Do contracts work? Anyone ever so it?
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 59
Do contracts work? Anyone ever so it?
My AH is in rehab right now. He says he's going to go to meetings and do step work and get a sponsor when he leaves and wants to come back home. People have told me to do a contract and put in it all the boundaries you want them to do. Like saying he has to go to counseling and meetings and if he doesn't go have consequences for it which I dunno what I would do for that and it has to be a drug free home. If he gets high he has to leave. Has anyone tried this? Has it worked for anyone ? I don't know to believe what he says so just want some input. Thanks
Clever Yak
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
The concept of contracts are good to lay out clear boundaries, but it's not like they actually force the person to stay clean. Nothing does that except the addict themselves. He's going to do what he wants...if he really wants to go to meetings and get a sponsor and all that, then he'll do it on his own without a need for a contract about it.
The only benefit I see to it would be that you are able to set clear boundaries up with him regarding drugs. Then he has the choice of following those boundaries or not...
The only benefit I see to it would be that you are able to set clear boundaries up with him regarding drugs. Then he has the choice of following those boundaries or not...
Boundaries don't tell him what to do; those would be rules. Boundaries are for YOU to decide what you will and will not live with. They spell out what YOU will do if he crosses your boundary.
Rules:
he has to go to counseling and meetings;
If he gets high he has to leave.
Boundary:
I will not live with an addict who isn't working a strong program.
A contract isn't really worth anything because you have no legal authority to back it up. If his name is on the deed or on the lease (if you rent), then you cannot force him out.
Attending alanon meetings would be very helpful for you. You will learn how to take care of yourself regardless of what he decides to do or not do. You don't have to live with active addiction, but at the same time, you cannot control what he does.
Rules:
he has to go to counseling and meetings;
If he gets high he has to leave.
Boundary:
I will not live with an addict who isn't working a strong program.
A contract isn't really worth anything because you have no legal authority to back it up. If his name is on the deed or on the lease (if you rent), then you cannot force him out.
Attending alanon meetings would be very helpful for you. You will learn how to take care of yourself regardless of what he decides to do or not do. You don't have to live with active addiction, but at the same time, you cannot control what he does.
well as far as drinking
my wife put me on lifetime probation
drink and she's gone
can't blame her after my last two major slips (crashes)
do I stay sober only because of her -- heck no
but -- I do understand her position and love having her around
I see having her in my life as one more blessing
brought to me because of my sobriety
so yes I would say lay out the contract -- can't hurt -- may help ??
MM
my wife put me on lifetime probation
drink and she's gone
can't blame her after my last two major slips (crashes)
do I stay sober only because of her -- heck no
but -- I do understand her position and love having her around
I see having her in my life as one more blessing
brought to me because of my sobriety
so yes I would say lay out the contract -- can't hurt -- may help ??
MM
I had my XAH sign a contract. It did not do a thingand we are divorcing. My attorney did say it was good to have in case i had to go to court to keep him out but i did not. I think you can one time lay out your own rules and boundaries, just make sure your plan if he relapses. Beyind that, encouragement is about it. His recovery is up to him!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
I like the way Ann put it. It is for YOU and a reminder to the both of you what you are willing to tolerate.
I had one for my daughter, after rehab. It didn't work....it looks more like rules and enforcing them were difficult. I don't want to be the police!
I had one for my daughter, after rehab. It didn't work....it looks more like rules and enforcing them were difficult. I don't want to be the police!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
My AH is in rehab right now. He says he's going to go to meetings and do step work and get a sponsor when he leaves and wants to come back home. People have told me to do a contract and put in it all the boundaries you want them to do. Like saying he has to go to counseling and meetings and if he doesn't go have consequences for it which I dunno what I would do for that and it has to be a drug free home. If he gets high he has to leave. Has anyone tried this? Has it worked for anyone ? I don't know to believe what he says so just want some input. Thanks
That was our version.
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
This is not actually a legal contract. A contract requires consideration. Both parties have to lose something in order to gain something. Here, he is losing the drug use but is gaining the ability to stay in the house. BUT you are gaining nothing, and losing nothing. Hence, not a contract.
This is not enforceable. And of course he knows that-if one day down the road he decides to use again, he knows that there is not a thing you can do about it. And you best believe, if that happens, he will try that excuse.
However, that doesn't mean you can't do it anyway. IF he relapses, you can say he knew of the consequences ahead of time and this is no surprise. And then of course, you also have it all written out on paper to remember what you said-because you may forget. And then you can act on it.
This is not enforceable. And of course he knows that-if one day down the road he decides to use again, he knows that there is not a thing you can do about it. And you best believe, if that happens, he will try that excuse.
However, that doesn't mean you can't do it anyway. IF he relapses, you can say he knew of the consequences ahead of time and this is no surprise. And then of course, you also have it all written out on paper to remember what you said-because you may forget. And then you can act on it.
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