Family Weekend Disaster...or maybe not
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: PA
Posts: 76
Family Weekend Disaster...or maybe not
We just returned from a "family camping trip" that was supposed to be the beginning of the healing of our family. My AH, myself and 3 daughters (13, 15,18) set off for a great weekend. According to my AH he had 21 days clean and wanted to make this work. As we all headed to bed, AH sat by the fire with the line - "I'll be in in a few minutes" At 3am I awoke, looked at the window, and there he was on his ever precious phone. I did not engage, simply went back to sleep.
Saturday was to be a trip to an orchard and pumpkin patch, carving pumpkins, and then off to the amusement park located beside our campground. AH was unable to go as he had the "flu" and wanted to rest, but he would join us at the park. Again, I did not push - the girls and I set off for pumpkins. We returned and had a nice afternoon carving pumpkins - AH continued to sleep. He managed to get up and take the car to make a trip to the liquor store - as that just helps with the edge. Did a few shots and went back to sleep. My oldest daughter took the car and returned to college, leaving us with just the RV. It rained all Sat eve crushing my daughters hopes of visiting the park in the dark. Middle daughter hated being there and thought I should have let her go home with her older sister...trying to cook steaks over the fire in the pouring down rain...AH still sleeping. It finally stopped at 9pm and we headed over for an hour of rides. AH still sleeping. At this point, my recovery went out the window, and while the kids were on a ride I looked at my cell phone bill and found that he was up to 3am talking and texting with 2 women that I had made it clear were not to be a part of our lives. I am pretty confident that 1 is his connection. I sent a nasty text and returned to the camper to find AH still in bed sick - but now angry with me because he was not doing anything wrong talking with those 2 women. It was a long miserable night.
This morning AH awoke enough for us to tell our children that we are not going to live together anymore, he is moving out (heard this one many times too). Then he went back to sleep. He left me to pack the RV up and told me I would need to drive, as he was too sick (I wouldn't have let him drive anyway - bottle of Captain empty) This is our first time with this RV and I had no clue what I was doing, but the girls and I figured it out. I had to stop and "dump" the tank before we left -AH managed to make his way to the front seat and watch me laughing at the difficulties I had - but I asked the guy beside me to help out, which he did. I figured AH is the one who looked like an A$$, not me. AH went back to the bed and slept the whole way home.
I pulled in to the house, AH gets out and says..."Where's my car?" Someone had taken his car while we were gone (he left the keys in it) I've been around enough to know he either lent it out in exchange for drugs, or someone took it for what he owes. The girls and I carry in the first load, walk back out to the house and AH is gone. That was at 4pm today. I am writing this now, because he returned at 2:30 am to "collect his things" and trying to locate his mac card. He walked around the house for over an hour - trying to engage me in battle. I pulled the covers over my head and did not say 2 words....so proud of myself. He kept remarking that I took the last couple bucks he had - did not engage. He finally gave up and left - in his car.
While this was not the weekend I expected, God has revealed so many things to me. As I read on the site, I am ready to admit...the pain of staying is now greater than the pain of leaving. I came home feeling accomplished...I just took care of a 30' RV - drove it, camped in it, and realized I don't need him to do it! Competing with drugs has been exhausting for me, but now we've added another woman, and that hurts even more. I want better for my daughters. I know that the pain will come and go, and the next few weeks and months ahead will be horrible...but they already are horrible. I grieve for the man I fell in love with, and the clean and sober guy who tackled that demon and that I was blessed to have for 5+ years - but he is no longer here. There is a verse in the bible that reminds me of my AH "When an evil spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, "I will return to the house I left" When it arrives it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put it order. Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that man is worse than the first." I know that my AH can choose to be different - but today he doesn't make that choice. I do. I want something different.
I know the weeks ahead will be rough, but I will attend meetings, continue counseling, and do the hard work that it takes to get out of this situation. Sorry for the rant - but I needed to get that all out.
