KF85

I had left 25 dollars at the house yesterday in case he needed gas. Last night I asked him if he got gas and he said "No, I didn't need it yet, I still have the money" and pulled out the 20 to show me it wasn't spent. I said "OH ok good, there was 25 though" And he said "Oh I have the other 5, it's around here somewhere." And you know what I did instead of push it and ask to see it and ask questions? I walked away and didn't dwell on it. Sitting here this morning do I wonder a bit? Yes. But I acknowledge there is nothing I can do about it. Missing 5 or 10 bucks here and there is a pretty mild habit if he has one and there is nothing to show or proof or anything. When there are clearer signs, there will be, and I will do what I need to (this time being leaving). But for now, it is what it is.

AnvilheadII

It might help if you are going to leave him a sum of cash to LET GO of what he does with it. make it an amount small enough and manageable enough that won't drive YOU crazy.

L0stH0pe

give yourself a big pat on the back girl being almost in the exact same place as you, i KNOW just how hard it was to detach, to let it go, to NOT ask that question. So, your post title should say "Progress!!!!!!"

im taking baby steps, im starting to accept that ill fall over, down, land on my ar$e, face, knees, head, upside down, downside up... but im also learning that each time i get up, i can take another step.. bit like toddlers learning to cruise while holding on to furniture. Right now, im making this place my sofa to cling to . The crazy train came, stopped and has departed without me aboard again this morning, sure, i may catch up with it later on in the day.. but for now, he is driving that sucker all by himself and without me.

It is so hard to drag your mind away from them, to not wonder and fret .. to find something productive to fill that void when you force yourself to stop. I have been amazed these last couple of days, just how much headspace i have allowed him to take.. and its taken a lot of thinking and at times getting downright creative to fill that space with other stuff.

Keep going, you are heading in the right way.. theres room on my platform if you fancy a spot

KF85

Well we are on a budget and he actually has me give him money as it's supposed to be budgeted because he has always been bad with money even before addiction so I have to be "somewhat" mindful of it. But not crazy like I was.

And thank you LostHope. Until I know something is up there is nothing I can do so I am coming to terms with that. The micromanaging helps no one. Life was much nicer last night when I didn't ask or harp.

L0stH0pe

yup KF that is EXACTLY where im at with AH, he doesnt financially contribute towards our household (or in any other way), so i had to make a decision that i was not going to give him any more money than i was comfortable with. Currently, i am refusing to give him any cash at all, i will buy him what he needs, but i will NOT give him cash. My go to answer is:Ask your Mum.
My mil has unfortunately always enabled both of her sons' addictions, when i brought AH's addictions (he is classed as a poly addict) to her attention, she literally said, oh well it has nothing to do with me (wish i could have that attitude, but then she doesnt have to live with him). She invariably sends him money, then demands to be "paid back" when she knows that he is not working and has no income of his own, but i am not putting that money up anymore. Im done and over giving pouring money into that endless pit.

Stay your ground hun, youre doing the best you can, that is all we can ever really ask of ourselves.

KF85

Yea he works, I just make more and have always been the one to budget and giving him an "allowance" for what he needs has always worked best. Of course back when he was using he would finagle his way to 60 dollars a day as "allowance" before things stopped ha. We are nowhere near anything like that and I still am not sure anything is going on, the fact that he ISN'T good with money can account for the small amounts that are unaccounted for anyway, so for now, I will not be in denial but I will also not jump to conclusions and worry myself when nothing productive comes of it!

L0stH0pe

at least yours works, mine doesn't.. and how does he fill his long days of boredom? by using.. urgh makes me so mad.. but again, there is nothing i can do about it other than control MY behaviour towards it and that, at the moment, is to not give him any cash, not one penny.
AH has admitted to not being good with money, but he wouldnt "allow" me to handle our finances until he had put us at risk of bankruptcy.. now the ironic thing is that im a qualified accountant!! Needless to say, since ive taken charge, financially at least i know now that we are secure, because *i* deal with it all, but that took the last bit of contribution he had to the household away from him and he is now fancy free and footloose to do what he wants/as he wants/when he wants.

I think all we can do for ourselves, is to regain some form of sanity and resolve and forge plans based on what is best for us and our kids, the addict only concerns himself with himself (or herself)... so maybe its time for us to be equally selfish.

FeelingGreat

Great reaction K, and perfectly appropriate to the situation. I assume he's not maintaining a habit on $5, and that's your biggest fear? So far so good.

hopeful4

Good for you. Time will tell what is going on, and there is no point in ruining all days until it does with worry and anxiety.

Have a peaceful day!

KF85

Yea I know it's silly. He's on suboxone and has weaned quite a bit and seems to be doing well. Just lately I have been nervous. More contact with "old friends", general evasiveness, etc. But I know he's tired of me asking questions and worrying too so that could be part of it. My fear is he is skipping his sub at least a couple times a week and doing a pill instead. Small potatoes compared to what we have faced in years past, and in reality, I may be reaching. Trying to work on myself and dialing back my suspicions and finally made a little progress last night.

L0stH0pe

this is what happens when i step off the crazy train for an afternoon:

ooops he was way too big sorry about that

try again:

KF85

I am vowing to stay off the crazy train until at least Monday. We will see how that goes. I want a nice quiet weekend at home without crazy making. And it starts with me.