visited AH in jail *vent* **triggers**

Old 11-30-2013, 09:21 PM
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visited AH in jail *vent* **triggers**

I hope it is ok if I just lay it all out here. I'm so very thankful for all of my friends here.

MIL and grandpa went first, in the morning. I went later, in the evening.

First of all, I am counting blessings in all of this, because god has been showing himself all day, but it was still very stressful, and difficult.

Grandpa is dying of colon cancer, and most likely will be gone before D is released. God is good though, because gpa is a pastor, and has been in prison ministry before, so it doesn't seem to effect his emotions the same way it does the rest of us. Even though D is only allowed 1 visit per week, gpas visits do not count because he was given an unlimited clergy pass. I think that is great! Gpa doesnt struggle with enabling the same way that I, gma, and MIL do.

The whole family sat down over the phone before the visit. gpa shared some scripture, and I shared the "what addicts say from jail" reading from this site. we are all going to communicate how much money is on Ds books. We decided that he will only be given the bare minimum. We do not want to continue to enable.

gma refuses to visit. She does not believe it would be healthy for her recovery, she shared her guilt about this, and we all encouraged her not to feel that way, and how important it is to put her serenity first.

I went alone, and the waiting room was so crowded and stunk of vomit and urine. I have seen cleaner dope houses. If that is the cleanest part of the jail, then I don't even want to think how bad the dormitories are. There were several crying babies and children. I have to admit I was guilty of judging those mothers. One of them actually changed the baby right there on the dirty floor. I was disgusted with them and mortified. D and I decided from the beginning that the children will NOT be visiting him AT ALL and the only way they will be seeing the inside of a jail is if they put themselves there when they are older.

I know that God was with me, and felt my desire to be in and out as quickly as possible, and this is how I know:

It was obvious I was a first timer, and one of the "veteran" women took compassion on me, and started explaining how the game is played, the dress code, unspoken rules that aren't posted... etc. I found out that some of them had been there, waiting to see their inmates since noon or even earlier. It was about 5pm when I got there!!! I prayed to the lord and said NO WAY God. I will not sit in this hell on earth for that long. I am going home after two hours and I will see AH in your timing. That disgusting waiting room was the first time I have ever really let go.

I was dumbfounded when my name was called after only 45 minutes. Some of the other women got angry, and there were mutters of me paying off the guards. I remembered that what other people think of me is none of my business, and walked through the steel door for inspection. Several women were sent away after waiting for hours and hours for various dress code violations, everything from jewelry to belts, shoelaces, belly rings, immodest clothing and inappropriate shoes. I felt my fear of being sent away begin to rise, and once again I was forced to let go and let god. after we went through a metal detector I was squeezed into a tiny room with 20 other people and a screaming baby. we were read the rules again. no hugs. no kisses. no physical contact of any kind. stay on your side of the table. no cross talk with other inmates. My head began to spin. Fear crept in again, I was sure I was going to break a rule and be banned from all visitation forever.

I get to the table and he was handcuffed to it, and chained to the floor. This time it was his turn to inspect my pupils. He admired the sobriety he could see in my eyes. He vented to me all about the things he was too afraid to tell grandma, and now I am venting this all to you because my sponsor is at work and I don't want to tell my dad. He said he is terrified, and has been kept safe only by the grace of god. He stopped and refused to say more, but I manipulated him into telling me. He said that he sees men get violated if you know what I mean. I don't want to type the R word, if they owe money or if they steal. He has seen a LOT of violence in the dormitory. Just last night a man was killed. and I KNOW there is more he wouldn't tell me and that is ok with me. I silenced him. I had heard enough.

Oh, I should add that this facility is NOT a prison. It is the county jail. He does not move to prison until sometime after January 7th. That is the date of his sentencing. He is being held in county because he pleaded guilty to a crime of holding narcotics (heroin)

As of right now, I am sitting on my balcony, enjoying the stars, and my freedom. It was My dope that was in his pocket the night he got arrested, and I praise god for his mercy, and I thank D for not giving the police my name in order to get a better plea. I don't feel guilt for him being there. If he had not had priors he would have been sent to rehab, not jail, although I did play a huge part in this because we were using together.

