Would alanon or naranon be for me?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 223
Would alanon or naranon be for me?
Hi, all.
First, thank you everyone for your support so far and responses.
If anyone has read a previous post of mine, you'll know that my recently AXBF is now in a 90 day inpatient rehab program. He's got a new "relationship" I found out via Facebook. I'm close with his sister, and the other day she asked me why I wanted to go to alanon/naranon. I said well x and my dad is a RA been sober my whole life. What she was trying to get at, I think now that I'm processing what she was saying, is that she doesn't think there's anything wrong with me so why would I go to alanon if there's nothing to "fix"? Her point is this may just be the breakup of my first boyfriend and love and I'm looking for something to fix so maybe we can patch things up (I'm trying to leave him alone to do his treatment, but I can't give up on him or us later--maybe I should.)
She told me X would be him and using whether I was there or not. And maybe I was out in his life to save him. She said he doesn't know what he wants (as far as other women) and is just confused and trying to figure himself out and shouldn't be with anyone right now. I agree. I'm able to see that he shouldn't be with anyone now--it's not just me being jealous.
So I guess if anyone's been in my shoes, or can give any advise, it's appreciated. Is this just a break up or am I falling I to codependency? I don't think so. I mean, I'm doing ok. Working full time and in school for a 2nd BA now part time. I don't feel like I put anythig on hold or sacrificed anythig to be with X except money. (I had a hard time saying no. But I DDIDNT KNOW he was using! I sent him $5 after I found out and paid for things like cigarettes and gas, but no cash after I knew.)
Sorry for the misspellings--I'm trying to type fast for cause I'm at work. Ha
Oh and I live in a remote area with hardly any naranon that's why I have written alanon too
First, thank you everyone for your support so far and responses.
If anyone has read a previous post of mine, you'll know that my recently AXBF is now in a 90 day inpatient rehab program. He's got a new "relationship" I found out via Facebook. I'm close with his sister, and the other day she asked me why I wanted to go to alanon/naranon. I said well x and my dad is a RA been sober my whole life. What she was trying to get at, I think now that I'm processing what she was saying, is that she doesn't think there's anything wrong with me so why would I go to alanon if there's nothing to "fix"? Her point is this may just be the breakup of my first boyfriend and love and I'm looking for something to fix so maybe we can patch things up (I'm trying to leave him alone to do his treatment, but I can't give up on him or us later--maybe I should.)
She told me X would be him and using whether I was there or not. And maybe I was out in his life to save him. She said he doesn't know what he wants (as far as other women) and is just confused and trying to figure himself out and shouldn't be with anyone right now. I agree. I'm able to see that he shouldn't be with anyone now--it's not just me being jealous.
So I guess if anyone's been in my shoes, or can give any advise, it's appreciated. Is this just a break up or am I falling I to codependency? I don't think so. I mean, I'm doing ok. Working full time and in school for a 2nd BA now part time. I don't feel like I put anythig on hold or sacrificed anythig to be with X except money. (I had a hard time saying no. But I DDIDNT KNOW he was using! I sent him $5 after I found out and paid for things like cigarettes and gas, but no cash after I knew.)
Sorry for the misspellings--I'm trying to type fast for cause I'm at work. Ha
Oh and I live in a remote area with hardly any naranon that's why I have written alanon too
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
The fact you are thinking about this and no longer with him spells trouble not only for possible future relationships but your unhealthy attachment to him and his whereabouts. This potentially could lead to regression on your part and a relapse on him (getting back together). I don't see where attending a meeting would do any harm. You may learn something new in the process.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I attended Al-anon and CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) both and many here have as well. Nar-anon is great too but, as you experienced, there are not as many meetings.
Go to whatever meeting you like, maybe try a few different ones to fine one that "fits" best with you and enjoy the fellowship of people who truly understand.
Good luck, let us know how you make out.
Hugs
Go to whatever meeting you like, maybe try a few different ones to fine one that "fits" best with you and enjoy the fellowship of people who truly understand.
Good luck, let us know how you make out.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Neither one will hurt! It will give you some great information about setting boundaries; healthy relationships; and hopefully avoiding patterns in who you pick for a relationship.
Information can be very powerful!
Information can be very powerful!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Even when you are long over your AXBF and resolved all issues with your dad, you will still learn so many important skills in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon for all aspects of your life and relationships of all kinds. I absolutely encourage you to attend! There are many online meetings as well. Take care. And way to think about yourself! As we say in NarAnon meetings, we are not there to discuss (or FIX!) the addict, but to grow in understanding, learning to care deeply for our own lives.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Al Anon saved my sanity and helped fill in the blanks for me about a lot of things. So much so that when, in my case, my relationship with my AXGF ended, I didn't personalize how my AXGF behaved towards me.
Al Anon/Nar Anon is for us. Those programs present an opportunity for the loved ones of an addict or an alcoholic to look at their own behavior and choices. And I absolutely think that it would be of benefit to you, provided you go into it with an open mind.
There's a saying in AA; paraphrasing, here's another f**king opportunity for growth. Find a meeting you're comfortable at, and listen to how people both learned how to deal with their loved ones disease and got honest with themselves about why they did what they did.
Al Anon/Nar Anon is for us. Those programs present an opportunity for the loved ones of an addict or an alcoholic to look at their own behavior and choices. And I absolutely think that it would be of benefit to you, provided you go into it with an open mind.
There's a saying in AA; paraphrasing, here's another f**king opportunity for growth. Find a meeting you're comfortable at, and listen to how people both learned how to deal with their loved ones disease and got honest with themselves about why they did what they did.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I remember an old friend who knew my story and who knew I went to meetings.
One day she asked me "So, how long do you have to go to meetings?" (as if it was something awful).
My answer was "I don't "have" to go to any, but I hope to go for a long time because I enjoy the serenity and peace they bring me and they help me grow to be a better person."
I wanted to add "You could probably benefit from a few yourself" but didn't...and she's still my friend today.
People who have no experience with what we have been through, have no idea about addiction, recovery, meetings and self-healing and I share as little as possible with those who don't "get it".
Hugs
One day she asked me "So, how long do you have to go to meetings?" (as if it was something awful).
My answer was "I don't "have" to go to any, but I hope to go for a long time because I enjoy the serenity and peace they bring me and they help me grow to be a better person."
I wanted to add "You could probably benefit from a few yourself" but didn't...and she's still my friend today.
People who have no experience with what we have been through, have no idea about addiction, recovery, meetings and self-healing and I share as little as possible with those who don't "get it".
Hugs
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