Can he do it on his own?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: indianapolis, indiana
Posts: 7
Can he do it on his own?
Hi there,
I just joined but I am not the addict, its my husband. I am 34 years old and have been with my husband since I was 16. we have 3 amazing kids, one of which has bone marrow failure, she has a life threatening blood disease that is very rare, on top of that she is a teenager that has become depressed due to her illness and dealt by cutting and suicidal thoughts. she recently finished a very intense partial inpatient program that seemed to help a lot but still has her days. my husband has always been an addict looking back, but I never realized it until a few years ago. he has tried every drug there is almost, was a binge drinker, loves opiates, will take them any chance he gets, he will even steal them from you. a few years ago I had had enough of the drinking and told him it was the alcohol or us, he quit. he replaced it with illegal opiates and is currently addicted to illegal suboxen from which is supplied to him a work, where he is a very successful floor supervisor for a pharmaceutical shipping company. they don't ship anything he could take, just diabetic meds and such. 3 weeks ago he detoxed for 2 weeks and this past week he used 4 out of the 7 days again. he normally uses mon thru fri and sat is ok but sun hes jerk to everyone. I didn't know until today he used last week when he was being very mean I questioned it. he will not seek help on his own and today i told him I couldn't do it anymore. he says of course give me one more chance I am done, im not gonna do it again. I need help, I don't know how to live without him, I have been with him almost as long as I have been alive, I cant take care of 3 kids on my own with one being ill. is all of this just another one of his lies and why do I keep being sucked back in all these years.
thanks for any help
I just joined but I am not the addict, its my husband. I am 34 years old and have been with my husband since I was 16. we have 3 amazing kids, one of which has bone marrow failure, she has a life threatening blood disease that is very rare, on top of that she is a teenager that has become depressed due to her illness and dealt by cutting and suicidal thoughts. she recently finished a very intense partial inpatient program that seemed to help a lot but still has her days. my husband has always been an addict looking back, but I never realized it until a few years ago. he has tried every drug there is almost, was a binge drinker, loves opiates, will take them any chance he gets, he will even steal them from you. a few years ago I had had enough of the drinking and told him it was the alcohol or us, he quit. he replaced it with illegal opiates and is currently addicted to illegal suboxen from which is supplied to him a work, where he is a very successful floor supervisor for a pharmaceutical shipping company. they don't ship anything he could take, just diabetic meds and such. 3 weeks ago he detoxed for 2 weeks and this past week he used 4 out of the 7 days again. he normally uses mon thru fri and sat is ok but sun hes jerk to everyone. I didn't know until today he used last week when he was being very mean I questioned it. he will not seek help on his own and today i told him I couldn't do it anymore. he says of course give me one more chance I am done, im not gonna do it again. I need help, I don't know how to live without him, I have been with him almost as long as I have been alive, I cant take care of 3 kids on my own with one being ill. is all of this just another one of his lies and why do I keep being sucked back in all these years.
thanks for any help
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Rochester Hills
Posts: 13
Hey fearfullymade,
welcome and I'm in the same boat and ask myself the same questions. I'm not the addict also, it's my girlfriend and we have been together 4 years. She is addicted to prescription Adderall and I was oblivious to her addiction to be honest until I began taking the pill with her and enjoyed the high. But just like your husband, my girlfriend would say the same thing and give the same promises but go back and do the same thing.
I sure hope we can figure this out somehow.
welcome and I'm in the same boat and ask myself the same questions. I'm not the addict also, it's my girlfriend and we have been together 4 years. She is addicted to prescription Adderall and I was oblivious to her addiction to be honest until I began taking the pill with her and enjoyed the high. But just like your husband, my girlfriend would say the same thing and give the same promises but go back and do the same thing.
I sure hope we can figure this out somehow.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: indianapolis, indiana
Posts: 7
I don't know if I can do it anymore, everyone says get support go to meetings, we'll I don't want to! I don't think I should have to do anything else. I think the rest is up to him. I have backed him for almost 20 years. I'm a mess, I'm tired, I have 3 active kids with little lives their selves not to mention work and all the Dr appts, therapy sessions for me and 2 of the 3 kids and giving treatments myself to my daughter. I don't want to do it anymore
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Originally Posted by fearfullymade 
I don't know if I can do it anymore, everyone says get support go to meetings, we'll I don't want to! I don't think I should have to do anything else.