I feel peace. God will keep him safe if he behaves, and will send him to heaven if he does not. I want everyone reading this to understand that this was a GOOD experience for me and my recovery. It was very traumatizing, kinda like how kids get sent to tour the jail when they have behavioral problems.

thank you everyone, if you have read this far, and hugs to you all.
Lily
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Old 11-30-2013, 09:38 PM
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I don't think I have ever been without words reading a post. But I am without words. I have no words.
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Old 11-30-2013, 09:53 PM
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Ok I can't help it. It was your dope that sent him away and you feel no guilt because he has priors? And you're at peace because of he behaves God will take care of him, and if he doesn't God will send him to heaven?

Dee74 take me away now because I'm about to lose it........
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Old 11-30-2013, 10:31 PM
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no offense taken raider. =] everyone has a right to their feelings. I appreciate and respect your honesty.

D told me that our HP put him there for a reason, and to never ever question His will. I know that my HP wouldn't want me to wallow in guilt and sorrow. D told me tonight that his sin was his, and mine is mine. His consequences are his, and mine are mine.

I guess I should have said our dope...

The only way I can ever make amends to my husband is to stay sober, at least that's what he says. when I asked him tonight.

I respect him for not dragging me to jail with him. IDK, maybe he should have, maybe most addicts would for a better plea, but in his own codependency he rescued me. That is something I will never be able to repay. enabling or not, his silence effected me to change. Just like when the preist forgave Jean Valjean for stealing silver from the church in Les Miserables.

I feel nothing but gratitude. Its hard to explain without using a bunch of Christian jargin that D and I banter back and forth a LOT about. I avoid that here, just cuz I know that not everyone believes the same as we do.

I will limit myself to saying once again that husbands in our faith are called to love their wives as Christ loves the human race, and D has failed at this many many many times, but in this one particular season of our lives. He did.
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Old 11-30-2013, 10:59 PM
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"I will limit myself to saying once again that husbands in our faith are called to love their wives as Christ loves the human race, and D has failed at this many many many times, but in this one particular season of our lives. He did."

That blows me away. My faith also says to love. But just because your husband has failed many times, does that mean it's ok for him to take the fall for you. You said you are on the balcony enjoying your freedom and you feel no guilt while your H is in jail hoping he doesn't screw up so God can take him to heaven. Whoa girlfriend. That's messed up.
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Old 12-01-2013, 12:25 AM
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I think you misunderstand the point. He was using too. He had a choice not to go pick up. Everyone has a choice not to enable. He could have said "no way, go get it yourself" maybe even added a "and if you do then don't come home" like so many here have done a hundred times. I would have, and I wouldn't have come home, but he didn't, you see what I mean? these are his words to me tonight at least.

buying drugs is illegal. He is doing time for buying drugs. He takes responsibility for that and doesn't shift blame onto me.

oh well. what you think of me is none of my business Raider. Neither is it my job to try to make you understand that I was merely saying that I am not in control of if he survives this bid or not, so I am choosing not to live in worry doubt and fear. how about you put me on ignore, take what you want, leave the rest, and only share ESH please.

best of wishes on your journey towards healing.

oh, and real love doesn't buy each other drugs, or enable addiction that's codependency. I just re read my post to make sure, and not once did I say I love him. I haven't said I love him in months, because real love is not whatever our marriage was. I can't love him until I love myself. He is my husband. I made a commitment. end of story.
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Old 12-01-2013, 05:44 AM
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I have been following your story for a long time on this forum. Fear and guilt only serve to block our path to recovery, I think it's good that you recognize individual autonomy in your experiences and that you own your own behavior and allow D to own his. We have all made mistakes, not a single one of us can say we have never done anything we regret, I too had to forgive myself and move on from the ways in which I contributed to my sister's addiction. To do otherwise would keep us both trapped down in that black hole.

Your experience sounds intense, I've never visited my sister or other family in jail. I'm glad you had the strength to share your story here.
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Old 12-01-2013, 08:25 AM
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Lilly, I relate to your post. The visitors are often treated like criminals. The fact that this violence is happening in a county jail doesn't surprise me either. Sometimes they are actually worse than the State prisons. "The degree to which a society is civilized can be judged by entering it's prisons" is a famous quote by a pastor. It's good that your husband has learned the unwritten rules inside. It will go a long way in his incarceration.
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Old 12-01-2013, 12:41 PM
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If you really cared about him you wouldn't of let him take the blame for your dope, take responsibility for your actions, you are not only lying to yourself but you are lying to God, THAT will not get you into heaven, do something right, tell the police he is taking the blame for your irresponsible actions. I'm sorry if this hurts you, but that is addictions cold harsh truth.
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Old 12-01-2013, 04:00 PM
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Thank you everyone who took the time to reply to this post. I know it is a doozy, and that is why I labeled it with the trigger warning up top.

