I cant tke it anymore !!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Originally Posted by needingabreak 
Vale, I have often wondered how many suicidal people who were really reaching out for help regretted their decision at that last second. Very sad.
I agree with bookreader. It is so easy for people to judge.............until it hits their own family or loved one. All of a sudden they have a different view.
It really saddens me when I hear people says things like "one more druggie gone, They made the choice, it is their own damn fault." Ignorant words from an ignorant person.
Drug addicts may try the drug (and in some cases people get addicted after having surgery or injuries) but then they become addicted. It may have at first been a choice (yes, a bad one) but soon enough it is no longer a choice.
I wish more people had compassion instead of indifference or nasty comments. And we wonder why there is such a stigma attached to it.
I agree with bookreader. It is so easy for people to judge.............until it hits their own family or loved one. All of a sudden they have a different view.
It really saddens me when I hear people says things like "one more druggie gone, They made the choice, it is their own damn fault." Ignorant words from an ignorant person.
Drug addicts may try the drug (and in some cases people get addicted after having surgery or injuries) but then they become addicted. It may have at first been a choice (yes, a bad one) but soon enough it is no longer a choice.
I wish more people had compassion instead of indifference or nasty comments. And we wonder why there is such a stigma attached to it.
You're right.Ignorant words from ignorant people. People who will
squeal like stuck pigs when it is THEIR turn for misfortune. At THAT point,
when it's THEIR kid......whole different story.
It is a theme I have harped on since I've been here.
The lady I helped (or thought I was helping) .....wasn't an evil woman.
She was bored, FOMO'd to the max......and 45. She felt her life didn't pan
out as she thought it should. She complained about how tiny her swimming
pool was and how hot it got by midsummer.
The devil made her a deal. She took the bait.....and turned her
ordinary existence into a one way trip to hell.
Oldest story in humanity. You may not buy into the "talking snake story"
in Judeo-Christian tradition....but you need to be smart and cagey enough to
know there are doors that shouldn't be opened.
"Another dead junkie.Who cares? They did the world a favor".
This is ignorance, base and vile. And I, for one, will not yield to it,
no matter how much popularity it costs me.
(Do you REALLY want the nabobs to think you are one of them?)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Darlington
Posts: 175
The disease /choice debate drives me mad as if anyone in the world would choose constantly to screw up there and others lives. Between me and my addicted husband I have the choice as I'm not mentally ill. It's like saying to someone with bi polar cheer up for gods sake. We are talking changes in brain chemistry resulting in major need for rewiring which isn't easy and in some cases impossible. I've been with my husband for 4 years his actions hurt so bad. He has just pawned his wedding ring... That was the only thing that remained on his finger no matter how much he needed to use. I found that out the day I went in for an operation because mine was taped up by the nurse. I asked him where his was! my heart broke that was two days ago. He's in bed. Not used today. I choose to stay............. why ? cause love comes from the same part of the brain as addiction. We are both screwed xxxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
So true.
If we were cruel, it would be easy to be...so judgemental.
"They're addicts! They CHOOSE this."
Hmmmm. Lets see what YOUR major life defect?
Are you too fat? Eat less and exercise more....I don't
understand why you CHOOSE to be heavy.....in world
that plainly hates same.
Didn't achieve a damn thing in this life? No education?
As you can see, it is quite easy to tear most normal
people to pieces....."junkies" are just the easiest target.
It is less of a lens into what the junkie is---- than a lens
into the soul of the attacker.
In my 53 years, I have seen many shortcomings
overcome by any number of determined souls.
What I have NEVER seen....is a mean,petty soul
who takes pleasure in hurting others---ever turn out
to be anything but a steaming pile of dung.
If we were cruel, it would be easy to be...so judgemental.
"They're addicts! They CHOOSE this."
Hmmmm. Lets see what YOUR major life defect?
Are you too fat? Eat less and exercise more....I don't
understand why you CHOOSE to be heavy.....in world
that plainly hates same.
Didn't achieve a damn thing in this life? No education?
As you can see, it is quite easy to tear most normal
people to pieces....."junkies" are just the easiest target.
It is less of a lens into what the junkie is---- than a lens
into the soul of the attacker.
In my 53 years, I have seen many shortcomings
overcome by any number of determined souls.
What I have NEVER seen....is a mean,petty soul
who takes pleasure in hurting others---ever turn out
to be anything but a steaming pile of dung.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Vale and those hear who have shown deep compassion for those lost in the insidious disease of addiction, this mama thanks you from the bottom of her heart.
