What's Still Healing
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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What's Still Healing
I haven't done an original post in a long, long time. It's closing in on the two year anniversary of my AXGF taking her act on the road. In some ways, it feels like yesterday. In others, it feels like forever. And I'm very glad and grateful that she's gone.
I suppose in terms of getting on with my life, I've done extremely well. Coming here and reading all the posts in the wake of my breakup was a fortuitous event. Juggling a career and finishing a Masters in electrical and computer engineering is difficult, and I pulled that off this past May. My career has rebounded fully, and then some, after taking a hit that corresponded with my AXGF being in my life. In most ways, I'm better than ever.
But what's yet to heal fully is my heart.
Don't get me wrong. I do not long for her, or for anyone. But nearly two years after her leaving, my heart is closed shut. Tightly. I cannot imagine opening it. To love, or to be loved, in a romantic but mature and healthy way frankly scares the hell out of me because at this moment in time, I'm not capable of that kind of trust.
I have learned to seek my happiness from within. Most of the time, I find it. But as I get older, I sometimes question whether or not I really want to be alone. I wonder if I will ever fully heal.
ZoSo
I suppose in terms of getting on with my life, I've done extremely well. Coming here and reading all the posts in the wake of my breakup was a fortuitous event. Juggling a career and finishing a Masters in electrical and computer engineering is difficult, and I pulled that off this past May. My career has rebounded fully, and then some, after taking a hit that corresponded with my AXGF being in my life. In most ways, I'm better than ever.
But what's yet to heal fully is my heart.
Don't get me wrong. I do not long for her, or for anyone. But nearly two years after her leaving, my heart is closed shut. Tightly. I cannot imagine opening it. To love, or to be loved, in a romantic but mature and healthy way frankly scares the hell out of me because at this moment in time, I'm not capable of that kind of trust.
I have learned to seek my happiness from within. Most of the time, I find it. But as I get older, I sometimes question whether or not I really want to be alone. I wonder if I will ever fully heal.
ZoSo
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
You will. When your heart is ready you will move forward with trust and eyes wide open and without any warning your heart will open and point out to you the person you're meant to be with. I had absolutely given up on love, had my heart ripped out like no other...never wanted to give another person the power to do that to me again. But...when I least expected it I met my husband. We started as friends and nearly 25 years later I can honestly say he has never let me down. Not once. When we stop looking you never know who may come along. Stay true to your path. Don't compromise. You are worth it. And the best thing about that....You know it's true.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The heart takes a long time to heal. Forgive the analogy, but it's the best way I can explain how it is for me.
3 years ago I had to put down my beloved cat Toby, it was his time and the kind and loving thing to do. But it ripped my heart apart and even today I cannot think of that day without tears. But I CAN smile at the fond memories of when Toby was alive and what a very special cat he was. He was unlike any cat I have ever known.
I don't have a cat today because as much as I know the joy a cat can bring, I cannot bear the thought of my heart ever hurting that much again. That's how bad my pain was and the scars it left.
One day I will get a cat anyway and stop letting fear of pain direct my choices. One day I will be ready. But that day is not today.
I think time will take care of your heart too, Zoso. You will find love, it will be different from the love you knew before, each love is different. But this time you are healthy and know what to look for. And you know how to survive any pain it may or may not bring.
Life does that, it gives us time to rest and heal, then gives us opportunity to make better decisions in the future based on the lessons of the past.
Some very lucky lady will find her way into your life, and when she does we will all be here cheering you both on.
Hugs
3 years ago I had to put down my beloved cat Toby, it was his time and the kind and loving thing to do. But it ripped my heart apart and even today I cannot think of that day without tears. But I CAN smile at the fond memories of when Toby was alive and what a very special cat he was. He was unlike any cat I have ever known.
I don't have a cat today because as much as I know the joy a cat can bring, I cannot bear the thought of my heart ever hurting that much again. That's how bad my pain was and the scars it left.
One day I will get a cat anyway and stop letting fear of pain direct my choices. One day I will be ready. But that day is not today.
I think time will take care of your heart too, Zoso. You will find love, it will be different from the love you knew before, each love is different. But this time you are healthy and know what to look for. And you know how to survive any pain it may or may not bring.
Life does that, it gives us time to rest and heal, then gives us opportunity to make better decisions in the future based on the lessons of the past.
Some very lucky lady will find her way into your life, and when she does we will all be here cheering you both on.
Hugs
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
After the betrayal you experienced, I think what you are experiencing is pretty normal. It will take someone really special for you to want to love and trust again. The great part about all of that is.......she will be truly special. Be patient, someone awesome will enter your life on Gods time. He will know when your ready.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I wonder if I will ever fully heal.
i'm not sure we ever DO fully heal. when we break a bone, and have it reset, in a cast, sure it does heal, but it will always once been broken. I believe we do repair, we do mend, we often have to learn to do some things different. and all of that takes time, my friend.
i'm not sure we ever DO fully heal. when we break a bone, and have it reset, in a cast, sure it does heal, but it will always once been broken. I believe we do repair, we do mend, we often have to learn to do some things different. and all of that takes time, my friend.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
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I so much appreciate your honesty, Zoso, and also Ann's. You both echo my own feelings.
