Jzt

Hi
I am a partner of an alcoholic, weed and meth user. Alcohol and weed pretty much daily, Meth I don't even know the extent of the addiction it's become hard to tell wen he is on it or not now.
We have 2 children 2 and 4 and he has an older son from previous relationship who is 6.
I believe he has used all 3 since a young age but not continually, he goes through periods. I didn't learn about the meth until I was pregnant with our youngest. we became violent with eachother.
I have probably enabled the weed use (I actually prefer him stoned, pretty sad I know) but the alcohol and meth I cannot tolerate.
I came home from work yesterday wit our kids to find him asleep on the couch, the stove on, element burning red with a glass pipe sitting on it for who knows how long it was sooo hot! (now I know why he desperately needed me to get him a lighter) and a lit tealite candle in the room where he smokes weed that had completely melted.
I tried so so hard not to flip out but I did a little. i threw the pipe in the outside bin which made him angry because apparently "it wasn't his" so I took off with the kids before things could escalate.
I know he needs professional help, I guess im struggling with setting boundaries and being consistent with them. I find it hard to draw the line between helping him and allowing him to disrespect me and the family home. Am I enabling him just by staying with him? I sometimes feel like he will never stop because he knows im there for him and he has a family to come home to. he helps pay the bills and is currently working so I feel like I cant just kick him out...He knows its all wrong and admits he has a problem but he cant seem to take the step to get help. feeling lost and frustrated its hard watching someone you love lose control

Lexy1

Hi. I can't give advice on an addict partner but I can tell you as a sister of an addict is that sad as it is... most addicts love their drug more than themselves and their families. I also see that since my sister's addicion has come out in tbe open she seems to have gotten worse. My parents tolerating it has also made it worse. I hope you can get to a Naranon meeting. Really feel for you as you have 2 smAll children. Remember you have to be to yourself and your main responsibility is to make sure those babies are in a safe loving environment. Hugs and prayers.

Jzt

To be honest I am petrified to go to a meeting because I know more than likely the advice will be to leave him/kick him out.. It scares the crap out of me. I lost my ex boyfriend to suicide so even tho I know I need to detach, making myself do it is so hard. I feel sick just thinking about it. Thank you for your reply. There are no naranon meetings near me I guess I could go to an alanon one too he does drink .. It's all a disease

AnvilheadII

you have three very young children and he passed out, left the stove on and his DOPE out. please, any drugs anywhere around your children for ANY reason must become an absolute NO. that he pays BILLS in no way makes that ok. your children have to come first. what if they put their hand on that stove, grab the "magic wand" (aka glass pipe) found some dope and ingested it???? would you allow anyone ELSE to get away with this?

atalose

Your children have to come first, one of you has to be the responsible parent here and it certainly isn't going to be him so that leaves you.

Jzt

I am not an idiot. OBVIOUSLY Any decent mother wouldn't expose their kids to that. We walked in on it and I removed them straight away and haven't been home since. There was no dope anywhere just the pipe. This is a first, in the past he has kept his using away from home, but has clearly lost control. This isn't a black and white situation. I'm here for support and guidance and help.. Not to be grilled for a mistake.

KeepinItReal

I would start with some serious boundaries. I have a 3 & 7 year old. No drugs in the house... Ever. Don't threaten to leave him if your not ready/going to. Tell him what consequences you are willing to follow through with. Negative consequence for breaking your boundary. I personally have been through hell and back with my RAH ...
IV heroin use, so I know about cycles, dis respect, stupidness.... I have a long story... But today I'm okay. Things can and will get better... But it takes work.

Jzt

Yes, I agree boundaries and consequences are something I struggle with. I'm not ready to leave him but I will if my children are exposed to it ever again. Like I said in another forum, I lost my previous boyfriend to suicide so I struggle to not let worry consume me at times. Thank you keepinItReal

Raider

It's never black and white. The people here only know what you posted. The back story is always a mystery. Good luck. Blessings.

AnvilheadII

no one said you made a mistake. but the stakes are HIGH....there is always the "first" time...always the "but he never did that before" - thing with drug abuse, it will ALWAYS get worse. if there is a pipe, there are drugs. if he's smoking, he's getting more addicted more quickly. I was a crack addict....

I am very sorry for what happened in your past. truly. but this is your NOW and you have little kids that don't have a voice...don't get a choice. they need someone who will fight dragons and row thru a tsunami for them.

booze, weed and meth. nothing a child should be exposed to. but HE is bringing that crap IN the home. he is putting them in danger and they are having to live with an active drug addict.

Sara21

My husband also uses meth and it completely changes the person (I've since filed for divorce). It is a total nightmare. I'm sorry you and your kids are going through this. Is he working any type of recovery program? Does he even want to quit?

