Relapse...Meth and the gay man
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Relapse...Meth and the gay man
My partner had been sober for 4 years...last week he relapsed on meth. I'm overwhelmed by the disappointment and confusion. Our journey has not been an easy one, but I thought he was doing so well.
My partner is HIV+ and I am not, when we first started dating he was very honest about his status and how his past drug use was the cause. As a gay man his status was concerning but not a deal breaker. Many of my friend are HIV+. The drug use raised more of an eyebrow, but he said that was in his past and that he was no longer using. 1 yr into our relationship I discovered he had relapsed on meth and that his past drug use was not as casual as he had first implied. The reality was he is a meth addict, who had been clean for 1.5 yrs before we met.
At the time of his relapse, I read all the books and the blogs and I chose to stay. I stayed because I loved him. We had been through so much with respect to his HIV status. I stayed because I believed in him. I stayed because I knew he was capable of building a better life.
I stood by him as he started a more formal plan for recovery. He got a counselor, he went to meetings, he cut off the old friends he had used with. For 4 years he made dramatic improvements in his life. Just last year he participated in a triathlon.
Last week I discovered that he had relapsed twice in the last 4 months. He used, he had sex with strangers, and he tried to hide it from me. I am crushed and devastated and my heart breaks not only for myself but for him.
When I chose to stay 4yrs ago the boundary was I would leave if he continued to use. Now that time has come and I cant bring myself to leave. I fear what will happen to him if i do. I'm morning the loss of the life we built and my head is racked with confusion.
I realize no one can tell me what to do. But I feel so lost! He knows what he needs to do to get back on track, to find his way back to sobriety. But I don't have a list. What do I do!?
My partner is HIV+ and I am not, when we first started dating he was very honest about his status and how his past drug use was the cause. As a gay man his status was concerning but not a deal breaker. Many of my friend are HIV+. The drug use raised more of an eyebrow, but he said that was in his past and that he was no longer using. 1 yr into our relationship I discovered he had relapsed on meth and that his past drug use was not as casual as he had first implied. The reality was he is a meth addict, who had been clean for 1.5 yrs before we met.
At the time of his relapse, I read all the books and the blogs and I chose to stay. I stayed because I loved him. We had been through so much with respect to his HIV status. I stayed because I believed in him. I stayed because I knew he was capable of building a better life.
I stood by him as he started a more formal plan for recovery. He got a counselor, he went to meetings, he cut off the old friends he had used with. For 4 years he made dramatic improvements in his life. Just last year he participated in a triathlon.
Last week I discovered that he had relapsed twice in the last 4 months. He used, he had sex with strangers, and he tried to hide it from me. I am crushed and devastated and my heart breaks not only for myself but for him.
When I chose to stay 4yrs ago the boundary was I would leave if he continued to use. Now that time has come and I cant bring myself to leave. I fear what will happen to him if i do. I'm morning the loss of the life we built and my head is racked with confusion.
I realize no one can tell me what to do. But I feel so lost! He knows what he needs to do to get back on track, to find his way back to sobriety. But I don't have a list. What do I do!?
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Location: Norfolk, VA
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Originally Posted by phoenix929 
When I chose to stay 4yrs ago the boundary was I would leave if he continued to use. Now that time has come and I cant bring myself to leave. I fear what will happen to him if i do.
You're staying may not change anything for him.
Your leaving may change everything for you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: somerset
Posts: 51
I had a eureka moment when my feelings about the whole addiction situation with my husband calmed down(basically I kicked him out for two weeks but if I hadn't had those two weeks to really get to grip with my own behaviour and feelings about this subject I would not been able to make an informed or rational decision on what to do next) very long story short I have taken him back and we are both taking baby steps with our relationship and he is taking action with his own personal emotional issues) basically nothing you can do to stop it, but if your partner is willing and accepting of his addiction you can support him(which for me is simply) good food, playing board games and other things that help him appreciate life for what it is I don't know if any of this helps but all of us here have similar situations xxxooo big hugs hun xxoo
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by phoenix929
When I chose to stay 4yrs ago the boundary was I would leave if he continued to use. Now that time has come and I cant bring myself to leave. I fear what will happen to him if i do.
I have been on both sides of the fence...I am a recovering alcoholic/addict (meth was my drug of choice). I was also married to an alcoholic/addict who contracted HIV from sharing needles with someone else while I was in rehab. We both shared needles all the time.
He died at the tender age of 47 from complications due to AIDS.
I also have a 35-year-old daughter in active addiction.
