Still trying to control from rehab center
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 22
Still trying to control from rehab center
My husband has now returned to treatment...I finally stuck by my word that he couldn't live here if he was using. That led to a wild binge and stranded with no where to go so he checked himself into rehab. He has been there about 2 weeks, starts classes on Monday but the problem is he is still trying to control things from there. He text me (which he isn't suppose to have his phone) and calls. He's been going to church (which is great) but now he wants to dictate my relationship with God and tell me that we need God the center of our marriage (duh...been saying that for the 4 yrs we been together) I am trying to let resentments go and it's hard. I want a healthy marriage but I feel he needs to work on him, let me work on me and then we can work on our marriage. I met with his counselor yesterday and warned her of his manipulation skills and his request for things. I didn't tell her he had the phone maybe I should. He isn't supposed to have contact for 30 days. He keeps saying that he is sober but things aren't going right...REALLY? What does he expect me to do? Jump for joy that he hasn't used for 2 weeks...ok, that's a start but we have been down this road several times. Actions not words is what counts. Im picking up the pieces financially (he destroyed that situation), trying to get my head straight (seeing a counselor and SR helps too), keeping my faith in God and he wants to bark orders. For example, his request yesterday was a copy of my phone records from December to see who text me on my birthday. I have nothing to hide...he is the one that would go missing for days, spend all the money, sell stuff from the house, then accuse me of having men in the house while he was out doing who knows what...REALLY? I don't feel he has any right to bark orders at this point. I don't check his phone for who's calling him or texting. Honestly, I think he has more than addiction as an issue...controlling, insecure and need to learn a new way of thinking. Why am I always the one accused of doing stuff...I work a lot and I come home...that's it...don't hang out with friends (not that I have many left) all my family lives in another state...I go to church and that is it.
What am I doing wrong...I think no matter what he is going to find something to pick at me about?
Will this ever change?
Sorry for the babbling but I have no place to vent...LOL
What am I doing wrong...I think no matter what he is going to find something to pick at me about?
Will this ever change?
Sorry for the babbling but I have no place to vent...LOL
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
It's good that he is in rehab but he doesn't seem invested in the process....
If you want him to quit talking I suppose you could tell the staff that he has a phone.
What are you plans as far as when he is released? Will he return home?
If you want him to quit talking I suppose you could tell the staff that he has a phone.
What are you plans as far as when he is released? Will he return home?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 22
its a 12 month program...should he actually complete it and his actions match his words...my answer is yes, I will allow him to return home. I know that he will have to have an aftercare plan and support group. He is already given orders like, upon his return he wants keys to house, car and name on the lease. I had removed all of those things due to his behavior. I was tired of waking up and the car be gone...I've repo'd MY car several time from the crack house just so I could get to work. I changed the locks several times...tired of my stuff coming up missing. He has made no contribution to our finances is almost a year. When he does earn a paycheck it got spent on his habit...I'm working with my counselor on how to deal with those things should he complete the program...at the moment, my focus is getting ME better.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Tinky. He asked for your phone records!!! Yes, that is as controlling and paranoid as it sounds. I hope you told him what he could do with that request.
If it were me, I would copy out that bit of the post where you're relating what he's doing now, and send it to the rehab. They need to know he's got a phone, and he's being controlling. Sounds like you could use a break as well.
I agree with TX that it doesn't sound like he's fully invested in rehab. You on the other hand sound like you have a realistic grasp of the situation.
If it were me, I would copy out that bit of the post where you're relating what he's doing now, and send it to the rehab. They need to know he's got a phone, and he's being controlling. Sounds like you could use a break as well.
I agree with TX that it doesn't sound like he's fully invested in rehab. You on the other hand sound like you have a realistic grasp of the situation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 22
Thank you...not everyday is good...he still tries to manipulate...like now he wants money to "test" himself to see if he can hold on to it without getting high? REALLY? Not happening...I told his counselor that one. She laughed as hard as I did...they aren't allowed money for that very reason. I took him soap, lotion, deodorant and cigarettes...they provide meals and snacks...what could he possibly want money for...only thing I can think of would be to walk out and go get high...duh! He got really agitated on that one...says I don't have to mother him...I'm not mothering but I am also not going to hand over money I worked for so he can pass a self given "test"! $3 bus fare money has turned into $1000 binges in the past on several occasions...Not interested in that investment! Sorry! LOL
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Tinky, your thinking sound very clear from where I sit. You have managed to salvage yourself financially and sound like you are taking very good care of yourself, working with a counselor and coming here for support.
