MLJ88

Hi Im new here and I want to introduce myself and tell my story in hopes that someone can offer me support and advice and knowledge. SO heres my story:

I met my husband when I was a young teenager, we grew up in a small country town together and were great friends. We started dating when I was just 17 years old, he was 20. We were crazy about eachother. Shortly after we had been dating I noticed things about him that were off. He was growing more and more irritable, angry, and just didn't seem right. I would ask him if everything was ok, he would tell me it was stress (he owns his own business doing landscaping and snow removal for large commercial properties), his business was growing and so I figured he was telling the truth. About 3 years into dating he finally came to me and told me he was addicted to vicodin and needed help. He was taking up to 20 pills a day. He was prescribed vicodin a couple years earlier due to a motorcycle accident- well he became addicted. I was so glad he came to me and asked for help, I felt honored that he could confide in me. I told him I would help him through this, that he would be ok.

He started seeing a specialist/doc for addiction and the doctor put him on Suboxone. This was supposed to be an exit drug to help get rid of his dependence. Well 5 years and 4 doctors later he is still on the suboxone. It was very hard for me to watch him take these little orange pills every day knowing that all this pill did was replace vicodin- he was now addicted to suboxone. He didn't see it that way- it was prescribed so he didn't think he had an addiction. Just when I thought I had enough, couldn't watch him anymore, and was getting closer to walking away from it all together- I find out Im pregnant ( our son is now almost 2 years old).well We got Married and he promised me the world. I loved him, trusted him, and believed him.

The nightmare didn't stop at Suboxone though, the nightmare was just starting. About 2 years ago his doctor at the time prescribed him Adderall ( which makes no sense because my husband does not have ADD). I noticed a huge change in him after he started to take the Adderall. He became extremely irritable, depressed, pale, loss of weight, paranoid, strange obsessions- he just was not himself- as if his personality changed all together. He told me he needed the Adderall to get through the work day, he needs it to focus, He needs it to stay up all night to plow in the snow etc. Well the nightmare doesn't end there either. About a year ago, he was prescribed Xanax for panic attacks he claimed he was having. So now my husband is on all three drugs- a dangerous cocktail, and the worst part is that his own doctor prescribed it. I also believe he is snorting suboxone. His doctor lowered his dose recently and I think he is snorting to get the effects that he wants. In the last 9 months he has just gotten worse and worse. He is still pale, still losing weight, irritable, becoming aggressive, and worst of all- I truly believe he is either hallucinating or hearing things that are not there. I have noticed some very strange behavior by him in the last 9 months that are just not normal to him. It scares the hell out of me. I should add that He has lots of contacts that I know for a fact he gets these pills from when he runs out of his prescription before his month is up.

Im so afraid for his health, Im so afraid for what these drugs are actually doing to him. Ive tried to look up information on the 3 drugs being used together but im just not finding helpful info. I cant sit here and watch the man I love slip further and further away from me. I love him with all my heart but I also deserve better. I at least deserve honesty form him. Everytime I try to talk to him about it, he just gets defensive and says his doc prescribed it. He calls me crazy like as if what im seeing in him is incorrect. Hes even made me believe I was crazy at times. Im so tired of making excuses for his behavior or his absence to our friends and families- people are starting to catch on, its getting exhausting for me to pretend everything is fine when its not.

I truly believed that when he saw our beautiful baby boy born that he would change, but he just got worse. I don't know how to help him, I don't think I can help him if he doesn't want the help. He has changed into a man that I don't know anymore, this is not the person that I fell in love with so many years ago. Our marriage is falling apart, and the worse part is he doesn't even see it. Hes so blinded by his pills that he cant see what is happening to me, to us. I miss my husband, and I want him back. I want our son to know the man that his father really is.

Im sorry this post was so long, I just really needed to tell my story. Im desperate for any advice on how to help my husband. I have no one to talk to because im too ashamed to tell anyone.

Twofish

Hello MLJ, Welcome to SR, you will find an enormous amount of sincere support and stories of encouragement here. Does he think he has a problem with these meds? It amazes me at times why Dr. prescribe the cocktail of meds sometimes, is he Dr. shopping? Maybe one doesn't know what the other is ordering? Addicts are very good at manipulation and lies. The addict is not gonna give up the drugs, whether a Dr. orders them or he buys them from friends, unless he desires sobriety. What to do...? I have no clue, this is a hard one, others will be along with much more experience than me. I just wanted to welcome you to the SR family, take care of yourself and I will be sending you gentle hugs! TF

