OneNightAWeek

I dont know how to phrase this but will try. I was wondering where the addicts feelings and emotions come in regarding addiction, fears of withdrawals, sobriety, and the like. I hear so many people here sort of reject anything an addict says as manipulation, or words coming from a distorted mind. I do agree the mind is distorted, especially when high. I understand that part. But I do think there are feelings, fear, emotions that they struggle with and are real. I was wondering if your in a relationship how you respect those feelings from your partner, how you show your compassion, understanding, support, encouragement as I feel that is also part of marriage, being able to have this connection.

pravchaw

The way I see it is that the addicted person's mind is distorted because the compulsive beheviour (drugs becomes priority #1) and effect of the drug itself. Obsessing about drugs, scoring it, using it, hiding it - takes so much out of them that they don't have time for other things. Apart from that they are normal people and should be treated normally.

I highly recommend this book,
Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening: Robert J. Meyers, Brenda L. Wolfe: 9781592850815: Amazon.com: Books
It gave me some good ideas to communicate with my son without enabling him.

interrupted

All of those feelings and emotions are a huge part of any recovery process, and an addict active in recovery will be sharing all of them with their recovery group, therapist, and/or sponsor. Simply put, it's not that they are rejected, it's that they are beside the point. Our focus is on our own recovery, and our own feelings, emotions, and fears. We aren't the best people to handle our loved ones' recovery, in fact we're usually the worst - that's why they have their own program. Just like in our case, if they work it, it works.

soberhawk

Of course addicts have feelings like everyone else, but there will always be something else in play also and it is often progressive. Some are of course just crazy, but even if they are good sensitive people there will always be this extra factor in play, and I am not sure it is less painful to watch people that have many good qualities be taken over by addiction.

OneNightAWeek

I would like to look at this book, have read about it before on here and it sounds like something I need. Thanks for the link

OneNightAWeek

I respect your thoughts and appreciate your sharing this. Its the same line of thinking I have heard in the alanon meetings I went to, but I dont accept it completely. I am fine with my husbands privacy, and for example I did not question him about what he talked to when he had the first session with the addiction doctor. He brought some of it up, and in the past when I have gone to see the doctor, I have also come home and shared things with him. The doctor told me this was even healthy, and we needed to talk and share and feel comfortable dealing with the drug use and addiction.

Maybe that is partially why I ask the question, because I dont think my husbands feelings and emotions are beside the point. I think its worse to be in a marriage and not receptive to each others thoughts and feelings. I dont understand how people who are married are supposed to communicate under the alanon program. Treat him as my husband, as normal as possible, this means wart and all to me. Its like if he had cancer I could respect that he had a support group and could talk to them about certain things because maybe they had the exact same feelings or physical symptoms, or worries. But if he had cancer I would still be open to hearing about his feelings, his fears, his worries, and I would in turn share mine. I might also have a friends or family I talked to in a different way, but there wouldnt be two different recoveries, or walls shutting off topics. Dont know if that makes sense, but its been on my mind as I try to decipher things for myself. I cant get past that because it seems illogical to me.

OneNightAWeek

Maybe that is why it is harder, because my husband is functional, and he is a good person, we have always talked and been close. It is hard to see him doing this to himself, and sometimes see less of the good qualities, the confident, loving man I married. Knowing that more of that will appear if his drug use progresses.

LoveMeNow

I think many of us married good people who were highly functioning and once had good marriages. Addiction does not discriminate, neither does terminally uniqueness.

OneNightAWeek

Many yes, but not all. I read here and a lot of people post about addicts who are not functional, or who have reached a stage of addiction where they drained the family bank accounts, lost the family home, are facing criminal charges, and its not isolated incidents, its one right after another. I understand it would be easier to not care about your partners feelings, words when you have been screwed over again and again.

My comment was referring to my exact moment in time with my husband, where we are talking and he is voluntarily sharing his thoughts and feelings. I dont view it as manipulation, but again if I have to lay it out part of my confusion comes from alanon because over and over they seem to imply any positive interaction, words, moments are simply manipulation on the part of the addict, not true feelings, only to use you, or get from you what they want.