Indeed he is "demanding" and manipulative but you are not his fairy god mother and just because "he wants" doesn't mean you need to oblige, not at all.
What he wants is an indication of his thinking and what he really wants is control of his life and yours. He is very early in recovery and has probably hit the part where "the program is no good and my counselors are out to get me and I am thinking about leaving"...it hits most at about 2 weeks.
You get to say what you will and will not listen to and discuss with him. It's silly to talk now about how things will be a year from now when he finishes his program. Between now and then you will each learn a lot about yourselves and your relationship and can decide much later how the "after" will unfold.
Keep doing what you are doing. Focus on your own recovery and healing and no matter how he does with his, you will be okay.
Hugs
Indeed he is "demanding" and manipulative but you are not his fairy god mother and just because "he wants" doesn't mean you need to oblige, not at all.
What he wants is an indication of his thinking and what he really wants is control of his life and yours. He is very early in recovery and has probably hit the part where "the program is no good and my counselors are out to get me and I am thinking about leaving"...it hits most at about 2 weeks.
You get to say what you will and will not listen to and discuss with him. It's silly to talk now about how things will be a year from now when he finishes his program. Between now and then you will each learn a lot about yourselves and your relationship and can decide much later how the "after" will unfold.
Keep doing what you are doing. Focus on your own recovery and healing and no matter how he does with his, you will be okay.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 22
Thank you Ann! The first time I came to SR he had just left for rehab...after about 40 days I let him come home...I believed he had changed...believed his promises of doing right...etc...within 2 days he was high and stole the car again...not this time...I am getting better and if that means saying NO then I'm ok with that now!
I am no longer the broom and dust pan...he can clean his own messes up now!
I am no longer the broom and dust pan...he can clean his own messes up now!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Ditto what Ann said, keep working on you and your recovery.
I'm wondering if you're struggling with enabling him via the phone. He's not to have contact for 30 days. He's not supposed to even have it on him, you knew that yet didn't mention it to his counselor.
This is his weapon right now, a weapon he is using against you, making you anxious and kind of forcing you to go along with HIS agenda, make promises you might not be fully ready to make except with appeasing him.
Are you afraid he might flee rehab again if you tell about the phone?
I'm wondering if you're struggling with enabling him via the phone. He's not to have contact for 30 days. He's not supposed to even have it on him, you knew that yet didn't mention it to his counselor.
This is his weapon right now, a weapon he is using against you, making you anxious and kind of forcing you to go along with HIS agenda, make promises you might not be fully ready to make except with appeasing him.
Are you afraid he might flee rehab again if you tell about the phone?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 22
atalose...I hadn't thought of it that way...however, I have to be honest with myself...YES! I am afraid of that...I do fear him walking out, at least with him there I know he is safe and not in the streets. I do know if he walks out he can not come here...hmmm...not sure I am ready to cross that bridge.
I want him to do this 100% the right way this time...I know I cant control that...its up to HIM to want it and do it. I still struggle with trying to control his addiction or maintain things so he will stay sober...CODEPENDANCY QUEEN right here! LOL
Should I call counselor and let her know?
I want him to do this 100% the right way this time...I know I cant control that...its up to HIM to want it and do it. I still struggle with trying to control his addiction or maintain things so he will stay sober...CODEPENDANCY QUEEN right here! LOL
Should I call counselor and let her know?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Hi Tinky,
I suggest keeping in mind he's only been there a couple of weeks; so Im assuming he has only been off the drugs a couple of weeks... the brain itself takes time to heal... for reasoning and logic and all those good things to begin working properly again. My husband acted similar when he was first in rehab. His doctor explained it to me and it made sense. Our husbands still have feelings and emotions, but at this stage its all a little mixed up. He is in a strange environment where he is giving up a lot of control over his own life, his daily routine, all the things he has known that are familiar. Your the familiar, and probably its mostly unconscious behavior on his part; he is trying to latch onto the familiar, make sure he can keep and control that part of his life. Worrying he will lose you, who was calling you on your birthday, etc. It doesn't necessarily make sense to us, but in his mind it probably does.
I don't know him, so I wont speculate on his behavior; if he is truly manipulative and controlling type person, or these are just feelings and the way he is expressing them are making you feel like he is trying to control you. A lot of it is how we look at it I think.