My son's entire birth family was addicted to one drug or another, his birth sister died young, overdosing on Christmas day many years back. He made a 'choice" to never use drugs...and then decided a few beers would be okay...then more...then a wee bit of pot...and thus it began and thus it continues.
It is glorified as "fun" or "funny" on TV and in movies. Think "Cheech and Chong" and the more modern versions of them. People roar with laughter at the antics.
Nobody was laughing when I called 911 the three times that my son overdosed. Nobody laughed at his birth sister's funeral.
I don't "blame" anyone for addiction but it would be helpful if it was treated as cigarette smoking was over the years, showing it as "not cool" and a killer...and today most people I know, including myself, no longer smoke.
Just my thoughts while sipping my first coffee of a sunny beautiful holiday Monday.
Hugs
My son's entire birth family was addicted to one drug or another, his birth sister died young, overdosing on Christmas day many years back. He made a 'choice" to never use drugs...and then decided a few beers would be okay...then more...then a wee bit of pot...and thus it began and thus it continues.
It is glorified as "fun" or "funny" on TV and in movies. Think "Cheech and Chong" and the more modern versions of them. People roar with laughter at the antics.
Nobody was laughing when I called 911 the three times that my son overdosed. Nobody laughed at his birth sister's funeral.
I don't "blame" anyone for addiction but it would be helpful if it was treated as cigarette smoking was over the years, showing it as "not cool" and a killer...and today most people I know, including myself, no longer smoke.
Just my thoughts while sipping my first coffee of a sunny beautiful holiday Monday.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
It IS a beautiful morning, Ann.
And, in a funny coincidence----it marks 5 years to the day when this
particular chapter in my life opened 8/4/2009. It has been a journey
of learning, and trial.....and ultimately, loss.
Would I repeat this journey, given the choice? If you are expecting
some quixotic higher consciousness (e.g. Vale bullcrap) answer......I'm
afraid I'll be forced to disappoint you with.....
"NO F-ING WAY!!!!!!!!!"
But it was not a wasted journey. I learned so very much. Before, I would
pass these wounded souls without so much as a second thought.
It is not enough to win the game of life professionally and socially. If you
have no compassion for your fellow man (or woman).....then you are but
another fool---albeit one with fuller pockets and more self centered crap on
your "I love me" wall.
Although I wish it didn't take the destruction of her soul to teach me this
basic truth.....I will be forever grateful to her for teaching it to me.
......as I will be (forever) so very grateful to SR....and the people who call it home.
And, in a funny coincidence----it marks 5 years to the day when this
particular chapter in my life opened 8/4/2009. It has been a journey
of learning, and trial.....and ultimately, loss.
Would I repeat this journey, given the choice? If you are expecting
some quixotic higher consciousness (e.g. Vale bullcrap) answer......I'm
afraid I'll be forced to disappoint you with.....
"NO F-ING WAY!!!!!!!!!"
But it was not a wasted journey. I learned so very much. Before, I would
pass these wounded souls without so much as a second thought.
It is not enough to win the game of life professionally and socially. If you
have no compassion for your fellow man (or woman).....then you are but
another fool---albeit one with fuller pockets and more self centered crap on
your "I love me" wall.
Although I wish it didn't take the destruction of her soul to teach me this
basic truth.....I will be forever grateful to her for teaching it to me.
......as I will be (forever) so very grateful to SR....and the people who call it home.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Well said and I agree, Vale. I would not wish my life and experience on my worst enemy...yet I would not trade a minute of my life with anyone. It has been my path to take and my journey to discover that life IS beautiful and worth living well, with compassion and love and a heart that heals from even the deepest wounds.
That quote is going into my "treasures", Vale. Amen and amen.
Hugs
Originally Posted by Vale
It is not enough to win the game of life professionally and socially. If you
have no compassion for your fellow man (or woman).....then you are but
another fool---albeit one with fuller pockets and more self centered crap on
your "I love me" wall.
have no compassion for your fellow man (or woman).....then you are but
another fool---albeit one with fuller pockets and more self centered crap on
your "I love me" wall.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Hi all.. true true true... having lived with a pain pill addict for 22 years. I know what you are going thro...I have done some study, have lots of time in hospitals in 22 years and the library there is huge.. what I have found to be true to a certain extent..