In my situation, I realized that my happiness depended on what type of day my husband had. If he was sober, I had a good day. If he used, I had a very bad day. In other words, I had given up all of my power and given it to someone that used drugs. It was a horrible way to live. The anxiety, the tension, the lies, the guilt, the manipulation, it was all too much and it was no way to live.

It's up to you if you want to stay or leave. No one can make that decision for you. But whatever you decide to do, please work on a recovery program for yourself (counseling, meetings, therapy, online forums, etc). We can start to lose ourselves in their addiction.
Loving and living with an addict takes a huge toll, both physically and mentally. Please take care of yourself. And keep coming back here to SR. You'll find a lot of support from people that have been where you are. Some of them may say things you don't want to hear, but it may be things you need to hear.

Hugs

Jzt

Thanks Sara21. So true, the truth hurts and I'm seeing that I am partially in denial too. He says he wants to change, but that's as far as it goes. We did a stint of counselling but as soon as I stopped organising it we stopped going. Things have gone down hill from there. Thankfully my days don't depend on whether he has been using or not, but after reflecting I have realised that I do arrange things around him "just in case" or I always have a "plan b" because he is unreliable. So I have been enabling him in that way. It's so hard. I plan on doing a recovery program..

Mags1

Hi Jzt I haven't any experience or knowledge of drugs so I just wanted to say hello and welcome to SR, and lots of hugs for you xx

Jzt

Mags1 thank you. Feeling the love

Sara21

In my case, I found that denial and ignorance were very powerful tools. It allowed the addiction to thrive, not just in his life, but mine as well. Once I started educating myself, and seeing things for how they really were (not just how I wanted them to be),things started to change. I realized that it was not normal (or healthy) to hide my purse in my own home, it was not normal to drive home from work with knots in my stomach, wondering what was waiting for me at home. There were so many other things that were not normal, I'm sure you've experienced some of these things as well. Believe me, you are not alone.

I finally realized that one of us had to break the cycle. There was no way to have a happy, healthy marriage when drugs were involved. It's been said on this forum that nothing changes if nothing changes. Since he refused to get sober, it was up to me to make some changes.

I hope your husband decides to work on his sobriety. There are success stories here on this site of people who have overcome addiction. Ultimately, it will be his decision. He may try to manipulate you into thinking this is your fault or that you caused it, but that's all it is: manipulation. Don't fall for it. Take care of yourself and your kids. Remember that kids take their relationship cues from the people around them. If this situation continues for the long term, they may think this is what a marriage and family is all about and it will be what they seek in the future.

If you haven't already, I recommend that you read some of the stickies at the top of this forum. It may answer some of your questions and help guide you during this journey. Always remember that this is a safe place to post, vent, share etc. Many of us know exactly what you are going through and we're all here to help and support each other.

Hugs

Jzt

Thanks again for taking the time out to reply d share your story. Good on you for making that step. Yes I have experienced some of those things and always knew it wasn't normal. I have read some stickies and I have also done some research of my own. I have come a long way fro how I used to treat the problem that's for sure. I think for me it all comes back to losing my ex to suicide, and the fear it will happen again. I know in my head that its not my fault etc and if he did it would be his choice.. but telling my emotions that is a different story. I guess I need some professional help of my own. Im going to see if he wants to get help and is wiling if not I know I need to do what im dreading and let him hit rock bottom

hopeful4

I am sorry. He has to go. I am sure you have researched meth use. Do you want him to blow up your house or hurt your children? It could seriously happen. Get him out for the sake of all the children if not yourself.

This is his choice. He can choose to use or to recover. He chooses to use. It is up to someone to keep your kids safe, looks like that someone has to be you.

I am sorry if this comes off as harsh, I work in insurance. JUST TODAY....a home caught fire, total loss, meth cook blew the house up. One child died in the fire. Horrible. Of course, the user lived. I guess it has hit a very very sad nerve for me today.

Good Luck and God Bless!

incitingsilence

Your partner isn’t using blindly, he knows the risks and is willing to take them for the high. For as much as you worry his life will end because of drug use, you can’t save him and have no control. But he sure as hell can care enough about himself to save himself. Hopefully he can find that.

And if no one ever told you, you couldn’t have prevented your ex’s death. It was just his time, for as sad or heartless as that sounds. It was his choice for peace.

Addiction gets worse, it always does. So tread carefully and be very aware that there is no plan b when dealing with anyone out of their minds using meth. You are not equipped to deal with that.

Stay safe.

Txhelp

More than likely, at a meeting, they are NOT going to tell you what to do.

There are many folks, in meetings, that are living with their active addict. However, they learn how they can live with them.

Of course safety of you and the children are the top of the list...important. You seem to protect your children and have set the boundary already regarding their safety. That is a good step.