Responsibility??
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Responsibility??
I have learned so much here and I am willing to accept responsibility for my own choices and my own issues. In doing so, I have really worked hard at healing some old wounds, and changing my own thinking. Although, I am still a work in progress and need to learn to be more gentle with myself.
That said......
I realize I have taken all the responsibility and allowed my husband a free pass. You know, because he is "sick." Blah. I began to believe I was solely to blame for the destruction of my life because of my own choices. After all, no one held a gun to my head and forced me to stay with my husband.
Well, I am not buying into it anymore. I am putting most of the responsibility back on him!! He was a husband and a father and had a responsibility to himself and our family. He became addicted and had the responsibility to seek out an honest recovery. He chose not to.
I had no idea he had become addicted but he knew. Was I really supposed to know? I knew something was wrong and I was blamed for it all. I was being gaslighted, lied to, manipulated, and God only knows what else by a man I loved, trusted and who stood in front of God and promised to love, honor and protect me. He failed!! I didn't!
Living with an active addict can make anyone nuts, especially if you have no idea or ever experienced addiction. Should I be sorry that I tried to help him, save my family from utter destruction and keep my marriage? Should I feel shame for that?? I won't. I did the best I could with the knowledge I had. Shame on him for ever bringing this into our lives.
I will take responsibility that my own thinking became distorted and that I must do the hard work to correct it. I was probably always somewhat codependent in different areas but.........would it ever become so bad had my husband got addicted?? I don't think so. By the time I figured it all out, the deep dark secret he was keeping, so much damage was already done. It was gradual, diabolical, and intentional. I have no doubts. I was emotionally and physically exhausted and he used that to his advantage.
I am tired of taking the responsibility for everything wrong in my life. He caused most of this and for now, I am putting it back on him!! He caused this mess, he needs to own it. Yes, I feel victimized. I also accept that I became a willing participant but again based on lies and more lies. I still can't fathom how deceitful an addict can be because even on my worst Codie days, I could never think like that.
I am in the anger stage. I am no contact with him. I have no desire to be compassionate right now because my husband chose to take pills and destroy so much. He is a liar and a coward and I have zero respect for who he allowed himself to become.
Addiction is a family "disease", everyone suffers and it's starts with the addict. That's where I think the responsibility lies. (He was a grown man, not some kid who didn't have the life experience or the knowledge.)
I really don't know or even care if addiction is a choice or not anymore. The only thing I do know ....recovery is. His choice, his demise!! Not my problem!!
Now, I will ask God to take this burden from me. Grant me serenity, courage and wisdom.
That said......
I realize I have taken all the responsibility and allowed my husband a free pass. You know, because he is "sick." Blah. I began to believe I was solely to blame for the destruction of my life because of my own choices. After all, no one held a gun to my head and forced me to stay with my husband.
Well, I am not buying into it anymore. I am putting most of the responsibility back on him!! He was a husband and a father and had a responsibility to himself and our family. He became addicted and had the responsibility to seek out an honest recovery. He chose not to.
I had no idea he had become addicted but he knew. Was I really supposed to know? I knew something was wrong and I was blamed for it all. I was being gaslighted, lied to, manipulated, and God only knows what else by a man I loved, trusted and who stood in front of God and promised to love, honor and protect me. He failed!! I didn't!
Living with an active addict can make anyone nuts, especially if you have no idea or ever experienced addiction. Should I be sorry that I tried to help him, save my family from utter destruction and keep my marriage? Should I feel shame for that?? I won't. I did the best I could with the knowledge I had. Shame on him for ever bringing this into our lives.
I will take responsibility that my own thinking became distorted and that I must do the hard work to correct it. I was probably always somewhat codependent in different areas but.........would it ever become so bad had my husband got addicted?? I don't think so. By the time I figured it all out, the deep dark secret he was keeping, so much damage was already done. It was gradual, diabolical, and intentional. I have no doubts. I was emotionally and physically exhausted and he used that to his advantage.
