virgo27

I have nowhere to turn. I have been with my boyfriend for four years and love him so much. when he is sober he is sweet, caring and the best boyfriend. He got testicular cancer two years ago and had to have surgery and chemo. the doctors prescribed him a lot of pain killers. he is in remission but ever since he has had an opitate problem. It started with vicodins then percosets then oxycotin. went from every weekend to every day. When he is on it he is heartless, cold, mean, argumentative and unfaithful. He dosent care if im hurting until he is sober again. He gets sober for a couple weeks at the most cause he realizes how much I am hurting finally. For those couple of weeks I am so happy but so nervous because I know it wont last and this sweet boyfriend will turn into this completely different man and I sink back into my depression. I do not want to leave him I love this man and I hate to see him do this to himself. I worry about his health and overdosing. I want him to get better MORE THAN ANYTHING. all I can do is pray

suki44883

Welcome to SR, Virgo27. Glad you found us. There are many supportive people here.

Sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it is, but is the couple of weeks of him being sober and nice worth all the other times of him being heartless, cold, mean, argumentative and unfaithful? Is it worth the depression you go through? Don't you think you deserve better? I think you do.

Are you willing to live the rest of your life waiting on the two weeks worth of crumbs he tosses your way?

virgo27

you are right I know I deserve better. A part of me is scared to leave cause I worry about him overdosing so much and I want to be there for him during this time. I am sacrificing my happiness to do so though.. a part of me just hopes one day he will wake up and realize all he has done and stop cause he sees how much it has destroyed me and our relationship. When he is sober he expresses how much he wants to stay sober and fix it but one stress happens in his life and it seems he cant handle it without pills. We live together and I get anxiety waiting for him to get off work.... not knowing which side of him is going to come home. the sweet boyfriend I fell in love with him or the heartless drug addict that has slowly taken over.

suki44883

He can overdose anywhere at any time. You being there won't stop that. In fact, you being there makes it easier for him to keep doing what he's doing. He knows he has a soft place to land. As long as we make it easy for them, they have no reason to change. They face no consequences. They know you'll be there to pick up the pieces and pretend everything is okay.

Addicts must have consequences. They will not change unless they are so miserable that they cannot stand to live one more day doing the same thing over and over again.

You cannot change him. You can only change what you are willing to put up with. As long as he knows you are there, he has no reason to change.

virgo27

I know that something needs to change. I am just trying to build up the courage. I have never talked to ANYONE about it. this is how I know I am at breaking point. I need to vent. I have kept this in for to long and pretending like everything is ok for to long. I have gave him an ultimanium but I have never acted on it. he gets really bad withdrawels and he gets through them everytime I just don't understand after getting so sick and getting better how you could go back to that lifestyle that made you sick? I have never had a drug or alcohol problem so I realize I will never understand an addicts point of view. something has to change and ididnt realize it starts with me.

suki44883

YOUR salvation starts with you. You cannot save him. Whatever you decide to do, if anything, will be to save yourself. Doing anything in hopes that it will cause a light bulb to switch on over his head and convince him that he needs to change will more than likely disappoint you.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish for you every good thing. (((HUGS)))

virgo27

thank you so much. I really appreciate your words. I never talked to anyone about it because maybe I was in denial but I NEEDED to hear that. thank you

suki44883

You're welcome.

This is a good place to vent and ask questions and find support. I hope you'll post often and read around the forums. There is a LOT of experience, strength and hope to be found here.

Vale

Virgo27,
I never mentioned anything about it to anyone in the 'real
world' either. Having anything to do with 'this' does not fit AT ALL
with my chosen life.
That is why I came to SR. I found what I was looking for----and I
hope you do, too.

Vandermast

hey there...i am sorry about you situation but it really comes down to this;

he will use his drugs regardless of his love for you or not, if he is indeed an addict, and unless he gets clean, it will always be that way till he either od's or dies

now you have a choice, you can either hang around in the hope he gets better, or give him the ultimatum to seek treatment, so that he, and by proxy you can have a happier life.

you both have some pretty dire choices to make.

ps...I am in rehab, and my partner is a sober alcoholic...i was clean for many years, broke my neck, relapsed on painkillers then booze, etc....have been clean for 4 months, leaving rehab soon.

it can be done

and do not give up

v

Ohhappyday

You're story is so heartbreaking. Please reach out to this community where there is wonderful support and helpful information. Dealing with my husband and son, I have over time come to see what it means to be codependent and how I have a role in continuing the situation . Addiction is a terrible thing that radiates out effecting anyone who loves the addict. A loving person helps someone who is sick, right? Is always there for him? Sadly only he can make the decision to stop using drugs. It's very powerful stuff. Nothing we say or do can save them. But knowing you are there, must be important to him. It feeds the denial he has that he has it all under control. This is very difficult stuff. There are nar anon groups I'm sure in your area. When you feel up to it try a meeting.
I always felt that how I was handling my husband and son was a test of my love for them. But I have slowly , after so much pain and counseling come to realize its all been a test of my love for myself. Please take care of YOU!

