gingasaurus

So, it's been a couple weeks since I posted. I have been working on establishing a new routine for myself and trying to figure out where I want to go from here.

I've been to two Al-anon meetings so far with the same group. I'm looking for other meetings because I've found them fairly helpful. Yesterday it was about ten minutes until the end of the meeting and I was just wishing it would end. The discussion was on step three and being an atheist all the god talk started to make me uncomfortable. I know that it's about finding a higher power and trusting in god as you understand him, but I'm not quite there yet and I didn't know how to deal with it. Anyway, someone in the last ten minutes decided to share and their share was just exactly what I needed to hear. It made the whole thing worth it. I found myself nodding along and getting misty while they spoke and it certainly put some things in perspective for me.

Well, fast-forward to today and my ABF and I got some pretty shocking family news. It's not necessarily bad, but it did blindside us and I'm suspecting it's much more upsetting to him as a father than to me as a somewhat outside observer. So tonight he decided to drink. Normally I would go to the bar with him, hold his hand, look over his shoulder at every text message, all that. Tonight, I told him to take me home, I came upstairs and started working on my book and when he came home I didn't take my headphones out or really acknowledge him.

He sulked for a long time. He wanted to play a game, I said I didn't feel like playing a game. He kept pestering me about it and I finally told him "You went out and made your decision to drink and then you came home and expect me to drop everything to entertain you and I'm not going to do it." So he sulked some more.

He's out with a friend now, picking up drugs and he keeps calling me every five minutes. It's driving me crazy and I'm trying to just love him from a distance and let him do what he's going to do without inserting myself or trying to take care of him or be responsible for him. I keep reminding myself that he's a big boy and can wipe his own butt and answer for his own mistakes, but it really is hard to break these old habits.

He was sulking to the point that he told me "I feel like the only thing that makes sense is for us to break up because this is how I handle things and you don't want to put up with it." I know that's just an addict's manipulation, trying to get me to apologize or engage in a discussion about why I don't want to leave him or whatever, but I didn't do it. I just kept my mouth shut and let him pout.

I feel like a bad girlfriend. It reminds me of that episode that nearly every sitcom with a baby has in which the parents try to ignore their baby's crying in order for the baby to learn to self-soothe, but it always breaks their heart to hear their baby crying and throwing a fit. Even though it's for the best in the long run to let him throw his tantrum and not run to his rescue, I'm really struggling with being okay with it.

He didn't have to choose drinking as his means of coping with this news. I asked him to talk to me. He wouldn't do it. Then after a few beers he came home and wanted to talk and I wouldn't do it. He threw out a "I'm glad you're so perfect" at me and I said "I'm not perfect, but when I'm feeling sorry for myself I don't ruin other peoples' lives with my decisions." I know it wasn't tactful, but he was making me angry.

I don't know what I want to do anymore... I just want tonight to be over.

sojourner

believe it or not, this is all good stuff. His reactions are typical for your changing that habit. If you can get a copy of Clean and Sober (Michael Keaton), look for the scene where the addict is trying to convince his rehab counselor to use the phone (against the rules). You will see your situation right up there on the screen!

Anyway, keep going to meetings. Changing the dynamics of any relationship is hard - but multiply that times 10 when that relationship involves an active drug/alcohol user.

You are doing the right thing. Keep coming back here. Keep going to those meetings. This is the best thing you can do for you and for your boyfriend!

zoso77

Actually, the way you handled this was very kind. He made the decision to drink. And you made a decision to not try to fix things for him. He has to learn how to deal and cope with things on his own. He's not a child; he's an adult.

Continue to take care of you.

jjj111

G, you are very wise to see that his talk of breaking up is a reaction to you taking some healthy space for yourself. I remember when I started distancing myself from my AXBF, I was amazed to realize that I did actually have some power in the situation. You are taking some very positive steps, keep at it! You can't fix him, and he may continue to use and deal with his problems in unhealthy ways, but you can certainly choose a happier way of life for yourself!