bigsombrero

Don't worry Twofish - you aren't being a gullible enabler...you're just being a MOM. It's only natural that you want to help and catch your daughter when she falls. Hearing people say "you need to stop babying her and let her land on her big fat face and become unemployed", well golly that is a bit harsh. Same goes for the "you should figure out why you want to help her" comment. Ummm....hello? Twofish is this person's MOTHER. Of course she's going to be worried! Good grief!

I think we all stand with you Twofish - you should stand your ground! And you are doing so, which is great! But that doesn't mean you should not CARE. There is nothing wrong with caring, or feeling hurt, or feeling sad about this. Your daughter is an addict. You are a good mom. It hurts. Your heart is in the right place!

Just keep your head up, you are doing the right things. Don't buy that car. Don't let her bully you into giving her more money. Continue getting support for yourself. Keep up the counseling and dr. visits, and therapy groups. Stay strong, stick with the program, and look after yourself. You're doing pretty great in my opinion!

Twofish

Dear Big, Thank you so much for the pep talk, I was starting to believe that I was causing her more damage than the heroin or methadone is. I'm just a mom who loves her daughter, addict or perfect little good girl. I have a plan in place, and I am proud that I can be that strong to say no. No mom wants their child to fall, get sick with addiction and be a loser for the rest of their lives. I'm confident by now that she is hurting under all that camouflage her AV is cramming into her head. She is embarrassed and lashing out like a child that is bullied on the playground of life, just that she is an young adult and doesn't quite know the tools yet on how to defend herself. Keep sending me support I need it as much as she does. Thanks again...TF

bigsombrero

Let me just add that I do think the other comments were RIGHT. I just don't think they were what you needed to hear as you are clearly in a tough spot. My apologies to the other posters, I was not trying to get personal. It's a mistake I've made before on this board, I'm only human and sometimes my writing tone comes off harsh. So, sorry to those other guys, I meant no harm - only to give TF my support.

Be cool Twofish, remember that you are a part of this world too and a valuable one. Read a book, chill out, watch a movie, and take the time to enjoy your own personal moments as well and remember that the behavior of others is not a reflection on you. Have a good night!

allforcnm

TwoFish,

My husband was an adult when he became addicted to prescription meds. He has now been in recovery for about 18 months. But what I wanted to share is when he first came home from rehab, he went back to work a couple of weeks later. He has a white collar job, responsible position. It took him a while to handle the stress of work, and even small things could put him on edge, like getting stuck in traffic, or our son not wanting to go to sleep. The stress level would just go up, and for the year plus he was using, he dealt with stress by popping a pill, so in recovery it does take time to adjust to all the pressures of life, internalize it, cope with it. And what Im thinking is... my husband was an adult, he had already developed pretty good skills BEFORE the addiction, had graduated college and things like this. Your daughter is young, and for anyone college can be trying, getting close to graduation and worrying about what happens next can be stressful. I don't want to have a pity party for her by any means, but it sounds like she is trying to clean up her act, she is on methadone, in college, about to graduate, and working a job/internship if I understand correctly. So I think she is doing pretty good. I also think you are doing very good. I know how hard it all was with my husband, and I cant even imagine with a child how difficult it is. My personal view is ... its ok to enable recovery efforts to a point, and I see what your doing as a positive for her recovery and her future. I think its about finding the balance between helping, and letting someone get their feet wet so they learn a little about themselves...

SnoozyQ

Hi twofish.

I empathise with what you are going through and your compulsion to help her.
By helping her ,you are just feeding her need and in some way the pain you receive by feeding it .

She may have another addiction called trichotrillomania....its a compulsion to pull hair out . It usually starts in adolescence but can start later .

This constant giving in is wearing you down, its time to pull back and I agree with the NOs
its time for her stop holding you to ransom.

Twofish

Hey SnoozyQ, You are 100% correct she does have Trich, had it since 4th grade, but it always was just her eyelashes and eye brows. As the addiction progressed to oxy and heroin she started pulling the hair on her head. This isn't a threat, she really does pull. She grew her hair out to about 1/4 inch, looked so good, then she decided to get sober and go to Methadone, so my thoughts are that it's her body/mind are adjusting to the new opiate. Trich no longer upsets me so. It happens. Like any comfort habit sort of, like biting you fingernails or smoking cigs, this pulling makes her feel good. And yes, we are in a support group for that too. Her therapist is a dual therapist, addiction and psychiatrist issues. So they are helping her learn tools for both diseases. Poor thing, she can be a spoiled brat at times, but also a victim to her disease. Only 22 and no hair. She is still beautiful in my eyes, will be forever! Thanks! Happy Thursday! TF

digdug

Just to be clear, trich is not an addiction. It is a mental disorder on the obsessive-compulsive scale. It is not easily treatable, but some cognitive-behavioral therapy and some SSRIs have been known to help.