Im asking the question of how people relate when they arent of the mind its all manipulation. Like when my husband sends me flowers, I do not say he is only doing it because he is trying to manipulate me, because I dont feel that way.

story74

Compassion or Connection? With an addict? I feel sympathy and I miss who he once was. BUT, when my son asks why daddy can't come to his class birthday and feels like he did something wrong to make his daddy go away, I feel nothing but sadness, disappointment and anger. My xah has cheated on me and jeopardized my health. He abandoned me and left me alone to raise my son and pay the bills. And, my son is left with no father and a questionable future all because this so called man couldn't control himself. Compassion and connection? No. How much can you give and make excuses for someone just destroying family and an innocent soul. There is only so much one can take.

AnvilheadII

well let's see....he SAID the right things...he WANTs to quit, is INTERESTED in seeing the addiction specialist, etc etc, gonna quit to be a good husband and father, yada yada and then....

did what? USED. all weekend. which you have managed to basically overlooked because you are still HOOKED on what he SAID, not what he did.

he's using a lot more than you are willing to believe. he's feeding you lines, no pun intended. and it's WORKING. cuz you are now fixated on how he FEELS...and how he's not that bad, he's not like the addicts we here collectively have lived with on SR.

he IS manipulating you cuz he is STILL using. with a BABY on the way. what I found interesting that what seemed to concern you the most was that he might cheat while high. not that he quit, like NOW...not how selfish and irresponsible he is being. his drug use concerns you a lot less than what he might do while high.

if he doesn't quit it will ALL get worse. more money, more time spent using, the need to use more to try and still get high, using at work, using at home (he already does that). HIS main concern is cocaine. when and how. the reason why I suggest he's using MORE not less is that because he keeps a more constant supply going, he doesn't get the jones going and then bust out. he's been using long enough where you can't really tell if he's had a little.

while YOU got pregnant, are carrying your first child, returned to work full time AND resumed your grad schooling, he has done what again? nuthin.

Ann

I listened to my son's feelings, how he hated himself for using, how sorry he was and guilty he felt for all the things he had done, how given a chance he would prove he could change. I wiped his tears, and gave him chances and a loving home with open dialogue all day every day....and he continued to use.

Some people, whether couples or parents and children, can have healthy open dialogues, share feelings and live happily ever after. I genuinely mean it when I say good for them. I wish them wonderful lives, truly I do.

But most of us have heard it all and then watched them continue to self-destruct, no matter how much we talked.

The time came, for me and for many here, where we no longer wanted to hear how they felt, how poor them were doing today, how rough their lives had become...no matter how true or genuine the feelings. Why? Because we heard it all before and now we cared more about how WE feel, how WE are doing today. The time came where we needed to care more about ourselves than anyone else, or sink with our addicts into the darkness.

My meetings saved my life. My meetings helped me heal and find hope that I just might be able to live a life that was not filled with fear or sadness or deceit but instead one that was filled with joy and love and gratitude for all the beauty life held.

I pray for others and take care of myself. That has made all the difference in my life.

Hugs

LoveMeNow

My husband has never had any legal trouble....yet. He was always a great provider. I had no idea he was addicted to pills. I was very naive about addiction as well. Also, the fact they were prescribed was very deceiving for me. But addiction is always progressive and when the main income earner (or anyone) starts to obsess about drugs, everything else will take a toll.

We had several emotional and heart wrenching conversations when I realized he had a "pill problem." I think he meant what he said at the time, but the drugs were to powerful.

I guess the only thing I can say with certainty is if your husband truly wants to change, you will KNOW it without any doubt. If you have any doubts or confusion, there is a very real reason why.

pravchaw

As with most things, the truth is in the middle. We need to be prepared for manipulation but not assume that everything is manipulation. Also as Anvil said you have watch for actions backing up words not just words. Al/N anon does sometime feel for newcomers like us, a support group for people trying to ,OK for doing nothing. We may reach that stage (if our A's do not respond), but I am not there yet (and I would say neither are you).

The nar-anon group I attended (3 or 4 times now) was all women, not a single man showed up. While the women were welcoming and very nice and all that, I am just finding it a little difficult to relate to the group.

someoneswife

My husband was a highly functional addict. Do I believe he was honest and had real feelings that he shared while he was using? Of course I do. I will say though that to me that doesn't matter. His real feelings while actively using were over ruled by his deceptive and selfish actions. So although I did get to see glimpses of the man I married I also saw a selfish monster. Do the real feelings they have stop them from using? If someone is emotionally honest and then immediately deceptive and hateful does it balance out? I think not. Actions speak louder than words.

LoveMeNow

Not sure if you have read this yet...

