ElizaKat

Hello all,

I joined your wonderful site a month ago when my boyfriend, a substance-addict, decided to seek help & get himself into an inpatient program. I've been checking the forums & reading threads for the past month, but never had the courage to post.

I'm reaching out today as a sober girlfriend in need of support. My boyfriend's treatment program is out of state, & he's decided to extend his therapy by another 30 days. It will be another month without him here, very minimal contact, & a lot of doubt & worry in my mind. I am unable to travel to visit him - so I have sent countless cards, letters, & care packages. I'm not sure if he has enjoyed me sending these things - every time we've spoken, he is not the sweet, caring guy he used to be, but rather it sounds like he's putting on a "tough-guy" facade. I realize he doesn't have much privacy, & that he's sober for the first time in our relationship - so maybe I'm just not used to this? I don't know.

Any of you who have gone through this - with someone you love away in rehab - is there any advice, words of wisdom, or encouragement you can offer? I just feel so alone, & I miss him terribly. None of my friends or my family know that he is in away in rehab.

On the other hand, I obviously support his decision to extend his stay - if he feels he needs it then I back that 100%! I'm afraid to tell him how much I miss him, or how sad I am, because he has expressed that stress & worry about those he loves at home is a trigger & something he can't focus on - so I just tell him I am fine. I don't want him to worry.

More or less, I just miss him, I worry that he'll forget me or will meet someone else, & I want to understand addiction & recovery & be as supportive as possible.

I'm not sure what else to say today. I'm just very sad - as much as I've focused on him & this choice to finally get help, the reality is this has been very hard on me, waiting here at home, shrouded by worry & doubt. It's been a month of me choking down my sadness & not saying anything... & I REALLY need an outlet for it now, as it's completely caught up with me & I just feel sad all the time. That's why I am finally posting today.

Any advice anyone can share will be met with appreciation!!

jadealexander

My boyfriend is also currently away in rehab. Just remember he's still a person. If he meets someone then he would have done that anyways. He's focusing on him which is good. Chances are while he was using your relationship wasn't the way he wanted it. So while he's learning things about himself he may want to distance himself from u knowing he hurt u. I would try to stay positive and don't over analyze.

zoso77

Eliza,

Welcome to the Board. I'm really, really happy that you've found us and have taken the time to post. We have members who have been where you are, and they will surely pipe in soon, but I'd like to add my two cents as well.

It's interesting that you point this out. You must be aware on some level that you don't really know who he is. All you know is what he's like under the influence; his core is a mystery and will be for some time.

Well, I understand that you miss him, but may I gently suggest that you're holding on to him way, way too tight. The best way that you can support him is to leave him alone. At this moment in time, he does not have the bandwidth to be a responsible, romantic partner to you. When he gets out of that treatment center, he's going to be in uncharted waters, trying to figure out what he needs to do in order to not pick up. There's more at stake than your relationship. And that's his life.

And what you have to learn how to do is to be whole without him. You have to get to know yourself again. Life needs to be more than Eliza and her boyfriend. It needs to be about you on your own. I know you're scared. Believe me, I know you're scared. But the tighter you hold on, the worse you'll do.

At any rate, don't take just my word for it. Others will be by with more or less the same message, and my hope is that you're open to what it is we share with you, even though it may not be what you want to hear. Take care of you.

And again, Welcome to the Board.

ElizaKat

Thank you thank you thank you for your heartfelt reply - you write some hard truths that I know I need to hear, but I have been actively denying myself.

This whole time it's been about denial, really - at first I couldn't believe that he had a problem. Lately I've been denying how his addiction affected me. I guess it's no surprise that I find myself sad & over-the-top with worry now.

Letting go & stepping back has always been difficult for me, in all areas of life... but seeing your words that "the best way to support him is to leave him alone..." for some reason resonates with me.

Should I stop sending letters/cards/etc? The last thing I sent, a care package, should arrive today. Should I just hold off after this?

zoso77

I think that may be what's best, Eliza. For both of you. That gives the two of you space, and while that may not be what you necessarily want, it's important that you remember that if he's doing what he's supposed to be doing in there, he's got a lot to figure out and decisions to make.

Sending cards/care packages/stuff might make you feel better, but it may not be what's best for him or for you.

Be safe.

biminiblue

In my opinion I think you need some support. Why have you not reached out to your friends and family regarding this situation? You cannot carry this alone. Please try to find someone to talk to about this, you need it. Al Anon would be a good, free resource. It is for Friends and Family of substance abusers/addicts/alcoholics.

