Why do always take the bait?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
Why do always take the bait?
I ALWAYS say I am getting better at it, and I believe I am. You should of seen me 3 years ago. I'm rambling and venting. Here goes...
Why do I always take the bait.
I want to get to the point where I receive contact and I don't have to talk to my friends, question how to respond, jump onto SR and vent. Always questioning whether or not I am doing the right thing...yadda yadda yadda.
It's annoying.
It wouldn't be so complicated if a child weren't involved, but there is.
I want to keep my child protected, I want my child to have a father, I want to do everything correct according to the courts.
A month ago I received contact after a year in a half. Of course it was unapologetic...total red flags that he is still using. I told him what I wanted from him, and got ignored...yet again. But then I feel anxious and question myself and I ALMOST responded. Like I always do. But, this time I didn't. He needs to take responsibility and do something. I need to focus on my life. My ah ha moment this time was he is not my friend. He is not my husband. Unfortunately, my dream of co=parenting and being great friends is a dream. I accepted this and it felt good. Who cares about him, let's focus on me, my life and being happy. Because life is about being happy. I'm getting there.
So, today we got a letter. I read it to my son and he wrote him back. BUT the letter was sent to the wrong address and almost a month ago...before he even got my first letter...to which I have gotten no response to. When I figured out that this letter to my son was written almost a month ago I felt like I got hoodwinked yet again...always trying to handle things correctly and fairly like he is sober. But, why should we respond? He has ignored my letter stating all boundries. It has been a peaceful and quiet month...will our response to an old letter wake up the bear? Here we go...the questioning...
I hate dealing with an addict. I hate dealing with an addict. I hate dealing with an addict. Everything revolves around them. And they are the most selfish people. My son is sick tonight, and guess who is dealing with it? ME.I am ALWAYS cleaning up the mess, and worrying about my sons whole being...and I get no credit. I get ignored. But, damn if I ignore him. Because I always have to do what is right, what is fair. But, there is no fair in addiction.
I'm over it. I'm just going to be nice. And if I don't feel comfortable doing something, then I am not going to do. I'm going to stop analyzing the situation. At some point I just need to step away, still protect, but let their relationship be whatever it is it will be. I am the facilitator. No emotions, but protect. It is time to let go even more than I have already and focus on ME!
Bottom line, I don't want him to so much control over my emotions anymore.
I don't want to feel anxious, angry, depressed or disappointed. So, I need to set my boundries and put up a wall. He can't come into my world anymore.
My wall is getting bigger on a daily basis.
Always learning and growing.
Why do I always take the bait.
I want to get to the point where I receive contact and I don't have to talk to my friends, question how to respond, jump onto SR and vent. Always questioning whether or not I am doing the right thing...yadda yadda yadda.
It's annoying.
It wouldn't be so complicated if a child weren't involved, but there is.
I want to keep my child protected, I want my child to have a father, I want to do everything correct according to the courts.
A month ago I received contact after a year in a half. Of course it was unapologetic...total red flags that he is still using. I told him what I wanted from him, and got ignored...yet again. But then I feel anxious and question myself and I ALMOST responded. Like I always do. But, this time I didn't. He needs to take responsibility and do something. I need to focus on my life. My ah ha moment this time was he is not my friend. He is not my husband. Unfortunately, my dream of co=parenting and being great friends is a dream. I accepted this and it felt good. Who cares about him, let's focus on me, my life and being happy. Because life is about being happy. I'm getting there.
So, today we got a letter. I read it to my son and he wrote him back. BUT the letter was sent to the wrong address and almost a month ago...before he even got my first letter...to which I have gotten no response to. When I figured out that this letter to my son was written almost a month ago I felt like I got hoodwinked yet again...always trying to handle things correctly and fairly like he is sober. But, why should we respond? He has ignored my letter stating all boundries. It has been a peaceful and quiet month...will our response to an old letter wake up the bear? Here we go...the questioning...
I hate dealing with an addict. I hate dealing with an addict. I hate dealing with an addict. Everything revolves around them. And they are the most selfish people. My son is sick tonight, and guess who is dealing with it? ME.I am ALWAYS cleaning up the mess, and worrying about my sons whole being...and I get no credit. I get ignored. But, damn if I ignore him. Because I always have to do what is right, what is fair. But, there is no fair in addiction.
I'm over it. I'm just going to be nice. And if I don't feel comfortable doing something, then I am not going to do. I'm going to stop analyzing the situation. At some point I just need to step away, still protect, but let their relationship be whatever it is it will be. I am the facilitator. No emotions, but protect. It is time to let go even more than I have already and focus on ME!
Bottom line, I don't want him to so much control over my emotions anymore.
I don't want to feel anxious, angry, depressed or disappointed. So, I need to set my boundries and put up a wall. He can't come into my world anymore.
My wall is getting bigger on a daily basis.
Always learning and growing.
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