I realize in the light of day, that it was wrong of me to send D that night, whether we were both smoking or not. We never should have enabled each other.

I have been given severe consequences for using, but I choose not to share them here because it is a friends and family forum. I have other outlets concerning my addiction like my sponsor, therapist, meetings, and the pastors wife for that.

This is my favorite place to come though concerning my marriage to an addict.

I'm not sure that I am capable of real love at this point in my life. I know I do not want him to be hurt. I did tell his lawyer all about how I was involved in the situation before he signed the plea. The lawyer asked D if six months less time was worth losing the kids even more than we already had (we only get visitation 50% of the week) and that honestly most of the time what happens is that the court gets the names and then the judge rejects the plea 90% of the time, and he would be sentenced to full time anyway. D said no, idk... He told me yesterday he has never been a snitch and never will be.


Either way, wrong or not, what's done is done, I am darn near 3 months sober now and have every intention of staying that way, one day at a time. I am done. I'm done with D. Done with the police, and the courts, the jail and the probation office and child protective services.

I am struggling because so much of me just wants to cut D out of my life now. I feel like my HP took him away for a reason. I feel like I should just be done. I'm so sick of the lifestyle and the legal problems.

but because of the nature of the situation I feel trapped. how dare I dump him when he is in there when I didn't get caught? I don't know... I'm really struggling with my decision about to divorce him or not. I'm not asking for anyone to tell me to stay or go either.

I should have dumped him a Looong time ago when I first came here and he went to rehab and everybody told me to run.
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Old 12-01-2013, 04:50 PM
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Your husband is a good man. The fact that he did not snitch is very honorable. I know when the police kept coming to my house to ask questions about my son I finally told them to get a search warrant. I was not going to give any information that could hurt him or his friends. Your husband will do fine in prison because the one rule is no snitching.
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Old 12-02-2013, 06:28 PM
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I am a long time county jail visitor. Sad but true. My husband has always said he would never let me go to jail if he could have prevented it. I know he would do time for things I'm EQUALLY guilty of.

I count my blessings and lucky stars I have not been incarcerated.

Its good your keeping your peace. One day at a time. That's all. I did one day .... at a time and still do. Four years later I'm sober, have my own place, car, pay my bills, hold a job and have self respect and love for myself. Those one days add up. Keep it up!

You shouldn't have gone to jail. He was unlucky and got caught. He shouldn't have been buying dope. Period.
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Old 12-02-2013, 07:41 PM
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Originally Posted by KeepinItReal View Post
I am a long time county jail visitor. Sad but true. My husband has always said he would never let me go to jail if he could have prevented it. I know he would do time for things I'm EQUALLY guilty of.

I count my blessings and lucky stars I have not been incarcerated.

Its good your keeping your peace. One day at a time. That's all. I did one day .... at a time and still do. Four years later I'm sober, have my own place, car, pay my bills, hold a job and have self respect and love for myself. Those one days add up. Keep it up!

You shouldn't have gone to jail. He was unlucky and got caught. He shouldn't have been buying dope. Period.
It seems like some type of honor system with them doesn't it? I heard a few stories in the waiting room and their men had done the same. Now you say your husband is the same way.

I have days where I'm ok, days where I am not. It really does have to be one day at a time. I did a check for the amount of time online. I wanted a date, a countdown. The minimum with good time would be somewhere around December 2015. the maximum would be somewhere around October 2016. It is all unknown of course before sentencing in January, and even more unknown because he could get caught up inside and never come out. ever. It happens all the time.

I just cannot wrap my head around that. He quacks that it could only be six months to a year but I don't see how he could swing that.

I cant keep my focus on him. I need to stay on me. I need to be ok whether he is here or not whether he ever comes home or not. I will never ever be ok if I lay in bed crying that it is my fault that this happened. I do not know why god showed me grace that day. I just don't know...