I have trich and it sucks. Very embarrassing to have bald spots in weird spots on my head. I'm embarrassed to get haircuts sometimes. I hate when people touch my hair. But I do my best to keep it under control. You would never know unless I pointed it out to you because I keep things hidden. Yes, it is a manner of self-soothing. But it's totally different than my alcoholism and drug addiction. There is no addictive voice. My body is not lying to me to "pull one more hair out." I usually don't even realize I'm doing it until the hair is in my hand.

Twofish - really happy for you that you went to a meeting. Keep going. It will save your life and your sanity.

Twofish

Ok,I stand corrected on the Trich. Whatever it is she can't control it, she superglued her wig to her head, so sad. No AV with Trich, pulling just makes her feel good. It seemed to have gotten worse when opiates entered the picture. Can you see why I think I did something wrong as far as being a good mom? This daughter has so much, yet has so much going against her. That's maybe why I can't let go. She didn't deserve having Trich such a crappy thing to have. Great, now I'm crying again because of the guilt. I wish I could fix her, just one thing to make her life a little more happy. Addiction, OCD, mental illness...how much can this girl take. If only I can make her smile, be happy, like herself, just for one day, but sadly I cannot. I can't do anything, but give her support when she need it and will take it. I wish this day was over, Friday will be better. TF

Twofish

Hello, Does this on and off switch that my children have, ever stop, or slow down or go away? Every time I let my guard down, i feel the attack brewing. And this walking on eggshells every other day has got to stop. I know I am thinking clearly, they just think I read the Internet too much. They don't know about my threads on SR, it wouldn't be that difficult to figure out who they are, but I consider what I say or advice I offer to be private, like a closed meeting, or what stays in Vegas...ha! Ha!,this is MY support that has gotten me thru the very long summer. I'm ranting, sorry. Just another day living with an unpredictable addict, sober, but still an addict. Friday, be kind to me! TF

bigsombrero

You are pretty anonymous here TF, don't sweat it. Friday's almost here, you'll be fine. Remember to try and get some solid rest and eat right too. I know when I was going bonkers with stress, I forgot that I was actually supposed to EAT and SLEEP, haha! Sometimes those basic things can really make a difference. Hope all is well, there is nothing wrong with ranting a bit either! Stay strong and remember to keep those support systems handy for yourself.

Twofish

Hello, Yes, my SR friends this has been a long, emotionally draining weekend, almost over. Monday is gonna be busy, but a positive busy. The older AD came home Saturday, wasn't expecting that and it was draining. She is suffering...even cried that she was lonely and had no true friends that they all wanted to do was go out and party and she feels ugly and uncomfortable and doesn't want to drink or use. She just wants to come home after graduation and concentrate on her recovery. Ok, I will consider that, it's a lot of kids to watch over and monitor their sobriety. Hope will be on my team. As tonight drags on I am grateful to SR for listening, advising and not judging me. I have some serious decisions to make...I'd like my ADs back I just don't know if this is the right thing to do? Good night SR, Monday is coming. TF

Upsetnneedhelp

Twofish, my experience with my son has been that methadone helps. My son was put on methadone when he was released from prison and weaning off of it he relapsed and re-offended. I have known people on methadone for years who eventually weaned off and lived productive lives. Some say it's government dope but its controlled and monitored. The mainstream treatment industry will tell you it's not the right choice, however, I've seen the positive results.

Twofish

Many decisions are coming my way...what to do? The younger boy (14) is a concern to me. He had to stay home from school today because of exhaustion and stomach flu, had symptoms you can't fake if you know what I mean. Two recovering addicts under my roof, I'm disabled, wouldn't be able to break up any kind of physical fight. The older AD wants to switch to Subonoxone from Methadone, says it's so hard to get to the methadone clinic in the winter, she cried Sunday night, she is so lonely, with her trich(hair pulling) her boyfriend is verbally abusive to her, she doesn't go out partying with the roommates for fear of drinking plus her looks...I rarely ever saw her cry, maybe once, so the tears really tugged at my heart. She let me touch her, I put my hand on her cheek and wiped away the tears and told her I loved her, only have until December, then I fear she is going into inpt therapy, something more intense then this Methadone clinic, she is sick, more sick than I had realized. My baby, my first born is hurting bad and I can't fix this, not this time, I can comfort her like a mom does, but this owie is a huge gaping hole that needs serious professional support and treatment. God help my child. TF