mejo

i moved back into my house the beginning of August. There was 18 beautiful days of sobriety. I started to feel happy again. I was in love again. He was my husband again. We had a deal that if I felt at any time I could have him do a ua.

So, Wednesday night my gut started talking. Thursday morning I handed him the ua. This is when everything changed. He told me he was dirty and he loved me and walked out the door. Did not talk to me the rest of the day. Did not come home until midnight that night. I was in disbelief that we could share the best 3 weeks we have had in a very long time and it go.down in flames just like that. When he finally came home we fought all night. He wants to be able to get high once a month and I should be okay with that because we can have a great marriage of I would stop telling him what he can and can't do. I told him no way. Nope. Not gonna happen and if that's what he wants, to move out. I cant do it. He did not leave. I asked him why he was not leaving and he said to read between the lines. He also told me his drug dealer us his friend and he was gonna keep talking to him. This also was a boundary when I moved home.

He has changed everything at the blink of an eye. I am crying all the time. I am sad again. He said he will commit to me anything around drugs because he does not want to hurt me anymore. I don't understand what happened. We promised my son we would take him camping this weekend and we did. I cried all day. I cannot do this because this is his out. I cannot move forward like this. He is choosing drugs and his friend over us. I fought for nine years about alcohol and I will not fight another minute about drugs. I think he is.going to move out when we get home because I need commitment to sobriety. He will not.do it. I think we are done. There is nothing more to talk about if we are at this point. Nothing.

So now I sit next to the campfire by myself wondering how we got here. I love this man so much, but i cannot live in fear.

Vale

Addiction is a cunning, powerful, and baffling affliction.

Ann

I am so sorry for your pain, sadly, this is a common situation here...the back and forth each time hoping that this time will be different and then the pain of learning once again that it just isn't different, it's worse. Addiction is a progressive disease.

Read some of the posts by LoveMeNow, she struggled and tried so hard to make it work and gave it every chance...and in the end there was nothing left to salvage, just the remnants of "what used to be and is no more".

Find some support for yourself, get some legal advice so you know your rights and if you have young children, document his using behaviour because you may need that one day if there is a struggle for custody or whether visitation should be supervised.

As as as this is right now, you are just a little bit wiser for the journey.

Hugs

chicory

Mejo, I send a hug. I know you need one right about now. You have done all you can do... and if you think that maybe you haven't,,, think again.. because we can do NOTHING to cure them. NO promises will make an addict quit. No loving family standing , begging, crying, loving them will make them quit.

only their own pain getting so much worse that they can't stand it. Seems pretty selfish to me, sometimes, but it is an illness. But one that he can choose to recover from.

you can't make him quit. But you can take yourself out of the pains path, and protect your self and your son. a good life, clean life, one with laughter, and peace will give your son security that he needs. A good happy home, even without a mate, is better than one with a drug addict..no matter what he says.

he is trying to manipulate you with false hopes... only doing drugs once a month? do you believe that? I sure don't. if he could do that, he could give it up totally.

he needs to hit a bottom, so he will want to quit. He cannot think of anything but his drugs...obviously.

I am so sorry Mejo, but I am glad you are here for the support. keep reading the stories here. they are your story too.

zoso77

Let's unpack this, shall we?

When he told you this, what he's telling you is he can control his addiction. These are the words of a man who is lying not only to you, but to himself. Once a month will turn into once a week. Once a week will turn into once a day. And so on, and so on, and so on.

What he's also telling you is he's putting drugs before your "wonderful" marriage. There is nothing wonderful about what he's proposing. In fact, in you read between the lines, he's telling you, f**k you, I want to do what I want, and I don't care what you think about it or how it effects you.

Where's the love you have for yourself? When are you going to put you first? Forgive me for being so direct, but functionally speaking, your marriage is over.

Ann's right. You should read LoveMeNow's posts, because she's been through the fire. If you really, really love your AH, then allow him to feel and experience the consequences of his choices.

mejo

I know I need to stick to my boundaries, but it is so hard. I want my H more than he wants us. I have no fight left in me. I am scared he will move out tomorrow, but I cannot make his choices. All I can do is take care of my kids and protect them.

zoso77

Yes, it's extremely hard. But if you don't, you'll always be stuck where you are. And as you can see, that isn't good for you, or your kids.

BlueChair

Im sorry Mejo

Yogagurl

Dear Mejo -

I am sorry for the circumstances of your current situation with your husband and very sorry that he has this disease. It's painful, I know. Excruciatingly painful, then numbingly painful, then excruciating again. I want you to know, we feel you here on SR. The link below made me think of you. I hope you can find peace soon.

