byebyebaby

I filed for divorce from my AH a year and a half ago. During the proceedings he wanted to get back together and I stood my ground and went forth with the divorce. I told him that we needed to proceed with the divorce because he needed to get sober on his own and that I would support him from a distance.

We had several companies together during our marriage and one of the companies was really mine based on an invention. During our marriage I had asked my AH to help make me a prototype and he was always too drunk to care. During the divorce, he miraculously made me a prototype stating that he did it out of the kindness of his heart and wanted nothing in return...I should have known better.

He wanted to remain involved in my company so we agreed that I would keep 60% of the company and he would have a 40% stake and in return, he would only be responsible for 40% of our debt and I would take 60%. I settled for this as what I really wanted was 100% of my company and would take 100% of the debt but he wanted to remain involved he said to remain close to me.

The company has no value at this point. He moved out of state and a month later ended up in another medically induced detox. During his "woe is me phase" he asked if I wanted to go back to my original wish of taking 100% of the company. He said he was adding up all of his bills and had such a huge debt again that he didn't need anymore debt. I said YES YES YES! Finally, I was not going to have any connection, other than our children.

I wrote up the paperwork and asked that he sign and notarize it. It was a very simple 2 paragraph document since it was an agreement. A few weeks later I found out he was engaged to get married in 2 1/2 months so I asked him to please get the paperwork back to me. I waited another month and asked again that he get the paperwork back to me as I had a new partner that I wanted to bring on board and he sent me a text stating that he's changed his mind, that he wants to keep his 40%. I didn't even respond. I finally sent him a really nice email asking why in the world would he want to remain involved when he can't bring anything to the table living so far away and why, he would he even want to remain involved in a company with his ex-wife when he is about to get married?

He wrote me back and said: Let me get back with you. Lots on my mind right now. To me, this is a simple yes or no answer. My invention is seasonal, mostly a summer-time thing so I was hoping to solve this months ago.

So, my question is, do A's do things like this out of spite? He knows this is my dream and it's like he's purposely trying to hurt me when I haven't done anything wrong. I feel like he is still bitter that I made him chose between his family and his alcohol.

Can anyone tell me why on earth he would even want to be a part of something with me, his ex? What can he possibly gain other than knowing that it would crush me to have him remain involved. Do A's enjoy hurting others?

mfanch

He is probably getting advice as to not be too hasty with his decision to give you 100%.

What I would do, first of all, is understand your part in the mess so that you don't repeat it with either him or another person (re you saying: "I agreed", "I settled", "I wrote up the paperwork"). This situation was allowed to get where it is by your decisions. Awareness of this is the first step in preventing it.

From experience with exes, attorneys are indicated, even for the simple act of memorializing agreements, regardless of how simple or benign. Trust me on this. It will come back and bite you in the butt otherwise.

I would get an attorney to handle this and not talk to the ex except for matters of visitation, parenting plan, etc of the children.

byebyebaby

Thanks but we had attorney's involved and it was suggested that we agree to something otherwise we would leave the decision up to the Judge and the Judge could have just as easily ordered the company to be dissolved, in which case nobody would win.

Also, my thread was not so much about the company, that was just a background needed to ask my question and my question still remains...why do A's do things like this? Do they enjoy trying to hurt other people because they are so miserable with themselves?

I guess as a normie, I would never do something like this. If the roles were reversed I would sign away.

I also forgot to mention that he is $10,000 behind in child support. You'd think that alone would be a reason to give me 100% of a company I started. I guess logic to us is completely different as logic to an A.

zoso77

ByeBye...

You're trying to apply logic to a situation that is inherently illogical. But since you've asked, the short answer is alcoholics and addicts are master manipulators and will play anyone in order to get their wish. And to be blunt, they don't care who they hurt along the way.

It's time you take your heart and your emotions out of this equation and deal with him pragmatically. And if he doesn't like it, too f**kin' bad.

FeelingGreat

hi BBB, he's not giving up a chance to manipulate you is he? Maybe he's hoping you'll offer an inducement if you get desperate enough.
Without knowing his character, he's got nothing to lose by annoying and delaying you. Is there something you can do to force the issue? Put more pressure on wanting him to pay his share of the debt, or you pushing harder on child support.
Strategically, you want him to heartily wish you out of his life, and now he's newly engaged it could be a good time for you put on the pressure.

hopeful4

It's a power trip. He has something he knows you want. O joy. Myself, I would gamble to say that if he thinks you don't want it badly, he will sign it right over. Just my opinion as of course I don't know him, just recognize the addict powerplay.

