catlady14

After finding out that my boyfriend continued to use cocaine despite his efforts to stop for my benefit, I have finally left him. He tried his best to quit cold turkey because he felt embarrassed, but he finally realized if I wasnt there, theres one to make him feel any shame. He told me he wanted me to leave right away and I wanted to. The environment in the home can only be described as toxic. I still love him and care about him very much, but there's a part of me that feels so guilty for walking away. I left him a long note telling him that he hurt me and I still love and care about him. Is this feeling normal, the gult and hurt?

Mags1

Hi catlady14, I haven't got any pearls of wisdom, just wanted to say hello, take care and there will be lots of people who have experience with drugs.

Big hugs x

Hope4Life

I was that guy once. Luckily I was able to stop when I saw it was becoming a BIG problem. Never touched it again. It's been 36 years now....

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You deserve better and he wasn't willing to follow through and quit. The hurt will eventually subside but please don't beat yourself up over this. He has to want to stop and from the sound of it, he is not at that point yet.

You need to concentrate on YOU and you cannot force him to do anything he doesn't want to do.

Be well.....

catlady14

I know it sounds crazy but I feel like I need closure, what I want is an apology that will never come. Do you think that he'll give me that down the road? I know I have no reason to care after the way he treated me, but still..

OttersHoldHands

ive read in treatments etc that they examine past relationships. i dont know how many actually quit by treatment or by themselves. not familiar with this scenario.

catlady- i should say though that im not sure how rewarding an apology actually is. sometimes i think closure is a myth. this guy i was seeing, who also did coke, did a lot of rude things that he should apologize for. passive aggressive comments, put downs, little rage attacks, and i was pretty calm through all that then he made a halfass apology through text - something about him never intending to be this way and hoping for the best for me and my life...

...and i had the strangest reaction. I all the sudden felt so angry i couldnt even stand it. It was like he could toy with me and do things that screwed with my head and emotions, and then thought if he said that nice little comment that he was a nice guy, and at that point just went about things like i never existed. im not sure im making sense but i felt like he did it to avoid guilt within himself. if he had any reguard for my feelings he could have tried more to do things right the first time.

so anyways- i know how you feel, an apology would be nice, but Im not fully certain that these particular people can give a true compassionate apology- just one that puts their own emotions or guilt at ease- that seems to be theyre mode of operation- constantly doing everything to regulate and put their feelings at ease with little insight into how others feel.

gothbarbie

^ CatLady14 I can totally relate! My XABF would go on crazy cocaine /opiate/alcohol binges for days at a time & then withdrawal into a green monster literally ;/ He'd puke then get all emotionallly wierd with me & push me away only to try & pull me back in. He hurt me soo many times until finally one day he asked me to leave & move out of our apt bc he needed to go into rehab. We both told one another that we loved each other & that he was gonna miss me bunches and also that he'd keep in touch. Fast forward 4 months later today I haven't heard a single word from him since That has hurt me immensley , left me feeling discarded like i didn't mean anything to him. I'm not even sure if he's even still in any sort of recovery. I loved him very much , but if you love someone I feel you'd at least come forth & break the ice and at least say hi, how've you been, right? Good luck to you <3

catlady14

Thank you for that! I really appreciate it, I've decided to take the time to rediscover myself and that maybe part of this closure is forgiving him.

catlady14

I definitely relate to what youre saying gothbarbie, like i want to hear back from him and know that hes okay but he brought it on himself and he knows how to reach me

gothbarbie

That is what I'm doing at this point in my life. I've decided that there is nothing I can do to control the situation any longer & I'm just gonna put my energy into "ME" now & be happy on my own.

OttersHoldHands

ive read about rehab and i think they are encouraged to put 100% into themselves. so it may not be that he doesnt care for you but that he is looking at his mistakes, learning how to be a better person, dealing with everything. maybe he will contact when he is stronger. maybe hes a totally different person and is leaving it in the past. I think if they make real progress, i mean not just quitting addictions but also make real life positive personal growth then you will get an apology one day. Fully self aware healed people make amends. If you dont hear from him its safe to say henever reached that point of wanting to do whats right

(this is just my opinion btw, im not a counselor or anything ive just been reading up about treatment programs)

catlady14

That makes complete sense otter and right now im not even sure if rehab is in his plans. i know hes going to jail soon over a dui, so maybe that will sober him up, but at the same time he'll be released right back into the same environment.

AnvilheadII

it's best if we do not hang on to the notion of getting CLOSURE. look at who we are expecting that from...look at how we hold up our own lives waiting for someone else to tell it's ok. you made a healthy decision.....THAT is your closure. you got away from a toxic situation. you live your life....he lives his....each of you however you choose.

zoso77

Catlady...

