Bella7

Not looking for advice, no need for anyone to even reply really (but feel free if you want to)... just hoping that putting it all down will be cathartic somehow.

So sister#2 is off the deep end. She lives at home with my parents. Parents are out of town.

The police called my parents to let them know that sister#2 is having hallucinations and delusions. They are considering taking her to the mental ward to be admitted under the mental health act. My mother says "they think she'll be ok until we get home though) Translation: I think my mother asked them not to take her because they'll come home to take care of her.

Sister#2 tells my mother that this is happening because she is going through withdrawal from her pain meds (heavy duty narcotics) which were stolen by a friend. I call BS. This woe is me crap on her part is ridiculous.

If she's hanging out with the type of people who do drugs and would therefore steal her pain meds, then she is likely up to no good either. Normal people don't become BFF's with drug addicts. Sorry. Doesn't happen. I tell my mom that she must be doing drugs. Either that, or she sold her pain meds to get gambling money. Either way, she's up to no good. My mom says "Well, maybe... but she says her friend STOLE her meds"

OMFG!!! How my mother can even consider believing her story is beyond me. Drives me crazy to hear her being so gullible.

So, my parents spent 2k to change their flights and rush home tonight. My mother asks me is either myself or my husband can pick them up at the airport. (this means hubby or I wouldn't be home until 1 or 1:30 in the morning.)

Good grief. Whenever I travel, I take a taxi home since I don't want to trouble them - to be honest, my mother would probably say she's too busy even if I did ask, since she refuses to even babysit my kids (too busy taking care of sister#1's little one, and constantly helping sister#1 and #2 keep their heads above water). Add to that the fact they are very well off and can easily afford to take a taxi home, and I don't understand why they don't want to spend the money on a freaking taxi. Assuming their flight arrives on time, by the time they get through customs and pick up their luggage, it'll be midnight or later. By the time hubby or I get home from dropping THEM off at home, it'll be 1 or 1:30 in the morning. We have a 4 year old that still wakes us up in the night, exhausting us, and have to get up early the next morning for work/getting our oldest kiddo to school.

So I say no, I'm sorry, but we can't pick, them up. My mom takes this very well, and acts very understanding, but I know... I just know... it will be used against me in future. You know... an example of not wanting to help out. Freaking hell.

So now, I will go about my day... hoping sister #2 is not dead from some overdose, or, another car accident (she has them several times a year, sometimes on a monthly basis). My chest is tight and hurts... I hate this... makes it hard to forget what is going on when your own body physically reminds you. Sigh.

Txhelp

Gosh...you sound frustrated and angry! I would be to....it may be time to say "no" and detach from your sister and maybe even refrain from any visits in your parents household. Perhaps state that you don't want to know what is happening with your sister(s). It's just to upsetting and is interupting your life at this point.

Your parents are codependents in full force and don't let them take you down with the ship. I know it's very difficult.

Glad you came here to vent! Hugs to you.

needingabreak

Im so sorry you are hurting and having to go through this. Drug addiction takes lots of prisoners. The good thing is we do not have to remain prisoners. You have your husband and child to worry about. Coming from a parent's stand point, it is very difficult to admit your child is an addict and face it. Very hard. We will do everything we can do negate it until it finally stares us in the face and then slaps us so hard we have no choice. Just wanted to reach out and let you know there are many here who will listen and give virtual hugs for what you are going through.

Bella7

Thanks all.

Well, sister #2 sent me an e-mail, so she is still alive. This is good.

Spoke to my mom again, who mentioned that she'd considered asking me if I'd mind watching over my sister today (until my parents' flight lands) to keep her company since sister#2 is so scared (due to the delusions/hallucinations) I confirmed that she was right not to ask me since my answer would be no.

If she does drugs, I will not be her keeper.

re: Christmas - gosh would I ever love to just see my parents, without my sisters in tow. Would make it the first Christmas in YEARS that was nothing but happy times with zero drama, and no worries about drama. The thought makes me giddy!

Bella7

So it's 4:36 in the morning and I'm lying awake, crying. Can't sleep.

My heart is breaking to pieces.

I confessed to my mother that I dread family holidays due to so much stress and worry over what my sisters will do this time. Will sister1 be threatening to leave and go kill herself again? Will there be another year where sister 1 kicks my mother in the gut? Will sister2 get in yet another car accident? (she gets in several a year) What's going to happen THIS time?

My mother, for some inexplicable reason then TELLS this to my sisters?

WTH???

Predictably, my drug addled sisters are now "very hurt" per my mother.

