Can men admit they're powerless over abuse from addict woman?
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Can men admit they're powerless over abuse from addict woman?
Can a man admit he's powerless over an addict woman?
I've been doing alot of alanon, and lately some naranon and aca too. Im a man, Im finding that most of the men in the rooms, will not share, about being abused or victimized emotionally by a manipulating, cunning, devious, controlling female narcotics addict.
I find very little male support in alanon, who are humble enough to share or admit their powerlessness over a female.
I FIND WOMEN, more likely to share about horrible experiences with an addict man, boyfriend or husband,, anything from emotional to physical abuse, but NOT 1 man share on this in ANY public meeting, almost everyday since feb 2012. Only me.
.
I think its not macho, for men to have feelings in public?
For me, its not a macho thing, recovery is about humility, being humble to accept shortcomings. Am I in the minority of men that Im manipulated and controlled by a female addict or are they men out there?
I've not heard one man in any public groups, admit that they were lied to and cheated on by their significant other female.
Love to hear from stories from men, or women's opinions on this about men who got bamboozeled by and addict female, to the point where their life became un-managable.
Almost 1 yr of meetings everyday, I'm the only one i've heard share. in ACA phone meetings I've heard guys from out of town, but not in local meetings.
TNX
I've been doing alot of alanon, and lately some naranon and aca too. Im a man, Im finding that most of the men in the rooms, will not share, about being abused or victimized emotionally by a manipulating, cunning, devious, controlling female narcotics addict.
I find very little male support in alanon, who are humble enough to share or admit their powerlessness over a female.
I FIND WOMEN, more likely to share about horrible experiences with an addict man, boyfriend or husband,, anything from emotional to physical abuse, but NOT 1 man share on this in ANY public meeting, almost everyday since feb 2012. Only me.
.
I think its not macho, for men to have feelings in public?
For me, its not a macho thing, recovery is about humility, being humble to accept shortcomings. Am I in the minority of men that Im manipulated and controlled by a female addict or are they men out there?
I've not heard one man in any public groups, admit that they were lied to and cheated on by their significant other female.
Love to hear from stories from men, or women's opinions on this about men who got bamboozeled by and addict female, to the point where their life became un-managable.
Almost 1 yr of meetings everyday, I'm the only one i've heard share. in ACA phone meetings I've heard guys from out of town, but not in local meetings.
TNX
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My home group in Toronto (I have since moved) had a lot of men and women both, about 30 at each meeting and I found that the sharing was about the same on both sides. It may be less in a smaller town where members don't want to create gossip even though what is shared at a meeting should be left at the meeting.
Here at SR the women outnumber the men, but we have always had men who share their stories here too.
Some people are not comfortable sharing specifics and share more about themselves and how they are doing with their own lives while living with addiction or alcoholism. In the end, that's what the meetings are about, "us" and us learning to live a healthier life.
To answer your question, certainly they can. Their pain is as great at anyone's and their healing often needs help and support.
Hugs
Here at SR the women outnumber the men, but we have always had men who share their stories here too.
Some people are not comfortable sharing specifics and share more about themselves and how they are doing with their own lives while living with addiction or alcoholism. In the end, that's what the meetings are about, "us" and us learning to live a healthier life.
To answer your question, certainly they can. Their pain is as great at anyone's and their healing often needs help and support.
Hugs
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I hope Mr. Hammer jumps in here soon on this issue.
I really just think it is the nature of men vs women. Women are much more likely to spill their feelings about all sorts of things. Men traditionally don't open up in that way sometimes like a woman will. It is unfortunate because I am sure there are just as many codependent men as women.
SR is a great support, but you do need face to face support too. However...I have found that SR is another outlet (sometimes my biggest one) to open up about what is going on in my life and finding support...from women and men.
Keep posting, you are not alone. We will all walk this walk with you!
I really just think it is the nature of men vs women. Women are much more likely to spill their feelings about all sorts of things. Men traditionally don't open up in that way sometimes like a woman will. It is unfortunate because I am sure there are just as many codependent men as women.
SR is a great support, but you do need face to face support too. However...I have found that SR is another outlet (sometimes my biggest one) to open up about what is going on in my life and finding support...from women and men.
Keep posting, you are not alone. We will all walk this walk with you!
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I've been writing my story in other threads. Its a Addict gf who uses alcohol now, at middle age as her drug of choice. We grew up together, got re-connected 1.5 yrs ago, and its basically been a huge game of manipulation, lies, deceit and emotional control of me. Im doing alot of 12-step, and therapy. it is hard to find guys who can share privately for phone support and keep it in the eye. Women are better at this. I do think its a shame button, that men just can't touch with another man, unless they're comfortable in their own skin, it would be considered really wimpy for a guy to say he's abused by a woman.