I am tired of taking the responsibility for everything wrong in my life. He caused most of this and for now, I am putting it back on him!! He caused this mess, he needs to own it. Yes, I feel victimized. I also accept that I became a willing participant but again based on lies and more lies. I still can't fathom how deceitful an addict can be because even on my worst Codie days, I could never think like that.
I am in the anger stage. I am no contact with him. I have no desire to be compassionate right now because my husband chose to take pills and destroy so much. He is a liar and a coward and I have zero respect for who he allowed himself to become.
Addiction is a family "disease", everyone suffers and it's starts with the addict. That's where I think the responsibility lies. (He was a grown man, not some kid who didn't have the life experience or the knowledge.)
I really don't know or even care if addiction is a choice or not anymore. The only thing I do know ....recovery is. His choice, his demise!! Not my problem!!
Now, I will ask God to take this burden from me. Grant me serenity, courage and wisdom.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
You are and were only ever responsible for your own action, reactions, words and feelings … In accepting that responsibility you can learn who you are, why you are as you are (if you need to) and heal and find your passion, find your dreams, find your conviction.
From there it isn’t nor can it make sense. And it isn’t suppose to, I hope you know that, because how do you makes sense of what isn’t yours. Giving him back what is his, is just that. From there if you gave it back then it should become a mute point, and then hopefully you can let it go.
Forgiveness must be in the mix as well. To forgive yourself if need be and to forgive him for your own best chance, for what you need your soul filled with.
And then in time you find the good or so I found … because the pain was just so easy to focus on that I forgot the little things, the good that was there too.
(((hugs)))
From there it isn’t nor can it make sense. And it isn’t suppose to, I hope you know that, because how do you makes sense of what isn’t yours. Giving him back what is his, is just that. From there if you gave it back then it should become a mute point, and then hopefully you can let it go.
Forgiveness must be in the mix as well. To forgive yourself if need be and to forgive him for your own best chance, for what you need your soul filled with.
And then in time you find the good or so I found … because the pain was just so easy to focus on that I forgot the little things, the good that was there too.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Bravo!!! You should be so proud of yourself. You have changed your thinking, a lot!
You are right, it's just like any other disease. Does it really matter what caused it? Fact is, he has to take responsibility for this and get treatment. It's HIS responsibility. Don't forget those three C's, You did not CAUSE it, You cannot CONTROL it, and You cannot CURE it. There it is, all back on his lap. Every addict has a choice, that never changes. They can choose recovery, or choose to go on with the disease.
You however do have a choice. You can choose how you let this chaos affect you. You can choose how much you will tolerate in your own home and life.
XXX. I am so proud of how strong you have become!
Today, your recovery is shining!!!
You are right, it's just like any other disease. Does it really matter what caused it? Fact is, he has to take responsibility for this and get treatment. It's HIS responsibility. Don't forget those three C's, You did not CAUSE it, You cannot CONTROL it, and You cannot CURE it. There it is, all back on his lap. Every addict has a choice, that never changes. They can choose recovery, or choose to go on with the disease.
You however do have a choice. You can choose how you let this chaos affect you. You can choose how much you will tolerate in your own home and life.
XXX. I am so proud of how strong you have become!
Today, your recovery is shining!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
LMN, I can understand your frustration! I have gone through periods of feeling very angry at the addicts in my life. At times, that anger has helped me to take action to detach myself from the addict. At other times, it has hurt me by causing me to continue engaging with the addict because I felt like I deserved an apology, or better behavior. For me, anger also often swings like a pendulum into feeling remorseful and guilty for being angry at the addict. I have found that ultimately, the best place I can be, the place where I feel the most serenity and equilibrium, is loving detachment. On my more serene days, it's possible for me to know that the addict is not behaving the way I would like them to behave and also accept that I can't control that and am best off focusing on my aspirations for myself and my own behavior. Wishing you peace!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Right now, anger is a good thing for me. It is helping me stay no contact and it is helping me gain clarity. I was the queen of making excuses for him. I was quick to defend him. And I struggled with not holding him responsible for so much because he was "sick." I was a pro at splitting. Still thinking.....Oh the man I married would never of done this. Well, he did!! He didn't have a twin, it was him and no one else.