1. Family of the begining of the the childhood of the addict plays alot into the problem
2. what the Family allow the addict to do on a whim
3. Family DNA going backward for years.. my hubby the Irish German.. have gone back to the 1500's for family on him and problems.. alot of them died because of drink and in the 1800 -1900's because of drugs and drink....
at least I can give his son and family a heads up on what might walk into the childrens lives and harm them....
love to all ardy
1. Family of the begining of the the childhood of the addict plays alot into the problem
2. what the Family allow the addict to do on a whim
3. Family DNA going backward for years.. my hubby the Irish German.. have gone back to the 1500's for family on him and problems.. alot of them died because of drink and in the 1800 -1900's because of drugs and drink....
at least I can give his son and family a heads up on what might walk into the childrens lives and harm them....
love to all ardy
aboutdone
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
How to find a Rehab and why should I?
Hi all!
I'm not new to SR but new to SA. My RAH recently celebrated 5 years sober and life has been, well, as normal as could be expected in the whole big picture.
What brings me here, is my 1st husbands AD. She was my step daughter, and lived in my home for 13 years. Her mother passed away when she was 2. I raised her as my own, along with my own, until her Father & I divorced and he refused to allow her to communicate with me in the first year.
I tend to get wordy so I will try to stick to point. After divorce, minimal contact with her for first year, then at 16 she became pg, and came to me to help tell her Dad she was pg. It so happens that is also when she started seriously using. Drugs of choice, any pill and meth. Supplier was the baby Daddy.
Lovely Family Dynamic kicks in, and her Dads company insurance won't pay for pg/birthing, so Dad rents her an apt at 16, buys her a car, pays all utilities, phone, gets her set up with state assistance to pay for pregnancy and birthing. Baby Daddy moves in as well, because, hey, why not? LOL.
She has her 2nd child at 18, he was born with Down Syndrome. 3rd child at 20. The entire time, spending all cash assistance, and SSDI on meth, and crying to Daddy to pay her bills. She has went through 5 cars, numerous boyfriends, always goes back to the 2 Baby Daddys in the picture, who are both dealers/users. She has moved 8 times. Daddy continues to pay deposits, move her, hand out money, and "save" her.
He and I have 3 children together so I interact with him frequently. After her last child was born 3 months early, I started asking him, when he thought he might want to stop supplying her drug money. He was furious as well as oblivious. Apparently doesn't see how what he does enables her, and didn't believe she was using.
She is 23 now. Was picked up last month for a variety of charges all focused around the selling of hydros and meth, within 1000 ft of a school and doing the deal at her apt, in front of 2 of her kids, so child endangerment. When she was arrested, they took the kids and placed in foster care. Her bond was $50,000. Her Dad was floored. AND, still teetering on believing the "I was set up" story.
Some 50 yr old man put up $5,000 to bail her out. Dear Dad still couldn't see that hmmm, the supplier bailed her out to make sure he wasn't getting narc'd on.
She was out a lil more than a week, and was picked up on a violation of bond, as she had a dirty UA.
NOW. MY part in all this. 2 years ago she went off on me, because I refused to babysit for her, give her money, etc. So. I flat out said enough. Unless your clean and sober, don't come around. I don't want to hear it, I am not watching your kids for hours on end, I have no money to give to you, nor would I. So, for the last 2 years I have been a no good piece of crap to her. I'm good with that.
AND then the codie comes out. Her Dad would much rather sweep the problem under the rug and continue paying all her bills. He refuses to pay for counseling and rehab. Thats cool. I refuse too, but not for those reasons. I feel she needs to come straight out of jail, and straight in to rehab, and then straight in to 1/2 way house. I discussed this with the Ex and he just said, well, I don't have the money.
So, today I am trying to find a rehab that would work with her. Our local Salvation Army referred to local rehab which is self pay or insurance. Salvation Army doesn't pay. Local Rehab said call health Department. Health Department referred back to Salvation Army.
I'm not necessarily trying to find free. I'm looking for a rehab that will take her to begin with, then work out a payment plan with her. She has never been real good at details, so I just want to provide the info to her, and let the choice be hers, as I don't want to hear, I can't go to rehab because I don't know how.
Then the other side of me says, eh, hasn't been my problem for 2 years, why bother now?
My justification? I'm not an addict, in support of my RAH, I don't even drink at all, and I am fairly smart, and yet I can't even find a rehab for her, so how the hell should I expect her to be able to do it?
I will take all criticism, advice, useful or useless info provided. I welcome all of it.
I'm not new to SR but new to SA. My RAH recently celebrated 5 years sober and life has been, well, as normal as could be expected in the whole big picture.