Sounds like he's making a big commitment to a one year program. Two weeks in its scary.. I dont think its a predictor for success or failure. Hopefully in time he will feel more comfortable, feel physically and mentally more stable, and you will be able to do some type of marriage counseling together. My husbands rehab encouraged us to do that, and we started at week 6 of his rehab stay. (90 day). It was the best thing for us, the first 6 weeks we each worked with our own therapist & then we also started working together. If you have that opportunity take it !
My husband was allowed phones and computers in his rehab so we did talk every day. I personally don't know if I would report his phone use; its up to him to handle that part IMO. But if talking to him makes you uncomfortable then I would first try telling him you need time and want those 30 days or whatever it was supposed to be, or maybe one call a week.. whatever you wish.. if he wont abide then I would block the number. If he needs to talk to you before the blackout is over, then he can do so through the proper channels of the rehab.
Good Luck to both of you !
I suggest keeping in mind he's only been there a couple of weeks; so Im assuming he has only been off the drugs a couple of weeks... the brain itself takes time to heal... for reasoning and logic and all those good things to begin working properly again. My husband acted similar when he was first in rehab. His doctor explained it to me and it made sense. Our husbands still have feelings and emotions, but at this stage its all a little mixed up. He is in a strange environment where he is giving up a lot of control over his own life, his daily routine, all the things he has known that are familiar. Your the familiar, and probably its mostly unconscious behavior on his part; he is trying to latch onto the familiar, make sure he can keep and control that part of his life. Worrying he will lose you, who was calling you on your birthday, etc. It doesn't necessarily make sense to us, but in his mind it probably does.
I don't know him, so I wont speculate on his behavior; if he is truly manipulative and controlling type person, or these are just feelings and the way he is expressing them are making you feel like he is trying to control you. A lot of it is how we look at it I think.
Sounds like he's making a big commitment to a one year program. Two weeks in its scary.. I dont think its a predictor for success or failure. Hopefully in time he will feel more comfortable, feel physically and mentally more stable, and you will be able to do some type of marriage counseling together. My husbands rehab encouraged us to do that, and we started at week 6 of his rehab stay. (90 day). It was the best thing for us, the first 6 weeks we each worked with our own therapist & then we also started working together. If you have that opportunity take it !
My husband was allowed phones and computers in his rehab so we did talk every day. I personally don't know if I would report his phone use; its up to him to handle that part IMO. But if talking to him makes you uncomfortable then I would first try telling him you need time and want those 30 days or whatever it was supposed to be, or maybe one call a week.. whatever you wish.. if he wont abide then I would block the number. If he needs to talk to you before the blackout is over, then he can do so through the proper channels of the rehab.
Good Luck to both of you !
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,430
I wouldn't supply phone records because that's not his buisness.
In addition, don't put him on the lease. Then you're stuck if he doesn't stay clean.
You sound smart and like you've learned some very important lessons the hard way.
Honor yourself and your own recovery. Report the phone and let him work on himself
while you focus on you.
Great job so far, by the way!!
In addition, don't put him on the lease. Then you're stuck if he doesn't stay clean.
You sound smart and like you've learned some very important lessons the hard way.
Honor yourself and your own recovery. Report the phone and let him work on himself
while you focus on you.
Great job so far, by the way!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Tinky your words are that or a very wise woman who knows exactly what is going on. Good for you that you did not play into his need for control. It has only been two weeks so who knows what worries are going through his mind. He could be a totally different person in a year. If his calls upset you can you not answer for a bit or keep the calls short? I understand your fear of him walking out but you cannot control his actions and you should not have to deal with his issues right now.
Let him focus on his recovery and you focus on yours. I wouldn't put a lot of credence into anything he says right now. If he is still acting this way 8 or 9 months in, then yeah I would definitely reevaluate the situation. It is way too early to tell how things will turn out. Take care of today and do what you can to make your life less hectic. Do not allow his trying to control you to interfere with your own work! Keep doing what is best for you!
Let him focus on his recovery and you focus on yours. I wouldn't put a lot of credence into anything he says right now. If he is still acting this way 8 or 9 months in, then yeah I would definitely reevaluate the situation. It is way too early to tell how things will turn out. Take care of today and do what you can to make your life less hectic. Do not allow his trying to control you to interfere with your own work! Keep doing what is best for you!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Tinky,
I see you're relatively new to us, so welcome.