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

allforcnm

When my husband was actively using, I didn’t know very much about drugs, and mostly I was angry at the way he was acting. My situation was a little different I guess, because he told me flat out that he did not want to stop using. Looking back I don’t even think he was really addicted at the time; probably happened soon after, but not right then. I thought if I told him to go and do his thing until he was done, that he would get bored soon and stop. Part of me knew he would go wild for a while, but I really thought he would stop within a few weeks max. That’s how little I knew…

I now think - how you handle your husband’s emotions, feelings has a lot to do with how far along he has progressed in addiction, how he treats you, how your interactions affect you. I would try to treat him a normal as possible, as long as it feels right to you. I think people who become addicted in many cases are incredibly sensitive people, and they turn to drugs to get some feeling that is lacking within. (just my opinion). I think you also have to watch actions along with words, but know that change for most people happens in stages. Early stages may involve a lot of thinking, and a lot of emotions as they come to terms in their own mind that there is a problem, and then getting to a point where they realize they may need help with the problem. The sad part is some people never snap out of denial, or they don’t progress through the stages, and never seek out the help they need.

On communication, I would also recommend the book mentioned by Pravchaw. It was recommended to me by my therapist, and I used it to help support my husband during early recovery. It provides a positive approach to communicating, and reinforcing sober behavior, encouraging treatment.

OneNightAWeek

Here is the thing, he admitted to me weeks ago that he was using small amounts everyday, and larger amounts on the weekends. This goes back to what brought me here the weekends. After my seeing the addiction doctor and talking to my husband, he stopped using the larger amounts on the weekend, but he told me he was still using small amounts and he said he was addicted because without it he started to feel sick. This is when he told me he wanted to try to stop on his own.

For the past several weeks, he has been appearing very normal and engaged in our life, plans with the baby, and working as normal. He voluntarily asked if he could go with me to the appointment and talk to the doctor. I had not been nagging him about it because the doctor told me not to do that.

It was the day after that appointment that he started using MORE and it went into the weekend. Not at all like it was in the beginning, but I could tell he was on something. He did lie when he was high and said no, but I didnt believe him of course. I have also learned lying especially when he is high abotu drugs is something that I should not attack, as I know the truth and thats all that matters.

I think he is in denial about the drugs and the future, because he says he wants to quit and skips over it and talks about the future. One day he came home from work after stopping at the home store and brought all kinds of paint samples for me to look at, and two books on painting techniques, and murals all for the baby's room we are going to start working on soon.

He has told me he doesnt want any of my extra income from working more to go to bills, he wants me to save it, or buy whatever I want for the baby.

He is talking about how we need to set up a new account for the baby and he will start putting x amount of money in it each check, and I can be the only name on it because he knows Im afraid. And then he says something like and when he stops using, he will be able to put more in it. Like its no big deal and its a done deal, but yet he hasnt done it. How do you respond to something like that? Am I supposed to go into a discussion about how he wont be part of the babys life if he continues to use, threaten him? Leave him until he takes action? Or see if he can figure it out? He has an appointment tomorrow with the addiction doctor again, I guess Im waiting to see how that goes, if he goes, makes a commitment to stop now.

KariSue

What I did with my son (who doesn't live with me any longer) might be different than what you would do with a husband.

But, at a time when my son seemed sober, I said to him that it will take me a long time if ever to believe his words about anything. I told him that I will only believe what he actually DOES.

So he rarely says anything to me about addiction anymore but if he does I just say "Well that sounds positive but did you actually make the appointment (put money in the account or whatever the promise was) because, remember, I only believe what you DO."

In my case I had to ask him to move (after forever because I'm a slow learner, lol).

If you do decide to leave, don't make it an idle threat. Also, don't be mean. Just say "I can't be around you until I see some actual progress in your recovery. Not what you say you will do but what you DO." I also ask for proof. I can't tell you the number of times he said he had a receipt but mysteriously lost it. One was actually funny. He said "They were having trouble with their cash register and it couldn't print out a receipt." I could have called the store to ask if that was the truth but why bother. I knew it wasn't.

Kari

LoveMeNow

This is a time, a gift, to learn all about your pregnancy and all the needs of a newborn baby. Sadly, it seems your husbands problem has become the main focus- which is not uncommon.

What would this time be like if he wasn't addicted? Where would you put your energies? Make your boundaries and go from there. Being so enmeshed in his problem will only make you sick and won't help him in the least. What are your boundaries and what are your core values in a relationship. If he is not meeting those, it's time to find out why you are accepting it.

I think the more I tried to "help" the better my husband learn to lie, sneak and protect his addiction.