There is nothing you can do to make hime sober.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Yes the support is for you. Learning to detach from the addict in whichever way to choose is not an easy task! You should NOT have to do this on your own but it seems with or without him that you are....
Is there any family available?
Is there any family available?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: AZ
Posts: 309
I understand the not wanting to go to meeting. I was there myself. But, its hard to explain. You see, once I started going, I forced myself to keep going. I was angry like you. But now, my life is easier because I go. I love them! Wish I would have went years ago. I am seperated from my AH right now, and I am learning to love myself and, to be honest, learning to enjoy my children again. I was so wrapped up in him, I lost sight of my life. Angry I had to do everything, or remind him to do things, or pick a fight for him to help. The meetings help. IMO, go to them for one month, and if you hate it, don't go anymore. Just a thought from someone who was in your shoes for a long time. 😆
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: indianapolis, indiana
Posts: 7
The only family I have here is my mom and dad and his parents. My mom is very ill and I would never tell her what's going on or my dad because he has to much to worry about with my mom. His parents know he is an addict. They don't know he is an active user tho and I could tell them but they just bash and I don't want to hear it. Does that make sense. It's like I hate him right now but I don't want anyone else to hate him. Ugh! That makes no sense what is wrong with me.
happy, joyous an free!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
Originally Posted by fearfullymade
I'm a mess, I'm tired, I have 3 active kids with little lives their selves not to mention work and all the Dr appts, therapy sessions
meetings for me became something i decided to do for me and initially was the only thing that seemed a choice that i could make for me. i also started therapy and i am glad you are doing that for yourself. alanon has helped me learn how to take care of myself no matter what the person with addiction in my life chooses to do. and my life got better. not perfect, but better.
sending good thoughts to you sweetie and blessings for a quieter day for you. imagine yourself surrounded by a big pink cloud of caring coming from all of us here who care - because we do. you are not alone. keep posting. SR is a great place to get it out and getting it out in itself helps bring me some clarity in the midst of chaos.
ps. in my opinion he can quit on his own but to stay clean he needs ongoing support of some kind...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
It depends if he really is committed to quitting,
and you cannot control that.
What you can control is what you are able / willing to do if he relapses.
Sometimes the pain of staying is worse than the pain of splitting.
It really sounds like you have years of hurt and pain, and I do think meetings would help.
I'm so sorry you have such a heavy weight carry with your family.
I wish you peace and a clear path forward.
and you cannot control that.
What you can control is what you are able / willing to do if he relapses.
Sometimes the pain of staying is worse than the pain of splitting.
It really sounds like you have years of hurt and pain, and I do think meetings would help.
I'm so sorry you have such a heavy weight carry with your family.
I wish you peace and a clear path forward.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board.
That's a scary place to be emotionally. If you didn't have children with him, your situation wouldn't be as scary. I feel for you.
Hmmm...I understand your reluctance to go to meetings. There was a time 3 years ago where I shared this view. But going to Al Anon or Nar Anon isn't about the addict. It's about us. It's about people with shared experiences and situations who come together to offer each other strength and hope. In my case, those meetings literally saved my sanity.
None of us know everything, after all. None of us have all the answers. And when you open your mind to hear the experiences of other people and how they dealt with and continue to deal with the addicts in their lives, you recognize that you're not alone after all. The biggest takeaway I got from Al Anon is the addict is going to do whatever it is they do, regardless of what we do or don't do for them. And because that is always true, it is imcubent on us to do what we need to do to safeguard our lives and our sanity. The addict has their life; we have ours.
No one can make you go to meetings. But you should ask yourself what do you have to lose?
Nothing. Nada. Zilch.
What is there to gain? Simple; as much or as little as you decide.
I'm glad you found us, and we'll stand by you as you're going through this difficult time.