As always, prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

byebyebaby

It may be and it's so frustrating. Do they EVER leave the ex alone? I not only wanted my company because it's really mine, but I figured with one less thing between us, it would be one less thing I have to deal with him on.

I feel like active A's have to still have an outlet to argue or blame so if he lets go of the company he can't blame me for anything because that will be the last connection.

We do have kids between us but that is easy because I just go by what the court ordered and what we agreed upon originally and until that changes
there should be no conflict.

The part I think I'm really pissed about is the fact that HE made the offer to give it to me in exchange for me to take all the debt which is about $9000 of relief for him. Normal people that have $60,000 in debt (like him), $10,000 behind in child support and $1400 behind in health care premiums would GLADLY knock off $9000 of their overall debt, but not this guy.

I also think that deep down inside he is afraid that the company/product is going to take off and he will have no say in it. During our marriage he always seemed very jealous of any accomplishments I made and very competitive with me. I always thought that was very strange but maybe it's another characteristic of A's?

byebyebaby

Hi FeelingGreat. In response to your post. I have sent him many many documents showing his debt and how it's accumulating. By court orders I have to keep him informed on the healthcare premiums so I include everything for his review every month.

As far as child support goes, he has lien on everything through child support services (not that he owns anything and hides anything he does own), they are filing interstate services to get the state he's in involved and in addition to that I have filed a motion for enforcement with the courts. The enforcement hearing is supposed to take place the first week of September but his attorney has asked for it to moved...haven't heard yet if that will happen. But at the enforcement hearing they will most likely just put a judgment against him and then he'll attempt to file for a modification but either way the past due doesn't go away. They usually don't jail them the first time around.

Now, I'm just going to vent for a minute just to give you an idea about screwed up this person is and why it makes me mad that he would even have the capacity to remain involved in my company. He got engaged in June, to a person he just met, he gets married this month (yes just under 3 months of courtship). He has 2 warrants out for his arrest in my state, no home, a vehicle his mom bought him (he's 40 btw), $60,000 in debt, his previous car was repossessed and now they have a lawsuit against him and he has over $3000 in DUI fines he has not paid. In addition, he has a suspended license in my state and his license is suspended in his state and he has not been complying with his interlock requirements. So, having said all that I have no idea how he sleeps at night let alone have the desire to be a part of my deal. IT MAKES NO SENSE!!! Okay, I'm done venting:-)

FeelingGreat

Vent away BBB. You've earned it many times over. He's in so much trouble all round $9000 is probably just a figure to him.
Makes you wonder what sort of woman would take on a prize like him (at this stage of his life - not meaning you of course).

hopeful4

Vent away is right! Having to deal with his toxicity has to be soooo frustrating. It sounds pretty certain that at some point in the future he is going to land himself in jail. These debts are not going to go away, give him a little time and I am betting he would jump on the bandwagon of erasing some debt when he starts to get squeezed.

I feel for you and wish you the best of luck in dealing with this!

XXX

sojourner

BBB: Your ex sounds like mine. I do not think we can ever really grasp the answer down to our souls. I think the posts above referring to the power play of the addict is the closest to the truth that there is. But, again, we have to get our emotions out of it, accept the fact that we do not know why they do this, and go into protective mode for ourselves and our children mentally, spiritually, physically, and financially. Addict kills the soul and will kill us too if we are not mindful of the thing.

I would also like to warn you, from my own experience, that the ex-spouse that is this toxic will also try and taint the minds of your children, especially in matters concerning you. This will happen on phone calls, visits, etc., out of your earshot. And your kids will not necessarily let you know because they fear their father would get mad at them and possibly never see them again! Sick as it is, your kids want a relationship with their father and do not want to jeopardize what little attention he gives them. That will make your job much harder as a parent trying to raise these kids and teach them respect for you. This may not be so much your situation, and if not then pay no attention to this paragraph. But it was my experience, and we are still paying for it even though my kids are adults. So take what you need and leave the rest.

Good luck. Keeping coming back!