Tinky

Thank you everyone...it just feels good to have a place to go to vent and know people understand. I haven't given up on him, however I am not going to give up on me either. Today has been a rough day but who said this would be easy...sure beats some of the other days we've been through!

Thanks again everyone!

atalose

Your putting yourself in a tight spot with trying to appease him into staying in rehab by complying with his "demands". He's only 2 weeks into this year long program and YOU are the one walking on egg shells.

I'd not answer my and see how that goes. Do you have another session with the counselor coming up any time soon?

Lily1918

there is a sticky somewhere called "things addicts say from jail" I've always thought it should say "jail and or rehab" just my opinion. My AH always does well when he is locked in a box. can anyone post a link? i can't find it and I don't know how from my phone

Vandermast

sounds to me like he is no position whatsoever to be dictating terms.

good thing he's in there.

you can only give him so many chances.

otherwise he will drive you mad and everything you hold dear will be burned through a glass pipe or a needle.

ps by the way, i am male, am in rehab, am a recovering alcoholic/addict

my partner gave me the ultimatum, best thing she ever did

v

Tinky

He's already drove me mad! LOL Last night was crazy...I had an important business meeting/dinner with the owners and investors with my company. I told him I would text when I was finished. He called 4 times and texted about 20 times during the 3 hours. I text him when I got in the car and he went off. He wanted me to send him a picture to prove where I was. (not happening) He gave me all these ultimatums saying I was choosing my job over him and I was having an affair with my job. I was putting him on the back burner, threatening to leave rehab etc. He said he is not on drugs and that he is going to be demanding sober...REALLY? I told him he needs to talk to his counselor. I did not feed into his drama...he started texting again at 5am with the same junk...I again told him that I did exactly as I said I would do.

How can he give me ultimatums when he would disappear and not answer phone until all his money was spent and all his resources were depleted? When I say this he says I should let go of the past or we will never be able to move forward. ????

I am glad he isn't using for now but I really believe there are many other issues that need addressed. Is this normal behavior? I think its addict behavior

Hawkeye13

Tinky, what you just described may very well be a serious problem beyond his addiction.

I think you need to consider working with a therapist about his issues / your issues while he is in rehab because what he did is way out of line for anyone.

He is not your keeper, and he hasn't
got the right to dictate your life, be crazy jealous, or be such a controlling jerk.

You are right. There are "many other issues that need addressed."

Make it clear that if he leaves rehab he is not welcome in your home or in your life.
Sounds like he is looking for an excuse to walk out to me. Shut the door.

Please take care of yourself.
This actually sounds a little scary--he is acting obsessed and jealous.
That can be dangerous if he leaves and uses and comes to your house.

Report the phone.

Txhelp

I agree with Hawkeye.

At the very least, put your phone on silent. Having your work and down-time constantly interrupted by threats isn't exactly healthy for you.

Either he wants recovery or not.

My 25 year old son, threatened to leave rehab twice. He called me before he left and asked me if I could help him with a ride, etc ( he was 3 hours away). I said "no, I told you if you are there it's up to you. If you are not, it's still up to you. I will not finance your way home or participate in your unhealthy behaviors."

He left anyway and called me from a convenience store. "Can you help me out?" he said. "It's scary around here. People are looking at me." I told him "I told you....good luck to you. Don't come knocking on my door if you come back." He said "what do I do. I said well maybe go back to the place you left and figure it out."

He did and stayed and made progress.

I did let him stay after rehab. Not a good idea.

The thing that has kept me "helping" is thinking that my loved ones would harm themselves; get harmed; die; etc. The fact is...whether they are with or without me all of the above can happen.

FeelingGreat

Tinky, I would urge you to tell the rehab about the phone calls. He's not supposed to be focussing on you at all as he has enough issues of his own to deal with. If he's spending his spare time desperately monitoring you, he's not putting much effort into recovery.
I addition to the withdrawal process, he seems to have some mental health challenges that his counsellors need to know about.

AnvilheadII

report the phone and then STOP responding to his nonsense! you are giving what he says way too much weight....he's really quite unstable. you do not need to defend yourself, prove anything, or account for your every action. step back. WAY back. see the insanity for what it is.

Tinky

Well, today was not a good day...he is literally driving me NUTS! My question is this...why do I continue to put up with this crap? Is my self esteem so low that I feel that I need or deserve this? I had a good childhood, came from a very loving family, no abuse, no addiction, nothing...typical American family. Am I in denial of something? What the heck is it...I know I don't deserve this...I know I am worth more than this...I am not the type that feels the have to have a man...I am strong, independent, have a great job, my own place, nice car, my kids are grown and doing great...all this before him and still (my bank account is lower and not so much jewelry left but that's just stuff) I am overall doing good. What the heck is wrong with me...today he is giving me ultimatums again and all these boundaries...like a dumbass I am just sitting there listening...why can't I just cut the conversation off or not answer the phone. I called the counselor and left a message she hasn't called me back. Part of me is saying "don't get him in trouble he might leave" the other part is saying "let him leave who gives a crap"

Please...I need some help...he thinks I have this superior attitude and put my job before our marriage...his big thing today is he wants his debit card and he will start paying the bills. REALLY? His name has not been on that account in months...it will be a cold day in hell before I ever give him those reigns...He said he is taking his position as the man and nothing will stop him not even me...? What is that suppose to mean?

Could someone please knock some sense into me...something? I think I am losing it for real!

Praying

You're not losing it. He is. Could be the lack of control he's feeling over his life. Could be his thoughts of what HE'D be doing projected into you (sorry for that). Could be temporary. Could be lots of things. It IS abusive. As many people told me through the years...it doesn't MATTER why. Don't analyze to figure it out. You likely won't. What matters is what you see in his actions and whether you want to allow this in your life during your safe space of personal recovery.

I'd consider what the downside would be of telling rehab everything and going no contact for a while. He'd be forced to focus. If he chooses not to, it's not because of you.

Hawkeye13

Tinky, what do you feel deeply would be best for you in this situation with this person?

Even if he quits and doesn't relapse (statistically unlikely) will you be satisfied to be the
dominated doormat of woman he is trying to make you into?

What kind of action do you need to be doing right now to improve your situation and to
understand the confusing feelings you are having?

While you have this space from him, take some action. Get some counseling,
see a lawyer, do whatever it is you need to do to protect your integrity and self-esteem.

He is so busy trying to control and dominate you from treatment, how can he possibly
be getting any meaningful work done on himself and his addiction?

What's really going on, do you think, in this interpersonal dynamic?

Unfortunately, you can only control your side of it.
Thankfully, you can control your side of it.

interrupted

He is showing you exactly who he is, it's your choice whether you want to believe it or not.