jzeb2008

Just looking for a little insight from others who have set firm boundaries with a spouse or significant other and been treated cruelly. How hateful my addict has became. I had already set the boundary for no using in the home and if he had been drinking or using, not to come home. Work full time and spend the whole check on drugs and alcohol, can't live at home. I don't get money for 6 weeks, I'm filing a child support order. I allow visitation with our child and set up arrangement and that's not how he wants it(wants it in my home), he can't see her. He stays 2 blocks from our home for 3 weeks straight, never asks for any clothing and one day his mother suggests that he get some things, he wants EVERYTHING NOW, it will be on my time. Now, I'm the enemy. His mother told me today that he tells her constantly that he hates me, wishes me dead, regrets marrying me, claiming to be using me to keep his insurance and ALL for the last 2 years. Long before I ever even set these boundaries. That he wants a divorce. But, to me, he loves me and doesn't want to give up our marriage. How confusing.

Nina Kay

Hi jzeb.
I don't have anything to share with you that could help you in any way, but maybe others will be along soon that will share some wisdom or experience with you.

My grown son is the addict in my life, not my spouse. I'm so sorry that your spouse has become so hateful & cruel to you. Drugs change them alot and the things that they say & do definitely don't make any sense. They do manipulate everyone & every situation in any way that might further their purpose & they are very selfish & hurtful.

I hope that you will keep coming back & reading everyone's shares on the other threads. There are Stickies at the top of the page for some more wise information that you might want to check out. Hang in there.

gothbarbie

Although my AXBF dumped me & kicked me out of the apt when he left for rehab, I think he has been telling crazy lies about me to everyone, mostly his friends. He did it while we were on the outs before & I saw the emails :/ Addicts are selfish manipulative jerks who only care about themselves in the end. It's sad but true. Mine was so arrogant & snotty to me at times & I had no idea he was high on something until he confessed & later then had the worst withdrawals I've ever seen with him which led him to rehab 4 months ago & we haven't spoke since. The jerk never once emailed or called me to see if I was ok after I was uprooted & kicked out of the apt with nowhere to go.

peacesoul

count me in on having the hateful, cruel AH. We're divorcing, and that's all my fault, he can't believe that *I* am doing this to our daughter...and on and on.
I like the 'take care of my side of the street' advice. Can't worry about him and his actions, just my own.
And I think most of the lies/stories that they tell whoever will listen eventually lose their believability. The charade can only last so long, especially for those outside of the relationship. It's us in the relationship that hold onto that hope/belief for way too long.

I can't really speak to boundaries being set, because he wouldn't/doesn't listen. Even when ordered by court 'no drinking' he has not abided by that. But what you gonna do, no real ways to enforce. I have no legal way to make him leave (yet). So I'm just counting down to eventual day when divorce is final and that paperwork will say the place is mine alone.

KeepinItReal

While my husband was in active addiction.. there was a lot of blame. He went so far to say that the kids (he loves more than anything in this world) were born to early and it's MY fault because HE wasn't ready to have kids. (what a load of BS)
He doesn't remember saying this. It was extremely hurtful. He also played family members against one another for years. Until very recently (about 6-1yr) that me and his parents got on the same page and agreed there could be no more secrets. He obviously played us ALL and lied to us ALL. It was very hurtful for his parents to find out the things he was saying about them. It's a web of lies my husband created.
When he couldn't get away with it anymore.. he knew. We called him out on it!! He knew his games were over when me and his parents sat down and confronted him. I had to be honest and open and so did his father.
It's just a game to them... to keep using.
I wouldn't take ANYTHING he is saying right now to heart. He is in midst of active addiction and may or may not realize what he is doing. Until he gets sober time.... if/when he decides he wants to stay sober and start fighting to stay sober....
I hate drugs.

hopeful4

I think addicts go through raging emoations. So one second it is I hate you, the next how stupid they are and I love you. Goodness, no wonder so many of us are a mess!

In the grand scheme of things, is this ever going to change? Nope, doubt it. I say this all the time, on here and in my life. You cannot control his actions, only your reactions. You know who you are. You know that it is healthy to set boundaries and to maintain your own sanity for you and for your dear children. You guys don't deserve that. He is obviously unstable, even his own mother knows it.

Keep moving forward. Keep doing what you know is right. Do not agonize over what he is doing b/c it is out of your control.

Blessings!

Katiekate

He is an addcit, he has no boundries, no respect for you or your child or his mother. He is emoting in seriously negative ways, he is pissed because he can not get his way, he is using manipulation and triangulation to get the message to you via his mother that you are the enemy. It's typical. If it were me , I would get his crap out of there and be done with it. You are the only one who can turn off the negative noise. I do not mean to sound harsh at all, but I realized wayyyy too late that listening to and engaging in or thinking about what my a was doing, thinking, or saying was a huge mistake on my part.

Anyone who wishes you dead, does not need to have you or his child available to him at anytime, anywhere. Document document document. I would tell his mom if she doesn't want it brought to court. she probably should keep it to herself. If he wants a divorce, give himone. I'm not understanding why she would tell you those things.

OttersHoldHands

has anyone ever experienced them making you seem like you have problems for setting boundaries

YearForMe

Yes...of course....

Boundries are bad bad things to an addict. It means they can't manipulate you.
It also makes them feel like they are not in control of YOU anymore.

Oh darn....

AnvilheadII

hint: quit talking to his mother.

focus on his ACTIONS....does this seem at ALL like someone who loves you, cares about you, recognizes his obligations, or has a shred of common decency??? why would one try to hang on to that?

just asking........

hopeful4

Amen...so true!

zoso77

Addicts, generally speaking, do not have good boundaries of their own. So you really can't expect them to be respectful of the boundaries of others.

Oh, the stories I can tell you regarding my AXGF and her absolute refusal to respect my boundaries.

And then this gem:

No, not really. He's sick. When something doesn't make sense, you have to consider the headspace of the person not making sense. Ultimately, you need a judge a person by their actions. Not their words.

ZoSo