I don't think it matters whether or not he gets care packages. Send him an occasional letter, I wouldn't do it every day, though.

ElizaKat

I'm curious why it may not be good for him?

...& thank you again, I REALLY appreciate your advice & the time you're taking to reply!

ElizaKat

Thank you!

You are not the first to suggest Al-Anon. I have found a couple of local meetings & I just need to take the time to go.

I know that the opinions of my family & friends would change DRASTICALLY if I shared with them what is happening... I'm afraid they would not support my choice to stand by him, & I know they would never be able to look at him the same way again. When he comes home, how he chooses to address it is something I have been planning to follow his lead on...

I'm glad you think that sending the occasional letter/care package is ok. I don't send something every day, but I've made sure he has something from me once or twice a week. He told me that some of the guys he's in rehab with have no one - no family, no loved ones, no letters arriving. I guess I just want him to feel support & love from home.

zoso77

Because he needs to learn how to become a responsible adult on his own.

Those in active addiction do what they do in part because they give themselves permission to do things they shouldn't do. All they care about in the throes of active addiction is tickling the pleasure centers in their brains. Everything else falls by the wayside. Things like watching your finances, cleaning your house, even fixing your own meals.

He's got to figure out how to take care of himself and not pick up again. And that's a hell of a lot of work.

I'm not saying that your intentions aren't the best, because you're coming from a place of love and concern. But he's got to learn how to stand on his own.

He knows you're there. So now step back, allow him to do the work he needs to do, and allow yourself to have a life outside of him.

ElizaKat

zoso77 that makes perfect sense! You're right. He does know I'm here.

I am sooooo glad I finally decided to post today. You guys are the best! This has been a lonely road, & I'm so glad I can find advice & courage from you folks on this site. And zoso77 - you seem to really have a wonderful understanding & a wealth of knowledge. I really appreciate your words.

BlueChair

Hi ElizaKat,

Last year my husband was away for 90 days in rehab. Its tough, especially if you cant visit. I think its normal to miss him, worry, and be sad he’s not there to experience everyday life with you. This is what boyfriends do right, so why wouldn’t you miss not having him there ? Don’t be too hard on yourself or begin to think theres something wrong with you for this, BUT do take this opportunity while hes away to focus on yourself, spend time doing things that make you happy, hang out with girlfriends and family.

Im sorry no one knows why he’s away. I understand because geezz theres’ a horrible stigma associated with addiction in the world still. Not everyone knew about my husbands situation, but fortunately a few of our closest friends and immediate family knew so they could offer me (and him) support. I actually found SR when I was prowling for information and looking to hear other peoples experiences. I agree its best not to express intense emotions about missing him, because he cant do anything about it right now and its added stress he doesn’t need. You are strong and right now this is your challenge. Balance out your life, find ways to fill the gaps. Want to hear a funny story? I decided to work on a craft project while he was away. I thought this will be perfect for when Im bored, cant sleep. I decided to make a capiz shell chandelier shade. OMG imagine a lonely wife late at night trying to drill little holes in paper thin shells, because she ordered the wrong ones !! Only did that one night then I ordered pre-drilled shells.

You already stated you know your boyfriend is doing whats best for his health by going into treatment so Im not going to elaborate on this point. Only to say, unless he had major issues hes not going to come out of there changed to his core, a completely different person. He was never his addiction. It was something that happened to him, he lost control because of the way his brain works on drugs.

For my husband rehab was many different things. Mostly it allowed him to be in a safe place where he could face what happened, look at why it happened, learn about himself and how to control the addiction, triggers and all these things. He went through various moods, different attitudes and such. It was best if I didn’t take any of it and make it too intense because it was all part of the process. It will probably be like that when he comes home for a while too. You don’t have to step out of the way and avoid this experience just learn to let it wash over you, go with the flow, don’t get bogged down in the emotions.

I have to also say I think its considerate to write cards and send care packages to him. Obviously the rehab allows this. Do you enjoy doing it ? Did he say it bothers him? I took things to my husband all the time, we talked about day to day stuff, and it gave him a link to home. He will be returning home not to Antarctica !! Unless you live there, if so my apologies HA ! If you have concerns the best to person to ask is HIM.