tootsl1

Virgo, if your boyfriend seeks help with detox and therapy be there for him, but if he doesn't do everything he can to help himself stay clean, then he obviously doesn't feel your relationship is worth it. At that point walk away.
I left an alcoholic who then continued to drink himself to death, and am now in recovery with my own alcoholism being supported towards my first year sober, by my loving second husband. Recovery can happen, but the person involved has to want it.

virgo27

Thank you all so much. He has a way of turning things around on me so he thinks I overreact and put myself in the depression. He does not realize that the main problem is the pills. The worse he gets is when he does OxyContin it gives him energy so he says it helps him at work (he has a physical job) he turns into this horribly mean person he has angry outbursts constantly and then apologizes the next morning when he is sober and sings the same song.....change....a change that never lasts ... I am sick of living like I am walking on egg shells and when he is sober I'm nervous 247 cause I don't want our life to get how it is when he is on drugs. His father was an alcoholic and it eventually killed him.. His mother was miserable there whole marriage and stayed by his side.. I'm scared to wake up one day and be much older stuck in the same situation. Please pray for me

Vale

>>>>>>>>>>Please pray for me <<<<<<<<<<<

(we will)

graceandbeauty0

first i want to say i'm sorry you are in that situation. My xbf was a drug addict and had bad addiction. He was also very sweet and loving when he was sober, and thankfully he was never really mean or terrible to me if he was using, he would just ignore me or not really say things to me, or try to act like everything was okay but really it wasn't.

First think to realize is that he's not doing it to you on purpose. He has a disease and sadly when we first come into these rooms, we don't know much about addiction and blame is all on them. But take the time to read about addiction and what it is all about. It's a progressive disease that only gets worst if you don't treat it. Just think of it like his cancer, if he didnt' treat this cancer he would of died, same goes for his addiction. He has to want to get better, unfortunately you can not make him better.

Take care of you. You will know when enough is enough, but educate yourself and work on you. we tend to get very codependent on our loved ones and we stay because we feel like we can fix them and we feel guilty if we leave them while their suffering, but you have to respect yourself enought to take care of you.

You're in my prayers. God bless

sonyak

I am in the same situation right now and struggling to let go. You are not alone.

Praying for you

ShootingStar1

One of the hardest things for me to accept when my now XH's alcoholism progressed was that he wasn't two people - the good loving guy I fell in love with, and the bad guy hopped up on alcohol and mean. He was just one person who had two modes of behavior. This was who he was, and since he intended to keep on drinking, this was who he would continue to be.

My choice wasn't to hope that he would get better. It was to decide if I could live him as he was right at the moment. Because that was the best I was going to get.

The nature of addiction, whether it be alcohol or pills, is that it progresses. And with the progression comes further deterioration of the addict's health and their capacity to reason and behave in normal ways. The chemistry of their bodies and their brains is literally changed and changed for the worse.

The only solution is IF the alcoholic/addict chooses to dedicate their lives to stopping their addiction and recovering which means working an intense committed program to straightening out their addiction riddled thinking. As much as we who love our alcoholics want to, we cannot make them make this choice and we cannot change the progression of their disease if they do not choose sobriety.

What was hardest for me was giving up my dream that my husband would again live up to the potential I saw in him. And it was giving up the memories of the good times we had had, and there were many, which fed my hopes that we could live that way again.

All we can do for them is pray and make the choices that protect the integrity of our own lives and don't play into feeding their addictions.

For me, it was a huge amount of grief to leave, but now, 20 months later, I am rebuilding my life and it is a peaceful, quiet life without the chaos and drama of addiction. While I still miss what I once had in my marriage, I treasure the safety and solace of living on my own.

ShootingStar1

hopeful4

You love the man he was, he is no longer that person. You don't deserve this. I am sorry, there is no magic cure. You don't have a magic wand. Recovery from drugs is hard work every day forever. When and if he is ready to do that for himself he will. Until then, he will continue this cycle and it will accellerate. I am so sorry, that is just how addiction works. It robs you of the person who once was.

I recommend Naranon or Celebrate Recovery so you can find a face to face support group for you. Form boundaries you can stick to for yourself.

You are not alone, we will walk this with you.

sonyak

I hope you are having a little bit of a better day today

virgo27

I haven't been on here for a while. Sadly things got better for a few weeks. But even in those few weeks of sobriety where I had the man I loved back..everyday I stressed when I was at work worrying which man I was coming home to. And I can tell right when I walk in the door. It's two different people. Everything about him is different even the look in his eyes to his voice. It's crazy how that happens . And this side of him I have come to despise. I hate everything about this side of him. He says it's my fault we don't get along anymore and our fights but little does he know it ha everything to do with him. I do not get along with this drug addict that has taken over his body. The selfish mean unloving person that has taken a hold of my once loving sweet caring boyfriend. I have grief every day of my life.I cry myself to sleep every night knowing I only have one option left. I can't go on like this. I am so broken and depressed I don't remember the last time I truly felt happiness. And I used to feel happy all the time. I spend my time trying to think back to when things were good and wonder when it got so bad. I pray I get the strength to put myself first because living like this isn't healthy.