Tnx
Tnx
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I am very sorry you are going through this. As I said, I think Hammer will jump in sometime. He is a man who even runs some Alanon meetings and is very educated in this type of thing. He has had his share of abuse by a woman, believe me.
(Hammer, when you read this hope you don't mind me saying that)!
When addiction of any sort takes over it becomes first. So comes the lies, manipulation...and abuse just as you said. It's great you are doing 12 step and therapy. This is going to help you set boundaries for YOU. Only you can decide what you can put up with and how long.
You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. What you can do is learn to focus on you and your needs. You do not have to be immeshed into her disease.
Good Luck! I hope you have a peaceful weekend!
(Hammer, when you read this hope you don't mind me saying that)!
When addiction of any sort takes over it becomes first. So comes the lies, manipulation...and abuse just as you said. It's great you are doing 12 step and therapy. This is going to help you set boundaries for YOU. Only you can decide what you can put up with and how long.
You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. What you can do is learn to focus on you and your needs. You do not have to be immeshed into her disease.
Good Luck! I hope you have a peaceful weekend!
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Men typically are VERY reserved in admitting any type of abuse towards them....especially if the abuser is a woman.
It does happen quite a bit but is often not spoken in groups....
Man or woman living with a drug addict/abuser is horrible. It's wonderful that you have sought out support, although it has been difficult to find it!
Glad that you are here!!
It does happen quite a bit but is often not spoken in groups....
Man or woman living with a drug addict/abuser is horrible. It's wonderful that you have sought out support, although it has been difficult to find it!
Glad that you are here!!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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I'll contribute is, it's not that I am powerless over abuse from an addicted woman, it that I was.
And yeah, too bad for me, I got taken for a ride. On the bright side, I've put that to bed, and am working on building myself into a person that that won't happen to again.
And yeah, too bad for me, I got taken for a ride. On the bright side, I've put that to bed, and am working on building myself into a person that that won't happen to again.
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I was in an accident when I was kid, and still remember the shock and pain when waiting for the ambulance. Afterwards people told me that I was crying the entire time, not reacting to the kind strangers trying to console me. The only thing I remember is the intense loneliness and pain that no one seemed to understand, that no one could take away from me.
Abuse cripples the soul, shuts ears and eyes and mutes the voice so that it can thrive in silence and in isolation. Only when we allow ourselves to feel, see, hear and share, we can break the isolation and escape.
Abuse cripples the soul, shuts ears and eyes and mutes the voice so that it can thrive in silence and in isolation. Only when we allow ourselves to feel, see, hear and share, we can break the isolation and escape.
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Originally Posted by 9111111 
......
Abuse cripples the soul, shuts ears and eyes and mutes the voice so that it can thrive in silence and in isolation. Only when we allow ourselves to feel, see, hear and share, we can break the isolation and escape.
Abuse cripples the soul, shuts ears and eyes and mutes the voice so that it can thrive in silence and in isolation. Only when we allow ourselves to feel, see, hear and share, we can break the isolation and escape.
The first thing a predator does, is separate the weakest from the herd.
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I think that first step - powerlessness over - is hard for anyone to accept especially a codependent involved in a relationship where addiction of any kind is involved.
Now add to that the fact that most people in general don't categorize verbal assaults or maniplulation as abuse.....
so sharing it as abuse comes farther down the road of recovery after one has accepted it as abuse in the first place.
Now add to that the fact that most people in general don't categorize verbal assaults or maniplulation as abuse.....
so sharing it as abuse comes farther down the road of recovery after one has accepted it as abuse in the first place.
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Hi, tnx for the responses, keep em coming! just a quick note from me.
to anotherfool, you wrote "Thanks for this, before I met my A, I was in a mildly codependent relationship"
Ditto, me too, would you agree,, the relation with the Addict, made the previous "mildly codependent relationship", look like a walk in the park on a spring day?
For me, my powerlessness, is not a can't cure, or control it thing, for me, its more I can't control me, and my reactions. Something I heard shared at a naranon meeting last night too. I came to recognize that I NEED CURING, of myself. I NEED CONTROL OF MYSELF,,,,,,I will say too. I DIDNT CAUSE my AGF's consequences, of her being mid 50's and having ZERO recovery, creating and lying to men all her adult life, never being monogamous, and stringing people along WHO LIKE ME.....EVENTUALLY "figure it out" and get Po'd and hurt.
thanks for sharing thanks for listening.
