gabriel01

I kind of a little bit lost. My bf is in the recovery. He has been very active in AA & NA. But I feel I first lost him in his addiction, & now I feel like I lost him to AA & NA.

Here is the situation.
He works from 8am - 5pm. He goes to workout after work for an hour. Then go to meetings at 7:30-9pm. Then stays for a bit for chatting. Come home and have dinner at 9:30-10pm. Take a shower and go to bed. He needs to go to bed early because he supposes to wake up an hour early before work to reading the big book & steps book. On Saturdays & Sundays, he wakes up then go to run trails with other AA members for 2-3 hours. Comes back, shower & eat. Stay for a while, then go to the meetings at night again. Sometimes in the between, he will go to meet up his sponsor to work on steps and hangout. And other times, other members will ask him out for coffee, like 3 times a week.

So I basically can't ask him out because of his schedule and I don't want to seem like disturb his recovery. But we don't do much anymore. Apparently last night, we finally went out for a movie after his meetings. Today, he told me he can't go out for movie at night after meetings anymore. Because he went to bed too late and couldn't wake up early to read. It's not good to tell his sponsor he didn't read because he went out for movie at night and couldn't wake up in time.

So, I dunno. Just wondering, is this normal for people and their spousal and family when As in recovery?

CodeJob

Hello Gabriel, I think this is a common issue. I think it is even written in the BB. Is your BF trying to do 90 mtgs in 90 days? Is he on a timeline for the steps? Early recovery is really hard - on everyone. The best advice I can give you is focus on you for a few months. Just watch and see how things go for him. But work on your own issues.

Best of luck and lots of patience to you!

gabriel01

He done the 90days. He got rid of his old drinking & addict friends. Now he meet a lot of friends in meetings. There is at least 10 people call him every week regularly. So one day a friend, he doesn't even have enough time to meet up with them to hangout. Also, even his sponsor pointed it out. He is a people pleaser. Whenever people call him, he will just go out. He even go to a Friday/Sunday meeting which is few cities away instead of a closer one, just because one of his friends likes to go to that one.

Just not sure is that how the relationship with an addict. I either lose him because of his addiction or meetings.

cynical one

The drugs left a giant void, he's now filling it with recovery. In time, things should be more balanced.

Something that may help you.
Pie Chart of Recovery

CarrieBear

my fiance is going in for an eval next week. what kind of drugs was he on? is that for severe drug use? I couldnt live with that for long, i hope its not recommended.

gabriel01

He relapsed to drinking & cocaine for a month or 2 last year. Then he went to AA one night & met his sponsor. They "clicked" instantly. Then he starts going everyday & follows everything his sponsor suggests to him. N he always likes to do exercise. Now he really wants to improve, so he goes to gym with his brother few days a week. Bought few equipments to home to exercise & running as many as he can. He even signed up a half marathon next month.

He asked if I wanted to go. But the first day, he will need to get ready & prepare. Then the second day he will be out running the marathon for the whole day. Third day, we will just come home. So I don't feel like spending $3-400 to just stay in the hotel by myself for the weekend.

cynical one

He seems to be doing good things for both his health and his recovery. Addiction is selfish as is early recovery. Only you can decide if this is what you want for you. I wish someone could tell you that it will only be X number of months, but every substance abuser is different in how much time they need to devote to their recoveries.

CarrieBear

a month or two? speechless I wouldnt waste the money to sit alone dont blame you. Were trying to figure all this out, doesnt sound good. how long have u been together?

gabriel01

He started the first drink with his brother. Then slowly relapsed the next month. I left him at the end of that month. He then started recovery.
We have been together almost 3 years.

gabriel01

I love him. But afraid this will be the rest of the relationship of my life looks like.

Ppls he hangs out with in the program been going to meetings like this for 5-6 years. One of them even just had his 45 years cake last month.

CarrieBear

mine got started because of his cousin. we postponed our wedding already bought a house together. thanks for the.info, hope it gets better for you. i dont know whats gonna happen with us

CarrieBear

makes no sense to me, do they have normal friends anymore or is all their time spent togegher ? doesnt sound like being well, no offense. we have a one year old i need him home, involved not hanging out with the guys.

gabriel01

Pretty much. They meet up for coffees before meetings. Then meetings last about 1.5 hours. Then chat up for another half an hour. So there is 3 hours everyday. Then he does he his steps with his sponsor 1/2 times a week. There is another 3hrs. Other times, either people call him chat for 15 mins and ask each other how's his day (2-3 people, then add up another hour). Just like Friday tonight now , they go out for dinner before meeting and probably will go to pools/bowling or other activities for their Friday nights. Now he spends time in meetings or AA members, instead of pub or party. Then tmr morning, he will go out for another 2-3 hours run with other members

Normal friends? All his old friends r either alcoholics or addict.

