I have been enabling my son too long.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Illinois
Posts: 57
I have been enabling my son too long.
I haven't been here for awhile. My son has overdosed on heroin 4 times. He is in rehab for the 4th time. He did sign himself in, but that's because he has a place to stay. In May of this year, I thought he was doing well, he had a job, was living in a halfway house, and was clear eyed. What did I do? I leased him a car to drive!!! Even after he totaled 2 of our cars a few years ago. I was taking the easy way out, and I thought he would feel good about having transportation. I just found out that he overdosed on Aug 24th and Sept 6th of this year. I was dumbfounded, I thought he was clean of heroin. I have been giving him money, and a place to live. I have taken the car, and will not give him any money. I just know I am going to lose him. He lies, and is in such denial it's apparent to me that he is mentally ill. He is on probation, and said he would "kill himself' if he goes to jail. He cannot live here, and I can't take this. I am reading books about co-dependency, and have yet to go to al a non. I just sit at home waiting for life to pass me by. I feel like I have given in too much. I am sad, I wish I could help him, but I know I cannot. He will be 22 in January. he has not held down a job, and lies to everyone. I feel like I am waiting for him to die. I do not leave my house, and do not have a job. I am so stuck. This is the hardest, as I read the other posts from parents' who have lost their young adult children.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
(((enabler))) I am sorry for this painful situation. Its good he is in rehab... you should rest while you can without worrying of where he is or if he is doing drugs.
please, consider nar-anon, for yourself. I hear that its wonderful , and I would think some face to face friends who understand would give you a lot of comfort and help.
Its all up to him. If you give him money, he is probably going to use it for drugs... you know this now. I understand you wanting to help him, give him a nice car, etc... but he needs to learn what he really needs...
many people on drugs are mentally sick... it can bring on mental illness states, and when they get clean, they often get 'sane'.
He must know by now what he needs to do. Maybe not making it easy for him will encourage him to do something differently. He surely needs help, no doubt. Has he ever spoken with a therapist?
I know that others here can offer more advice and experience, and they will be along. I am sorry- try reading the stickies at the top of the page. there is a lot of good stuff there, which may encourage you.
take care of yourself...you only get this one life. and you have a right to live it.
please, consider nar-anon, for yourself. I hear that its wonderful , and I would think some face to face friends who understand would give you a lot of comfort and help.
Its all up to him. If you give him money, he is probably going to use it for drugs... you know this now. I understand you wanting to help him, give him a nice car, etc... but he needs to learn what he really needs...
many people on drugs are mentally sick... it can bring on mental illness states, and when they get clean, they often get 'sane'.
He must know by now what he needs to do. Maybe not making it easy for him will encourage him to do something differently. He surely needs help, no doubt. Has he ever spoken with a therapist?
I know that others here can offer more advice and experience, and they will be along. I am sorry- try reading the stickies at the top of the page. there is a lot of good stuff there, which may encourage you.
take care of yourself...you only get this one life. and you have a right to live it.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I went through all of that with my adult son, including the isolation (which is a red flag that it's time to save ourselves), and I know your pain.
Sadly, it's their journey and we cannot control what they do. I too tried to make my son's life a very pleasant, safe, happy, secure place and the drugs won every time. We cannot "buy" their recovery, they need to do that themselves.
What saved my bacon was going to meetings and learning to work a program that literally saved my life. Life support and support here saw me through many dark nights.
Please don't allow yourself to stay "stuck" in the darkness. Make a list of things that you can do to distract yourself from the obsessive fear of what may happen to your son (we don't get to control their future) and make yourself do at least one little thing for yourself to break the pattern you are in. Take a walk, at first by yourself, then maybe stop at a shop and talk to someone for 5 minutes, or go to a meeting and just listen if you don't want to share and know you can leave if you become uncomfortable and nobody will judge you.
Doing healthy things for ourselves helps restore our balance and helps us make better decisions in the future.