MLJ88

Im sure hes been doctor shopping, but currently one doc has prescribed all these. Really his newest doc is just prescribing what the old is. But she did lower the dose of his suboxone ( so I guess I gotta give her props for that). Thanks for welcoming me to SR. Im hoping to get great advice on this matter.

lettingonow

Very sorry for what you are going through I can her your pain and anxiety and can relate to how you feel. This is one of those One Day at a Time situations, but also you may need to start preparing yourself for some tough decisions. Hang in there and remember that you are important too. Do what you have to to protect yourself and your child, you have the strength!

rcutch

Welcome MLJ - My AH began his addiction at the age of 11 and is now 48. He has ridden the roller coaster MANY times. When I met him I was 19 and he was 28 - he was very open about his addiction, but swore he was never going to go back because he knew what it felt like to be that low. That was 21 years ago - we've had good years of sobriety - but more years of active addiction. During our marriage my AH had multiple back surgeries, and doctors would willing put him on any type of pain pill he asked for. He was a patient at a pain clinic and they would give him 90+ oxy for 1 month and couldn't understand why I was calling there office telling them he was addicted. He would go in 15 days in and tell the office I got mad and dumped his pills (which I hadn't) but they would simply refill the prescription. When his addiction became so bad, he stole a script pad from that doctor and wrote his own scripts - he ended up being arrested. The doctor had the nerve to call me and ask me why I didn't do something about it - when I reminded him of all my phone calls he responded with, "you should have come in and demanded to talk to us." Really?

Because of pending court consequences my AH got sober - for 5+years. Then he went to another pain clinic and they started giving him Demerol - they also gave him methadone and told him that would kill any high he would get from the amount of demerol he was taking....he simply disregarded the methadone. I again called their offices when the prescriptions got so bad - finally they decided to test him and instantly dropped him as a patient. My family doctor was aware of his addiction and was giving him adderall, as he had been tested for ADD, she recommended him to another pain clinic for nothing more than cortisone shots and made the doctor aware of his addiction. We go to meet the doctor and the only thing he wants to talk about is putting my AH on suboxone. Thanks to this site I was very familiar and told the DR and AH he was welcome to make that choice, but it would not be while living under my roof - Doctor's response, "Well, do you want him out on the street buying heroin?" My response, "He already is". That doctor tried to convince me that suboxone was the cure all for his issues. I simply suggested that he do further research on addiction - maybe try living it. That was almost 1 year ago.

My AH is still hooked on heroin. Just this week he willingly chose to move out. He says he doesn't need rehab. We have 3 beautiful daughters - they were not able to stop him from using, I was not able to stop him from using. I still believe there is not magic drug that keeps them from using. It's a decision, one they must make all on there own. The question is not what is he going to do - it is what are you going to do - for you and your son? My oldest daughter is 18 and my youngest is 13, it took me 21 years to finally see the damage I was allowing him to cause to me and my daughters. I can't take that back, I have to live with the choices that I made for them. I allowed my love for my AH to be more powerful then the love for my 3 daughters.

I hope that your husband realizes what he is throwing away, and I, like everyone else on this site, understand how hard it is to walk away. I even understand when we stick around believing that it will be different. That's the great part about this site - you are accepted for who you are. Support and love is what you find here. Keep reading, and posting, and find a meeting to take care of yourself. Addiction does not just destroy the addict, it destroys everyone in its path. Praying for you

Twofish

Dear Rcutch and MLJ, I'm so sorry for both of you ladies. Addiction is a obviously stronger than love can offer in some people. Dr.s can go to such extremes, give Motrin for a bone sticking out from the skin and Percocet for a bruise. (These are just extreme examples) I think this all stems down to education and continuity of care. My prayers go out to both you ladies! TF

incitingsilence

First you can’t help him, he is the only one who can do that. And he is very capable of helping himself.

But you can stop enabling him. No more excuse making for him. Let him address his behavior and if he doesn’t well that is his choice as well.

You won’t be able to get him to see either, but you can surely see the truth yourself. The crazy making is just another way to protect his addiction. You don’t have to engage in those conversations.

Hallucinations, a bit of a warning, the last place anyone should be is around someone who is hallucinating.
It really isn’t safe and you and your child’s safety should be a priority. You ARE NOT equipped to handle that, and most aren’t.

Understand that no one is the problem but him. He is the one that is using and abusing his medications. And it makes sense because he is an addict after all. And this is what addicts do …

Suggestions, get some help and support for you. Educate yourself on addiction, on enabling … you will be the only one you can save and you are worth it.

Please note that addiction is a progressive disease. If you think it is bad now, sadly it will just keep getting worse because again this is addiction.

Take good care of you.