This much I can tell you about decisions based on fear that I made. They were a disaster in the end most of the time, and all I did was create more pain for myself.
One of the hardest and best decisions I ever made was to walk away from that man and save myself.
I surrounded myself with a great support network of others in recovery, and moved forward with my life.
You cannot save him. Yes, he knows what to do, but whether he chooses that path again is an unknown. When I relapsed after 4 years clean/sober, I was "out there" for two miserable, painful chaotic months. I was lucky to get back into recovery and stay in recovery. Most relapsers are not that lucky.
I understand the confusion you are feeling, and the paralysis of not being able to leave him.
I spent 5 long, horrible, violent years with that man, and almost died. I was a shell of a person.
Today I know I can face the fear and walk through it. I don't have to plan my life around it.
My 35-year-old daughter has been at it for 20 years now, and what I have learned is that her higher power has a plan for her just as he has for me, and I stay out of the way.
I sleep well at night knowing I have placed her in God's loving hands.
Please continue to reach out, post, and ask questions. You have landed among a terrific group of people.!
Sending you hugs of support on the hot Kansas winds today.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Posts: 124
You're on a threshold between two rooms right now: the one you've been in for years with your partner (and, most probably, for more years prior to this relationship), and the one your gut is urging you to move into, for your own health and emotional well-being. In the room you've been in for so long you have things that are familiar to you, but that doesn't necessarily make them good for you; the other room seems empty and foreign – I know, because I've been in your position – but it's really full of so many wonderful things, only you're blind to them right now.
Your decision on what you need to do has already been made -- the only problem is that you're not listening to yourself. I had my own little voice speaking the truth to me for years, but I willfully ignored it because I didn't like the truth. I wanted my fantasy, and in my obstinance I almost lost my life. My mind was twisted by my past experiences, and unbalanced by the chemical wash brought on by years of constant stress, that I permitted things to happen to me that a sane person would never allow. And I lied to myself, saying that I was doing it all out of love for my partner.
I'm sorry for your pain right now and I truly, truly wish the best for you. I hope that you begin to see the possibilities that await you once you step into the other room. It was a terrifying step for me, but others who had gone before helped me through it. The same help is available to you.
Your decision on what you need to do has already been made -- the only problem is that you're not listening to yourself. I had my own little voice speaking the truth to me for years, but I willfully ignored it because I didn't like the truth. I wanted my fantasy, and in my obstinance I almost lost my life. My mind was twisted by my past experiences, and unbalanced by the chemical wash brought on by years of constant stress, that I permitted things to happen to me that a sane person would never allow. And I lied to myself, saying that I was doing it all out of love for my partner.
I'm sorry for your pain right now and I truly, truly wish the best for you. I hope that you begin to see the possibilities that await you once you step into the other room. It was a terrifying step for me, but others who had gone before helped me through it. The same help is available to you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
He used, he had sex with strangers, and he tried to hide it from me.
and he's HIV +. he still engages in risky, life threatenting behaviors, not only for himself but with whomever he had sex with....we can guess it was probably unprotected sex. he is not only uncaring about his own situation, but what he might do to others.
YOU deserve better. HE isn't concerned about assuring your health and safety, he isn't even concerned with his own....drugs trump everything.
the rule is if the airplane suffers significant loss of cabin pressure, the oxygen masks drop....you always don your own mask first and then see if you can render aid. if you do not take care of YOU, survival is not possible.
and he's HIV +. he still engages in risky, life threatenting behaviors, not only for himself but with whomever he had sex with....we can guess it was probably unprotected sex. he is not only uncaring about his own situation, but what he might do to others.
YOU deserve better. HE isn't concerned about assuring your health and safety, he isn't even concerned with his own....drugs trump everything.
the rule is if the airplane suffers significant loss of cabin pressure, the oxygen masks drop....you always don your own mask first and then see if you can render aid. if you do not take care of YOU, survival is not possible.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by phoenix929
He knows what he needs to do to get back on track, to find his way back to sobriety. But I don't have a list. What do I do!?
The best thing we can do for ourselves and the addict is to take care of ourselves first. Whatever that looks like.....take care of you. For some of us, that means going to our own meetings to help us learn tools in coping with our loved one's addiction (Nar-Anon, Al-Anon, and CoDA are some examples) or going to private counseling. Reading. Posting here on SR. WE need help too.
You are not alone. Most of us understand how torn you feel between staying and violating your own boundary.....or leaving and dealing with a broken heart. Like most of us, you will do whatever you do until that turmoil inside is resolved.