Hugs
Sadly, it's their journey and we cannot control what they do. I too tried to make my son's life a very pleasant, safe, happy, secure place and the drugs won every time. We cannot "buy" their recovery, they need to do that themselves.
What saved my bacon was going to meetings and learning to work a program that literally saved my life. Life support and support here saw me through many dark nights.
Please don't allow yourself to stay "stuck" in the darkness. Make a list of things that you can do to distract yourself from the obsessive fear of what may happen to your son (we don't get to control their future) and make yourself do at least one little thing for yourself to break the pattern you are in. Take a walk, at first by yourself, then maybe stop at a shop and talk to someone for 5 minutes, or go to a meeting and just listen if you don't want to share and know you can leave if you become uncomfortable and nobody will judge you.
Doing healthy things for ourselves helps restore our balance and helps us make better decisions in the future.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I am sorry for your pain. My 21-year-old daughter is a heroin addict in early recovery.
The best remedy right now: get yourself to a NarAnon or AlAnon meeting as soon as you possibly can! And don't isolate yourself from others. So many parents have addict children, and so many feel just as you do. Go find those who can give you the face-to-face support that we all need to in order to learn to deal in a healthy way with addiction. They are there for you, kind and loving and ready to listen. Books are great, but it is too easy to isolate and obsess over the problem and not release your anxiety. Meetings help that. And none of this is your fault, either.
The best remedy right now: get yourself to a NarAnon or AlAnon meeting as soon as you possibly can! And don't isolate yourself from others. So many parents have addict children, and so many feel just as you do. Go find those who can give you the face-to-face support that we all need to in order to learn to deal in a healthy way with addiction. They are there for you, kind and loving and ready to listen. Books are great, but it is too easy to isolate and obsess over the problem and not release your anxiety. Meetings help that. And none of this is your fault, either.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 102
Enabler1,
Keep your head up. We've all been where you are now. I have a 23yo AS with the same DOC. It is difficult to accept as a parent that you could potentially lose your child to addiction. My son did go to prison for a year; he was only 20 years old and spent his 21st birthday there. I thought I would die. But he survived and was healthy and away from drugs. It was when he came out that he started back up, not right away but about 8 months later. And I saw the signs and panicked. I did run every time he had a crisis for a while. He did used to tell me I rather kill myself than go back to jail. Finally, I had it with that. I told him that if he ever told me or someone else in the family that he was going to kill himself that he left me with no choice but to call 911 to get emergency help. Needless to say, he has not done that since then about a year ago. It's been rough, I still worry but I don't run every time. I tell him that if I believe he's in danger, that I will call the the police and let the chips fall where they may. It's been quieter; that doesn't mean he stopped using, but I do carry on with the things I have to do in life. I work, I go places with my husband, I spend time with my other children, etc. My AS is alway on my mind, but I know I can't change him. He has to do that for himself. I know that if something happens to him, it is not my fault. I love him with all my heart and I don't want a life without him, but it is not under my control. My son and I talk and discuss the future and how it would be with and without him. We also talk about how life would be without drugs. Now he just needs to put all his effort into recovery. I never lose hope even if everybody else does.
Keep your head up. We've all been where you are now. I have a 23yo AS with the same DOC. It is difficult to accept as a parent that you could potentially lose your child to addiction. My son did go to prison for a year; he was only 20 years old and spent his 21st birthday there. I thought I would die. But he survived and was healthy and away from drugs. It was when he came out that he started back up, not right away but about 8 months later. And I saw the signs and panicked. I did run every time he had a crisis for a while. He did used to tell me I rather kill myself than go back to jail. Finally, I had it with that. I told him that if he ever told me or someone else in the family that he was going to kill himself that he left me with no choice but to call 911 to get emergency help. Needless to say, he has not done that since then about a year ago. It's been rough, I still worry but I don't run every time. I tell him that if I believe he's in danger, that I will call the the police and let the chips fall where they may. It's been quieter; that doesn't mean he stopped using, but I do carry on with the things I have to do in life. I work, I go places with my husband, I spend time with my other children, etc. My AS is alway on my mind, but I know I can't change him. He has to do that for himself. I know that if something happens to him, it is not my fault. I love him with all my heart and I don't want a life without him, but it is not under my control. My son and I talk and discuss the future and how it would be with and without him. We also talk about how life would be without drugs. Now he just needs to put all his effort into recovery. I never lose hope even if everybody else does.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I feel like I am waiting for him to die.