ZoSo
I need help, I don't know how to live without him, I have been with him almost as long as I have been alive, I cant take care of 3 kids on my own with one being ill.
I don't know if I can do it anymore, everyone says get support go to meetings, we'll I don't want to! I don't think I should have to do anything else.
None of us know everything, after all. None of us have all the answers. And when you open your mind to hear the experiences of other people and how they dealt with and continue to deal with the addicts in their lives, you recognize that you're not alone after all. The biggest takeaway I got from Al Anon is the addict is going to do whatever it is they do, regardless of what we do or don't do for them. And because that is always true, it is imcubent on us to do what we need to do to safeguard our lives and our sanity. The addict has their life; we have ours.
No one can make you go to meetings. But you should ask yourself what do you have to lose?
Nothing. Nada. Zilch.
What is there to gain? Simple; as much or as little as you decide.
I'm glad you found us, and we'll stand by you as you're going through this difficult time.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
It sounds like you have so much to deal with everything's maybe reached a boiling point ? If I read your post right, your in therapy already? Have you talked to your T about the situation? I dont go to meetings, but I use a counselor, and online resources like SR to help me. Not every decision has to be made today. You reached out here and its a good step !!
Can I ask about your husbands suboxone use? Has he been trying to use it to maintain a normal level, or is he only using it to get high? There are a lot of people here on the substance abuse and suboxone forums who use it to get off harder drugs, and its considered a maintenance drug and then they slowly taper off. It can be a good thing if used correctly.
It sounds like your husband has a long history and I think needs his own counseling, probably needs to get a legal prescription of suboxone and work with his doctor to eventually taper off. Would it bother you if he took it IF he was not high, mean to you while he worked with a doctor?
Can I ask about your husbands suboxone use? Has he been trying to use it to maintain a normal level, or is he only using it to get high? There are a lot of people here on the substance abuse and suboxone forums who use it to get off harder drugs, and its considered a maintenance drug and then they slowly taper off. It can be a good thing if used correctly.
It sounds like your husband has a long history and I think needs his own counseling, probably needs to get a legal prescription of suboxone and work with his doctor to eventually taper off. Would it bother you if he took it IF he was not high, mean to you while he worked with a doctor?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: indianapolis, indiana
Posts: 7
I honestly though alanon was to help deal with the addict. I didn't know it was for the other person. So that helps a lot. Bluechair he uses it to get high. Nothing he has ever used was for the good.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I don't know how to live without him, I have been with him almost as long as I have been alive, I cant take care of 3 kids on my own
but haven't you been doing just that? living without him - when he's high, or thinking about getting high, or rounding up pills, or stealing pills from somebody else he is certainly NOT THERE for you. or the kids. have you considered that some of your daughter's issues just might stem from living with an active addict dad? that's a lot of stress on kids....when they have a parent more interested in the next high than them.
you can manage. you HAVE been managing. i'm not sure that 16 is the best age to make life long commitments.....maybe what seemed like a good idea to the teenage you turned out to be not such a great decision to the 30-something you. he isn't exactly up for the Father/Husband of the Year award......
but haven't you been doing just that? living without him - when he's high, or thinking about getting high, or rounding up pills, or stealing pills from somebody else he is certainly NOT THERE for you. or the kids. have you considered that some of your daughter's issues just might stem from living with an active addict dad? that's a lot of stress on kids....when they have a parent more interested in the next high than them.
you can manage. you HAVE been managing. i'm not sure that 16 is the best age to make life long commitments.....maybe what seemed like a good idea to the teenage you turned out to be not such a great decision to the 30-something you. he isn't exactly up for the Father/Husband of the Year award......
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Rochester Hills
Posts: 13
Fearfullymade,
I totally understand your pain cause sometimes I feel like that with my girlfriend. I feel at times like I don't want to do this anymore. Not because I don't love her or care about her, but because I'm starting to see a pattern with her to where she quits taking Adderall and goes into this obsessive compulsion with liquor and now obsessing over this girl she's talking to.
