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well.. that was nice of me..

Old 02-04-2014, 11:01 AM
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well.. that was nice of me..

Well.. totally lost my ****. GOD. RAH was still at work and sent me a text.. I had checked our bank account and he withdrew 20$. Not a big deal?? I knew he needed cigs and he didn't pack a lunch since he was running behind. I've been keeping him totally broke for peace of mind and obvious reasons. He only had about 10$ on him. SO he bought smokes and grabbed a cheap lunch for around $10.00- had his change and slips... BUT I lost it! He has seemed really good lately. not moody, present, talking to his sponsor etc. JUST don't know what got into me! I am terrified. don't know how long it will last.. IDK. Some days I just want him gone so we can have some form of a normal life.. not this day to day wonder of what will happen.. sadness. SOmetimes I just want a normal VANILLA life. A present loving husband that I can depend on.. I can trust. A husband that fixes things around the house, plays ball with our boy, has tea parties with our girl, mows the lawn. Wishful thinking. JUst calm normal mundane contentment. ?? I try to convince myself that I don't love him anymore.. I really wish it were that easy. I just dumped all this crap on him and if he is doing ok.. did I just sabotage him? Now I feel awful. I totally let my fear take over and totally control me. Sometimes I just can't seem to shut my mouth. URGH.
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Old 02-04-2014, 11:24 AM
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Do you know the difference between a bad day and a good day? Usually......just one day. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

I find that one day I'll be anxious or distracted but I always know it will pass. I usually find that I need a distraction to distract me from the distraction. lol It's those days when I know that I need to be particularly good to myself. And do something that I really like....mani/pedi, movie, shopping, meet up with a girlfriend, etc.

I hope you'll take good care of you today.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 02-04-2014, 12:16 PM
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I just dumped all this crap on him and if he is doing ok.. did I just sabotage him? Now I feel awful. I totally let my fear take over and totally control me.Boy did this catch my eye! Not easy to figure out how to react when we have dealt with deceit and lies for so long. I let loose on my son today and he went off a bit but ya know….. after, there has been a calmness between us. I think my honesty about what I was thinking, although he didn't like it, may have struck something inside him. After all he's not blameless in me possibly overreacting! He may even think about some of what I said in a positive way! Be gentle with yourself and thanks for posting!
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Old 02-04-2014, 02:15 PM
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I just dumped all this crap on him and if he is doing ok.. did I just sabotage him? Now I feel awful. I totally let my fear take over and totally control me.
Boy did this catch my eye! Not easy to figure out how to react when we have dealt with deceit and lies for so long. I let loose on my son today and he went off a bit but ya know….. after, there has been a calmness between us. I think my honesty about what I was thinking, although he didn't like it, may have struck something inside him. After all he's not blameless in me possibly overreacting! He may even think about some of what I said in a positive way! Be gentle with yourself and thanks for posting!
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Old 02-04-2014, 08:48 PM
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I think it's normal to be obsessive, at times, about how your life can change in a moment and the "what ifs."

I try to focus on my life and his behaviors. If he is attentive to me and life in general then I know he's still in recovery. Anything else and I know it's the drugs.

I figure...why shorten my life worrying about HIS recovery. You get one chance to live life. If he isn't living up to to his end of the relationship when he is sober then I question if he will ever meet your expectations or needs.

I have to say, if my husband didn't participate in my life and well being after his relapse and recovery.....after the hell I have been put through. I would have to tell him to find another girl.

I guess my tolerance level is low after surviving...so far... two RA young adult children.

Love has nothing to do with whether I stay with my husband or not. How he treats me and what I will tolerate from him are just as important. I know many that stay for love and they are in sick relationships.
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