.
to anotherfool, you wrote "Thanks for this, before I met my A, I was in a mildly codependent relationship"
Ditto, me too, would you agree,, the relation with the Addict, made the previous "mildly codependent relationship", look like a walk in the park on a spring day?
For me, my powerlessness, is not a can't cure, or control it thing, for me, its more I can't control me, and my reactions. Something I heard shared at a naranon meeting last night too. I came to recognize that I NEED CURING, of myself. I NEED CONTROL OF MYSELF,,,,,,I will say too. I DIDNT CAUSE my AGF's consequences, of her being mid 50's and having ZERO recovery, creating and lying to men all her adult life, never being monogamous, and stringing people along WHO LIKE ME.....EVENTUALLY "figure it out" and get Po'd and hurt.
thanks for sharing thanks for listening.
.
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Originally Posted by wantfreedom62
Can a man admit he's powerless over an addict woman?
I've been doing alot of alanon, and lately some naranon and aca too. Im a man, Im finding that most of the men in the rooms, will not share, about being abused or victimized emotionally by a manipulating, cunning, devious, controlling female narcotics addict.
I find very little male support in alanon, who are humble enough to share or admit their powerlessness over a female.
I FIND WOMEN, more likely to share about horrible experiences with an addict man, boyfriend or husband,, anything from emotional to physical abuse, but NOT 1 man share on this in ANY public meeting, almost everyday since feb 2012. Only me.
.
I think its not macho, for men to have feelings in public?
For me, its not a macho thing, recovery is about humility, being humble to accept shortcomings. Am I in the minority of men that Im manipulated and controlled by a female addict or are they men out there?
I've not heard one man in any public groups, admit that they were lied to and cheated on by their significant other female.
Love to hear from stories from men, or women's opinions on this about men who got bamboozeled by and addict female, to the point where their life became un-managable.
Almost 1 yr of meetings everyday, I'm the only one i've heard share. in ACA phone meetings I've heard guys from out of town, but not in local meetings.
TNX
I've been doing alot of alanon, and lately some naranon and aca too. Im a man, Im finding that most of the men in the rooms, will not share, about being abused or victimized emotionally by a manipulating, cunning, devious, controlling female narcotics addict.
I find very little male support in alanon, who are humble enough to share or admit their powerlessness over a female.
I FIND WOMEN, more likely to share about horrible experiences with an addict man, boyfriend or husband,, anything from emotional to physical abuse, but NOT 1 man share on this in ANY public meeting, almost everyday since feb 2012. Only me.
.
I think its not macho, for men to have feelings in public?
For me, its not a macho thing, recovery is about humility, being humble to accept shortcomings. Am I in the minority of men that Im manipulated and controlled by a female addict or are they men out there?
I've not heard one man in any public groups, admit that they were lied to and cheated on by their significant other female.
Love to hear from stories from men, or women's opinions on this about men who got bamboozeled by and addict female, to the point where their life became un-managable.
Almost 1 yr of meetings everyday, I'm the only one i've heard share. in ACA phone meetings I've heard guys from out of town, but not in local meetings.
TNX
There was one time that I actually went away on a long weekend to Florida without her and she got quite pissed off. I talked to her once that trip, and she was ugly. So I simply blew her off for the rest of that weekend. And when I came back, I told her flat out that I reserve the right to go places and do things without her. And if she didn't like it, too bad.
But then there were other times when she had me over a barrel. Sometimes after a particularly nasty argument, she would threaten to leave. Of course, I didn't want her to do that. But that's how, at times, she'd get the upper hand. I could be totally in the right, and she'd play that card.
The best way to take your power back when dealing with an addict and/or someone with character issues is to simply not engage on that level. You detach. You stop reacting. You don't take the bait. When you do that, I guarantee you that the addict will get pissed. And that's because you're not doing what they want you to do.
That's why my AXGF left me; I stopped engaging with her in a way that was dysfunctional.
You have to remember that you always have a choice. Engaging with a sick, manipulative person is a choice.
These days, I simply don't tolerate any sort of garbage from anyone. There have been instances at work, for example, when someone has tried to bully me on a conference call with other people. And I'll be quiet, wait until they're done, and then very calmly but assertively put that person back in their place.
The experiences with my AXGF, who really is the sickest of the sick on too many levels to count, has made me stronger. There is simply no way I will ever allow anyone to manipulate or abuse me again. None.
Ordinarily, I don't like to say stuff like this, but I'll make an exception:
Cut her loose. Get rid of her. If you saw a water mocassin 10 feet away from you doing its threat display, you wouldn't walk up next to it, would you? Because if you did, it'll envemonate you and you'll be in a world of pain. So why choose to have anything to do with someone that emotionally and mentally envenomate you?
