Twofish

Dear SR friends, Disaster seems to follow me and my family. My older AD just threatened to drop out of school (she goes to UW Madison and will graduate in December) if we don't buy her a car. She said its too hard to moped over to the Methadone Clinic to get her daily dose, she needs a car. She has pulled all the hair out of her head, is crying, can't take the pressure of her internship at the DA (she drug tests their deferred prosecution clients, odd?) I pay her tuition, rent, book money, daily Methadone dose and therapy, medications, food, transportation, paying off 2 loans equaling $1800.00 that she used to purchased her Heroin over the summer, fun money anything else she needs that I can't think about. Now this threat that if we don't do this...she will drop out of school. Well, I'm not going to take the bait and go buy her a car. I can't afford it and she can walk, take the bus, take the moped or take a cab. I'm gonna say no. How do I handle this further? She is 22yrs old, I'm sure she will throw some other painful threat at my husband and myself. I must admit that this does hurt, I did cry and I don't know how much longer I can take these verbal attacks. Any advise from parents to addicts themselves would be appreciated. Not much more
Strength left in me. Thanks friends! TF

help4hubby

I'm really sorry that you're going through this. Your story sounds similar to my husband and my mother in-law's. He's put her through hell and back (in my opinion). I am by no means an expert and I never did see my husband during full blown heroin addiction (only relapses over the last couple of years). He is an only child and ended up going to prison for 5 years due to drugs. In my opinion she's done too much for him. I'm not blaming her for his problems in any way, I just really feel like my husband has taken advantage of her over the years. He's now 32 y/o and even though we are married adults he feels very little responsibility for his life and decisions (it seems). He lies, drinks & drives, has no fear of the law or jail. He works for his stepdad bc with a felony record there is little else he can do (he flat out refuses to work at any of the places that would hire him). I'm not trying to insult your daughter or say that she will end up with a criminal record but I want to stress that you aren't to blame if she decides to drop out of school (which I really hope she doesn't). My husband went to a junior college that his mom paid for and was a few month s away from graduating when he quit. His options are very limited w/o a degree and with a felony record.

AnvilheadII

seems to me you give her an option - either A) suck it up and deal and graduate with NO car or B) if she does indeed drop out, you yank ALL funding. you have given her EVERY opportunity and she is now holding all that ransom, cuz SHE wants what SHE wants. well tough stuff, little sister. she "should" be damned grateful she has family still supporting her, that she HAS transportation and a roof over her head, and someone basically paying all her expenses.

you can look at it this way, for all you HAVE done for her.....she isn't grateful, or beginning to act like a grown up. you have provided her the best possible chance, at some point SHE has to be her own chance. I know it's tough. but pampering her butt isn't bringing about the desired results.

best thing my mom ever did for me was kick me out. at 19. with a car yes, but that was it. even had to give my key to the house back. I was truly on my own.

bigsombrero

Sorry to hear about your struggles. I went to UW-Madison also and was right in the middle of the seedy underbelly of the drug and alcohol culture there. Dropped out of school to drink, bartend, and do drugs - I am sorry your daughter has fallen victim to drug abuse but I'm encouraged that she is attending school. Graduation and a change of scenery will help immensely.

For what it's worth, you know as well as I do that a mo-ped is a plenty fine method of transportation there. They have a reliable metro bus service that you can track online so you do not have to wait in the cold, and the city is relatively small. I lived there for years without a car or scooter. And it wouldn't have made a difference in my life if I did.

Anyway, just wanted to give you a pat on the back, it must be hard. Having spent many years in Madison, I can tell you that moving after graduation and getting out of that city was a real bright point in my early adult life. I hope your daughter can start working on her future plans as well, when and if she is able.

BoxinRotz

This. If she drops out, Shut the bank DOWN! Let her see what the real world is all about. Ain't nothing like a good dose of reality slapping you in the face.

Twofish

Thank you for the support, I really feel like I'm held in prison by my AD and SR is my family and only visitor. We give and give and give. She takes and takes and takes, and sees nothing wrong with what she is doing to the family. I continue to love her and I'm starting to feel sorry for her. And you're 100% correct, I grew up in MadCity and my husband went to school there. The campus is doable, bicycle, scooter, bus, cab or foot. The threats hurt but I'm not taking the bait this time. I pray my husband doesn't fall for that AV screaming from her mouth. She is beautiful and smart, but that pull of addiction...who will she listen to? I can't help wonder if something happened at the Methadone Clinic? A dirty urine? Would they talk to me if I called them? Yet do I want to hear something that will break this old heart again..? Madison used to be so desirable, great place to grow up in and raise a family, but that was 30yrs ago, I see that drugs fell in love with Madison too.