I see you're relatively new to the Board. So welcome.

I think it's perfectly normal to still care about him. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that, either. But when you step back a bit, you will find that there is no reason to feel guilty for an act of self preservation. After all, just because you love someone doesn't mean you're obligated to go down in flames with them when they're in a self-destructive spiral.

He has to find his own way, and he either does or he doesn't. It is not, and never was, in your hands.

As for you, this is the time you have to allow yourself to heal. The first part of that is setting boundaries for yourself and keeping to them.

Hang in there.

ZoSo

atalose

I often think we use closure as just another way of wanting to contact them. Your looking for healthy behavior (an apology) from an un-healthy person.

It was toxic, you got out, did something good and healthy for yourself. Now if you left as a form of trying to manipulate him clean, you'll be hurt and feel rejected that he chose drugs over you.

But if you truely did it for YOU, you'll begin to feel better as the days pass and the farther you get away from this toxic relationship.

gabriel01

Sigh! I can related to this post so much. The more I read posts on the forum, it makes much more sense to me how does an active addict think. All I can say is its impossible to rational & explain or reason what does an active addict say to you. Even they apologized to you or give you a closure, it means nothing. They minds r not clear. They say sorry to you or love you at this moment, but just few hours later or even shorter, they forgot everything. All they want is how to get high again and you will not be in their minds anymore.

Well, I dunno if I'm lucky or not. Last time (just a month ago), I was in your position. I beat myself up really bad. I hit my rock bottom. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't even cry. I felt like I was dying slowly. But luckily, one day I finally listened to people on this forum, and went to my first al-non meeting and read these couple books "codependent no more" & "language of letting go". I feel much better and started working on myself. Feel much happier and relief now. Despite, because I was changing, my ABF finally noticed that I will not let him to manipulate me anymore and I will not tolerant his addictions. He is changing too. He started to go to meetings now & without me dragging him to go. Since jan 1, he has been going to different meetings everyday. And got a sponsor & started working on steps group 3 weeks ago.

But I totally understand what you are going thru. It's a horrible feeling and experience. Sis, I pray for you. And be strong and take care of yourself

gabriel01

This!

cazer

To OttersHoldHands, this part "and i had the strangest reaction. I all the sudden felt so angry i couldnt even stand it. It was like he could toy with me and do things that screwed with my head and emotions, and then thought if he said that nice little comment that he was a nice guy, and at that point just went about things like i never existed. im not sure im making sense but i felt like he did it to avoid guilt within himself. if he had any reguard for my feelings he could have tried more to do things right the first time." - reading this, all I heard in my head was a big, drawn out, "Woooorrrrrrrrd!!!!' Bang on. Thank you for articulating this weird manipulative strategy.

catlady14

Thank you all so much, I really enjoy being on this sight with people who understand what im going through. Honestly i cant even begin to explain how i feel to my family and friends because they dont understand how i could feel so strongly about a person who has hurt me so bad. And to be honest the things hes said to me and about me dont even phase me, i know its the drugs so why should i be sad about what someone who cant even control themselves feels? I just want to see him get better.

Is it normal to feel like at time you didnt even recognize the addict because their outward appearance and attitudes had changed soo much??

gothbarbie

oh yes most definitely with my ex addict boyfriend. some of the days he was very nice to me but then others he became a monster never hit me physically but with words he hurt me. for instance we ended up moving in together he wanted to start out as friends but I knew better because we had just briefly dated a couple of months before, and so it goes like the story went that he and I ended up back together but at the same time I didn't have a job and so he would use that as a weapon against me to make me feel like garbage telling me I don't do anything all day. I was bringing some money into the house that he was spending all of it on his own drug habit but I didn't see it then like I see it now. we had an eBay store going and I was selling the hell out of everything and he kept all the money and give me bread crumbs. since we've been split up for 4 months and I've been on my own again I hate to say it but it feels so much better knowing that I'm bringing in my own money and not having to depend on Him or having him

catlady14

yess!! you are telling my story! i had a job when i moved in but it wasnt enough to support myself and my mom had just kicked me out. while we had been "dating" for 2 years we werent exclusive and didnt know too much about each other. butupon moving in he started calling me his gf and what not. but i think he felt that because he was making much more money than me it gave him permission to treat me like a princess most days and trash the next. he would tell me he wanted to get married and have a baby, buy a house etc. but then id come home to find him smoking with these cokewho.res... who does that?