Take your life back. Learn from the experience. Get honest with yourself as to why you've made the choices you've made. And keep going forward.
ZoSo
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Im curious as to Zoso's post where he wrote :"That's why my AXGF left me".
The easy way would be if my AGF would leave me, or even agree to end it, but that ain't happennin.
Which segues to this thread and my other thread, not to flip the topic, will guys talk about it, yes a couple here, and now i add to this thread "HOW MANY GUYS INITIATED THE TERMINATION"
If the girl said "Dont call me ____ yourself, lost my number"......it would be a piece of cake.
Of course its easier if the addict does it. Doing a point blank, no contact to someone, who can't discuss issues including a recent event and has no interest in "ending it", for me is quite a tricky task..
The easy way would be if my AGF would leave me, or even agree to end it, but that ain't happennin.
Which segues to this thread and my other thread, not to flip the topic, will guys talk about it, yes a couple here, and now i add to this thread "HOW MANY GUYS INITIATED THE TERMINATION"
If the girl said "Dont call me ____ yourself, lost my number"......it would be a piece of cake.
Of course its easier if the addict does it. Doing a point blank, no contact to someone, who can't discuss issues including a recent event and has no interest in "ending it", for me is quite a tricky task..
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P.s. I think alot of women too have had to issue, a firm boundary sooner than men because of personal safety, and of course concerns for children safety. I've only seen one guy around at 12-step meetings, whining for months about the insanity of his wife, in front of his kids, but nothing "specific" about lying and cheating or even the use of those words.
Staying with someone who's lying and cheating, turns into a sort of love addiction phenomenon, in some cases. SLAA is pretty good for that, but again not too many guys and for me no local meetings.
Staying with someone who's lying and cheating, turns into a sort of love addiction phenomenon, in some cases. SLAA is pretty good for that, but again not too many guys and for me no local meetings.
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I'm a woman, so can't speak to what this is like as a guy, but I can say that like zoso, once I stopped enabling my AXBF, he got gone pretty quickly without much effort from me. Wantfreedom, have you given any thought to whether you are doing anything to enable her or putting up with bad behavior that maybe you should stop tolerating? Even if you aren't ready to dump her, drawing some firm boundaries might help you feel better, and who knows, maybe she will make it easy on you and leave!
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hi 1111111, yea, boundaries, thats what my other thread was about but it got into only talking about no contact.
I'll recap to date, I got my head spun for the past year in too many alanon meetings, and my interpretations of others shares, or perhaps, controlling alanon men in my head, who are aa/alanon and directed me to "be kind courteous and gentle" to the alcohlic/addict.
THATS REALLY ENABLING.
Abusers, need firm rigid boundaries, especially narcotics addicts.
So in the top of December, I started researching my old therapists techniques, journaling about what i knew, and found a new therapist and started doing ACA meetings, wghich put more focus on me, and the imperative need for me to worry about myself, my life, and then>>>naranon, which got validated my previously squashed (in alanon), awareness, of the manipulation and control the addict does to loved ones.Alanon guys who are untrained, un-licensed Alcohlic sympathists, were trying to play phone therapist with me, pick my brain on what I was doing>>>WRONG.
I got bamboozeled by a dope fiend woman. She showed up in my driveway after a communique on FBOOK, and began a series of lies. Simple as that. Its not brain surgery. Any guy woulda invited her in. She looks great, She never declared she was married for a long time, pretended she wasn't a drug addict anymore, but i didnt know they gotta do recovery and can't drink.
YA CAN"T BE kind, courteous and gentle with someone WHO IS ABUSIVE, Manipulating, arrogant, cunning and devious. IT SOLVES NOTHING. If you got years of program and its your child, or someone you really are connected too, ok, yea, yea, let go with love, but this girls an emotional terroist. mid 50's she's been scamming men for probably 40 yrs. She's like a black widow, but she doesnt kill people or scam money. this thing is basically a MINDF__K, by a person who's got more manipulative skills than i ever saw growing up with functional alcoholic parents.
At this point lately I'm wondering and ITS POSSIBLE, that telling her to _____ HERSELF, IS ENABLING in response to a text. IT MIGHT BE but she is not going to stop pursuing me, because her "all about her attitude" needs a peaceful me in her hometown, (she thinks she does)...but in any case, im working on it in therpay 2 to 3 x a week, for the last couple weeks.
Its about my own personal empowerment, and im getting there steady since top of december, My boundary is WHAT SHE DID IS WRONG, and IM not budging.