Saturday was to be a trip to an orchard and pumpkin patch, carving pumpkins, and then off to the amusement park located beside our campground. AH was unable to go as he had the "flu" and wanted to rest, but he would join us at the park. Again, I did not push - the girls and I set off for pumpkins. We returned and had a nice afternoon carving pumpkins - AH continued to sleep. He managed to get up and take the car to make a trip to the liquor store - as that just helps with the edge. Did a few shots and went back to sleep. My oldest daughter took the car and returned to college, leaving us with just the RV. It rained all Sat eve crushing my daughters hopes of visiting the park in the dark. Middle daughter hated being there and thought I should have let her go home with her older sister...trying to cook steaks over the fire in the pouring down rain...AH still sleeping. It finally stopped at 9pm and we headed over for an hour of rides. AH still sleeping. At this point, my recovery went out the window, and while the kids were on a ride I looked at my cell phone bill and found that he was up to 3am talking and texting with 2 women that I had made it clear were not to be a part of our lives. I am pretty confident that 1 is his connection. I sent a nasty text and returned to the camper to find AH still in bed sick - but now angry with me because he was not doing anything wrong talking with those 2 women. It was a long miserable night.
This morning AH awoke enough for us to tell our children that we are not going to live together anymore, he is moving out (heard this one many times too). Then he went back to sleep. He left me to pack the RV up and told me I would need to drive, as he was too sick (I wouldn't have let him drive anyway - bottle of Captain empty) This is our first time with this RV and I had no clue what I was doing, but the girls and I figured it out. I had to stop and "dump" the tank before we left -AH managed to make his way to the front seat and watch me laughing at the difficulties I had - but I asked the guy beside me to help out, which he did. I figured AH is the one who looked like an A$$, not me. AH went back to the bed and slept the whole way home.
I pulled in to the house, AH gets out and says..."Where's my car?" Someone had taken his car while we were gone (he left the keys in it) I've been around enough to know he either lent it out in exchange for drugs, or someone took it for what he owes. The girls and I carry in the first load, walk back out to the house and AH is gone. That was at 4pm today. I am writing this now, because he returned at 2:30 am to "collect his things" and trying to locate his mac card. He walked around the house for over an hour - trying to engage me in battle. I pulled the covers over my head and did not say 2 words....so proud of myself. He kept remarking that I took the last couple bucks he had - did not engage. He finally gave up and left - in his car.
While this was not the weekend I expected, God has revealed so many things to me. As I read on the site, I am ready to admit...the pain of staying is now greater than the pain of leaving. I came home feeling accomplished...I just took care of a 30' RV - drove it, camped in it, and realized I don't need him to do it! Competing with drugs has been exhausting for me, but now we've added another woman, and that hurts even more. I want better for my daughters. I know that the pain will come and go, and the next few weeks and months ahead will be horrible...but they already are horrible. I grieve for the man I fell in love with, and the clean and sober guy who tackled that demon and that I was blessed to have for 5+ years - but he is no longer here. There is a verse in the bible that reminds me of my AH "When an evil spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, "I will return to the house I left" When it arrives it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put it order. Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that man is worse than the first." I know that my AH can choose to be different - but today he doesn't make that choice. I do. I want something different.
I know the weeks ahead will be rough, but I will attend meetings, continue counseling, and do the hard work that it takes to get out of this situation. Sorry for the rant - but I needed to get that all out.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am ready to admit...the pain of staying is now greater than the pain of leaving.
Your daughters and you all deserve so much better than this.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: PA
Posts: 76
God has provided me with many gifts this weekend. I have a very strange peace that is allowing me to let my addict go. I am grieving him, and realizing that this is really it. I have accepted that this has nothing to do with me and that I can't make him want to get help. I do believe him when he tells me he wants more- he just doesn't know how and isn't willing to figure it out. I am in the process of writing him a cost letter- I am not sure that I will send it, but by writing it I am removing any of the reasons I would give myself to contact him. I have already decided that I will provide a ride to rehab should he make arrangements- but I will not visit. I have been down that road and I can't travel it again.
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