What brings me here, is my 1st husbands AD. She was my step daughter, and lived in my home for 13 years. Her mother passed away when she was 2. I raised her as my own, along with my own, until her Father & I divorced and he refused to allow her to communicate with me in the first year.
I tend to get wordy so I will try to stick to point. After divorce, minimal contact with her for first year, then at 16 she became pg, and came to me to help tell her Dad she was pg. It so happens that is also when she started seriously using. Drugs of choice, any pill and meth. Supplier was the baby Daddy.
Lovely Family Dynamic kicks in, and her Dads company insurance won't pay for pg/birthing, so Dad rents her an apt at 16, buys her a car, pays all utilities, phone, gets her set up with state assistance to pay for pregnancy and birthing. Baby Daddy moves in as well, because, hey, why not? LOL.
She has her 2nd child at 18, he was born with Down Syndrome. 3rd child at 20. The entire time, spending all cash assistance, and SSDI on meth, and crying to Daddy to pay her bills. She has went through 5 cars, numerous boyfriends, always goes back to the 2 Baby Daddys in the picture, who are both dealers/users. She has moved 8 times. Daddy continues to pay deposits, move her, hand out money, and "save" her.
He and I have 3 children together so I interact with him frequently. After her last child was born 3 months early, I started asking him, when he thought he might want to stop supplying her drug money. He was furious as well as oblivious. Apparently doesn't see how what he does enables her, and didn't believe she was using.
She is 23 now. Was picked up last month for a variety of charges all focused around the selling of hydros and meth, within 1000 ft of a school and doing the deal at her apt, in front of 2 of her kids, so child endangerment. When she was arrested, they took the kids and placed in foster care. Her bond was $50,000. Her Dad was floored. AND, still teetering on believing the "I was set up" story.
Some 50 yr old man put up $5,000 to bail her out. Dear Dad still couldn't see that hmmm, the supplier bailed her out to make sure he wasn't getting narc'd on.
She was out a lil more than a week, and was picked up on a violation of bond, as she had a dirty UA.
NOW. MY part in all this. 2 years ago she went off on me, because I refused to babysit for her, give her money, etc. So. I flat out said enough. Unless your clean and sober, don't come around. I don't want to hear it, I am not watching your kids for hours on end, I have no money to give to you, nor would I. So, for the last 2 years I have been a no good piece of crap to her. I'm good with that.
AND then the codie comes out. Her Dad would much rather sweep the problem under the rug and continue paying all her bills. He refuses to pay for counseling and rehab. Thats cool. I refuse too, but not for those reasons. I feel she needs to come straight out of jail, and straight in to rehab, and then straight in to 1/2 way house. I discussed this with the Ex and he just said, well, I don't have the money.
So, today I am trying to find a rehab that would work with her. Our local Salvation Army referred to local rehab which is self pay or insurance. Salvation Army doesn't pay. Local Rehab said call health Department. Health Department referred back to Salvation Army.
I'm not necessarily trying to find free. I'm looking for a rehab that will take her to begin with, then work out a payment plan with her. She has never been real good at details, so I just want to provide the info to her, and let the choice be hers, as I don't want to hear, I can't go to rehab because I don't know how.
Then the other side of me says, eh, hasn't been my problem for 2 years, why bother now?
My justification? I'm not an addict, in support of my RAH, I don't even drink at all, and I am fairly smart, and yet I can't even find a rehab for her, so how the hell should I expect her to be able to do it?
I will take all criticism, advice, useful or useless info provided. I welcome all of it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Vale there is another side to the ignorant and sometimes flat out vile comments that I have heard relayed and witnessed over the years. Some of those saying the most horrendous of things or reacting in the most bizarre and obnoxious ways were hugely in denial with a lot to keep secret and addicts themselves. For others is was pain and I’ve seen that real close to home with my sister who’s response to my son’s addiction was tell him I will see him at his funeral. But if you listened closely and got through the garbage she was saying it really came down to a comment later in the conversation of look how you were as a teen … Well now who’s this conversation about him or me?
Sure there are some evil people out there, who are flat out mean but some have pain behind their words we can’t always see or understand in the moment.
I have been known to say a lot that other’s reactions are so based on what is in them and not so much what is going on around them or the actions of the people in their lives. Even with the debate of disease or choice which is fascinating in itself, most opinions come back to what one lived, what was taught maybe in dysfunction, what they sought on their own in a healthy way or just need to believe at times so they can be ok and feel safe in this world as only they view it.