He used me, he abused me and he played me for a fool. And a fool I was. Am I supposed to own that too? Am I supposed to feel stupid for being so naive and gullible? Am I supposed to feel bad that I trusted him? I trusted him because I was trustworthy and never imaginaged how cunning and deceitful he could be. I am tired of beating myself up that I allowed so much destruction. I was easy prey for a such a con man and he knew it. He is very confident in his profession.....a pheninominal salesman. Now throw in addiction. What an evil, dangerous combination. I was simply no match for it. Should I have had to be? And I am tired of feeling like such a fool. No, no, no......I am not the fool.
With time, I know I will reach a more "healthy" place but right now....I am seeing it all for what it is and it angers me. I want nothing to do to with him. He is blocked and it feels good.
Please allow me to express how I feel. They are my feelings!! I have the right to be angry. My husband betrayed me to the core of my being. He did it all to protect something so evil too. He is in denial and distorting the truth but I can not or will not for another second.
He used me, he abused me and he played me for a fool. And a fool I was. Am I supposed to own that too? Am I supposed to feel stupid for being so naive and gullible? Am I supposed to feel bad that I trusted him? I trusted him because I was trustworthy and never imaginaged how cunning and deceitful he could be. I am tired of beating myself up that I allowed so much destruction. I was easy prey for a such a con man and he knew it. He is very confident in his profession.....a pheninominal salesman. Now throw in addiction. What an evil, dangerous combination. I was simply no match for it. Should I have had to be? And I am tired of feeling like such a fool. No, no, no......I am not the fool.
With time, I know I will reach a more "healthy" place but right now....I am seeing it all for what it is and it angers me. I want nothing to do to with him. He is blocked and it feels good.
Please allow me to express how I feel. They are my feelings!! I have the right to be angry. My husband betrayed me to the core of my being. He did it all to protect something so evil too. He is in denial and distorting the truth but I can not or will not for another second.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
He owns his behaviour, deceptions, and all he has done. My son owns his "stuff" too.
It was hard for me to separate the two, like you are doing now, because up to this point addiction was "our" problem, we just addressed it from two different angles.
Once I let go of thinking anything I said, anything I did, would change anything at all...once, I realized that he wasn't going to get clean until HE was ready no matter what he promised and no matter how I begged..I was able to let go.
Letting go meant just what you are doing. We own our stuff, we have our own damage to repair and our own recovery to find..and our own lives to lead without addiction being any part of it.
You just let go, LMN, you finally let his stuff be his stuff...and all that goes with it.
Now it's time for you to address your own damage, fix what needs fixing and learn to heal.
Welcome to "after we let go". It's not a bad place to be at all. I think you'll like it here, there is cheesecake and flowers and fresh air.
Hugs
It was hard for me to separate the two, like you are doing now, because up to this point addiction was "our" problem, we just addressed it from two different angles.
Once I let go of thinking anything I said, anything I did, would change anything at all...once, I realized that he wasn't going to get clean until HE was ready no matter what he promised and no matter how I begged..I was able to let go.
Letting go meant just what you are doing. We own our stuff, we have our own damage to repair and our own recovery to find..and our own lives to lead without addiction being any part of it.
You just let go, LMN, you finally let his stuff be his stuff...and all that goes with it.
Now it's time for you to address your own damage, fix what needs fixing and learn to heal.
Welcome to "after we let go". It's not a bad place to be at all. I think you'll like it here, there is cheesecake and flowers and fresh air.
Hugs
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
I am behind you all the way. I actually think getting anger out is a healthy thing. If you don't get it out and work through it, you will carry it around forever. His choices, his consequences.
XXX
XXX
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
I became so "responsible" when I lived with my XRAH during his active alcoholism...and you know what I am TIRED of being responsible all the time...and that is OK! I have not been responsible at all lately - and guess what people dealt with it and we all moved on and it's ok....I'm not saying I'm going to become chronically irresponsible all the time but you know what I mean, sometimes things are just what thy are. It's OK for you too - so some things aren't perfect or slide...so what right? and if he wants to blame you that's HIS problem...not yours unless you let it be.