Time always reveals more. Please.....take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by phoenix929
He says returning to sobriety. But does this roller coaster ever come to an end?
Trust is something that takes a long time to rebuild after it has been violated. Unfortunately, since addiction is not something that completely "goes away", it feels as though it is always lurking there in the background.....even when the addict is in recovery.
I recently experienced a "high anxiety codependent relapse" because I thought my son had relapsed (still don't know for certain whether he has or not--he is calm, serene, polite, considerate but there are other things that concern me--I have to keep reminding myself that his recovery is none of my business) so I had to employ MY tools to get off the "ride". I can't change my son or make him stay clean and sober. I can do my best to stay emotionally detached from his addiction. I do that by going to meetings. Reading here on SR. Reading the mounds of literature and recovery books that I have. And chatting frequently with my higher power--because I can't do it alone.
That's what works for me.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Posts: 124
As I read what Kindeyes says above, I think about one of the fundamental differences between your situation (as I understand it) and hers with her son [I'm making an assumption about the gender of Kindeyes]: you're talking about someone with whom you chose to form a relationship about 5 years ago, and Kindeyes is talking about someone with whom she has the most intimate and permanent relationship possible.
I point this out because I, too, was in a "partner" relationship with a person addicted to substances, and A LOT of the guilt that I felt for stepping out of it was wrapped up in my role as his caretaker, which had very uncomfortable underpinnings of a parent/child relationship. Looking back, I can see that I felt as if I was abandoning a child -- MY child -- and there was something like a genetic force that I struggled against every time I considered letting go.
Maybe you don't agree, but to me that's an indication of how sick I was. Our partners are not our children, and it's disrespectful to BOTH members of a relationship to maintain such a dynamic (it wasn't just me -- he treated me like his parent). There was so much wrong, so much sickness in my relationship, but I refused to let go for years, partly for this issue that I'm discussing now, and partly for my refusal to accept reality, as I mentioned before in this thread.
Am I saying that one should not care for a partner? Absolutely not. But there have to be limits and boundaries – otherwise we become caretakers, and not much more. The illness of addiction seems to feed off the willingness of others to help, and for a lot of the folks here on SR, that dovetails into our own illnesses, and we become just as enslaved to the addicted person as the addict becomes a slave to the substance.
I point this out because I, too, was in a "partner" relationship with a person addicted to substances, and A LOT of the guilt that I felt for stepping out of it was wrapped up in my role as his caretaker, which had very uncomfortable underpinnings of a parent/child relationship. Looking back, I can see that I felt as if I was abandoning a child -- MY child -- and there was something like a genetic force that I struggled against every time I considered letting go.
Maybe you don't agree, but to me that's an indication of how sick I was. Our partners are not our children, and it's disrespectful to BOTH members of a relationship to maintain such a dynamic (it wasn't just me -- he treated me like his parent). There was so much wrong, so much sickness in my relationship, but I refused to let go for years, partly for this issue that I'm discussing now, and partly for my refusal to accept reality, as I mentioned before in this thread.
Am I saying that one should not care for a partner? Absolutely not. But there have to be limits and boundaries – otherwise we become caretakers, and not much more. The illness of addiction seems to feed off the willingness of others to help, and for a lot of the folks here on SR, that dovetails into our own illnesses, and we become just as enslaved to the addicted person as the addict becomes a slave to the substance.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
no one needs --- much pain and sorrow
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
I fear what will happen to you if you stay. You are getting a glimpse of the chaos that living with and loving an active addict brings with it.
I agree with doggonecarl above
in most all cases being with an active addict
only brings much pain and sorrow
think about what's best for yourself ?
Mountainman
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
I guess the people that are in a relationship that isn't Child/Parent have the option to walk away. Heal. Unless your not open to that option because you feel that there is always hope for your friend, lover, and "future" with this person... the way it was when they weren't in active addiction.
As in my case.. my AH gets 6 months on and off the sober train... and hopefully this time he goes into a long-term treatment program. One year + so he can fix the inside issues he has. I take it one day at a time. I know MANY relationships fail because of addiction. I am not special or different than anyone else.. but I am not ready to let go. This is okay. We are all on our own journey. There isn't right and wrong all the time. It's just about living our life the best way we can. Good luck!
As in my case.. my AH gets 6 months on and off the sober train... and hopefully this time he goes into a long-term treatment program. One year + so he can fix the inside issues he has. I take it one day at a time. I know MANY relationships fail because of addiction. I am not special or different than anyone else.. but I am not ready to let go. This is okay. We are all on our own journey. There isn't right and wrong all the time. It's just about living our life the best way we can. Good luck!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 74
One of the things I've learned on Al Anon is that you don't make threats you can't keep. You make promises, and you stick to them.