Madea - Let em' Go on Vimeo

Love and light,
YG

mejo

I love that from Madea. I watch it a lot. All he is done since 5 30 last night is sleep. He is on the crash. He is being really ******. He wont take our boy fishing. Wont spend any time with us because I cried yesterday and this is his vacation. I feel hurt inside but doing my best not to cry or start a fight that will lead to aggressive behavior from AH (which he does when coming down and then blames me for the reason). I feel like he hates me. He gets mad because I always think its about me. I wish he would just realize that family is everything. Not drugs. Not other women. Just us. Why can't they find happiness in that? Why do they just continue the process over and over only to lose everything? Why do they blame us for their unhappiness? This was supposed to be a family weekend of love and laughter. Not so much.

chicory

I understand your hurt, mejo. But its about drugs.....not you, not your children.

he is sick, using drugs. he only cares about that, if he had to choose. It wrong, its hurtful, but he is sick and an addict.. that is what they do.

its not you. its not that you are not enough. he will continue to do this, until it hurts him enough to quit.

maybe you need some time to accept this? I know it must be breaking your heart. but when you have had enough pain, you will remove yourself .. just remember, your son gets hurt too. He sees you sad, sees his father mad, absent, high, asleep, and he can feel your distraction.
Having one happy parent is better than having a sad mom and an addict dad. and you can be happy, without all this disappointment. you and your son are the ones that matter now...

it takes time to realize sometimes, just what is going on. you will do the right thing for your self and your son. I know you want peace and joy in your lives. you don't need this abuse.

BreesGram

The other day when I was telling my fiancé that my daughters boyfriend has screwed up yet once again and stole from my bank account by taking my daughter's car and debit card to my bank account and driving to the bank with no license and withdrawing money, he said to me "this is because your daughter doesn't treat him like a junkie, he should never have access to her car keys and he should not know her PIN number for that card"! It was so profound and simple what he said, from the outside really, looking in. So much of our heartbreak, disappointment and frustration has been caused by not recognizing what is so obvious to other people looking on. They are drug addicts aka junkies.

hopeful4

I am so very sorry. He clearly thinks he can control his addiction which means he is not even to admitting how profound a problem it is. How many times can you do this??

Tight, tight hugs.

Txhelp

Gosh....I understand how difficult this is when you really want your marriage to work but it's one-sided. It always will be as long as drugs are involved.

You husband sounded like mine. He was angry that I called him out. You are standing in the way of his drug use. He isn't ready and it's not personal to you. Although you are personally effected.

There is nothing for you to do and that helpful feeling is awful. Help yourself. Prayers and hugs to you!

mejo

Well, he did leave, only to go score. But when he came home his tune had changed. He asked for the name of someone I know was a meth addict and has been in strong recovery for 6 years now and sponsors through NA. I gave him the name and number and told him the rest was in him. I asked "why the change?" And he said he got high but still felt empty and felt like it did not make him happy anyway, so why put us through this anymore. Today he txt me to be sure he had the sponsors name right.

This is the very first time since he got out of rehab that he has even spoken of NA, let alone reach out. It still remains to be seen.

Last night I read a thread about love addiction and it scared the **** outta me. I can't stop wondering if thats what I am. Last night I mentioned it to my AH and he said he doubts I am because I finally gave him an ultimatum. He said I have NEVER in 10 years done that before and stood my ground. He told me he knows its reaching the end.

His recovery or lack there of should not be affecting me like it is. I still need a lot.of work.

atalose

I know you want so badly to believe his words, which of course came after he scored some dope and got high, it's all about actions.

Focus on you and your codependency and YOUR recovery and more will be revealed about his.

zoso77

Love addiction? I don't know about that.

For what it's worth, I'm of the belief that when two people get married, they do it because they want to spend the rest of their lives together. But what's implicit with marriage is an agreement that neither party will do things that will f**k the marriage up. Your AH has violated that implicit agreement with his drug use, so he's playing by a different set of rules. I don't doubt that you love him very much. But a marriage can't, and won't, work if the parties aren't playing by the same set of rules. Quote:

So, for him, drugs come before your marriage, and to be blunt, he doesn't give a f**k whether you like it or not. When confronted by such a person doing such things, in order to be safe, steady and sane, you need to protect yourself.

It amazes me that women like Ann have gone through what they've gone through with their addict children and have come out the other side with their sanity intact. To have children out there in the world, not knowing if they're homeless, or even dead, is brutal to imagine. But for the sake of their sanity and their emotional and physical safey, these women have had to detach themselves from their kids. That sucks. But sometimes, you have to do what you have to do, even if you hate to do it.

And that's where you are now, Mejo. It's time that you play by a new set of rules. Your set of rules...Mejo's Rules, if you like. And that means that you're no longer willing to tolerate the self destructive behavior of your AH because you can't afford to pay that price anymore. Enough is enough.

I would not believe a thing that comes out of his mouth anymore. Nada. Only his actions matter.

Do what you need to do, even if you'll hate doing it.

mejo

^^^^this!!!!! �� You're my bud Zoso!!!

mejo

That was a thumbs up btw. Lol

Calmwater

I just wanted to say I'm sorry. It sounds like we're in similar places, it's so very hard when you're watching your family fall apart. I always want to believe my AH so much. I hope it all gets better for you.