Bad day/good day
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Derry
Posts: 45
Bad day/good day
I'm not sure if today is a bad day or a good day. Yesterday I caught my AH in another dumb lie. Not about drugs, not about missing money, not about anything worth lying about, but a big enough lie that I had to call him out on it. Couldn't just let it slide like the other stupid lies he's been telling. Lying - one of the things I said in the beginning was a game changer for me - lying - one of the things I've just come to accept as part of my life and never even realized I was compromising my happiness by always feeling like there was more to the stories he told, feeling like a private detective all the time.
I confronted him, and even though this was not about addiction, he reacted like an addict would. Covering his butt, lying more, looking blankly at me - then admitting to the mistake and promising it wouldn't happen again. I told him I couldn't be with someone I can't trust, and he replied with the honest answer of I don't think I can stop lying, it's easy for me and it's my knee jerk reaction. It hurt to hear that. I asked him, what kind of future are you offering me and he said a habitual one. So I did what I had to, for my own daughters, for my own sanity and I asked him to leave. I stood my ground, I deserve better. I've given him better, and should be getting that in return. He said he knew he wasn't good enough for me, said he was going to let me go because he can't change, and took my stepsons. Around 9 PM last night, panic set in, and I fell right back into my addiction - apologizing for something that is not my fault. Begging for him to come back, begging for my family, saying I would change, saying I would accept him for who he is. I cried, I was angry, I was terrified of the idea that I was really alone. He told me he doesn't love me, he told me he didn't want to be with me anymore, and even though my brain was screaming at me that this was his way of getting to me I begged him to reconsider. How did it go from me ending this roller coaster, to me feeling like he was leaving me? I have no idea how I get caught up in this horrible circle effect, but by 1 AM I was depressed and feeling like I had ruined my life. Two hours later (long night) I found my anger. I'm so angry that he turned it around, that he feels like he has the right to make me feel this way. I'm angry at myself for falling into it again, but I'm proud for seeing that. Today, I'm better. I'm stronger, for now. I asked his mother (who is watching my step sons) how the boys were today. She replied with basic information (because these children that I've raised but didn't carry, these children that I've supported are not mine, and I have no rights to them at all, even though I was their main caregiver, their support and the only sober parent they have ever had). She gave me a general they are fine, then proceeded to say, I'm sorry but he hates confrontation and runs from it, I'm sure he'll feel differently today She said she didn't know what to do. I lost it on her. THIS IS NOT HIS DECISION. I'm so tired of him using his parents house as a hideout when he screws up, tired of him taking the boys from me every time he does something so that I'm left with a void of where my sons used to be, tired of the bullcrap! I gave her some ideas of what she could do - stop allowing her grown son to behave like a spoiled teen every time he messes up, stop letting him take his sons from their home and run to theirs. Stop giving him a revolving door to run from his problems and make him face them. Stop enabling him to be a coward and make him be a role model to his sons. I also told her that I was angry with her, because his behavior pattern has been like this since he was 13 and somewhere in his upbringing they made him believe that this was ok. That he can royally screw up and they would always let him hide out there. Somewhere in his upbringing they let him know that they had no expectations of him because if they did, he would be too embarrassed to run back to mommy and daddy every time life got tough. I'm angry, and I'm tired, and I'm going to be OK, even though I'm alone, even though I miss those little boys, even though my AH and I have had way more laughs than hard times and I'm going to miss him very very much, even though I will always have love in my heart for him, I have to realize the behavior is an issue. The behavior was there before the opiate addiction, and it has never been corrected. Get in trouble, run away from home. Get in trouble in school, drop out. Get in trouble with drugs, move away from the family to Maine...run run run run - never correct the behavior just continue it. And every time, no matter how bad he has messed up, the open their in law apartment and he leaves his mess for others to clean up. I'm going to be OK, I have to keep telling myself that. It's going to be tough, staying strong and not caving in when he comes to move his stuff out. I'm going to have to be the strongest I've ever been, because I do love this man and when he's good, he's VERY good. It's just this habitual behavior that he will not correct, not even try to correct that I have to remember. The feelings of dread when he lies, the feeling of being punched in the gut when he messes up and then makes me feel not good enough. I have to hold onto that today. I'm sad, I'm in mourning of my family, I'm hurting for sure. But I also feel a little stronger than I did over these past 3 weeks, and I can only hope that feeling stays with me. I know it will be hard, but I'm going to do my best. Thanks for listening guys, it's good to know that I have people in my corner. I don't have parents left, so losing my in laws is taking a toll on my heart, but I have to stay strong. If I don't I'm going to lose my mind.