I once rode in a cab with a driver who had been in the big Northridge earthquake in California in the 90's. He told me that after the quake, he left California (we were in Denver, in the cab). He said he knew he just could not risk having that kind of traumatic experience again. It wiped him out.
A man recently installed some screens in my windows. He had days before euthanized his beloved cat. He said he didn't think he'd have another cat. Losing this one had just about killed him. I said I understood....having euthanized 3 pets in the past 3 years. I told him I had been thinking I might have only parakeets from now on. But a stray cat came to the house and here I am again.
Some people are extremely sensitive....Even though your mind is very rational and scientific, Zoso, you are the exception among your technical colleagues, and you are deeply emotional as well. Gut level feeling. People like you, once burned the way the exagf burned you, they want to go underground and some want to stay there. It is because they think everyone lies. And because their feelings take them so far down.
What I know of people like this is that when finally they do trust again (totally out of their control as to who and when) they form a deep and lifelong bond, unbreakable.
I once rode in a cab with a driver who had been in the big Northridge earthquake in California in the 90's. He told me that after the quake, he left California (we were in Denver, in the cab). He said he knew he just could not risk having that kind of traumatic experience again. It wiped him out.
A man recently installed some screens in my windows. He had days before euthanized his beloved cat. He said he didn't think he'd have another cat. Losing this one had just about killed him. I said I understood....having euthanized 3 pets in the past 3 years. I told him I had been thinking I might have only parakeets from now on. But a stray cat came to the house and here I am again.
Some people are extremely sensitive....Even though your mind is very rational and scientific, Zoso, you are the exception among your technical colleagues, and you are deeply emotional as well. Gut level feeling. People like you, once burned the way the exagf burned you, they want to go underground and some want to stay there. It is because they think everyone lies. And because their feelings take them so far down.
What I know of people like this is that when finally they do trust again (totally out of their control as to who and when) they form a deep and lifelong bond, unbreakable.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
EG,
Damn. You sound like my clinician.
I'm cursed with being right brained AND left brained. So I can do the crazy math and engineering stuff, but I can also play guitar really, really. And you're right, I'm very sensitive. That can work against me, and has. And when you bring this up, all I think I'm really doing is going into full-on protect mode so that I don't get hurt that badly again.
Maybe someday that will change. Right now, though...uh, uh...
Thanks for the responses everyone.
Love,
ZoSo
Some people are extremely sensitive....Even though your mind is very rational and scientific, Zoso, you are the exception among your technical colleagues, and you are deeply emotional as well. Gut level feeling. People like you, once burned the way the exagf burned you, they want to go underground and some want to stay there.
I'm cursed with being right brained AND left brained. So I can do the crazy math and engineering stuff, but I can also play guitar really, really. And you're right, I'm very sensitive. That can work against me, and has. And when you bring this up, all I think I'm really doing is going into full-on protect mode so that I don't get hurt that badly again.
Maybe someday that will change. Right now, though...uh, uh...
Thanks for the responses everyone.
Love,
ZoSo
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
at least your brain does things!!! i'm neither crazy smart OR crazy creative..i'm a muddler. smart enough to get by, creative enough to not be brain dead. it's ok to be sensitive. but it does open us up to hurt. no risk, no reward. stocks or bonds. thing is, you know now, you can survive ANYTHING, you have brains, knowledge AND experience. you graduated boot camp.
so, shut up and play your guitar!
so, shut up and play your guitar!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
at least your brain does things!!! i'm neither crazy smart OR crazy creative..i'm a muddler. smart enough to get by, creative enough to not be brain dead. it's ok to be sensitive. but it does open us up to hurt. no risk, no reward. stocks or bonds. thing is, you know now, you can survive ANYTHING, you have brains, knowledge AND experience. you graduated boot camp.
so, shut up and play your guitar!
so, shut up and play your guitar!
I just put a deposit down on a new guitar. The Fender Custom Shop is building me one of these:
Telecaster Guitars | Fretted Americana Inc.
The original guitars were built only during '68 and '69. So one of Fender's Masterbuilders is building me one of these to '69 specs with a few tweaks that the originals don't have. And the guy that's building it for me has built guitars for U2 and the Rolling Stones.
This brings the number of guitars up to 12.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
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I have always loved the beauty of guitars. Such a story to them. Bet they'd all look awesome displayed as a massive wall collection. Creativity is such an awesome outlet. I'm so fortunate that I enjoy making things with my hands...
How exciting for you! Wail on that thang!!
How exciting for you! Wail on that thang!!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
so, without googling it, did the Telecaster come before the Stratocaster? i love guitar, but i know zippo about guitars. sorry if i sound dense.
It's my first Fender. I'm a Les Paul guy at heart (see my avatar and you'll see why), but I've always wanted a Tele...
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