MLJ88

Rcutch, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. And thanks to everyone for their advice and support. I stumbled across this site because I was frantically searching for answers online on how to handle/help my husband. The problem I am having is that he wont admit that he has a problem. The only time he admitted to me he had a problem was way back when he was addicted to vicodin. He thinks what he is doing is ok bc its the regimen the doc prescribed. But he knows that he is even abusing that because he gets more pills from his friends. Are prescription pain killers a gateway to Heroin? it never even crossed my mind that he could one day use Heroin. Hes an amazing manipulator and master liar, I constantly go back and forth in my head thinking maybe its not as bad as I think- I tell myself to let the docs do their job. But they are just running a business and he is their client.

Ive heard a couple times now to be prepared for making a tough decision. I know that most of you ladies must have made that decision. Ill be honest by saying that Im just not ready to walk away. I don't feel that I have given this my all, and I know that I cant fix him, I know I cant convince him. But I can be there when he falls right? I can be there when he hits rock bottom right? Is it stupid for me to believe that he will make the right decision and do whats right for himself and his family? I still believe he is a good person- he just has lost his way. The disease is taking over him

I have never told him that I am here for him through his addiction, never told him that I will help him, I have not begged and pleaded yet. I have not given him an ultimatum yet. All I have done is continuously make comments and ask him questions, which turns into fights. Im sure I sound silly thinking if I beg and plead he will change. But I gotta at least try right? How do I tell my son one day that I walked away from his father because he had a disease? Because he made one too many mistakes? My biggest fear is that If I walk away now that his addiction will only get worse, that he will OD because he had no one breathing down his neck. Please don't think that I am judging any of you for walking away, that's not what Im doing at all. I know that if he doesn't get better, that I will be faced with a very hard decision. Im just not at a place in my heart yet to give up.

I cant tell you enough how happy I am that I have come across this site. I look forward to continuous support and advice from so many in my shoes. Please bare with me, that I am not yet at the level that many of you are at.

thank you so much.

EnglishGarden

Welcome to the forum, MLJ, and I'm sorry for the crisis in your life.

When a spouse first seeks help because of an addicted partner, her focus is always on him. What can she do to save him, how can she help him, what is going to become of him, what is the doctor/friends/job doing to him.

When those who understand the nature of addiction say to her, "You are powerless to change him, so you are going to have to focus on changing yourself," the spouse initially has no idea what they are talking about.

This is the way it is, at first. The spouse is always extremely codependent, having lost herself and her goals and her boundaries as she completely places all her focus on her addicted spouse. She makes poor decisions, she rationalizes his behavior and denies its impact on her and her children, she thinks she will be the one to save him from his destructive choices. Her children grow up in an unstable household, thick with dread and confusion. Her mental and physical health deteriorate. There are money problems. There are legal problems. There is an ocean of tears. And all because of an addict who refuses to enter treatment and work it with his whole being, every day, making sobriety and the repair of the damage he has done to himself and to others the absolute focus of his life.

This is a forum for friends and family members which focuses on our responsibility for our own recovery from what someone's addiction is doing or has done to us. We try to turn the spotlight away from the addict and onto ourselves and ask ourselves the tough questions: Do I really believe I am so powerful as to be able to control addiction, which is an uncontrollable compulsion to use drugs and alcohol? Have I made the addict's welfare more important than my children's? Am I minimizing the damage my spouse is doing to my mental health? Am I blaming the addict for my problems while refusing to take concrete action to seek help for myself and make changes myself?

It is so much easier for the spouse to continue to try to control the addict and blame the doctors/dealers/using friends and to avoid going to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon (free meetings for family and friends of addicts with concrete suggestions for dealing with this crisis) or seeking therapy with a counselor who works with families of addiction. Many spouses spend years chasing after their addict husband or wives in a useless attempt to intervene in a compulsion which will defy them and win, every time. Step One of the Twelve Steps of all AA, NA, CA, GA, SA, Al-Anon and Nar-Anon programs: "We admitted we were powerless over addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable."

You are powerless to change the course of his minutes, days, hours, his relationship with drugs, his brain, and his destiny.

You have the responsibility to seek help for yourself in a consistent way, daily and weekly, in order to deal realistically with the hard facts and to make hard choices which will be painful. Pain will happen either way, whether you seek recovery or not. But the pain of recovery holds the promise of an improvement in your life and hope for your children. To not seek recovery for yourself will keep you in a never-ending merry-go-round of crisis, crisis, and more crisis.

We have good information in the "Sticky" links. The blog of Cynical One has good articles. If you start reading, and seek some form of treatment for yourself through meetings and or therapy, you will be one of those persons who stopped trying to control an addict and who found some peace and sanity through changing herself.