A bit convoluted I find …
Aboutdone … You should start a new thread, this way you will get more responses and support. Maybe one of the moderators can help there???
If she wants to be done she can and will find a way. I just can’t believe that there isn’t someone who she can talk to especially being in the system that won’t have some resources to offer her. Surely she has some public defender? I am quite sure she has a voice and can ask questions. The resources are there if she asks for help. Also dialing 211 works, she can make that call all on her own and find every resource in the area. And the Salvation Army Adult Rehab Program is free but they are not in all areas.
And no you are not responsible to find her a rehab. If you want to give her resources and numbers to call great, but you don’t need to do any of the leg work she can do that herself.
Sure there are some evil people out there, who are flat out mean but some have pain behind their words we can’t always see or understand in the moment.
I have been known to say a lot that other’s reactions are so based on what is in them and not so much what is going on around them or the actions of the people in their lives. Even with the debate of disease or choice which is fascinating in itself, most opinions come back to what one lived, what was taught maybe in dysfunction, what they sought on their own in a healthy way or just need to believe at times so they can be ok and feel safe in this world as only they view it.
A bit convoluted I find …
Aboutdone … You should start a new thread, this way you will get more responses and support. Maybe one of the moderators can help there???
If she wants to be done she can and will find a way. I just can’t believe that there isn’t someone who she can talk to especially being in the system that won’t have some resources to offer her. Surely she has some public defender? I am quite sure she has a voice and can ask questions. The resources are there if she asks for help. Also dialing 211 works, she can make that call all on her own and find every resource in the area. And the Salvation Army Adult Rehab Program is free but they are not in all areas.
And no you are not responsible to find her a rehab. If you want to give her resources and numbers to call great, but you don’t need to do any of the leg work she can do that herself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by heartbrokenK
I feel your pain. All I know is that many people have let go and were able to live a full happy life wether the other person is using or not. I'm trying to get to that point in my life. I don't so much care as to how it's labeled or compared to as much as for me- that my life has become unmanageable! I'm trying hard to focus on me. I often ask myself, "how do I want to live?" "What's the best thing to do to take care of me in this moment". It is very hard to do.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Originally Posted by aboutdone
Hi all!
I'm not new to SR but new to SA. My RAH recently celebrated 5 years sober and life has been, well, as normal as could be expected in the whole big picture.
What brings me here, is my 1st husbands AD. She was my step daughter, and lived in my home for 13 years. Her mother passed away when she was 2. I raised her as my own, along with my own, until her Father & I divorced and he refused to allow her to communicate with me in the first year.
I tend to get wordy so I will try to stick to point. After divorce, minimal contact with her for first year, then at 16 she became pg, and came to me to help tell her Dad she was pg. It so happens that is also when she started seriously using. Drugs of choice, any pill and meth. Supplier was the baby Daddy.
Lovely Family Dynamic kicks in, and her Dads company insurance won't pay for pg/birthing, so Dad rents her an apt at 16, buys her a car, pays all utilities, phone, gets her set up with state assistance to pay for pregnancy and birthing. Baby Daddy moves in as well, because, hey, why not? LOL.
She has her 2nd child at 18, he was born with Down Syndrome. 3rd child at 20. The entire time, spending all cash assistance, and SSDI on meth, and crying to Daddy to pay her bills. She has went through 5 cars, numerous boyfriends, always goes back to the 2 Baby Daddys in the picture, who are both dealers/users. She has moved 8 times. Daddy continues to pay deposits, move her, hand out money, and "save" her.
He and I have 3 children together so I interact with him frequently. After her last child was born 3 months early, I started asking him, when he thought he might want to stop supplying her drug money. He was furious as well as oblivious. Apparently doesn't see how what he does enables her, and didn't believe she was using.
She is 23 now. Was picked up last month for a variety of charges all focused around the selling of hydros and meth, within 1000 ft of a school and doing the deal at her apt, in front of 2 of her kids, so child endangerment. When she was arrested, they took the kids and placed in foster care. Her bond was $50,000. Her Dad was floored. AND, still teetering on believing the "I was set up" story.
Some 50 yr old man put up $5,000 to bail her out. Dear Dad still couldn't see that hmmm, the supplier bailed her out to make sure he wasn't getting narc'd on.
She was out a lil more than a week, and was picked up on a violation of bond, as she had a dirty UA.
