Its just unfair.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 35
Its just unfair.
I don't know why I'm still posting.
I'm really tired tonight. It's hard to describe. I said in my first post that I'd been through some things in my life, but managed to get through them okay. The things are not insignificant things, but I got through them, because that's what you're supposed to do. This school was supposed to be the payoff. This relationship was supposed to work. This time things were supposed to be better. Instead, my ex is back on heroin, in just as much danger as always (which is still hard to know and live with, even if I am very cognizant of my inability to make even the slightest impact on that), and my heart's broken and I feel like I have less left in me than ever.
I'm almost jealous of him sometimes. He gets a precious few hours when he feels amazing on drugs. I got all the ****, and none of the perks, and nobody who understands. He gets sympathy for struggling with addiction, and I get that I should've known better, and that he looked like trouble, and that I was asking for this.
I feel so kicked.
I'm really tired tonight. It's hard to describe. I said in my first post that I'd been through some things in my life, but managed to get through them okay. The things are not insignificant things, but I got through them, because that's what you're supposed to do. This school was supposed to be the payoff. This relationship was supposed to work. This time things were supposed to be better. Instead, my ex is back on heroin, in just as much danger as always (which is still hard to know and live with, even if I am very cognizant of my inability to make even the slightest impact on that), and my heart's broken and I feel like I have less left in me than ever.
I'm almost jealous of him sometimes. He gets a precious few hours when he feels amazing on drugs. I got all the ****, and none of the perks, and nobody who understands. He gets sympathy for struggling with addiction, and I get that I should've known better, and that he looked like trouble, and that I was asking for this.
I feel so kicked.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Oh, kiddo...
You're not giving yourself enough credit. And don't make the mistake of conflating how he feels under the influence to what you're feeling now.
What you need to remember is when we go to college, the question that's out there, but never explicitly asked, is what sort of price are you willing to pay to get ahead. And when you let him go, you answered that question: you were not willing to allow a sick person to hijack your future. Yes, you love him. Yes, you care for him. But you threw up a hard boundary, and whether you're aware of it or not, you're doing a really solid job maintaining it.
When I was a little bit older than you, I had a make a tough call on someone that I loved dearly. And I let her go, because at that point in my life, I couldn't be what she needed to be. It sucked. But it was the right call.
As we get older, the decisions become more complex, the unintended consequences less predictable. What you're going through right now is meant to prepare you for this.
I finished my MS Electrical and Computer Engineering last year, and my last semester, I worked full time while taking the hardest course in my department (adaptive signal processing) along with advanced electromagnetics in the physics department. To say it was difficult's an understatement, but dammit, I f**king did it and walked with my class two weeks later in the rain. My hope is that you, too, get to experience that sort of pride in your accomplishments. You're well on your way, and I have every confidence that you will.
Re: your AXBF...there are some people we move on from that fade away, and then there are some we carry forever. It is too soon to tell what he's going to be. There is nothing, repeat, nothing wrong with caring for him, or even loving him. But if he were still in the picture, what sort of distraction would he be?
He has chosen heroin. Which means he's chosen a path of willful, complict self destruction. And whatever euphoria he may feel when he gets that rush, I can assure you, will pale in comparison to the rush you'll feel once your undergrad is the bag. And if you continue on to grad school, which is about a million times hard, that rush once it's in the bag, is unreal.
He's chosen self destruction. You've chosen hard work.
So when you feel down, tell yourself you're gonna f**king finish it, lower your shoulder, and charge.
You're not giving yourself enough credit. And don't make the mistake of conflating how he feels under the influence to what you're feeling now.
What you need to remember is when we go to college, the question that's out there, but never explicitly asked, is what sort of price are you willing to pay to get ahead. And when you let him go, you answered that question: you were not willing to allow a sick person to hijack your future. Yes, you love him. Yes, you care for him. But you threw up a hard boundary, and whether you're aware of it or not, you're doing a really solid job maintaining it.
When I was a little bit older than you, I had a make a tough call on someone that I loved dearly. And I let her go, because at that point in my life, I couldn't be what she needed to be. It sucked. But it was the right call.
As we get older, the decisions become more complex, the unintended consequences less predictable. What you're going through right now is meant to prepare you for this.
I finished my MS Electrical and Computer Engineering last year, and my last semester, I worked full time while taking the hardest course in my department (adaptive signal processing) along with advanced electromagnetics in the physics department. To say it was difficult's an understatement, but dammit, I f**king did it and walked with my class two weeks later in the rain. My hope is that you, too, get to experience that sort of pride in your accomplishments. You're well on your way, and I have every confidence that you will.
Re: your AXBF...there are some people we move on from that fade away, and then there are some we carry forever. It is too soon to tell what he's going to be. There is nothing, repeat, nothing wrong with caring for him, or even loving him. But if he were still in the picture, what sort of distraction would he be?
He has chosen heroin. Which means he's chosen a path of willful, complict self destruction. And whatever euphoria he may feel when he gets that rush, I can assure you, will pale in comparison to the rush you'll feel once your undergrad is the bag. And if you continue on to grad school, which is about a million times hard, that rush once it's in the bag, is unreal.
He's chosen self destruction. You've chosen hard work.
So when you feel down, tell yourself you're gonna f**king finish it, lower your shoulder, and charge.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Dear S.
You are really tired... makes us more emotional. Not that you don't have your reasons.
You are in school, you have a future, you are not an addict on heroin. things will get better for you.
even though he may temporarily 'feel amazing', he is killing his self.
sometimes a gratitude list helps. getting rest. eat right. and don't forget to do some nice things for yourself.
Letting go is hard, but hanging on and causing yourself pain will get old. It will get easier , I promise.
who cares what anyone else thinks about your business? You are doing what is right for yourself... and that is the most important thing. we all make bad choices, sometimes something good turns bad.. we don't always know what will happen.