Im going to recommend a book to you. I wish I had read it a lot earlier in the process because it has helped me understand a lot of things about myself, my outlook on life, and healthy ways to support my husbands recovery. It’s a guide for families: Beyond Addiction, How Science and Kindness Help People Change by Jeff Foote phD, Carrie Wilkens, phD

jadealexander

Oh and one more thing. I actually do agree that you should stop sending him anything. I always was making sure my boyfriend was okay with whatever he needed..so he almost felt okay with having a negative behavior towards me. Almost as if he knew I'd stick by him. The day I stopped is the day all the negative attitudes went away. Addict or not no one should treat u a way u don't deserve. The fact he hasn't mentioned what u have sent him and that he isn't sounding caring makes me think u should definitely step back.

torquemax777

Have you ever seen one of those movies or shows where a character goes blind or is physically injured; at first everyone coddles the person, and waits on them hand and foot. After awhile the doctor or wise ol' grandpa/ma tells everyone to stop doing everything for that person or they won't get better. Usually in the show, the person snaps out of it and gets out of their funk and pills themselves up by their bootstraps; but only after everyone stopped enabling them. Life doesn't always turn out that way with an alcoholic; however, even if they don't quit drinking when you quit enabling, if you kept enabling, they definitely won't quit either. And you will be out a lot of blood sweat and tears! I've been a CNA for 20 years, but when I was new at it, I thought it was just plain nasty how the docs would force patients out of bed 2 hours after surgery, until a nurse explained that that was the reason people use to die when they broke a hip; they got pneumonia from being told to lay flat and let everyone wait on them hand and foot. We used to literally kill people with kindness.

ElizaKat

Thank you so much for sharing your story, BlueChair! I have looked up the book you mentioned, & I will order a copy off Amazon.

Filling my time has definitely been one of the only things keeping me sane. I am currently in the examination process for the Chicago Fire Dept, & I've been working out like crazy to meet the physical testing requirements. Every day I go running or meet with my personal trainer, which has been great for me - not only in body but also in mind. Exercise really is a stress-reliever!

Putting together the couple of care packages I have also was fun for me & made me feel good to do. I did ask him if he liked the package I sent, he said he did & it made some of the other guys jealous. The second one I sent (that should arrive today!) is an "Autumn themed" care package.. he said he was sad to be missing the month of October up here in Chicago (it's really beautiful this time of year...) so I put together a box filled with fall-type treats, a pumpkin scented candle, hot chocolate mix, & some fun little Halloween things I found at the dollar store. I'm pretty sure he'll like the stuff... it's just that he hasn't been his usual enthusiastic & affectionate self. He's enthusiastic about his recovery right now, which is great! I just miss his sweet & affectionate attitude... I guess I was hoping for a phone call with, "Oh I got the package & it is GREAT, honeybuns!" I think he holds it back when he calls me because he has seriously ZERO privacy there, & he really is a man's man, a dude-bro type of guy... he was only affectionate with me in private settings anyway.

Over the past couple days the sadness really hit me, & I gotta be honest & write that this outpouring of support & advice from complete strangers is so uplifting. It's reminding me to keep positive for myself!

Thank you again, BlueChair!

AnvilheadII

while i understand some of your motivation behind sending the care packages, i think YOU need to remember....he's not a CAMP. he's in rehab for a damn good reason...to try and get his LIFE turned around before his addiction kills him. cuz it will, if given the chance.

he doesn't need cocoa right now. as you said, you put these packages together to make YOU feel better and then you got to future trip about what his face would look like when he opened it, how thrilled he'd be AND what he'd say to you when he next called.

once upon a time when folks when into rehab, they didn't have contact with the outside world AT ALL for the first two weeks. they didn't have cell phones or laptops, they couldn't call their girlfiends every other day, or skype with their grandmothers. you went in ALONE and you dealt with your stuff and then you got out. without a ton of distractions.

this is serious business. this is his BEST chance RIGHT NOW to get sober and make it stick. and....his being there isn't about you. he can't fix you anymore than you can fix him. now is YOUR chance to learn to be self sufficient, self reliant and able to handle whatever comes down the pike...including a potentially sober for the first time bf, or a temporarily sober then relapsing by, or even a "i need space" bf. think of it as cross-training...get fit mentally, spiritually and emotionally!

ElizaKat

Tough love, but I need to hear it, AnvilheadII. You're right - it's not camp. It's very serious. An OD as he slept in bed next to me is one of rock-bottom events leading up to his choice to go to rehab...

I really just want to be supportive. If that means sending him stuff or not, getting the occasional phone call (he's only called me 4 times in the last month - certainly not every other day...) We've had very minimal contact as I mentioned in my initial post... I'm lucky to even be on the short list of approved phone numbers he can call. I can't call in.

I guess what I'm really asking for here is ways to support myself first & foremost so I'm not sad, also support him, & gain a better understanding about addiction.

