Are your feelings changing towards your addicted love one
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Are your feelings changing towards your addicted love one
I feel as time goes by my feelings toward my addicted love one is changing and not necessarily in a good way. I'm wondering if I am going through the process of detachment and don't realize it. Anyone else feeling this way? Am I getting fed up- giving up or something else?
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
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It may be because you understand the 3 C' s better and recognize you can't do his work for him. It's a resignation of sorts. If our loved ones don't want good things for themselves enough to fight for them why should we expend unnecessary amounts of energy thinking about it. You may be paying more attention to what you can change....your thought patterns, your reactions. As you get healthier you simply don't want to play the game any longer. Like me, you may be watching actions vs. Listening to words. I think it's a good thing....
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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Good topic. It does seem like resignation. I still pray for my son every day, but I just do not seem to have the expectant hope that I had before about him and his future.
I just saw Brideshead Revisited. It is a pretty vulgar movie, but I wanted to get through it because it is one that C.S. Lewis said was instrumental in his conversion to Christianity. One of the main characters develops alcoholism, and we never see this character come out of it. I am becoming resigned to that kind of life (and only that kind of life) for my son.
The sad thing is that, even if my son were to embrace recovery and become more the person God intended him to be, I just do not think I could ever let go of the fact that he could get to that other life in just a matter of weeks or months. I know I am projecting here, but I am protecting myself and preparing myself; to hell with optimism when it comes to this.
I just saw Brideshead Revisited. It is a pretty vulgar movie, but I wanted to get through it because it is one that C.S. Lewis said was instrumental in his conversion to Christianity. One of the main characters develops alcoholism, and we never see this character come out of it. I am becoming resigned to that kind of life (and only that kind of life) for my son.
The sad thing is that, even if my son were to embrace recovery and become more the person God intended him to be, I just do not think I could ever let go of the fact that he could get to that other life in just a matter of weeks or months. I know I am projecting here, but I am protecting myself and preparing myself; to hell with optimism when it comes to this.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Royersford pa
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I feel the same way l!!my husbands relationship to me has become more like a son.im not in love anymore,I don't know if I could be In love again even if he were clean. Bc if he truly loved me he would never have put me in this horrible situation. We have kids! He has no friends,his only family is me and his mom.yet he pushes me away, and silly me is still here trying to understand why he is the way he is,trying to change him!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Yes. My feelings have changed. The more I study the deffinition of love the more I realize I failed to love him in a spiritual and unselfish way.
Oh sure... I wanted him to find recovery, but that was so that I could have a better husband and marriage, not so that he could have a better life
I remember I used to really need attention from him, otherwise I felt neglected. This has been the biggest change in my feelings. Now, we go days or weeks without talking or sometimes months without seeing each other. Now that he is not in my everyday life, I find I can trust the things he says a little more, because I am not constantly policing his recovery or lack thereof.
I never understood before now why an addict simply cannot be in a healthy relationship or repair a broken marriage for the first year of recovery, but I think its bs how they sometimes use that as a scapegoat to ask their partners for "space for recovery" when really its space for using. I really think the space is sooooo good for us. I never would have chosen to separate on my own, so that is another way my feelings have changed.
I see him more as a friend now than as a partner. We aren't really "doing life" together anymore so idk... It just isn't a romantic relationship anymore.
As of today, I don't want a divorce. My therapist says it wouldn't be wise to make that big of a decision in the first year. Maybe that will change too.
I have gone through a lot of emotional changes in the last 6 months. Thank you for posting this thread.
Hugs!
Lily
Oh sure... I wanted him to find recovery, but that was so that I could have a better husband and marriage, not so that he could have a better life
I remember I used to really need attention from him, otherwise I felt neglected. This has been the biggest change in my feelings. Now, we go days or weeks without talking or sometimes months without seeing each other. Now that he is not in my everyday life, I find I can trust the things he says a little more, because I am not constantly policing his recovery or lack thereof.
I never understood before now why an addict simply cannot be in a healthy relationship or repair a broken marriage for the first year of recovery, but I think its bs how they sometimes use that as a scapegoat to ask their partners for "space for recovery" when really its space for using. I really think the space is sooooo good for us. I never would have chosen to separate on my own, so that is another way my feelings have changed.
I see him more as a friend now than as a partner. We aren't really "doing life" together anymore so idk... It just isn't a romantic relationship anymore.
As of today, I don't want a divorce. My therapist says it wouldn't be wise to make that big of a decision in the first year. Maybe that will change too.
I have gone through a lot of emotional changes in the last 6 months. Thank you for posting this thread.
Hugs!
Lily
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
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Oh Katied! Nail on the head for me! I told my AXH many times, "you are warping our roles of this relationship, you feel like my child and not my husband." I had no desire to be married to someone that was trying to put me in the mom role instead of the wife role.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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I feel exactly the same way as Liz has said. I finally gave up trying to save him, felt resigned and almost blase. Guess what? He is changing lately and for the better. I am not happy about his choice for the GF but its not my life and Ive kept out of it.
Because I am not chasing him down asking a million questions he talks more to me, does more for himself, treats me with more respect and actually is much more helpful. It's like when I decided to stop outwardly worrying and gave up the control and decided it was what it was and only he could change it, he started changing. Maybe he could feel me letting go and I also believe he knew I was at the point where I was giving up and had had enough. I feel like he wants to prove himself to me, that he can do things on his own and he wont let us down. We'll see. Time will tell.
There were times as well that I felt very angry (very, very angry), very hurt and even times I hated him (not really, but it felt like it!).
Because I am not chasing him down asking a million questions he talks more to me, does more for himself, treats me with more respect and actually is much more helpful. It's like when I decided to stop outwardly worrying and gave up the control and decided it was what it was and only he could change it, he started changing. Maybe he could feel me letting go and I also believe he knew I was at the point where I was giving up and had had enough. I feel like he wants to prove himself to me, that he can do things on his own and he wont let us down. We'll see. Time will tell.
There were times as well that I felt very angry (very, very angry), very hurt and even times I hated him (not really, but it felt like it!).
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Oh, I cried many tears. I was angry. I was destroyed. At the same time I would have taken him back because I loved him. Almost 3 years later, I have no respect for the pain and destruction he has left. I remember my sister telling me that there will come a day when I won't care about him. I think I have FINALLY gotten there. He has just caused to much pain.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Originally Posted by needingabreak 
Because I am not chasing him down asking a million questions he talks more to me, does more for himself, treats me with more respect and actually is much more helpful. It's like when I decided to stop outwardly worrying and gave up the control and decided it was what it was and only he could change it, he started changing. Maybe he could feel me letting go and I also believe he knew I was at the point where I was giving up and had had enough. I feel like he wants to prove himself to me, that he can do things on his own and he wont let us down. We'll see. Time will tell.
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