I am sorry you are hurting. He has to get to the place where it hurts more to continue than it does to stop. It may take him a while, may not. I am sure it hurts to see.
but eventually, your survivor spirit will kick in, I am sure of it.
take care of you. thats your job, and you can let go of the rest.
You are really tired... makes us more emotional. Not that you don't have your reasons.
You are in school, you have a future, you are not an addict on heroin. things will get better for you.
even though he may temporarily 'feel amazing', he is killing his self.
sometimes a gratitude list helps. getting rest. eat right. and don't forget to do some nice things for yourself.
Letting go is hard, but hanging on and causing yourself pain will get old. It will get easier , I promise.
who cares what anyone else thinks about your business? You are doing what is right for yourself... and that is the most important thing. we all make bad choices, sometimes something good turns bad.. we don't always know what will happen.
I am sorry you are hurting. He has to get to the place where it hurts more to continue than it does to stop. It may take him a while, may not. I am sure it hurts to see.
but eventually, your survivor spirit will kick in, I am sure of it.
take care of you. thats your job, and you can let go of the rest.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
You may not see or feel it now, but you have made good, healthy choices. Don't think about what others say or judge you for. You have learned important life lessons that no other experience could teach you. Let go of the judgement of yourself. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I managed to finish my PhD despite a bitter divorce, a heroin addicted teen daughter, and many other financial and personal setbacks. I also had a strong spirit, a loving support network, and determination. You are good. Just keep your eye on the road, don't look back. Take care, too. Of yourself!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi, I'm sorry you're feeling so down-hearted. Try not to get run down and make sure you're looking after yourself and eating properly. Sound like your Mum?!
It's hard for you, still seeing him in class, especially as he is so persistent. Try not to guess what others are thinking; they probably have a good idea what's going on, and truly, people don't care that much. Addiction is often a dirty secret, and I don't see why you should keep his for him when he's harassing you. Different if he left you in peace.
Hope you're feeling better in the morning.
It's hard for you, still seeing him in class, especially as he is so persistent. Try not to guess what others are thinking; they probably have a good idea what's going on, and truly, people don't care that much. Addiction is often a dirty secret, and I don't see why you should keep his for him when he's harassing you. Different if he left you in peace.
Hope you're feeling better in the morning.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
There is nothing romantic about heroin addiction and you are wise to step as far away from it as possible.
It's a cliche to tell you that you have a lot of life ahead of you and happiness will come again, in a healthier way, but it is a cliche because it has proven to be true by those who have walked through the pain and come out the other side wiser for the journey.
What helps, I think, is to remain in "reality", not in the "what if's" or "if only's" or "maybe one day". Face what is instead of dreaming of what could be "if only". Keep your balance and keep walking, girl. You'll be okay, even though it hurts right now.
Hugs
It's a cliche to tell you that you have a lot of life ahead of you and happiness will come again, in a healthier way, but it is a cliche because it has proven to be true by those who have walked through the pain and come out the other side wiser for the journey.
What helps, I think, is to remain in "reality", not in the "what if's" or "if only's" or "maybe one day". Face what is instead of dreaming of what could be "if only". Keep your balance and keep walking, girl. You'll be okay, even though it hurts right now.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
Stay the course. I know the last semester / year is tough as you are feeling burned out and wondering what will this land me, but believe me, it is your path to the future whatever that may be.
I dropped out of my last year because I couldn't deal with my alcoholic mother's drama anymore and I moved
to San Francisco and had a great two years in the "regular" workforce but realized I wanted more from life, and ended up finishing my BA, two MAs, and a PHD still dealing with a crazy mother.
Don't let anyone distract you from your dreams. It is so easily done, but not always possible to fix. Time doesn't stop but momentum certainly can.
Finishing my education opened the door to a wonderful career, and I am so glad I stuck with it instead of spiraling down into care-taking an addict.
You do this education thing for you.
Believe me, he isn't having all that much fun.
Reality catches up pretty darn quick to addicts when they have no soft place to fall.
It is very sad, but sooner or later they end up alone in the wee hours of the morning, buzz gone and hurting for a life of meaning and connection.
After anger, compassion. . .
I dropped out of my last year because I couldn't deal with my alcoholic mother's drama anymore and I moved
to San Francisco and had a great two years in the "regular" workforce but realized I wanted more from life, and ended up finishing my BA, two MAs, and a PHD still dealing with a crazy mother.
Don't let anyone distract you from your dreams. It is so easily done, but not always possible to fix. Time doesn't stop but momentum certainly can.
Finishing my education opened the door to a wonderful career, and I am so glad I stuck with it instead of spiraling down into care-taking an addict.
You do this education thing for you.
Believe me, he isn't having all that much fun.
Reality catches up pretty darn quick to addicts when they have no soft place to fall.
It is very sad, but sooner or later they end up alone in the wee hours of the morning, buzz gone and hurting for a life of meaning and connection.
After anger, compassion. . .
K9 Trainer, Ret. Sys Engr
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 389
Originally Posted by carguysgirl 
And dear girl-no one ever said life is fair!
is hope for the hopeless.
Get your education, I finished my degree when I was 50!!! The doors it opened for me were unbelievable. You are just worn out, I was there last week, not wanting to post or go to my 12 Step meetings either, I was done.
Thought one more post for the road. Many of the people posting on this thread gathered around me and cared for me ministering to my brokenness and revived me.
Life is still not great, but it is ok today and I know if I stay on plan, it will get better because I darn well refuse to give up to someone else's insanity. That is what addiction is, insanity... you sweet child are so precious and deserve the right to make your future amazing.
Huggs
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