tripleaaa

Hi I am new to this forum. I have 20 years of recovery and about a year ago met a sweet guy that was about 6 months sober. We talked for hours, he is a very genuine guy that I basically fell for the first time we "hooked up". We hooked up a few times then things got busy and we basically just texted. He is much younger than I am so basically I didn't know where it was going to go. He got 11 months of sobriety and graduated a treatment place and unfortunately relapsed. Then we starteed texting again and became boyfriend and girlfriend. In the past 4 months I am sad to say that he overdosed twice and has been to 3 detoxes. He is addicted to heroin. Right now he just completed detox and is in a transitions place. I love him with all my heart and wish I could help him.
The problem I have is that people judge me. Yes he is younger but his grandmother and I have been the only 2 people in his life that support him 100%.
I am wondering if anyone out here has ever been in this situation. Our age difference? My sobriety?

glitterdeva

I am also new to this forum. My advise - let him do it on his own. I never thought I say it. I met my husband in 2010, he was in recovery, we fell in love, my whole family and friends were against it. EVERYONE turned away from me. I have 3 kids from previous marriage. EVERYONE judged me. I was alone. He relapsed in my house with my kids, I kicked him out and instead of letting him do rehab on his own, I was there. I wrote letters, visited, gave money. When he moved to the sober house, he visited every weekend. Money, help, money. Then he went to jail to do time for the charge that he caught while doing H. 2 freaking years - 2 years of visits, money, support. He came home, relapsed, I let him stay (STUPID, SHOULD HAVE SEND HIM ON HIS WAY), he just came clean that for the past 5 months he has been getting high.

I love him to death. But, I think my mistake was that I became his enabler, almost like his mom. He did NOTHING on his own. Nothing.

You can be there for him, I don't know - phone calls, letters, but don't give him any money, don't do his work for him. I hate myself for helping him because in the end, I have exactly what I had 3 years ago - an active addict who is desperate and who will use everything in his power to get his fix. I am sorry, i am just very, very, very mad right now. At myself

tripleaaa

WOW!!! Your story sounds a lot like mine. Yikes I should say. But I have been reading a lot and googling a lot and have realized that my boyfriend/your husband are very sick people like people with cancer. We have to treat them that way. They are sick. It sounds like your husband wanted to get sober and did a lot of things to try and get sober. Maybe he will again. Please don't give up hope or faith you are probably the only person that he has. Don't beat yourself up. Have you tried Al-Anon? It's a good place. Good luck and thank you. I might feel like you in 3 years too. I hope my boyfriend will be sober by then and have a nice life.

KeepinItReal

tripleaaa - It's difficult to not be judgmental with this post.
I'm an ex-addict. First things first... and addict loves drugs and feels they cannot live without drugs. They love drugs more than you, people, kids, everything. This is a sad truth. Waiting around, giving, pleading, manipulating... doesn't work.
If you choose to keep throwing money at a bottomless pit, hey, it's your life.. do it. It will NOT help or heal your addict. YOU CANNOT LOVE AN ADDICT SOBER OR NONE OF THEM WOULD STILL BE ADDICTED.
I really hope your boyfriend will be sober in three years and have a nice life but it's not up to you. It's up to him.
If you let them use you, they will use you. You will not know he's using. He will lie, cheat, steal and leave you a hollow shell wondering how you let someone take so much from you.
Please understand... MANY people have lived this for years. You will learn your own lessons and come to realize YOU CANNOT LOVE AN ADDICT SOBER.
Good luck!

tripleaaa

Why? My father loved my mother for years and now that she is sober still loves her. He enabled her, took her to detox and stayed with her through thick and thin.

I guess a part of me wants to believe he will get and stay sober and that is why I am now attending Al-Anon with his grandmother. She believes in him and so do I. I am not ready to give up on him.

Thank you. I will remember what you said and I appreciate it.

Tinks65

I don't think anyone should ever give up on an addict. The question you need to ask yourself is "is my relationship with this addict a good thing for him?'" We can support and love an addict but recovery is hard work and the wisdom of experience reads that addicts shouldn't get into a relationship early into recovery. It almost always distracts them from the work they need to do on themselves leaving them vulnerable to relapse. Detaching with love does not equal abandonment or giving up. Sometimes it is a loving thing to do ... to push them to find themselves in recovery, maintain recovery until they are strong enough to give back without losing themselves.

something to think about

there are just no easy answers ... keep coming back and take care of you

KeepinItReal

Apples and oranges.

overit263

My favorite here is "let go or be dragged"

kat1973

My addict is 6 years younger than me, we've been together 9 years.

My family have turned away from me for loving an addict. Yet his family have stuck by him - without enabling and he's the damn addict.

I'm a fool!

AnvilheadII

Yes he is younger but his grandmother and I have been the only 2 people in his life that support him 100%

that can be a very dangerous mindset for US...I am all he has, I am his salvation, he NEEDS me, without me he will fail.

actually when you met he WAS sober, he had a sober power base. there were people in his life. in fact, he could trot into any AA or NA meeting TODAY and develop a whole host of new friends and support system.

you could also look at the fact that once he got involved with someone, he relapsed. BIG time. with not even a year of sobriety under his belt, it could be that adding in a relationship was too much, too much of a distraction from his primary purpose, staying clean.