What you describe sounds exhausting. Your AH's head isn't where it really needs to be. But then again, it's up to the staff in the rehab center to get him to work on the things he needs to be working on.
It's not my place to comment on someone else's marriage. But I would have a very, very difficult time tolerating what you have to deal with at the moment, and that's because my boundaries have evolved to the point where my decision making is pretty black and white. If someone were trying to do to me what your AH is trying to do to you, I'd get rid of that person. And it wouldn't be a hard decision to make. There comes a point when we have to make decisions based on what is best for us. And while I'm not advocating that you kick your AH to the curb, what I'm encouraging you to do is look at your life and your health objectively and dispassionately. Then make decisions that are best for you.
ZoSo
I see you're relatively new to us, so welcome.
What you describe sounds exhausting. Your AH's head isn't where it really needs to be. But then again, it's up to the staff in the rehab center to get him to work on the things he needs to be working on.
It's not my place to comment on someone else's marriage. But I would have a very, very difficult time tolerating what you have to deal with at the moment, and that's because my boundaries have evolved to the point where my decision making is pretty black and white. If someone were trying to do to me what your AH is trying to do to you, I'd get rid of that person. And it wouldn't be a hard decision to make. There comes a point when we have to make decisions based on what is best for us. And while I'm not advocating that you kick your AH to the curb, what I'm encouraging you to do is look at your life and your health objectively and dispassionately. Then make decisions that are best for you.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hi Tinky. Glad he went to rehab, just work on you. I caution you not to have too much contact w/him while he is there. My AH was allowed to call me ALOT when he was in rehab, it did not give me the chance I needed to get my head where I needed to be.
I would not give him any phone records or anything else. His behavior is what has landed him where he is, he is lucky it's not jail. Don't be manipulated, even from a distance.
God Bless!
I would not give him any phone records or anything else. His behavior is what has landed him where he is, he is lucky it's not jail. Don't be manipulated, even from a distance.
God Bless!
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
You are doing great and I agree with what the others said.
Also he is not supposed to call or text and by answering them, you are enabling him to break the rules and get one over the place which is supposed to help him.
Also I would be very weary of what king of God he wants to bring in your marriage. Given his controlling behavior, chances are it is the patriarchal God where women are chattels and men are in charge and a good wife just jump and does as she s told (perfect God for a quacking addict).
Check out this free app, it allows you to block texts and calls (you can set it up to go to voicemail or hang up). I call it my codie app LOL
Mr. Number - Identify spammers and block calls & texts on your mobile phone
Also he is not supposed to call or text and by answering them, you are enabling him to break the rules and get one over the place which is supposed to help him.
Also I would be very weary of what king of God he wants to bring in your marriage. Given his controlling behavior, chances are it is the patriarchal God where women are chattels and men are in charge and a good wife just jump and does as she s told (perfect God for a quacking addict).
Check out this free app, it allows you to block texts and calls (you can set it up to go to voicemail or hang up). I call it my codie app LOL
Mr. Number - Identify spammers and block calls & texts on your mobile phone
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Yeah, what Carlotta says...................
==================================
Also I would be very weary of what king of God he wants to bring in your marriage. Given his controlling behavior, chances are it is the patriarchal God where women are chattels and men are in charge and a good wife just jump and does as she s told (perfect God for a quacking addict).
================================================== ===============
"God says give me money and let me see your phone records"
"Hmmmm. I wouldn't want to go against God! Any way I could
discuss these things with God directly?"
"No. God speaks only through me"
>>>>>>>>>>> Quite a quandary! <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
.....a little later..........
" I spoke to God myself in defiance of your orders"
"What did God say"
"He said F you AND your 'orders' "
==================================
Also I would be very weary of what king of God he wants to bring in your marriage. Given his controlling behavior, chances are it is the patriarchal God where women are chattels and men are in charge and a good wife just jump and does as she s told (perfect God for a quacking addict).
================================================== ===============
"God says give me money and let me see your phone records"
"Hmmmm. I wouldn't want to go against God! Any way I could
discuss these things with God directly?"
"No. God speaks only through me"
>>>>>>>>>>> Quite a quandary! <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
.....a little later..........
" I spoke to God myself in defiance of your orders"
"What did God say"
"He said F you AND your 'orders' "
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by Tinky 
. He's been going to church (which is great) but now he wants to dictate my relationship with God and tell me that we need God the center of our marriage (duh...been saying that for the 4 yrs we been together) I am trying to let resentments go and it's hard.
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