I guess being less responsible in both thought and action for me was part of letting it all go.
Anger is not a bad emotion in fact IMHO not feeling anger is much worse than feeling it and owning it.
Personally I think you're doing great!
I guess being less responsible in both thought and action for me was part of letting it all go.
Anger is not a bad emotion in fact IMHO not feeling anger is much worse than feeling it and owning it.
Personally I think you're doing great!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Am I supposed to own that too? Am I supposed to feel stupid for being so naive and gullible? Am I supposed to feel bad that I trusted him? I trusted him because I was trustworthy and never imaginaged how cunning and deceitful he could be. I am tired of beating myself up that I allowed so much destruction.
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
Responsibility....
In my situation, I keep trying to tell people I am also responsible for recent events. Not everything, but enough.
I was angry at him for a long time. Not now. How can I be? He can't defend himself. All I can do now is be angry at myself. Because at the end of the day, I was horrible. I treated him so bad, because I was so angry (and rightfully so), but I didn't have to go about it the way I did. In retrospect, I guess I was trying to get him to go away and leave me alone, and it worked, but only for a while, until he would come back.
I still ask myself how someone could come back when someone like me would say the things I said, because I wouldn't have anything to do with me if I was talking to myself like that.
Yeah, his choices, his consequences, but his choices are also MY consequences. That's my problem right now. I could have been detached for the last 2 years and I would still feel that way. I have to pay the price now (as usual) for his choices. That should anger me, but it doesn't-just a whole lot of...sadness?
I guess it's because of the kids that I feel this way. If I didn't have them, I would still feel like this, but not to this extreme, because I am also responsible for their feelings and emotions, because they are children and don't know any better.
Of course, I also treat life as my personal courtroom drama-he used to tell me all the time I was prosecuting (not persecuting) him. I would be judge, prosecutor, and jury, and I think that wasn't my place. But I do take responsibility-not for everything, but I know I had a part.
In my situation, I keep trying to tell people I am also responsible for recent events. Not everything, but enough.
I was angry at him for a long time. Not now. How can I be? He can't defend himself. All I can do now is be angry at myself. Because at the end of the day, I was horrible. I treated him so bad, because I was so angry (and rightfully so), but I didn't have to go about it the way I did. In retrospect, I guess I was trying to get him to go away and leave me alone, and it worked, but only for a while, until he would come back.
I still ask myself how someone could come back when someone like me would say the things I said, because I wouldn't have anything to do with me if I was talking to myself like that.
Yeah, his choices, his consequences, but his choices are also MY consequences. That's my problem right now. I could have been detached for the last 2 years and I would still feel that way. I have to pay the price now (as usual) for his choices. That should anger me, but it doesn't-just a whole lot of...sadness?
I guess it's because of the kids that I feel this way. If I didn't have them, I would still feel like this, but not to this extreme, because I am also responsible for their feelings and emotions, because they are children and don't know any better.
Of course, I also treat life as my personal courtroom drama-he used to tell me all the time I was prosecuting (not persecuting) him. I would be judge, prosecutor, and jury, and I think that wasn't my place. But I do take responsibility-not for everything, but I know I had a part.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by greeteachday
I think it is indeed healthy for you to feel your anger and express it. The thoughts you expressed here caught my attention. I can understand feeling them - it's where I ended up too for awhile - thinking I was stupid, ignorant, naïve. I've come to realize that not only wasn't that true, but the only person who had those thoughts about me was me! I was my worst critic. Sounds like you are too. I hope releasing the anger helps you not only to stay no contact, but to stop beating yourself up too.
You are right, I am my worst critic. But I have no doubt that my husband exploited my naïveté. In fact, I read it over and over again.
PS. I love your signature line.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: AZ
Posts: 309
I cannot wait to get to a place of allowing my feelings to be "okay" or normal. I need to grow, and this week I feel like I have made a huge leap backwards. I put so much of my feelings into his behavior that I cannot move or breath. I need anger and raw truth from within.
Good job. Keep moving forward. So proud of your NC.
Good job. Keep moving forward. So proud of your NC.
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