But I see for you, it's unhealthy for your kids to witness this and be affected by it. The fact that you guys are going to therapy is a great thing, you get a piece of mind and let everything out. 20 years is a long time to stick it out trying to help an addict and I commend you for it, but do you feel resentment over giving up your life? I mean I know none of us planned to be in love with an addict, but do you feel like you resent him?
I went to a meeting with my girlfriend yesterday and one thing I took from it was that the addict has to want to change and there's nothing more we can do for them. Supporting them in whatever they want is the only thing we can do. I have gotten to a place here recently to where I try to live my life and do what I want. So far it actually feels great to be outside of the addiction. Try doing you for a change. Go for a walk, go to the park, go sightseeing, etc. I'm learning now that the addict has to take it from here, it kills me though cause I want to do more for my mate, but I'm afraid I've done all I could.
Hope I helped some :-)
-Aqua
I totally understand your pain cause sometimes I feel like that with my girlfriend. I feel at times like I don't want to do this anymore. Not because I don't love her or care about her, but because I'm starting to see a pattern with her to where she quits taking Adderall and goes into this obsessive compulsion with liquor and now obsessing over this girl she's talking to.
But I see for you, it's unhealthy for your kids to witness this and be affected by it. The fact that you guys are going to therapy is a great thing, you get a piece of mind and let everything out. 20 years is a long time to stick it out trying to help an addict and I commend you for it, but do you feel resentment over giving up your life? I mean I know none of us planned to be in love with an addict, but do you feel like you resent him?
I went to a meeting with my girlfriend yesterday and one thing I took from it was that the addict has to want to change and there's nothing more we can do for them. Supporting them in whatever they want is the only thing we can do. I have gotten to a place here recently to where I try to live my life and do what I want. So far it actually feels great to be outside of the addiction. Try doing you for a change. Go for a walk, go to the park, go sightseeing, etc. I'm learning now that the addict has to take it from here, it kills me though cause I want to do more for my mate, but I'm afraid I've done all I could.
Hope I helped some :-)
-Aqua
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: indianapolis, indiana
Posts: 7
Aqua8601,
I would tell you that if you don't have any reason to stay other than you just love her, I would leave. If I had known then what I know now I would have left a long time ago. I told my husband to leave that he had to be out by Friday and he begged and begged and said he's done with it that he is to old and that he was gonna prove to me that he wasn't going to use anymore. Today is Friday and he hasn't used all week but we will see. If he uses again he Wil have to leave I can't deal with the stress anymore. I hate that because I do love him but being in love doesn't have anything to do with it anymore. You will get sick of it I promise. I am a pretty patient person and very resilient obviously but this time enough was enough.
I would tell you that if you don't have any reason to stay other than you just love her, I would leave. If I had known then what I know now I would have left a long time ago. I told my husband to leave that he had to be out by Friday and he begged and begged and said he's done with it that he is to old and that he was gonna prove to me that he wasn't going to use anymore. Today is Friday and he hasn't used all week but we will see. If he uses again he Wil have to leave I can't deal with the stress anymore. I hate that because I do love him but being in love doesn't have anything to do with it anymore. You will get sick of it I promise. I am a pretty patient person and very resilient obviously but this time enough was enough.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Philly burbs, NJ
Posts: 99
Originally Posted by fearfullymade
The only family I have here is my mom and dad and his parents. My mom is very ill and I would never tell her what's going on or my dad because he has to much to worry about with my mom. His parents know he is an addict. They don't know he is an active user tho and I could tell them but they just bash and I don't want to hear it. Does that make sense. It's like I hate him right now but I don't want anyone else to hate him. Ugh! That makes no sense what is wrong with me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 15
I feel like I am in a similar boat. My daughters father has struggled for a while with alcoholism AND addiction to opiates for a while but it got really bad in the past year. We have an 8 month old and the whole time I was on maternity leave (which I got extended for a whole 8 months) I found myself just taking care of him. I don't want to be without him either so I stick around. I am still hoping that for some reason he can make it through recovery successfully and so can I. Still trying to find a few people who have stayed in relationships with their spouse through the beginning stages of recovery.
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