Yes, you've enabled him. Yes, you've been part of the problem. But I understand that the intentions behind your decisions were the very best. He's your son, and what parent doesn't want to do best by their children.
The problem is addicts are unable to absorb the love and support we give them because they are 100% consumed with drugs. Opiates are an especially difficult thing to kick.
You have done all you can. It's now time to start taking care of you and allow whatever is going to happen to your son to happen. Pay close attention to the words of Ann. If there's anyone who's been through the fire and have come out of it, it's her.
Keep us posted as to how you're doing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Illinois
Posts: 57
Thank you! I needed to hear that. I like it when people just tell it like it is. Now, going forward I am going to try to live my life. I haven't heard from him. He thinks I betrayed him. I just found naloxone injections in his belongings, and I am trying to think clearly and objectively. It is difficult to separate my heart and my mind.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Illinois
Posts: 57
Thank you Ann. My 1st name is Ann, as well. I have not heard from son, but probably will when he runs out of cigs, and needs a ride after his residential is over. I will make a list of things to do for this week. I just found out I was rejected a job offer. I counted on that to get my mind off of this. I am 59, and sure it is age related. My husband is very supportive. He is the step-dad. My sons' father has not acknowledged his issues, and my son has been legally evicted from their house. I know I have to do something every day to start being healthy.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Staying busy is a good thing, so don't give up on the job market. I'm older than you and I work tax season for an accountant friend and I freelance off and on the rest of the time. Age just means "maturity. good experience, good work ethics" and we are dependable and loyal.
If I could give one suggestion to the other mamas here, it would be "don't lose your life trying to save theirs". Theirs is not ours to save, it's up to them. So live life as it was meant to be lived, with joy and peace and a sense of adventure.
Good luck on the job search.
Hugs
If I could give one suggestion to the other mamas here, it would be "don't lose your life trying to save theirs". Theirs is not ours to save, it's up to them. So live life as it was meant to be lived, with joy and peace and a sense of adventure.
Good luck on the job search.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
I, too, as a mother of an AS, addicted to heroin, understand what you're going through. Since my AS has been back in my life for the last 51/2 years, my life has been hell and I have cut off my own development and pleasure in life. Always a crisis-a panic attack- another arrest- breakdown and drama- to the point that it got me evicted. ( saved the legality and record of eviction by offering to move in 30 days and did. Now he's homeless- paid thousands at first for hotel for him and he only used drugs, then lost his job, and continued to decline.
He is now in the first few days of rehab. First time he entered on his own, quite possibly since he's homeless and hoping to please me, thinking I'll let him back to live. I can only pray he decides to stay and get help, but know I can't control that.
I'm exhausted and this is the first weekend I can finally rest. I have to restrain myself from calling him or managing his other business he has to attend to ( replace ID, etc). I've virtually been a wreck, with no real life or fun, even neglecting my younger son who is not an addict.
I know how important it is to take care of me at this time. I have found some support groups and they are extremely helpful. I've been obsessed with his addiction and living in constant fear of him overdosing and losing him to drugs, but I'm cutting off my own life in the process.
We cannot live their lives for them, no matter how hard we try. As mothers, we have all been there to help, support, enable, fix things went all went wrong, and more only to find the same thing happening again and again. At some point we must Let Go and Let God. I am praying daily to do that and to Let Go and Let Grow.
I do deeply undertstand what you are going through and pray you will learn to take care of yourself and give the care of him, and you, over to God. My prayers go out for you and for your son.