NOW. MY part in all this. 2 years ago she went off on me, because I refused to babysit for her, give her money, etc. So. I flat out said enough. Unless your clean and sober, don't come around. I don't want to hear it, I am not watching your kids for hours on end, I have no money to give to you, nor would I. So, for the last 2 years I have been a no good piece of crap to her. I'm good with that.
AND then the codie comes out. Her Dad would much rather sweep the problem under the rug and continue paying all her bills. He refuses to pay for counseling and rehab. Thats cool. I refuse too, but not for those reasons. I feel she needs to come straight out of jail, and straight in to rehab, and then straight in to 1/2 way house. I discussed this with the Ex and he just said, well, I don't have the money.
So, today I am trying to find a rehab that would work with her. Our local Salvation Army referred to local rehab which is self pay or insurance. Salvation Army doesn't pay. Local Rehab said call health Department. Health Department referred back to Salvation Army.
I'm not necessarily trying to find free. I'm looking for a rehab that will take her to begin with, then work out a payment plan with her. She has never been real good at details, so I just want to provide the info to her, and let the choice be hers, as I don't want to hear, I can't go to rehab because I don't know how.
Then the other side of me says, eh, hasn't been my problem for 2 years, why bother now?
My justification? I'm not an addict, in support of my RAH, I don't even drink at all, and I am fairly smart, and yet I can't even find a rehab for her, so how the hell should I expect her to be able to do it?
I will take all criticism, advice, useful or useless info provided. I welcome all of it.
I'm not new to SR but new to SA. My RAH recently celebrated 5 years sober and life has been, well, as normal as could be expected in the whole big picture.
What brings me here, is my 1st husbands AD. She was my step daughter, and lived in my home for 13 years. Her mother passed away when she was 2. I raised her as my own, along with my own, until her Father & I divorced and he refused to allow her to communicate with me in the first year.
I tend to get wordy so I will try to stick to point. After divorce, minimal contact with her for first year, then at 16 she became pg, and came to me to help tell her Dad she was pg. It so happens that is also when she started seriously using. Drugs of choice, any pill and meth. Supplier was the baby Daddy.
Lovely Family Dynamic kicks in, and her Dads company insurance won't pay for pg/birthing, so Dad rents her an apt at 16, buys her a car, pays all utilities, phone, gets her set up with state assistance to pay for pregnancy and birthing. Baby Daddy moves in as well, because, hey, why not? LOL.
She has her 2nd child at 18, he was born with Down Syndrome. 3rd child at 20. The entire time, spending all cash assistance, and SSDI on meth, and crying to Daddy to pay her bills. She has went through 5 cars, numerous boyfriends, always goes back to the 2 Baby Daddys in the picture, who are both dealers/users. She has moved 8 times. Daddy continues to pay deposits, move her, hand out money, and "save" her.
He and I have 3 children together so I interact with him frequently. After her last child was born 3 months early, I started asking him, when he thought he might want to stop supplying her drug money. He was furious as well as oblivious. Apparently doesn't see how what he does enables her, and didn't believe she was using.
She is 23 now. Was picked up last month for a variety of charges all focused around the selling of hydros and meth, within 1000 ft of a school and doing the deal at her apt, in front of 2 of her kids, so child endangerment. When she was arrested, they took the kids and placed in foster care. Her bond was $50,000. Her Dad was floored. AND, still teetering on believing the "I was set up" story.
Some 50 yr old man put up $5,000 to bail her out. Dear Dad still couldn't see that hmmm, the supplier bailed her out to make sure he wasn't getting narc'd on.
She was out a lil more than a week, and was picked up on a violation of bond, as she had a dirty UA.
NOW. MY part in all this. 2 years ago she went off on me, because I refused to babysit for her, give her money, etc. So. I flat out said enough. Unless your clean and sober, don't come around. I don't want to hear it, I am not watching your kids for hours on end, I have no money to give to you, nor would I. So, for the last 2 years I have been a no good piece of crap to her. I'm good with that.
AND then the codie comes out. Her Dad would much rather sweep the problem under the rug and continue paying all her bills. He refuses to pay for counseling and rehab. Thats cool. I refuse too, but not for those reasons. I feel she needs to come straight out of jail, and straight in to rehab, and then straight in to 1/2 way house. I discussed this with the Ex and he just said, well, I don't have the money.
So, today I am trying to find a rehab that would work with her. Our local Salvation Army referred to local rehab which is self pay or insurance. Salvation Army doesn't pay. Local Rehab said call health Department. Health Department referred back to Salvation Army.