I am battling fear more than anything. I have so much fear. I have never felt it before. I don't know why... what have I to be afraid of? losing him I guess. losing him to the system, losing him to prison forever... I tell myself I never really had him to begin with. It was all about drugs, but somehow, someway... I doubt that. Letting go is hard to do. I think that is why God has always ripped him out of my hands, and I'm left here kicking and screaming in my codependency like a 3 year old.
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Old 12-02-2013, 08:52 PM
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Hi Lily, You are so right, you must keep the focus on you and maintaining your sobriety! What's done is done. To obsess over this will serve no good purpose. Concentrate on your health and the health of your family. You are sober now, don't let a trigger awaken that demon. If you must fear, fear a relapse. Otherwise, be the strong woman you are. Don't dwell, go forward. You are in my prayers Lily. TF
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Old 12-02-2013, 08:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Twofish View Post
Hi Lily, You are so right, you must keep the focus on you and maintaining your sobriety! What's done is done. To obsess over this will serve no good purpose. Concentrate on your health and the health of your family. You are sober now, don't let a trigger awaken that demon. If you must fear, fear a relapse. Otherwise, be the strong woman you are. Don't dwell, go forward. You are in my prayers Lily. TF
thanks TF. I have read your story and pray for your strength and for quick healing for your daughter. I hope that things are going well for you.
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Old 12-03-2013, 07:33 PM
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Over time I have learned to live without him. Then living with him. Our best recovery comes from inside ourselves. Its ok to miss him but not depend on him. Don't be scared for him... it will not help. Hes scared for himself.
Bad things happen to regular people too. Car accidents, disease, bad circumstances... but life goes on. Be strong for him and assure him you are doing your best. Send him inspirational books if you can afford it. Soft covers only! Anyway... reading and time to himself can be good/bad. Visiting is horrible... but it means a lot to him. You can be supportive of him but also put yourself first. Its about balance.

You will be stronger and wiser getting through these battles. You will grow and learnmore about how wonderful and beaurltigul you are. Its all about love. Just love and things will fall into place.
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Old 12-03-2013, 07:53 PM
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Originally Posted by KeepinItReal View Post
Over time I have learned to live without him. Then living with him. Our best recovery comes from inside ourselves. Its ok to miss him but not depend on him. Don't be scared for him... it will not help. Hes scared for himself.
Bad things happen to regular people too. Car accidents, disease, bad circumstances... but life goes on. Be strong for him and assure him you are doing your best. Send him inspirational books if you can afford it. Soft covers only! Anyway... reading and time to himself can be good/bad. Visiting is horrible... but it means a lot to him. You can be supportive of him but also put yourself first. Its about balance.

You will be stronger and wiser getting through these battles. You will grow and learnmore about how wonderful and beaurltigul you are. Its all about love. Just love and things will fall into place.
This came at a much needed time. thank you. I missed a call from him today, but that is ok because I was at a meeting and he got to talk to my dad instead. He said to encourage me that he is safe, and that he has paper and envelopes now to write. He said not to send any money, because he has everything he needs. The chaplain gave him a Bible today! and that he has never been so thankful for a Bible, growing up as a pastors kid he got sick and tired of always getting them for Christmas. I am thankful that he is not asking for money. I don't have it to send.

today was good for me. I got some housework done, and I began to sew the kids Christmas outfits. My son will have a forest green dress shirt with silver buttons and a red tie. He already has the suit jacket and pants. My daughter will have a pretty red dress with a green sash. I already made the petticoat for her birthday. I visited my mom and we are making baby clothes (she knits and I crochet) for the Phoenix Childrens Hospital. We are making them santa hats and the cutest little green ones with elf ears.

I get lonely during this time of night. This is a learning process for me for sure. I have been repeating positive quotes in my mind all night. I watched Jerry Macguire and I laughed because of how he just can't stand to be alone and thought "hahahaha!!!! that's sooooo me! =]

I am thankful for all of the support I receive on this site.
sending warm hugs to all of you
Lily
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Old 12-19-2013, 12:47 PM
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** update**

D called me today to say thank you for sending Alongside Prison Ministries out to see him. He answered my question about whether I overstepped his boundaries by not asking first. He says that the ministry is great and he loves it and really wants to get involved and wanted to know if I am involved in their "outmate" ministry.

I said yes and then stayed quiet and let him do most of the talking. I don't really talk to my friends about him at all so I thought I would come here to vent because it feels like the only safe place I have sometimes to talk about my addicted prison marriage.

First off he asked if I was still sober and attending my IOP. Yes and yes. He said that he is sober too. Some new guy brought in dope, but he declined. He said he would rather smoke it anyway, which he can't, and lately he has been drug tested every other day. If he fails he will get thrown in the hole, loose privileges, and all of his good time. It is really nice to know he is telling the truth, and even nicer that I don't bother to ask if he is using or not.

He rambled the entire 30 minutes about this ministry. Honestly, it felt really good to hear him talk about God and church. I haven't had many conversations with him since he went to jail, and the ones I have had have been about court and sentencing and treatment and the program. The last time we were actually together we were both in active addiction, so all we talked about was money... and drugs of course.