I confronted him, and even though this was not about addiction, he reacted like an addict would. Covering his butt, lying more, looking blankly at me - then admitting to the mistake and promising it wouldn't happen again. I told him I couldn't be with someone I can't trust, and he replied with the honest answer of I don't think I can stop lying, it's easy for me and it's my knee jerk reaction. It hurt to hear that. I asked him, what kind of future are you offering me and he said a habitual one. So I did what I had to, for my own daughters, for my own sanity and I asked him to leave. I stood my ground, I deserve better. I've given him better, and should be getting that in return. He said he knew he wasn't good enough for me, said he was going to let me go because he can't change, and took my stepsons. Around 9 PM last night, panic set in, and I fell right back into my addiction - apologizing for something that is not my fault. Begging for him to come back, begging for my family, saying I would change, saying I would accept him for who he is. I cried, I was angry, I was terrified of the idea that I was really alone. He told me he doesn't love me, he told me he didn't want to be with me anymore, and even though my brain was screaming at me that this was his way of getting to me I begged him to reconsider. How did it go from me ending this roller coaster, to me feeling like he was leaving me? I have no idea how I get caught up in this horrible circle effect, but by 1 AM I was depressed and feeling like I had ruined my life. Two hours later (long night) I found my anger. I'm so angry that he turned it around, that he feels like he has the right to make me feel this way. I'm angry at myself for falling into it again, but I'm proud for seeing that. Today, I'm better. I'm stronger, for now. I asked his mother (who is watching my step sons) how the boys were today. She replied with basic information (because these children that I've raised but didn't carry, these children that I've supported are not mine, and I have no rights to them at all, even though I was their main caregiver, their support and the only sober parent they have ever had). She gave me a general they are fine, then proceeded to say, I'm sorry but he hates confrontation and runs from it, I'm sure he'll feel differently today She said she didn't know what to do. I lost it on her. THIS IS NOT HIS DECISION. I'm so tired of him using his parents house as a hideout when he screws up, tired of him taking the boys from me every time he does something so that I'm left with a void of where my sons used to be, tired of the bullcrap! I gave her some ideas of what she could do - stop allowing her grown son to behave like a spoiled teen every time he messes up, stop letting him take his sons from their home and run to theirs. Stop giving him a revolving door to run from his problems and make him face them. Stop enabling him to be a coward and make him be a role model to his sons. I also told her that I was angry with her, because his behavior pattern has been like this since he was 13 and somewhere in his upbringing they made him believe that this was ok. That he can royally screw up and they would always let him hide out there. Somewhere in his upbringing they let him know that they had no expectations of him because if they did, he would be too embarrassed to run back to mommy and daddy every time life got tough. I'm angry, and I'm tired, and I'm going to be OK, even though I'm alone, even though I miss those little boys, even though my AH and I have had way more laughs than hard times and I'm going to miss him very very much, even though I will always have love in my heart for him, I have to realize the behavior is an issue. The behavior was there before the opiate addiction, and it has never been corrected. Get in trouble, run away from home. Get in trouble in school, drop out. Get in trouble with drugs, move away from the family to Maine...run run run run - never correct the behavior just continue it. And every time, no matter how bad he has messed up, the open their in law apartment and he leaves his mess for others to clean up. I'm going to be OK, I have to keep telling myself that. It's going to be tough, staying strong and not caving in when he comes to move his stuff out. I'm going to have to be the strongest I've ever been, because I do love this man and when he's good, he's VERY good. It's just this habitual behavior that he will not correct, not even try to correct that I have to remember. The feelings of dread when he lies, the feeling of being punched in the gut when he messes up and then makes me feel not good enough. I have to hold onto that today. I'm sad, I'm in mourning of my family, I'm hurting for sure. But I also feel a little stronger than I did over these past 3 weeks, and I can only hope that feeling stays with me. I know it will be hard, but I'm going to do my best. Thanks for listening guys, it's good to know that I have people in my corner. I don't have parents left, so losing my in laws is taking a toll on my heart, but I have to stay strong. If I don't I'm going to lose my mind.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm sorry you are going through this and hope things get better for you one day soon.
As you move forward with your life, you may be more comfortable contacting his family who has become your family too.
It sounds like you are doing the right thing, which is often the hardest choice of all but it is still the right thing in the end.
Hugs to you.
As you move forward with your life, you may be more comfortable contacting his family who has become your family too.
It sounds like you are doing the right thing, which is often the hardest choice of all but it is still the right thing in the end.
Hugs to you.
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