Lonelily

Hi, everyone. This is my first post here.

I have been browsing some of the threads looking for advice on this, but haven't come across it... I apologize if I missed it.

Firstly, my SO is not officially my SO, it's just the easiest term to use. We were definitely together, not seeing anyone else, but never really had "the talk" before he left for rehab. It's all very unofficial and confusing, which I'm sure is hard on him, with his insecurities and doubts that he constantly deals with, too. Looking back, I'm regretting not making things more official before he left.

I look forward to his phone calls every day, but the 10 minutes seem to fly by before either of us can say anything substantial. I make sure I tell him I miss him and that I'm proud of him, I ask him how his assignments are going, how his day went, and how certain things he brings up made him feel... are these appropriate things for me to be asking and saying? I tell him about my day, too... I try to remember funny things that he would have appreciated and tell him about those moments to make him laugh.

What are some of the most supportive things I can ask or say in the mere 10 minutes a day we have to talk? Do you think telling him about the funny/happy things going on here make him more homesick, or brighten his day a bit like I hope it does?

And lastly, though I believe I know the answer to this already, would it be completely inappropriate for me to mention to him that I don't want to see anyone else, and make it more "official"? On one hand, I think I should leave that one alone, and let things just happen the way they happen, but on the other hand, I think he would be happy to hear it, and it would relieve some of the doubt he probably has about our relationship. I read on some other threads that they recommend not beginning a new relationship within 1 year of recovery, but would this really count as new? We were together for probably 7 months before he left, with one "break" of about a month in the middle, due to his drug use.

I really want to be as supportive as possible for him. I want him to know I'm here for him, and that I will support him through it when he gets home.

Any input would be appreciated.
Thanks!

allforcnm

Hi Lonelily,

I think your SO is very lucky to have you in his life because you sound very caring and kind.. When my husband was in rehab he fortunately had more than 10 minutes a day... but in general I think the things you are talking about are just fine. There really are no rules as far as I know mostly its about your relationship and what makes the two of you comfortable. For example if he starts to get uncomfortable talking about a certain subject, or recapping his day... don't be afraid to just be up front about it with him, and let him explain his feelings. There were times when my husband didn't want to talk about what he was going through almost like he needed a break and enjoyed hearing about our son, or some funny thing that happened to me. So just try to go with the flow... I cant really answer the part about confirming your relationship status because that's too personal, but again I would base it on how your conversations go, what state of mind he's in & your own feelings. The one year SUGGESTION is just a generic thing as far as I know... there are no rules except Ive heard in general whenever anyone faces a major trauma in their life.. give it time before making changes so your mind can clear. If the two of you have been together already then you already have a basis, a foundation. So I don't think it applies. But think about someone who is maybe doing rehab, a little emotionally unstable and takes up with someone they barely know too quickly.. odds are it wont work out and it could lead to emotional damage for both people. I hope things go well for both of you..

Mountainmanbob

I see nothing wrong with that
but, we must remember
it takes two to agree to this for it to have any meaning

might be best worked on after his release ??

matters of the heart (usually) carry more weight eye to eye

MM

Ann

I think that is wise, just let life unfold as it may. He's in rehab and needs to focus on his recovery and you could maybe use this time to find your own balance. You have been together 7 months, why do you feel a need to make it "official"? Long term commitments right now might not be the best decision for either of you.

I am glad you found us and hope you find peace with just letting this all unfold over time.

Hugs

chicory

Hi lonelily. Glad your SO is getting help.
I guess my thoughts on it would be... There is some reason that you and he did not make it official yet. Give it good thought, and try not to do it just to cheer him, but because you really feel it the right thing to do.

just think on it and I am sure you will do what is right for you. Glad you joined us here at SR.. its a fine place!

Txhelp

I agree that maybe the "relationship" talk should be left for later.

Often, we may get insecure in the relationship because things are changing. Work on yourself, read about addiction and relationships. The healthier you are the better decisions you make.