I then get a series of ranting angry emails from sister2 (the one who's shenanigans caused my parents to cut their vacation short and pay 2k to come home early) saying she's the only one who cares about them and that because of me, my father's upcoming b-day get-together is cancelled.

My mother tells me sister2 "is bang on"

!!!!! Is my mother for real? I'm in disbelief.

And mom also once again insinuated a lack of caring on my part due to my travel plans (we're leaving next summer to travel for minimum 1 year) The guilt trips are killing me.

I am expected to stand by and suffer as I watch my sisters self-destruct... supposed to let it destroy me too I suppose... supposed to suck it up for my psrent's sake... supposed to be strong enough to take this stress.

BUT I CAN'T DO THIS. I cannot handle it and feel like it will send me over the edge. I am falling apart. It's bad enough what goes on with my sisters but to feel like my parents would take their side over mine on THIS! It's almost more than I can take.

Frig. It's 5:01 a. m now, I've had 4 hours sleep and have to get up for work in 2 hours... sigh. Just can't sleep though...

lauren

You can do this and have been..don't doubt the steps that you have taken..
as I see it you have mastered the language of saying "no"..and yes it is very'
draining to take a stand..we can teach by example even if it has to be the
other way around for your parents.

Good job so far..don't give in..rest well and thank your good wisdom on keeping
your own family safe and drama free.

lauren

Bella7

Thanks Lauren... I desperately need a pep talk. I finally gave up trying to sleep 15 minutes ago... today is going to be a rough day on less than 4 hours of sleep. Just have to slog through it... my head is pounding so hard right now.

lauren

Bella..it isn't an easy task to know right and see wrong when it comes to
our loved ones. You will be tired today as it takes our minds into an unknown
world of chaos. I feel you have strength to let go for awhile as this is really
not your battle and if your family consider it otherwise..always remember that
down the road your own child will know that you stand for integrity not for
giving in. You are your own master although it hurts like heck right now.

lauren

interrupted

My family was (is) similarly chaotic. Every holiday filled me with dread and stress. Last Christmas was the first one I skipped. I'm skipping this one also. I had to let them go for now, I simply don't have the strength to carry their burden any longer at this time. Last Christmas was great - small dinner at home with my fiance, trimming the tree, it was so special. I'm actually looking forward to Christmas this year, I'm excited to shop for a couple of decorations and get our new annual ornament for the tree. We're building our own traditions on our own as a small family. It really can get better, but sometimes it takes letting go first.

The hardest part was the first time I told them I wasn't going to be joining them for Christmas. Once I did that a weight lifted and my limited contact protected me from whatever their backlash might have been. I can't help how they feel - they will be stressed, angry, and chaotic NO MATTER WHAT I DO. They've chosen that, that is their right, but I don't have to. The chaos is ever-present. It has nothing to do with me. Whether I go home for Christmas or not, it will always be a stressful, agonizing Christmas in that house, so I choose not to participate.

Was my mom upset? Probably. But I'm doing what's best for me and I have light in my life again. She is very enmeshed in my addicted sister and family, it's no longer healthy for me to have a close relationship with them at this time. I hope they choose the lightness of recovery someday as well. Until they do my Christmases will still be warm and festive with my own small family.

Hawkeye13

Hi Bella;
I grew up in high-drama-alcoholic-divorced-mother-Jeckell-and-Hyde holiday land too.
Substitute your siblings and we would both recognize the show, I expect.

You are doing the right thing by saying no and detaching. lauren is spot on I think in her read--saying no is a change in the pattern and very draining for you. But it needs to be said the the elephant acknowledged. Maybe you should really focus on some more structured recovery steps for yourself.

Sometimes the best defense is a good offense. What do you need to do for yourself and your family to enjoy the holidays this year? What about staying at home and celebrating there, and inviting your parents, or the whole family if you want, for a short visit where you have control of the environment? If siblings are angry maybe they won't choose to come. So what if they are still active abusers and taking crap out on you for being the "good girl". I was also the good girl, and it is a thankless role especially during holiday season.