He is now in the first few days of rehab. First time he entered on his own, quite possibly since he's homeless and hoping to please me, thinking I'll let him back to live. I can only pray he decides to stay and get help, but know I can't control that.
I'm exhausted and this is the first weekend I can finally rest. I have to restrain myself from calling him or managing his other business he has to attend to ( replace ID, etc). I've virtually been a wreck, with no real life or fun, even neglecting my younger son who is not an addict.
I know how important it is to take care of me at this time. I have found some support groups and they are extremely helpful. I've been obsessed with his addiction and living in constant fear of him overdosing and losing him to drugs, but I'm cutting off my own life in the process.
We cannot live their lives for them, no matter how hard we try. As mothers, we have all been there to help, support, enable, fix things went all went wrong, and more only to find the same thing happening again and again. At some point we must Let Go and Let God. I am praying daily to do that and to Let Go and Let Grow.
I do deeply undertstand what you are going through and pray you will learn to take care of yourself and give the care of him, and you, over to God. My prayers go out for you and for your son.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Red Bank
Posts: 78
I too have been there. WE had given my AS two cars. He was living with friends at the time. First one - he never changed the oil and it died. second one - he kept lending it to friends who wouldn't pay tolls, got tickets, etc and was finally repossessed. Its just one thing after another. He also went to jail for 6 weeks. Then he came to live with us. He has a job but my husband has to take him and pick him up every day. We can't afford rehab so he is now on methodone which costs him $75 a week. So far things are calm but I also am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
My thoughts and prayers for all the parents on this site.
My thoughts and prayers for all the parents on this site.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Enabler1,
Another momma here with not one but two children that fell into the addiction disease. And their DOC was heroin too. Actually, anything they could get their hands on.
The pain we feel while trying to fix our children, the isolation and guilt and that blame, oh and that "what iffing" almost killed me.
I stayed in my house for a long time, i felt ashamed, never leaving except to take my younger son to school or to get him food, go to church or attend an emergency.
I cried and missed my girls. I missed their voices... I was addicted to my daughters addictions. They were 19 and 22 at the time. Nope, I couldn't fix this, not this wound, not ever. But, I could fix me.
I gently stepped away, detached with love from my daughters. And started taking care of me, one minute at a time.
I started attending meetings, I talked to my Dr, i talked to SR, and I stopped chasing around after the girls. I read every stickie (top of each Forum)
I learned that addicts are very resourceful, if I didn't give them money, shelter or food...they found someone else and they did.
My broken heart hurt so bad...but it will get better, I promise! And you know what? My daughters are in recovery now, they did it when THEY were ready and when THEY were sick of being sick. I'm not a crying constantly mom, I accept that a relapse can happen...hope not but only they will know.
Stick around us mommas and dads. We are here for you! It's a safe place, no judgement or debates or bullying here, Dee and the Mods and leaders are always listening and caring about us and OUR recovery!
Please do something for you, a walk, bubble bath, call a friend and talk about anything but your beloved son. Can you try that? Have hope, cling to that hope.
I will pray for you and for your son and for a little peace in your life.
Gentle HUGS
TF
Another momma here with not one but two children that fell into the addiction disease. And their DOC was heroin too. Actually, anything they could get their hands on.
The pain we feel while trying to fix our children, the isolation and guilt and that blame, oh and that "what iffing" almost killed me.
I stayed in my house for a long time, i felt ashamed, never leaving except to take my younger son to school or to get him food, go to church or attend an emergency.
I cried and missed my girls. I missed their voices... I was addicted to my daughters addictions. They were 19 and 22 at the time. Nope, I couldn't fix this, not this wound, not ever. But, I could fix me.
I gently stepped away, detached with love from my daughters. And started taking care of me, one minute at a time.
I started attending meetings, I talked to my Dr, i talked to SR, and I stopped chasing around after the girls. I read every stickie (top of each Forum)
I learned that addicts are very resourceful, if I didn't give them money, shelter or food...they found someone else and they did.