BoxinRotz

They probably won't tell you anything.

YouWillBe

I'm not an expert at thinking straight when it comes to my addicted daughter, but that was my first thought halfway through your post.

She's acting out, even though you have given her enough (might not be everything she wants, but it IS enough).

I would be very suspicious of my girl if she was doing well and then all of a sudden throwing a hissy. Something just doesn't seem right.

LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. Even if it's not something you want to know, you probably already do, sad to say.

bigsombrero

I am sure she is not asking for a car because she needs one for transportation to-and-from the clinic. And threatening to drop out of school because you don't buy her a car...well, as you know that's just an addictive voice talking nonsense.

You seem to be handling this very rationally, and processing it well. You are right to have these feelings, and I can only imagine it's heartbreaking at the same time. But people recover. They grow up. They often have to hit a point where they have to choose between drugs or a stint in rehab. In my case, rehab and treatment worked to get my priorities back in order, after some real scares that shook me to the core.

And as we both know, Madison is a wonderful place. You can't blame it on the city, it happens everywhere. I recently went back there, for a weekend over the summer. I took a train to Milwaukee, and then a bus to Madison where I stayed for a couple days. I was by myself. Stayed on the lake. Walked up to the Capitol for coffee, had a brat at State Street Brats, sat at the Union Terrace and had a gatorade and watched the orientation crowds. Kind of therapeutic, I felt like I was "making peace" with Madison - a city (and school) I have felt very negatively about since recovery. Someday you will all feel well there again too. Your daughter will make it - but she needs to set her own priorities, something you cannot do for her. Sorry you are sitting there feeling so helpless, but that's all you can do. Good luck and be well. Remember to take care of yourself.

ProgressNotPerfection

When I got clean and sober, my parents asked if there was anything they could do to help. I suggested they go to Al-anon to learn what they were doing that kept me sick, whether they knew they were doing it or not. They did. A month later, I was cut off, except for rent because they "didn't want me on the street". The rest of it was up to me. The told me that in six months, I'd be paying the rent as well. That was in 1985. I'm still sober. Thanks Mom and Dad for cutting me off!

needingabreak

Twofish,
I agree with above posters. You do enough already. I hate the darn threats. I got plenty of those myself from my son in previous years. I finally wised up and said go ahead. he didn't do what he threatened. She needs to be told no. It is the best thing you can do for her. Good luck. I know how hard it is. I am still learning.

Kindeyes

No....is a complete sentence.

An addict uses our fear, obligation, and guilt (here comes the F.O.G. again) to manipulate us. Why? Because it works. Those emotions cloud our thinking......puts us in the fog they need to get what they want.

If you truly love her, call her bluff (I used those first five words to manipulate you by the way).

I do understand how hard it is.......I can't tell you how many times my son used those tactics with me. I hate to admit how many times it worked. But I can tell you that once I truly began to understand his tools of manipulation and stopped playing along.....it disarmed the tools.....the fear, obligation and guilt stopped working.

Take care of you. Let her be mad. Let her drop out. Let her own it. And don't be surprised if she "ups" the volume. It's what they do.

gentle hugs
ke

kyara

How long do you allow someone to walk all over you like that? Your child or not, addicted or not! She knows you will do whatever she tells you so she pushes for mmore and more. Give her a taste of the real world. As painful as that may be to you, its the only way she is going to learn. Its called tough love!

marteen

Hi. I used to be here a lot but have not been back here in a very long time. When I saw your post, it compelled me to post a reply since I have been where you are. My AD threatened many things that finally resulted in threat of, "I'll commit suicide and kill myself if I don't get help". That is something a mother does not want to hear at all. However, I learned from being here and doing much research and going to Naranon meetings that it mattered NOT whether I helped her or gave her what she needed, what mattered is whether SHE was willing to do that for herself. No matter what we did or did not give, if she didn't want to get or stay clean, she would find any excuse for using and just try to pass the blame on to us. We decided NOT to take it.

Take back your life and sanity and give her the keys to her own life and decisions. If she really wants what you want for her, she will find a way. If not, it won't matter what you did or how much money you gave up. You just need to find a way to stop taking the blame and to stop realizing that ruining your life will NOT save hers.
So sorry you are going through this but you will make it. But you can't control her life or decisions.

