Twofish

Hi Lily, One of many things you brought up was when he threatened to take you off his visitors list is if your eyes looked "like pinned eyes", really? Sounds to me like he is still controlling you and your recovery. He should concentrate on his own recovery and his alone. Maybe you should stay away for awhile, get yourself strong and healthy. Did you shoot back to him that if you ever came to visit him and he had "pinned eyes" that it would be YOUR last visit to him? This is just my opinion and I'm proud of your recovery this far, keep up the good job. Don't let the judgement of others trigger or tempt your sobriety. TF

cleaninLI

Lily, I understand how you feel. I wouldn't like that either. I'm sure part of my success in recovery stems from the fact that my addiction isn't the topic of conversation here at my home. My husband and daughter never ask me about my addiction/recovery they act as if it never happened. I know it's there but they seem to have forgiven me and moved on. My husband says nothing but every morning I wake up to my daily dose of sub in a little tootsie-roll bank sitting on my dresser. Of course he puts it there before he leaves for work but never mentions it. I kind of like it that way. It makes me feel empowered. Like my recovery is my own and they trust me to continue my own program in the way that is right for me.

The other day my father sent me an email. In it he asked if I was on drugs and could he trust me to send a check for the kid's Christmas presents. That was the first time in 8 months that someone questioned my recovery. I felt embarressed and uncomfortable. Like I needed to prove I wasn't using. It actually caused me more stress and triggered me. I understand why he sent the email, but in a way I think it was not nessesary because he only has my word to go by. There would be no way to prove to him I wasn't using. I actually wrote back that I wasn't taking the pills, and that I understand if he doesn't believe me. That it would be ok if he didn't send the check. Well, he did send it, anyway. Of course I'm not angry that he questioned me. I do understand.

I just wanted to tell you that I think it's normal to have those kinds of feelings. Is there any way you can tell him how you feel about it?

cleaninLI

Lily I just wanted to add something here. After reading your entire thread about the day you visited your husband in jail. How you said that you don't feel guilty that you are able to look up at the stars...that he took the fall for you ect...

I might have this all wrong but perhaps the reason you feel this way and are annoyed by his trying to be your "warden" in your own recovery is because you feel he is somewhat responsible for your becoming addicted in the first place. It could be that you are angry with him.

Is this true that he was using before you and influenced you to start using? If so that would be very understandable why you have resentments towards him. Why you feel he should take the fall. Why he doesn't have the right to be in charge of your recovery. I would feel that way too.

I know it's each persons choice to start using drugs but if someone where around me using all the time and perhaps asking me to try it or tired of putting up with his use and finally giving in to it. "If I can't beat him join him" sort of thinking. Then I think I would blame that person too. Just thinking about that.

KeepinItReal

I have the same feelings when me hubs tells others that i'm "not allowed" to drink. When we are out and they ask if I would like an alcoholic beverage he quickly says... shes "not allowed". Its annoying and controlling. I would say no anyway...... but I know that it's in the spirit of trying to help me. It makes me feel incapable of saying no myself. It's really annoying.
When I sent my hubs paperwork on being codpendent himself .. he admit he got severely angry and threw the papers against the wall in jail. He def is. Usually addicts have both!!
I hope that he starts working on it for himself.
I personally am glad i'm out of my denial about it and have started to change the ways I think. Good luck!!