learning..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Urbandale, Iowa
Posts: 11
learning..
I have never read so much information in such a short amount of time! I am getting the didn't cause it and cant cure it thing but I am having a hard time knowing when I or my daughter is being codependent or when we are being loving and encouraging. I think I can sit on the outside and see now where my daughter is struggling with the codependency stuff. Lately in the last couple of weeks there have been more and more arguments between her and AB . All centered on her accusing him of using or trying to get him to lay down and go to sleep or crying because he is being mean and short with her. I am hearing these arguments early morning hours. She even went as far as to videotape him "nodding off" I can clearly see these behaviors are co dependent. Thinking and reading the last couple days, I am wondering if this is a good step to advise her...
If AB exhibits clearly high behavior can she say "You have used" I know he will deny and then can she just dismiss the conversation by saying. I know you are lying and when you are ready to get clean , I will be here to help.
What has been happening is argue argue argue. Finally I see peace wanting to be kept by both parties and my daughter going into...maybe this time is for real mode.
Would this help her to feel as I she is addressing the issue but getting away from trying to convince him to be honest when he obviously wont.
I am also curious as to why sometimes he admits a little. LIke last weekend he admitted to use on Sat night. (heroin) they talked it through and he said that was it.
I also think from reading that if he is serious about stopping then he will be willing to have an action plan.
I am sorry if this is a lot of questions, I feel like my head is full trying to understand this and navigate through this.
If AB exhibits clearly high behavior can she say "You have used" I know he will deny and then can she just dismiss the conversation by saying. I know you are lying and when you are ready to get clean , I will be here to help.
What has been happening is argue argue argue. Finally I see peace wanting to be kept by both parties and my daughter going into...maybe this time is for real mode.
Would this help her to feel as I she is addressing the issue but getting away from trying to convince him to be honest when he obviously wont.
I am also curious as to why sometimes he admits a little. LIke last weekend he admitted to use on Sat night. (heroin) they talked it through and he said that was it.
I also think from reading that if he is serious about stopping then he will be willing to have an action plan.
I am sorry if this is a lot of questions, I feel like my head is full trying to understand this and navigate through this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Urbandale, Iowa
Posts: 11
intervention?
I am also wondering when and intervention is necessary? I have been reading a bit about that lately too. They started seeing an addiction counselor last week and have a second appt this wed. Is that the place for my daughter to speak up ?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Brenda, one thing we learn here is that we cannot change or fix others, it's up to them to do that.
Intervention requires professionals and often fails even then, for the same reason. All the begging, shaming, threatening, encouraging and love in the work cannot make an addict change. If it could not one of us would be here.
If you want to find some peace in your life, maybe try some meetings. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us here. There are also other groups, family groups, church support groups, and many others that can help you and members of the family make it through the hard days and find your balance again...regardless of how the addict does with his/her life.
I hear your fear for your daughter, and you surely hear her fear too. Fear can eat us alive if we let it. Please try to find a way to let go and take care of your own issues with all this.
Hugs from another mama's heart.
Intervention requires professionals and often fails even then, for the same reason. All the begging, shaming, threatening, encouraging and love in the work cannot make an addict change. If it could not one of us would be here.
If you want to find some peace in your life, maybe try some meetings. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us here. There are also other groups, family groups, church support groups, and many others that can help you and members of the family make it through the hard days and find your balance again...regardless of how the addict does with his/her life.
I hear your fear for your daughter, and you surely hear her fear too. Fear can eat us alive if we let it. Please try to find a way to let go and take care of your own issues with all this.
Hugs from another mama's heart.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Brenda, I am really sorry for you and your daughter, for having to live this way.
Until he gets really desperately tired of using, he will do so. Nothing anyone can do or say, except support THEIR PLAN to recover, if it happens.
I hope you and your daughter can get to some meetings. Trying to make him want to change will make you both crazy. I hope you find peace.
Until he gets really desperately tired of using, he will do so. Nothing anyone can do or say, except support THEIR PLAN to recover, if it happens.
I hope you and your daughter can get to some meetings. Trying to make him want to change will make you both crazy. I hope you find peace.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 41
Hello Brenda, I am so sorry that this is happening to you and your daughter. But its encouraging that your daughter and her boyfriend are seeing an addiction counselor and I believe that your daughter should definitely speak up during this meeting about her suspicions. Although, her boyfriend will undoubtedly deny his involvement.
You, however, can take action. It sounds as though the boyfriend may be living at your house and using at the same time. Make it clear that you will not tolerate drug use in your home, period. The next time you see him dosing in your house, politely escort him out of the house, sit him on the curb and lock the door. You can allow him back in your house in 48 hours as long as he is clean. If he does it again, make it a week, and so on. You are in a difficult position because you don't want to risk alienating your daughter and possibly causing her to move out with him.
On another note, please make sure any valuables that you have in your house are safe. Every addict that I have ever met steals. They don't want to and feel terribly guilty, but they still steal and they usually steal from friends and family.
You, however, can take action. It sounds as though the boyfriend may be living at your house and using at the same time. Make it clear that you will not tolerate drug use in your home, period. The next time you see him dosing in your house, politely escort him out of the house, sit him on the curb and lock the door. You can allow him back in your house in 48 hours as long as he is clean. If he does it again, make it a week, and so on. You are in a difficult position because you don't want to risk alienating your daughter and possibly causing her to move out with him.
On another note, please make sure any valuables that you have in your house are safe. Every addict that I have ever met steals. They don't want to and feel terribly guilty, but they still steal and they usually steal from friends and family.
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