Hugs,
Marteen

allforcnm

Ive been reading your post for a while now, and Ive been impressed by the way you are handling your children. You are showing such support to your AD, and I hope (HOPE) that she is only going through a rough patch emotionally, and lashing out, will come to her senses... she is almost done with college. She is fortunate to have all the support with tuition, books. She is so close.... Somewhere inside herself she needs to realize she is almost to the finish line, and she can endure this. Im not really one for tough love, but I do feel that Ive learned something, grown stronger every time I faced challenges in my life, and made it to the other side. This may/may not really feel like a necessity to her, but accepting what is, and dealing with it, will boost her confidence. Most college towns have a good transportation system, and it also doesn't sound like she is thinking the car through all the way ... she has to have insurance, pay for gas, is there parking where she lives... Im sorry your having a bad day, I hope tomorrow is better.

Lily1918

I second this

Hugs to yo TF. Im so sorry for what you are going through

Twofish

Hey SR, I worried all night, why the sudden change? It will be winter soon here in WI, so a scooter to theMethadone clinic will be difficult,but a bus will make it thru the snow. Then she has to walk to class and her internship all the while Methadone is in here system. This doesn't sound so difficult to me, not like walking 10 miles to school each way in a foot of snow, like our forefathers did (ha!). My thought is that her body is adjusting to the Methadone, the dose is not quite right yet. She had mentioned the other day they keep upping her dose slowly but didn't want to go above 70mg, which BTW, is that a normal dose, average dose? I decided in my dreams last night that I will continue to pay the rent, $750/month, the lease is in my name, so I will pay up until she would of graduated, then seek out a subleaser. This control she has over me, the family, all but the RAD, who went thru her withdrawals on her own after a suicide attempt. This daughter is very angry with the older one, won't even be in the same room with her sister. She votes NOT to get her a car or even pay for a taxi (just found that my husband offered to pay for a taxi to get her around). She can do it, graduate, get her Methadone, live her life and be a little happy, if she would only try. I've found nothing in life is really easy, especially for an addict, it takes a small effort, she just has to be strong. I know if she calls me today...what do I say? The above posts will go to good use. Think of us today, encouraging thoughts, I respect SR and greatly value your opinion. TF

Txhelp

You are right..she can do it if she wants it.
Its good for her to take ownership of her life. In fact its healthy.

I tell my AD that life is full of struggles. When you are sober you can deal in a logical way. It builds confidence when we overcome hardships. We have to give them that chance.

BeavsDad

"I will not be threatened. Do it again and I will cut off all the money. I love you, good-bye"

Why does the other daughter get a "vote"?

Any positive steps you take towards decreasing your enabling will be quickly undone by your husband if you don't try to get on the same page and agree on some boundaries.

Twofish

I have to quit having this compelling need to fix her...I found myself looking at the used cars for sale in the news paper, no, I must stop this. The 22yr old AD asking for a car, I did let her used a old beater we have. Well, that car is registered in my name and I started getting mail from the Madison Police Dept for unpaid parking tickets, many of them, like hundreds of dollars worth, fines and penalties for nonpayment, then one day, they parked this car and couldn't remember where they parked it. Obviously, they had it towed, or someone towed it. Parking is very tight on campus. So I had to call around to the towing companies and I found it, $470 later, plus a notarized letter stating she could retrieve it. So that's the main reason she's not getting a car to use when everything is within walking or busing distance. This towing issue, has happened 3 times now with the car and once with the moped. Addicts are so expensive to look after. Why doesn't she see that I can't afford this? What is going on in her brain to threaten us all the time? No means no, I even get that, my 14 yr old gets it too, he doesn't constantly beg and beg for stuff. If I added up all the fines, tickets, food, and other stuff she doesn't pay for, she could of bought herself a pretty darn nice car. Heroin must be expensive, I don't know, I thought I was buying books, etc. Sorry, I'm whining out loud. Tonight is my meeting for parents of addicts, I'm looking forward to this, I just hope the parents who sit and argue and blame each other arn't there. I want to talk for a change. So I will go about my day, trying my hardest not to worry about my girl, my girl that's an addict, but to think about my girl, who is beautiful inside and out, the one who used to love butterflies and flowers and life. I'm gonna get her back somehow someday. She is in there, somewhere, right? TF