I've just been heartbroken about this, & after a month with him gone & another unanticipated month to go, I'm finally trying to take a step for me. Because feeling so sad, worried, & alone is pretty awful.

BlueChair

Oh man you make me laugh, probably he wont be brave enough to call you honeybuns in front of the other people there, but I understand, I do. Your boyfriend isnt in camp, but hes not in solitary confinement in prison either. If the rehab allows him to call you, then its fine. If they allow you to send care packages then its fine. As long as you enjoy doing it, he enjoys receiving it, its fine.

rehabs all have their own rules, some are very harsh and strict, others are very open, relaxed, casual because they know people are voluntarily coming there to receive treatment because they want to get better, live healthier lives. They dont punish people or try to make the experience bad for them. If you want to look at different rehabs go to the main button on the top of SR site, should say "find help" and it will show you listings of rehabs and you can see their webistes. Some let people bring their pets, have private rooms, internet access, lots of social activities. There are others not so plushy, and people will sleep in bunkhouses. But wherever your BF is at, their rules are all that matter right now.

Working on exams for the Fire Department is amazing. Has to be a lot of hard work involved in this, so Im impressed. I like to use the gym equipment and run, but its mostly so I can continue to eat sweets. But this is exactly the things I would say to focus on and it will keep you grounded.
I hope you do well when your ready to take the examinations. Its a big city so there must be a lot of competition in the field of work.

Have you ever done journaling or blogging? Ive been doing this the past year and its very cleansing, and for me I feel its a safe way to express my feelings and organize my thoughts.

chicory

Welcome Elizakat!

I am glad you finally posted. We may have different ideas about things, but your original request was how to manage your loneliness, and how to understand addiction. So my comment will be about that. I think that you seem to have a wonderful outlook on life and you have some big plans and goals.. that is fantastic. It must help a lot to spend time doing that.

If you can find some good reading material, on addiction, and recovery, it would probably be very helpful for you. Would help you to understand what he is going through, what to expect when he comes home, and how to take care of yourself during the stressful time that it probably will be when he comes home.

I wish you the best. we have a lot of good information, articles, and stories about alcoholism here in the stickies.

keep posting- someone is always around, and we do care!

heartcore

Elizakat - I'm a recovering addict/alcoholic, & feel compelled to say that it would mean a great deal to me to get a fall-themed care package in rehab!

It would make me feel loved & cared for. I would minimize it's importance "in front of the guys," but would be secretly delighted that my lovely lady took the time to create such a gift.

I know that rehab & recovery are serious work, but their point is not punishment or penance!!

The point of recovery is to learn to live a joyous life clean & sober - and that includes feeling loved & cared about.

I believe that sending a loved one cards or care packages in rehab is not codependency, but a meaningful gesture of support & love.

You are missing your partner. That is normal! It is not stopping you from preparing for your career, running, working out with a trainer. You are not leaving you behind!

Yes. Some Alanon or therapeutic work would be great for you right now, but there is no need to freeze out your addict when they are actively seeking recovery & treatment!

You will know more when he returns, regarding the future of the relationship. Just keep working on yourself, and do whatever gestures of connection feel whole & authentic to you! Some addicts do get clean. Some couples stay together after treatment. Some don't. No one (not us, not you, & not him) knows what happens next.

ElizaKat

BlueChair, chicory, & heartcore - THANK YOU!!

BlueChair - I definitely have kept journals & blogs in the past, but it's not something I've done much of in recent years. I always find myself writing through a filter, as if someone is going to be grading it for a class! I'm lucky to have found this forum to have real people to share ideas with. Maybe I can try writing again... it was something I really enjoyed when I was younger (I'm 30 years old now...) & maybe if I give it a go, I can find enjoyment & relief in it again.

chicory - I'm definitely looking for good reading material. I spent some time on the Alanon website last night checking out their literature.

...& heartcore - Your response means the world to me. I realize I am reacting normally to missing my fella - it's just an extraordinary situation & I had really shut myself out from getting any support of my own for the past month. Now that I'm facing yet another 30 days, I'm so glad you think that staying authentic to myself is the best way to go. At the end of the day, no matter what happens or what the future holds, I need to feel like I made the best choices for myself. Shutting him out would not be something I would feel ok about doing. Knowing my fella, I'm sure he's feeling the same way you write... I just need to try & keep that in mind. I've just let a lot of doubt & worry creep in - another reason I'm glad I found this site. I've definitely kept my head above water & my priorities in check - just with the extra added sadness of dealing with this experience & facing the unknown.