I'm not necessarily trying to find free. I'm looking for a rehab that will take her to begin with, then work out a payment plan with her. She has never been real good at details, so I just want to provide the info to her, and let the choice be hers, as I don't want to hear, I can't go to rehab because I don't know how.
Then the other side of me says, eh, hasn't been my problem for 2 years, why bother now?
My justification? I'm not an addict, in support of my RAH, I don't even drink at all, and I am fairly smart, and yet I can't even find a rehab for her, so how the hell should I expect her to be able to do it?
I will take all criticism, advice, useful or useless info provided. I welcome all of it.
It is SOOOOOOO hard to see them flailing and not jump in----with everything
you've got. You get a terrific 'grateful' vibe when you press the Benjamin into
their palm....like a drug high, but as you get farther and farther, the worse YOU
feel. Because you know all you did was prolong their suffering. Also,of the two
parties, YOU are the responsible party. They are addicts doing what addicts do.
Without money they are a rocket without fuel.
My best counsel is the hardest. Disengage. Interact ONLY when she says she
needs info on, or a ride to.... the Salvation Army.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Originally Posted by incitingsilence
Vale there is another side to the ignorant and sometimes flat out vile comments that I have heard relayed and witnessed over the years. Some of those saying the most horrendous of things or reacting in the most bizarre and obnoxious ways were hugely in denial with a lot to keep secret and addicts themselves. For others is was pain and I’ve seen that real close to home with my sister who’s response to my son’s addiction was tell him I will see him at his funeral. But if you listened closely and got through the garbage she was saying it really came down to a comment later in the conversation of look how you were as a teen … Well now who’s this conversation about him or me?
Sure there are some evil people out there, who are flat out mean but some have pain behind their words we can’t always see or understand in the moment.
I have been known to say a lot that other’s reactions are so based on what is in them and not so much what is going on around them or the actions of the people in their lives. Even with the debate of disease or choice which is fascinating in itself, most opinions come back to what one lived, what was taught maybe in dysfunction, what they sought on their own in a healthy way or just need to believe at times so they can be ok and feel safe in this world as only they view it.
A bit convoluted I find …
Aboutdone … You should start a new thread, this way you will get more responses and support. Maybe one of the moderators can help there???
If she wants to be done she can and will find a way. I just can’t believe that there isn’t someone who she can talk to especially being in the system that won’t have some resources to offer her. Surely she has some public defender? I am quite sure she has a voice and can ask questions. The resources are there if she asks for help. Also dialing 211 works, she can make that call all on her own and find every resource in the area. And the Salvation Army Adult Rehab Program is free but they are not in all areas.
And no you are not responsible to find her a rehab. If you want to give her resources and numbers to call great, but you don’t need to do any of the leg work she can do that herself.
Sure there are some evil people out there, who are flat out mean but some have pain behind their words we can’t always see or understand in the moment.
I have been known to say a lot that other’s reactions are so based on what is in them and not so much what is going on around them or the actions of the people in their lives. Even with the debate of disease or choice which is fascinating in itself, most opinions come back to what one lived, what was taught maybe in dysfunction, what they sought on their own in a healthy way or just need to believe at times so they can be ok and feel safe in this world as only they view it.
A bit convoluted I find …
Aboutdone … You should start a new thread, this way you will get more responses and support. Maybe one of the moderators can help there???
If she wants to be done she can and will find a way. I just can’t believe that there isn’t someone who she can talk to especially being in the system that won’t have some resources to offer her. Surely she has some public defender? I am quite sure she has a voice and can ask questions. The resources are there if she asks for help. Also dialing 211 works, she can make that call all on her own and find every resource in the area. And the Salvation Army Adult Rehab Program is free but they are not in all areas.
And no you are not responsible to find her a rehab. If you want to give her resources and numbers to call great, but you don’t need to do any of the leg work she can do that herself.
Incitingsilence,
Very valid points. Kind of like the political sphere. People feel they have
to be seen as "tough" --in order not to be perceived as weak.
"Nuke 'em, throw away the keys" types.
