapes View Post
I will be. I'm headed in a great direction and doing well for myself . This forum didnt give me answers I'm looking for but I tried...and I'm ok...that's all that matters...
It's been a somewhat slow day, as some of our regulars haven't been on-line much today.

Even my footprint's been small the past couple of days.
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Old 10-09-2014, 09:29 AM
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what are the ANSWERS you wanted to hear, purple grape?

you described a young man who has cycled thru drugs, rehab, jobs and gf's quite rapidly. he's an IV drug user. he commited ARMED ROBBERY. that means he had a weapon and threatened someone's LIFE in order to get what HE wanted, i'm sure to pay for dope. have you ever had a gun held on you? or a knife? can you imagine the fear that is left with his VICTIMS that will probably never go away?

as it is, going to jail didn't straighten him out. he continued on the same path.

you say you've known him for 7 years but only as FRIENDS. that's the title of your relationship. but YOU have feelings towards him that exceed friendship. hon, if in SEVEN YEARS the guy has never asked you out on a formal date, or indicated he WANTS anything more out of you THAN friendship, then he just ain't that into you.

he's shut off contact before. it's what he does. if he WANTED to contact you, he would. he isn't. grilling his family isn't the way to his heart. surmising on what you THINK he might be thinking is an effort in futility.

it's interesting, in one statement you say he is your everything. and yet in another, you say when you go to school, if you don't MEET SOMEONE THERE, you'll have to go elsewhere. wanting to have a meaningful relationship is a worthy goal, but it really helps if first WE are strong and solid and then meet likeminded folk who are not active IV drug users and felons.

if you want to WAIT for this guy, spend MORE years of your life on hold hoping he'll come around, no one can stop you.
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