You already drew your line in the sand. You have to abide by that line, even if it hurts, because the alternative is to continue to tolerate behavior that is destroying you.
Sometimes, for an addict to egt better, they have to hit rock bottom, and to do that, sometimes the removal of the things they love is what it takes. I had to threaten my husband with that, and he knew damn well I meant it.
By not following through, you are teaching your addict that there are no consequences to his actions.
I have been afraid to put my foot down, because I have two children, and frankly, I don't want to be a single mom.
But in the end, I had to see that being a single mom with two girls in a healthy household is better than being married in a household with a man snorting his anxiety meds. Your addict will NOT get better on his own. Staying with him is NOT helping you, it's not helping him. It's hurting both of you. By staying, you are enabling him to continue. You can only change you; change the dance. What will happen when you leave? Only he can decide that. You can't stop it. You can't help it. All you can do is tell him what it takes to get you back, and let him make that choice.
My husband is now dealing with the consequences of his own actions, though he still minimizes the cause. Will it be enough? I don't know. We'll see. He'll be apart from us for 6 months in an inpatient long term treatment program. MAybe that will be enough to show him the reality of his situation.
Time will tell.
In your case, you know what you need to do. I hope and pray that the worse case scenario happens, but if it does (god forbid) know that it was HIS choices that made that happen. Not yours.
For now, get to Al Anon. Go no matter what it takes. You'll be glad you did. Give it a chance, a few weeks at least. Listen. Share. Learn. And keep coming back.
And remember this: If nothing changes? Nothing changes.
You already drew your line in the sand. You have to abide by that line, even if it hurts, because the alternative is to continue to tolerate behavior that is destroying you.
Sometimes, for an addict to egt better, they have to hit rock bottom, and to do that, sometimes the removal of the things they love is what it takes. I had to threaten my husband with that, and he knew damn well I meant it.
By not following through, you are teaching your addict that there are no consequences to his actions.
I have been afraid to put my foot down, because I have two children, and frankly, I don't want to be a single mom.
But in the end, I had to see that being a single mom with two girls in a healthy household is better than being married in a household with a man snorting his anxiety meds. Your addict will NOT get better on his own. Staying with him is NOT helping you, it's not helping him. It's hurting both of you. By staying, you are enabling him to continue. You can only change you; change the dance. What will happen when you leave? Only he can decide that. You can't stop it. You can't help it. All you can do is tell him what it takes to get you back, and let him make that choice.
My husband is now dealing with the consequences of his own actions, though he still minimizes the cause. Will it be enough? I don't know. We'll see. He'll be apart from us for 6 months in an inpatient long term treatment program. MAybe that will be enough to show him the reality of his situation.
Time will tell.
In your case, you know what you need to do. I hope and pray that the worse case scenario happens, but if it does (god forbid) know that it was HIS choices that made that happen. Not yours.
For now, get to Al Anon. Go no matter what it takes. You'll be glad you did. Give it a chance, a few weeks at least. Listen. Share. Learn. And keep coming back.
And remember this: If nothing changes? Nothing changes.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 5
Update - Yesterday I made the decision to end our relationship. I have asked my partner of 5 years to move out. I made this decision for myself. I have come to realize that in the course of our relationship, I have grown desensitized to all of the actions and behaviors that would normally be cause for alarm. My partners drug use, the lies, the cheating, all came on slowly and with each new disappointment I rationalized why it was ok for me to stay...the answer was mainly for him.
SR has been an enormous source of comfort. Each of your stories and your words of support and encouragement serve a vital purpose. You provide comfort to all of us who are struggling to make heads or tails of our chaotic lives. In SR I found a place to talk and for a moment not feel the private guilt that I, and I imagine so many others, harbor.
Thank you. I do not know what happens next. I just have to believe that what I am doing is right. No matter where your own journeys lead you, I sincerely hope you experience positive outcomes.
SR has been an enormous source of comfort. Each of your stories and your words of support and encouragement serve a vital purpose. You provide comfort to all of us who are struggling to make heads or tails of our chaotic lives. In SR I found a place to talk and for a moment not feel the private guilt that I, and I imagine so many others, harbor.
Thank you. I do not know what happens next. I just have to believe that what I am doing is right. No matter where your own journeys lead you, I sincerely hope you experience positive outcomes.
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