Like you, I find when people 'go off' in unpredictable ways there is a story
they are leaving out.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Hi All... wow being the Lady of the House is the hardest job in the World.. Being a Mom is even harder.. what would we do for our children.. keep them safe first always and formost ... try to protect them from themselves.. my Parents never had problems like this with the 4 of us girls .. well us two older at least .. the other 2 it was the 70's and then my little sister the 80's... my kids watched GrandDad and knew that his drinking had done so much to harm me on the inside and my way in reacting to outside problems.. so the 3 of them never did much that would harm the 4 of us.. and then we never had much but the me and my kids... Dad's my Daughter talked about her Dad this weekend.. she is going thro a very hard divorce..20 years of good marriage and good jobs.. good life and no kids .. very little drinking. as they both develope special software for computer companies... and then Pop it was gone.. she said Mom.. Dad is so Funny.. calls me on the cell phone gets my voice mail This is Melanies Dad. and then his name and then pause and mmmmm and pause and mmm and dead air and hang up.. we laughed and talked ... my Point..
I think God or the being that created everything had us be the Moms why because 90% of us have to be at the top of our game every minute.. Dads well lets give 10% of them at the top of the game all the time.. and 90% have no clue.. except to toss money at the problem.. seems like that is the answer for a billion years.. or like my 1st husband, just did not ingage in the problem to help the out come... now he has huge regrets that he will take like my Pop to the death bed.. how do you help someone else's child ... babe protect stand tall Hold the Damn High Ground and keep leaving bread crumbs so that something changes in the path of a child that is on the outside of that circle... have Blue Star Moms that chat on a special area for these problems Family Children PTSD Drugs Drinking abuse and Death.. yep.. helped that group start and now we have what a couple of hundred in different directions.. and 8.5 million Moms and a Couple of Dads on the sights like this.. we care for each other open thoughts with out back lash.. and hope that we can aid just a little each day .. for a better day.. and when the time comes that the flag is laid across the box... we are there in line arm and arm... together and all the friends see the respect and Honor we have for each other and families and how much we will give to hold all tight.. sorry... long day yesterday my 64th and my daughter tried well tried.. semper fi STAND TALL HOLD THE HIGH GROUND AND KEEP PUNCHING a Blue Star Mom.. oooooaaaaarrrhhhhhh Army Strong well some of the time.. love and so many prayers to all ardy
I think God or the being that created everything had us be the Moms why because 90% of us have to be at the top of our game every minute.. Dads well lets give 10% of them at the top of the game all the time.. and 90% have no clue.. except to toss money at the problem.. seems like that is the answer for a billion years.. or like my 1st husband, just did not ingage in the problem to help the out come... now he has huge regrets that he will take like my Pop to the death bed.. how do you help someone else's child ... babe protect stand tall Hold the Damn High Ground and keep leaving bread crumbs so that something changes in the path of a child that is on the outside of that circle... have Blue Star Moms that chat on a special area for these problems Family Children PTSD Drugs Drinking abuse and Death.. yep.. helped that group start and now we have what a couple of hundred in different directions.. and 8.5 million Moms and a Couple of Dads on the sights like this.. we care for each other open thoughts with out back lash.. and hope that we can aid just a little each day .. for a better day.. and when the time comes that the flag is laid across the box... we are there in line arm and arm... together and all the friends see the respect and Honor we have for each other and families and how much we will give to hold all tight.. sorry... long day yesterday my 64th and my daughter tried well tried.. semper fi STAND TALL HOLD THE HIGH GROUND AND KEEP PUNCHING a Blue Star Mom.. oooooaaaaarrrhhhhhh Army Strong well some of the time.. love and so many prayers to all ardy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 53
The HARDEST thing to accept is that I can't just walk over to my AH and say what the hell are you doing to yourself !!! I think about our life prior I have resentment and hate but love at the same time I blame it all on drugs and I could be wrong at times but I have become a neurotic Lunatic bc of this.
Alllll those conversations i thought i got somewhere ha!!! What a joke it meantnothing!!!
With that being said i do have compassion I still love him and wish and pray one day he cuts these things out of his mind for good.. I was really mad when I posted this its not somthing you really wanna call your friend and talk about so Thanks again everyone sending hugs and prayers ..
Alllll those conversations i thought i got somewhere ha!!! What a joke it meantnothing!!!
With that being said i do have compassion I still love him and wish and pray one day he cuts these things out of his mind for good.. I was really mad when I posted this its not somthing you really wanna call your friend and talk about so Thanks again everyone sending hugs and prayers ..
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I think compassion is a great thing but it kept me stuck until I had some healthy detachment. I still have several feelings about my husband's addiction. While compassion is one, I won't deny there are many others like anger, hurt, disappointment, and sadness. For me, compassion allowed me to make too many excuses for him. I think it is easier to feel compassion when your are at a safe distance away from addiction.
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