MLJ88

Thank you EnglishGardens for the feed back. I am looking into Nar-Anon programs in my area to try to figure this out for me. I intend to educate myself on addiction and how to cope with that for me. But I also intend to be there for my husband when he fails. I know he is good at heart and he doesn't deserve the disease that is taking over him anymore than any one else. I want to help him, and I think he deserves help from those that love him. I understand fully that I cant make his mind up for him about quitting, but I can be there when/if he decides to quit. I will only take so much, so if he doesn't decide soon, then I will do what I need to do for the well being for me and my child.

Thank you so much for the advice.

atalose

Not knowing what his rock bottom may be or when it may be, are you willing to put yourself and your child in the hole with him? If you are down there with him then who’s going to help you out?

No one is saying you must leave him but it will be strongly suggested you focus on YOU and YOU getting a better footing on addiction and a good way to learn who you can fix, repair and change (you) is with al-anon.

Like all of us here, we came here looking for the magic bullet, the fix, the repair solution so we can get our addict/alcoholics clean/sober so OUR lives will be more manageable and happier and healthier if only they would stop drinking/drugging.

If you stick around long enough and wade through allot of denial, become more aware of addiction, learn how addicts behave, you will be in a better place to make better decision for yourself and your child.

You are not alone, many of us have been exactly right where you are today.

((hugs))

MLJ88

atalose- Thank you for that. I am going to try to focus more on me and stop worrying about him 24/7- its exhausting. He knows Im here if he needs someone to talk to. I love how nice and supportive everyone is here. I also love how you said that almost all of you have been exactly where I am at. I feel less lonely hearing all of your feedback.

Stucco

Hallucinations could be due to the combination of drugs (especially the Xanax) or it could be schizophrenia. Schizophrenia usually shows up in late adolescence or young adulthood.

How is he sleeping? Lack of sleep could be contributing to his problems.

You might consider having him involuntarily committed for a psychological evaluation if he won't go of his own volition.

Twofish

Dear MJL, Yes, Support is our name! We are here for you to offer support and give you our stories and learn, yes learn from, you too! Worry and obsessing over the addicted one will just make you sick and tired of being sick and tired. You have to take care of yourself, eat, fluids, rest and some peace. He's not going to get better until he desires sobriety. No begging, pleading or loving on your part will make this happen. You are up against a strong beast, who doesn't go quietly, if it goes at all. The beast will lurk around and wait for a trigger then...it's back. Education on the disease of addiction is a good tool to have. Face to face support, like meetings Naranon or friends and family of addicts are wonderful. You won't feel alone and might learn things from the others experiences and stories. My AD has 10 weeks sober and is so proud, she doesn't understand things like PAWS yet, she's so young, but they have educated me, I know some of her triggers. She went c/ t from Heroin, she suffers terrible nightmares, but her Dr. gave her some medicine for them and they are lessening. Don't do this alone, find support and accept it. He has to want it too and only he can achieve that. Be kind to yourself obsessing and worry will make you sick. You want to stay strong and safe. Keep posting and reading, we are always here for you, we are open 24/7! Take care, get some rest, fluid and food, we do care and always we, TF

atalose

MLJ – Your thinking that you can prevent an overdose by breathing down his neck is a form of thinking you can control him and his addiction. It doesn’t work that way and as a matter of fact will only back fire on you. Anyone/anything that tries to get between him and his drug of choice will be removed from the equation so that he can continue to use.

And I am guessing that he is getting more drugs from more Dr’s then you are aware of. Usually by the time addict behavior is noticeable it’s a good indication that his addiction has progressed beyond where he was able to manage it prior. If he’s going through his scripts early then this one Dr most likely will not re-fill so they find other Dr’s. Put the new pills in the old pill bottles and continue. If you just sit back and watch you’ll be able to read his addiction, up and high from the opiates then nodding off. Calm from the xanax which helps him when he is coming down from the opiates but again a sign of abuse is nodding off. When he is running low or out of pills YOU’LL know that too. He’ll be angry, agitate, unable to focus, nasty towards you - because all he is thinking about, breathing for is getting more pills. And there you are the “pill police” questioning him, nagging him, begging him to stop when in fact that’s all he can consume himself with. Getting pills, counting pills, taking pills, getting more pills, counting pills, taking pills….and it goes on and on like the little mouse on the wheel until he decides to get off of it.

This is why it is so important for you to take care of you, find your lifeboat get in it and start paddling. And that lifeboat can be therapy, counseling, al-anon, posting here, talking to friends and family it doesn’t always mean leaving them because that can only come if and when YOU are ready to.