My broken heart hurt so bad...but it will get better, I promise! And you know what? My daughters are in recovery now, they did it when THEY were ready and when THEY were sick of being sick. I'm not a crying constantly mom, I accept that a relapse can happen...hope not but only they will know.
Stick around us mommas and dads. We are here for you! It's a safe place, no judgement or debates or bullying here, Dee and the Mods and leaders are always listening and caring about us and OUR recovery!
Please do something for you, a walk, bubble bath, call a friend and talk about anything but your beloved son. Can you try that? Have hope, cling to that hope.
I will pray for you and for your son and for a little peace in your life.
Gentle HUGS
TF
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Illinois
Posts: 57
Thanks. I also have 2 Adult Sons, one now 25, and my 21 y.o. is the heroin addict. My 25 y.o. lives w/us is working and saving his money. He is responsible, but he needs to go too!! He does pay rent though. I went thru hell w/him too, he has a felony from age 17 and have also gone thru countless rehabs, he is a great guy, and has the program down. I am going to try to get out this week and go to meetings. Make appointments, go for walks. Gosh, my head has been in the sand for so long. It is so hard to have 2 children go thru this. I know when rehab is over for him, I will get a call. Don't know what to do then. Thanks for replying. It seems more and more families are dealing w/addiction.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Enabler,
Well, your youngest son is in rehab now, so you have a little time to breathe and not worry about him constantly. He is safe, not homeless has food and is learning the tools he will need when he is discharged. Precious tools.
IF you allow him to return to your home, set up those boundaries and make it clear to him, BEFORE he gets back home, what the consequences will be IF he violates them. I didn't offer second and third chances once I understood more about addiction.
He's young and you love him. I guess it will be up to you what YOU, not HIM, what to do.
Ann is so wise when she said "not to lose our lives trying to save theirs". Doesn't that make sooo much sense? Live your life as it was meant to be, with joy and peace and full of adventure! (Sorry Ann I can't figure out how to put quotes in!)
Take care and get some rest!
TF
Well, your youngest son is in rehab now, so you have a little time to breathe and not worry about him constantly. He is safe, not homeless has food and is learning the tools he will need when he is discharged. Precious tools.
IF you allow him to return to your home, set up those boundaries and make it clear to him, BEFORE he gets back home, what the consequences will be IF he violates them. I didn't offer second and third chances once I understood more about addiction.
He's young and you love him. I guess it will be up to you what YOU, not HIM, what to do.
Ann is so wise when she said "not to lose our lives trying to save theirs". Doesn't that make sooo much sense? Live your life as it was meant to be, with joy and peace and full of adventure! (Sorry Ann I can't figure out how to put quotes in!)
Take care and get some rest!
TF
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Illinois
Posts: 57
My son cannot come back home. I have let him come home several times, and I feel like I am babysitting. It will be more of the same. I hope he chooses a halfway house. I wish he could figure out how to live, he has no structure. He is such in denial. That is a good quote: "not to lose our lives trying to save theirs." My name is Ann too, I thought you somehow new my name!!!
thanks.
thanks.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Hugs to you Enabler...I have two young adult children in early recovery.
I understand not wanting them to live with you. It's time they learned to stand on their own two feet. Allow your son, in rehab, to go through the program and make HIS own plans and arrangements. You will need to make it clear to him and/or his case manager that you are NOT an option.
I understand not wanting them to live with you. It's time they learned to stand on their own two feet. Allow your son, in rehab, to go through the program and make HIS own plans and arrangements. You will need to make it clear to him and/or his case manager that you are NOT an option.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Speaking as an alcoholic and drug addict, the best thing that ever happened for me was not having anyone bail me out of jail the last time I was arrested.
I feel your pain, I've a son that's not done anything but get drunk and tossed in jail since he came back from Afghanistan
I feel your pain, I've a son that's not done anything but get drunk and tossed in jail since he came back from Afghanistan
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