Yogagurl

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm tying up the thread feed with my drama, but I haven't had the time to go to actual meeting (Narc-anon, Al-Anon) and this forum is the only bit of support I have while I am leaving and letting go of my AH.

He was out of town working all weekend while I moved all of my things out of the house and I didn't communicate what I was doing to him. It was more of a courtesy thing, like, don't break up with your husband over the phone while he's five hours away at work. Now that I am out, I'm wanting to buffer the shock so he doesn't walk into a home that has been stripped of all of my things. I want to tell him soon enough that he can get his ducks in row; technically, he can renew the lease if he wants, he'll just have to put the utilities in his name and sign with the landlord (she knows I'm gone but has agreed not to contact him till I do).

Any words of wisdom about how to break the news? Things I can say that may diffuse the situation?

biminiblue

Not much you can do to diffuse it. If it were me, I wouldn't say anything. It's just going to be a big drama/mess. He'll figure it out, right?

But I'm all about taking care of me. If I've gotten to the point of leaving someone, I really don't want to talk to them, period.

When I decided I wanted out of my marriage, I didn't talk to him again for a year or so, I think. We didn't even talk about the divorce. Just got an attorney. I was done.

hopeful4

I would leave a note. I am a wimp in that way LOL. Then I would turn my phone off for the next day or two and give him time to absorb.

Just my .02

XXX

Fandy

Didn't he recently run off with the rent $$ and spend it on crack? He was awfully inconsiderate of your feelings too.

considering all of the financial upheaval drama he placed on YOU as a result of HIS CHOICES, putting his addiction first, i think you are being more than fair.

one way or another, you know where he is headed. the lease renewal is not hiss priority, nor are your possessions.

I'm glad you are safe, DO NOT give him your new address.

Hawks

You could leave this on repeat playing on the stereo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dkSMe53pko0

Yogagurl

@Fandy - yes, he did run away with the rent and spent it on dope. I just have this conviction for treating people kindly and it ruins my ability to be hard about some things. The amount of pain he's inflicted in my life is miserable, yet, I'm still trying to be a good guy. I feel like such a loser right now, like, I can't muster up the back bone to just leave him high and dry. A note would really be the way to go. I found a note I had started a while back when I was venting my feelings and it really describes they way he verbally abuses me. I can just print it out and add a couple of things....

And then turn my phone off and/or change my number.? Yes, so note and change my number? I'm sorry to the people reading this thread who may think I'm pathetic at this point but I need this encouragement to get me through this or I feel I'm going to break.

No way he's getting my address. I'm safe right now.

hopeful4

Don't feel bad. You are strong and doing what you need to do for YOU, that's a healthy thing. Yes, note and change number. Give yourself some time to breathe.

Hugs.

Fandy

You are NOT pathetic...you've been emotionally abused. he has taken you for a big longride to nowhere.

I'm sure you didn't plan your life to be married to this, upset and supporting him financially with your hard earned $$.

leave the note, keep a copy for yourself to read over again and yes, go to your cell phone carrier and give them notice that you need your number changed for your personal safety, they can do it immediately. then only give the number to a few trusted people for now.

yes, change the number, try to put some distance between you and him for a couple of weeks so you can gain back both your self esteem and composure.

believe me, YOU HAVE BEEN MORE THAN THE GOOD GUY...he is just lying to anyone who will listent and sucking the life right out of you. this upside down way of living has you so twisted up, you can't see what he has done to you.

all he cares about are his drugs and being high. you know this.
hugs.

Hawks

it is not weak or pathetic to be compassionate , quite the opposite.

If it weren't for compassionate people, who would look after the elderly, the sick, the poor, the injured, the starving.

Of course, the difference is, you can only help those who want to be helped.

In the mean time, use your marvellous compassion elsewhere. Remembering always to leave some for yourself.

zoso77

Yes. You say nothing. And the reason why you say nothing is because no matter how carefully you choose your words, no matter how sensitive you are, it will blow up in your face.

You say nothing. You protect yourself.

When he goes postal and gets nasty, ignore it.

atalose

I think you wanting to be the “good guy” falls into that people pleasing mode we have that constantly causes us disappointment and pain. We expect others to act in ways that we ourselves would act and well – they just don’t and especially active addicts.

I think you and all of your belongings gone are self-explanatory and I also agree you don’t need to say anything further.

If you have such a desire to write him a letter and forget that an active addict won’t care what words you write down on a piece of paper – but it’s more for YOU than him anyways then write away, get it all out of your system but you might as well just burn it when you finish writing it because leaving it for him is a waste of your heart, mind and time.