ITS a major step for me, I've caved on previous occassions, therefore enabling many times. ME HOLDING my position is good work for me, and its a boundary in itself. FOR NOW, she don't get me, or full access to me, like before. believe it or not its big FOR ME.
11111 how old was your AXBF and what was his drug of choice if i may ask? My AGF was heroin and cocaine presently uses alcohol as drug of choice.
Tnx for listening, tnx for sharing.
I'll recap to date, I got my head spun for the past year in too many alanon meetings, and my interpretations of others shares, or perhaps, controlling alanon men in my head, who are aa/alanon and directed me to "be kind courteous and gentle" to the alcohlic/addict.
THATS REALLY ENABLING.
Abusers, need firm rigid boundaries, especially narcotics addicts.
So in the top of December, I started researching my old therapists techniques, journaling about what i knew, and found a new therapist and started doing ACA meetings, wghich put more focus on me, and the imperative need for me to worry about myself, my life, and then>>>naranon, which got validated my previously squashed (in alanon), awareness, of the manipulation and control the addict does to loved ones.Alanon guys who are untrained, un-licensed Alcohlic sympathists, were trying to play phone therapist with me, pick my brain on what I was doing>>>WRONG.
I got bamboozeled by a dope fiend woman. She showed up in my driveway after a communique on FBOOK, and began a series of lies. Simple as that. Its not brain surgery. Any guy woulda invited her in. She looks great, She never declared she was married for a long time, pretended she wasn't a drug addict anymore, but i didnt know they gotta do recovery and can't drink.
YA CAN"T BE kind, courteous and gentle with someone WHO IS ABUSIVE, Manipulating, arrogant, cunning and devious. IT SOLVES NOTHING. If you got years of program and its your child, or someone you really are connected too, ok, yea, yea, let go with love, but this girls an emotional terroist. mid 50's she's been scamming men for probably 40 yrs. She's like a black widow, but she doesnt kill people or scam money. this thing is basically a MINDF__K, by a person who's got more manipulative skills than i ever saw growing up with functional alcoholic parents.
At this point lately I'm wondering and ITS POSSIBLE, that telling her to _____ HERSELF, IS ENABLING in response to a text. IT MIGHT BE but she is not going to stop pursuing me, because her "all about her attitude" needs a peaceful me in her hometown, (she thinks she does)...but in any case, im working on it in therpay 2 to 3 x a week, for the last couple weeks.
Its about my own personal empowerment, and im getting there steady since top of december, My boundary is WHAT SHE DID IS WRONG, and IM not budging.
ITS a major step for me, I've caved on previous occassions, therefore enabling many times. ME HOLDING my position is good work for me, and its a boundary in itself. FOR NOW, she don't get me, or full access to me, like before. believe it or not its big FOR ME.
11111 how old was your AXBF and what was his drug of choice if i may ask? My AGF was heroin and cocaine presently uses alcohol as drug of choice.
Tnx for listening, tnx for sharing.
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Ps. No contact is a manipulation of myself. It doesnt work for me, its not what best for me at this point. There's other therapeutic ways for me to empower myself and im doing it, i've done it before with a mildly co-dependent relationship, thru therapy and 12-step work. Each situation is different, a narc addict personality for me it TOTALLY DIFFERNT, like a sidewinder missle hit me,,,, but i feel im on the right path.
I have one boundary concept i might work up to, like a postal letter, but I gotta get the clarity, to figure that out, if thats best for me. I've been stockholm syndrome by a narc addict, doing whats best for a narcisstic woman. One thing for me is i gotta start doing the right thing for me, NOT "keep the focus on myself",,,,TAKE CARE OF ME, my needs, NOT her needs, do whats right for me. (some of the bozos i was talking to on the phone had me convinced the way to spirituality was "doing the right thing for the addict/alcoholic person),....NOOOOOOOOOOOO...that is not the way TO FREEDOM.. EMOTIONAL FREEDOM!!
TNX again.
I have one boundary concept i might work up to, like a postal letter, but I gotta get the clarity, to figure that out, if thats best for me. I've been stockholm syndrome by a narc addict, doing whats best for a narcisstic woman. One thing for me is i gotta start doing the right thing for me, NOT "keep the focus on myself",,,,TAKE CARE OF ME, my needs, NOT her needs, do whats right for me. (some of the bozos i was talking to on the phone had me convinced the way to spirituality was "doing the right thing for the addict/alcoholic person),....NOOOOOOOOOOOO...that is not the way TO FREEDOM.. EMOTIONAL FREEDOM!!
TNX again.
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