I was with my ex for 13 years, 3 major relapses (1st one he lost his business) and no sign of things ever going to change so I changed and left that situation in May. I got out right after he had lost his job and benefits due to pills. I told him he had a choice, go to detox, rehab and give himself and us that opportunity or I am leaving for good. He looked me right in the eye, told me how much he loved me, told me I was his whole world and that he would do anything in the world for me but that he was choosing the pills. So I left but not without a major drama scene from him (wanted me to stay on his terms which of course would include him still using) which ended with me obtaining a restraining order.

So losing his jbusiness prior, current job and his relationship was not his bottom. He then received not 1 but 2 DUI’S with in a month, lost a rental car – so messed up he couldn’t remember where he left it. And that still wasn’t his bottom, so there is no telling what his bottom or anyone's bottom is going to be. And putting yourself down in that rabbit hole with him is not wise or a healthy decision. You want to be up top of the rabbit hole, strong and secure in the event he chooses to reach up and ask for your help.

The hardest part is that feeling of helplessness, unable to do or say a thing that will make any difference with there addiction, it’s heartbreaking!!!

Alanon Step 1:

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol/addiction -- that our lives have become unmanageable.

MLJ88

Atalose thank you so much for that insight. Oh and i found out last night by going through his phone that his doctor is a real doc that is illegally prescribing pills for cash ( I was disgusted) and I guess I haven't even completed step 1- admitting I'm powerless. I have a long way to go, but I'm going to try- I have to try becuase I don't want to feel this way anymore- I'm so exhausted trying to fight a losing battle, im tired of keeping his secret for him. I hate the anxiety it has created inside of me, I hate how resentful I have become, I hate how lonely it is.

atalose

That’s why it’s so important for you to focus on you. I know for me the reason I kept the “secret” which was eating me alive was because I knew exactly what my friends and family would advise me to do and I was not ready to do that. Our logic and instincts tell us to flee but our codyness and our own determination keep us in the situation. Years ago when he first relapsed my thoughts were: I am strong enough for the both of us. I will be by his side supporting him in his recovery because I love him…bla…bla…bla.…..then when the second relapse came along I felt like a deer caught in the headlights – wanting to run yet paralyzed stuck and stayed- filled with anxiety, mistrust and the inability to live MY life or focus on MY life….it was constantly about him with all my thoughts on the what if’s and the if only’s.

MLJ88

That's exactly why I keep his secret and also because of the shame. I'm not ready for people to have bad thoughts about my husband- I'm to ready for people to know that he's not what I try to pretend he is.

atalose

I’m going to tell you another little “secret”….most of “those people” already know his truth. They usually know long before we do, so when or if it does come out they are not surprised. Addiction has become so prevalent that most of the people we know have been affected by it in one way or another. Grand parents, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, children, co-workers, neighbors….you name it it’s probably touched everyone in some form or another.

When we feel shame its’ because we are feeling poorly about ourselves, when we think or believe we have control over someone else and what they do and they fail or won’t stop we feel we failed………………so when you accept step 1 most of that shame falls away.

help4hubby

I can totally relate to your story! It sounds so much like my husband's story in many ways. We both grew up together in a small town in WV. My husband also has some legitimate pain issues from an accident. I noticed the same things as you too, the irritability and weight loss. He always shrugged it off when I asked him about it. My husband also turned to Suboxone and Xanax (without a prescription though). The funny thing is my husband does struggle with ADD but refuses to take anything for it. He experimented with Adderall several years ago and has made up his mind that it won't work for him. He is currently withdrawing from Suboxone and let me tell you, the withdrawal sucks! I think the idea behind Suboxone is great but it is often abused. My husband was also snorting it. My husband had a horrible reaction when he mixed Xanax with alcohol that resulted in me calling 911, he was arrested and charged with domestic battery.

My best advice to you if you're concerned about the combination of drugs he's prescribed would be to talk to a pharmacist. They are an excellent resource and are more readily available than a doctor. I really think that many doctors have become complacent with their prescribing habits.

I can also sympathize with your desire to stick it out right now. I know exactly how you feel. I'm not ready to give up either. I feel like there is more to be done before I say ok this isn't going to work. This site has been so extremely helpful to me! There is so much shame that comes with addiction especially when you're dealing with drugs and there could potentially be legal repercussions. It makes it so hard for the people closest to the addict. One of the best pieces of advice that I could give you would be to reach out to someone that you trust even if it's just one person initially. It is so hard to carry this secret on your own. You will be surprised how relieved you will feel when you open up to someone be it a family member, friend or counselor. I have found soo much comfort and support in this site. People here truly care and understand what you are going through. I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through this but please know that we are all here for you :-)