In short, what is your "wish list" for a happy holiday season this year? Be your own Santa and give it to yourself and your immediate family.

lizwig

Hi Bella...Ahhh yes holiday angst. EVERYONE has their role to play. But remember nothing changes if nothing changes. I don't think I can say it and better than the posters above. It is your holiday as well....You get to choose how far to crank up the "chaos-o-meter". I like the idea of inviting your parents to your house, even if just for Christmas Eve...starting your own traditions is a good thing. I've also noticed with the manipulative people in our family (addicted or not) that when someone doesn't agree to play along the behavior can amp up a bit in an effort to make you change your mind rather than deal with the discomfort. Keep your statements "I" statements...and let the chips fall where they may. If the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior then I think we have the option of deciding how our holidays should look. They have 363 other days out of the year to demonstrate any positive changes. Have fun! Enjoy these special times with your children...it truly goes too fast.

Sara21

Hi Bella,
Sorry you are going through this....I know how much it sucks. I think you are absolutely doing the right thing by keeping your distance from your family. As stressed out as you are now, you would probably be even more stressed out if you were more involved in their lives. It seems that your parents are trying to "cure/fix" your sisters problems (we know how well that works out) and don't understand why you're not trying to do the same. I really admire the strength it must take to hold your ground and stand up to all of them.
I'm glad to hear that you and your family will be traveling, it will give you a chance to be farther away from the drama. I suspect some members of your family may try to guilt you into staying, but everyone has the right to live their own life. It seems that you are choosing to do so in a healthy way and I hope that one day in the near future, your family chooses the healthy path too.

Chino

Oh Jesus. I felt my blood pressure rise reading your post, Bella. My mother shared confidences too. My therapist said she identified with my sister, so she took it all very personally and went where she'd find sympathy. It's really sick and twisted.

I could type out 40+ years of bat **** crazy insanity, but I'll cut to the chase: I no longer trust my mother and avoid her at all costs.

Bella7

Thanks so much everyone - don't know why, but it is so comforting to know people out there totally get it.

So, at 6:30 in the morning that day, I decided screw it - I couldn't sleep, so figured it was time to lie this dog to rest once and for all.

I wrote out an e-mail (read: novel) to my parents - cc'd both of them - with an e-mail, there can be no interruptions, unlike a real-life converstation, and I could be 100% sure I said everything, and I mean everything, so I'd know in my heart that any future misunderstandings or thoughts on my parents' part where they'd think I don't care or whatever, were not due to my not saying I do. At least I'll know I did all I could to make sure they know, and if they still have times where they feel I don't, it's not for a lack of my having said otherwise.

Explained everything. Spelled it out, including that I love them etc., will miss them when I travel, and a bunch of other stuff.

My mom hasn't replied. But my dad did, and it made my day. He understands. He gets it. Thank god (if there is one, anyhow).

You see, my dad isn't one to chat on the phone, so almost all info I get about what he thinks of everything pretty much comes through my mother. And often that puts doubt in my mind - not saying she does this on purpose, but rather, I think it's just the filter she sees life and other people through - and it's often a messed up filter, largely, I think, due to the way she's thrown herself so hard into trying to save my sisters from themselves. Based on what my dad wrote, I don't think it was the case that he felt I didn't care after all... but in any case, if he even felt that way a tiny bit, it seems it's a non-issue and I worried too much.

Even as a kid, it was my dad that was most likely to "get me" - to understand why I felt as I did about stuff - my mom and I have always been so different in terms of personality.

So, the e-mail I got from my dad meant a lot. god it made me so happy I cried. Yes, more crying... but at least happy tears that time.

Lesson learned - I think maybe if my dad is not a phone talker, I will e-mail him more often...

So now, I feel like I'm coming off another emotional rollercoaster - it's so not good to let this stuff get under my skin the way it does sometimes. Just not healthy.

I had a 12 hour sleep last night to make up for the previous night's lack of sleep, and I'm feeling much better this morning. Got through the exhaustion yesterday and needing to be at work via lots of caffeinated beverages - was the only way to function without passing out. I was just so tired.

So today, I will get back into my OWN life - got nothing done last week with all the drama on my mind - time to put that away, lock it up, and throw away the key.

Don't know when I'll hear from my mom, but I'm too exhausted by all this to even call her - it's not that I don't care, but I'm just spent. Can't do it. Eventually this will pass and things will get back to normal between my mom and I - they always do. Maybe it will take a week, maybe a few months. But I just don't have the energy to mop it up right now... I just don't. So I'll wait, and if she calls, she calls. And if she doesn't, she doesn't.

She's probably too busy trying to reign in my sisters right now anyhow. Not saying that with any resentment at the moment, more of just resignation to the way things are. (Can't say I'm above feeling resentment again in future, but just don't have it in me right now...I'm so spent...)

Anyhow, wanted to post an update, and thank you all so much for taking the time to read and respond (((HUGGGS)))) to all of you!!!!