Ifnotforgrace

Addicts know little other behavior than excess. Everything they have done for years is often to an extreme. Addiction is also very self-centered. This does not change overnight.

Recovery DOES have to come first. You may not have noticed but he was not spending time with you to begin with..he was with his drinking buddies or at the bar/party.
So it not's something he's in tune with doing.

It is not unreasonable to ask that he skip the dinner BF the meeting at least twice a week or schedule activities with you on Fridays. Have you expressed your concerns directly to him?

You might want to give Al-anon a try or go to some open AA/NA meetings, since you too have been affected by alcoholism and may be in need of a recovery program of your own. One thing is for sure you can not maintain a relationship by yourself. It takes two willing people to make a partnership. If he spends time with you only because you beg him or out of guilt, nothing is gained. He needs to want to..just like his recovery, he has to want to be a part of it because it improves and enhances HIS life..no other reason is sufficient.

AnvilheadII

it sounds like what he's doing, his involvement with AA, is working for him. he's clean and sober and invested in a clean and sober life with clean and sober people. he also holds down a full time job and engages in physical activity....helluva lot better than drinking and doing coke!

there is no reason you couldn't go to the dinner before the meetings or to the bowling etc after...instead of resenting "these people" you could get to know his new cohort and be a part of his recovery activities.

when I first got sober a hundred years ago, ok 1987, I jumped in with both feet, attended tons of meetings, chaired meetings, had a sponsor, sponsored others, had a key to the hall, got to meetings early to make coffee, stayed late to clean up and chat, went to coffee, etc etc. I did that for years....then I met my future 2nd ex - he was involved with NA and I started going to NA meetings, nothing wrong with that, but I left MY base, my home group, my foundation. and my dedication to recovery started to slip.....I was no longer anchored. and at 7.5 years clean and sober, I chose to drink again. and that went on for a long time, then I found crack.

my involvement and commitment to AA, the program, helped keep me sober...like going to the gym helps keep you fit. the farther I got away from the program the closer I got to that first drink.

my ex has 21 years clean and still attends meetings.

might not work for everyone, but it does work!

CarrieBear

he spends over 40 hours a week in aa or with his pals and if he doesnt do his homework then his two hours with you are to blame? it sounds like hes afraid he will be treated like a child done wrong by this.sponser guy. i did a lot of reading online and now im worried he will be forced to do this by the court. I read it only works for 5% of the people who try it and doesnt work like i thought a couple months of learning in meetings and then your done, or go back once.in a while, its a lifetime gig like your describing. Im not having my.son living with.his dad always.running.off to aa or to hang with aa buds. 5-45 years no way.

AnvilheadII

delete

gabriel01

It's like a "guys" gathering for them. None of them bring their wife or gf. That's why he never invite me.

gabriel01

I don't think his sponsor is blaming on him for not reading or his step homework. I think it's more his own problem. He is kinda a people-pleaser. Especially to outsiders. But except to people close to him, like his family and me. He doesn't know when to say no to others. For example, couple weeks ago, I went to Costco to do grocery shopping, one of his AA friends asked us to help him to grab few cheese there. When he came over and picked them up, my bf gave him all the cheese in the fridge to him accidentally. So I asked him to ask his friend to bring the other cheese I bought for us when they go to the meeting. He somehow felt embarrassed or something to ask about that. So he rather went to buy those cheese again instead. Lol

CarrieBear

my fiance is like that with the cousin. he cant tell him no and wants him tho like him even when.the.cousin uses him. I think this people pleasing is something he was.to stop and stand up for himself but its like he wants.the.cousins approval so bad. dont you think this is a form of addictive behavior? not being able to tell others no, tell himself no, and say I need my.cheese back. Dont they work on this in the meetings and homework, doesnt his teacher there see it and tell him you dont need.to spend all your time with the program guys? get a bigger life after.more than what 4 months? this is what i worry about he will be.forcex.to.do this by the court and with.his people pleaser ways will think its all he needs.to do hang out with guys stay clean but.not better and.do this for life. I think my fiance needs.some kind of outpatient inits place.if we can afford it.

im uskng my.phone tiny keypad causes the . all over