So, this ministry is really awesome. There is a guy who comes to him once a week for an hour who is also a recovering heroin addict. D really admires him. He says he is not a sponsor, and they don't talk the program ( 12 steps) they read the bible and talk about their kids and wives, triggers. This mentor has also served time, so they talk about that. D asked if I like my lady they assigned to me. She is also a recovering addict and wife of an ex inmate. We meet every other week and do the same thing.

He told me he bought me a Christmas present from the commisary and put it in the mail today. It is a devotional for married couples with one in prison, one on the outside. It is a year long study, and starts in January. The devotional is the same each day and then there are several response questions you answer and then mail to your spouse. I think that was nice of him. He could have spent what little money he has on a radio or snacks or whatever. It touched my heart a little bit.

He also said he should have asked first, but he signed us up for 12 weeks of marriage counselling after his release. As well as an 8 week long re-entry study before his release. All free. All through the ministry. He said he should have asked first, but wanted to do something.

He says he also signed up for 16 weeks of outpatient rehab when he gets out. This program is also free. He is not sure if he will come home, or go back to inpatient treatment at the Salvation Army. He says he does not want to go to a sober living house. He would rather either be home or at the Sally.

Ugh!!! Ahhhhh!!!! I'm so overloaded with information. I do feel better now that I am regurgitating it all here. He is future trippin to the max!!! His release is so far away and I don't even want to think about it.

He is so different now. I know that recovery looks like recovery, and he is in it now, he could just as easily be using in there and getting tattoos and raising hell, but he isn't. I don't know how to feel. I don't know what to think. Right now I still feel like he always does well when he is locked up in a box, whether it is rehab or now this, but it is when he gets out that he F***s up.

I know he doesn't want to be in solitary confinement again, that is why he isn't using. I also know that we addicts only ever stop when the pain of using outweighs the benefits. If all of this time passes, and he gets out and relapses he will be put away for 10 years. I don't know if that is enough. I don't want to say my husband is really embracing recovery because I don't know.

Personally, it is a pet peeve of mine when people say that someone else has hit their bottom. How presumptive and prideful. No one knows what another persons bottom is except that person.

D is very concerned about whether or not I am sober. He says I better not ever come to see him with pinned eyes or he will take me off of the list and not let me back ever again. He says he will not emotionally enable me. He also said that if we do decide to live together again and I relapse he won't kick me out, but he will leave, and take the kids with him.

I have read the "things addicts say from jail" a thousand times. I'm feeling flustered and frustrated. I never thought I would see the day that his recovery was stronger than mine. I'm triggered in a codependent way. Resentful as well. Sorry this is so long I just really needed to get it all out.
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Old 12-19-2013, 09:51 PM
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I'm upset that he is being my recovery warden. I thought I was done venting, but I'm laying in bed and I'm angry. I deffinately need to let that go. I'm trying to remind myself that I used to do the same things to him. How many meetings did he go to this week? what step was he on? He wasn't talking to old using friends was he? He should go to this rehab etc. I took the kids away from him and when he was clean I reminded him I would do it again. I gave him ultimatums... the whole codependent 9 yards. Well he is now asking me all of these questions. I'm sure if he was here he would be checking my texts, emails and call logs. I've never hidden the password from him simply because I am ok with him looking at my phone because I have nothing to hide. I have to admit, however, that now that the tables have turned I'm quite upset about it. I'm trying to remember that even in his extensive treatment he has not ever addressed his codependency. He has only ever been to a handful of al-anon meetings that I am aware of. They don't have al-anon in jail, so I imagine it isn't going away anytime soon.


I'm frustrated with his codependency more than his addiction. I felt smothered today and it was only for 30 min. I think I am over reacting and he was just wanting to know if I'm working a program. Its not like he can see my actions from in there, so all he has are words. To his credit, he didn't express any resentment towards me for not being locked up, and didn't accuse me of lying, so that's good I guess.
(Sigh) I do feel a little better now. Thanks y'all for reading =]
Lily
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Old 12-20-2013, 03:56 AM
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Hi Lily, sounds like you're giving this some really good thought. Maybe tell D the great quote that gets shared on this site often....recovery looks and sounds like recovery. Addiction looks and sounds like addiction. I have a feeling he would know soon enough if your recovery wasn't looking and sounding strong. Keep on keeping on. You're doing great!
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