New here- family has been struggling with my brother's addiction for years
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 26
New here- family has been struggling with my brother's addiction for years
Hi 
I just joined today. My brother is a drug addict, he is 34 and I am 37. He has been a user and addict since he was about 14. I was online looking for local Nar-Anon meetings that I could attend with my parents, and I was happy to find this site where I can talk, vent, get advice & support, but just talking to other people who know what it's like most of all.
My brother is a crack addict and IV heroin user. Our mom was recently hospitalized with heart and lung problems, and needs constant care. This is the second time she has been very sick & needing someone to assist her (she and my dad live together & he is her primary caregiver but they ALSO have custody of my brother's 14 year old son who lives with them, and my dad has a small lawn care business)- I have a husband and 2 daughters and home of my own, and have been going back & forth between taking care of my kids and my mom. I don't want it to seem as if I resent this because I do not- I love my mom very much and will do anything I can for her. But last night my brother showed up tere as soon as I left, asking them for money, and even crying and asking his son for money. My parents are poor- mom is disabled and they live I'm a pretty bad neighborhood and my mom is really sick- to the point I've had to buy a shower chair and adult "diapers" and medicine for her. And instead of helping take care of our mom, he steals what little she has and cries and begs for their money. And frankly it just pissed me off. Mom and I were diagnosed with breast cancer in 2010 within 2 months of each other. We both had multiple surgeries and chemo, and mom had radiation also. Again, through all that- I was the one helping my dad take care of her. My brother on the other hand stole her pain medicine after her surgery.
I had put him completely out of mine & my
Children's lives almost 2 years ago. I could no longer deal with the pain, heartache, stress and worry. But when mom was in the hospital last week, he was up there, and he was clean (fresh out of prison, not even out 2 weeks). We took a long walk and talked, and it was nice. My parents did not let him move in with them this time, won't even let him in the house, they finally realized they were enabling him and told him he had to make it on his own. Then dad started hearing around the neighborhood that my brother was using again, he got kicked out of the house he was staying at with friends, kicked out of te job training program he was in at goodwill, and just like that he is gone again.
My brother was funny, caring, so artistically talented, and a good dad, son, brother, and uncle when he is clean. When he is using, he is a monster. Been in & out of jail & prison for almost 10 years (for theft every time), he has been in both voluntary and court ordered detox, rehab, sober living, and treatment facilities- both as a juvenile and as an adult. Sadly, he does best when he is in jail. When he is under strict supervision and told what to do 24/7. He stays clean, takes classes when he can, is the "model prisoner". But when he gets out he always uses again, he always breaks my parents hearts again, and he always breaks his children's (my niece and nephews) hearts again. I always feel I have to do all I can to make up for his mistakes, for the ones I love. I'm mentally & physically exhausted. My marriage has been shaky for the past few years, and dealing with all the physical and mental changes I've gone through since my cancer diagnosis, and now my mom is very ill and my brother is probably at his lowest point. He was sleeping in the basement full of roaches at the house of a crack addicted prostitute. And even she kicked him out.
My heart breaks for my parents, for my niece and nephews, and yes, even for my brother. What hell he must live in. We weren't exposed to that growing up, we weren't abused, we lived in a nice subdivision, our parents both were hard workers and neither are addicts or alcoholics. Sure, in high school, like most kids do, we drank at parties, experimented with different substances, but he just got stuck there. He has never been a responsible adult. Never had a checking account, a home or car loan, and with all his life changes when he was a young adult : his first child born, his best friend getting killed, his second child born, his first time in jail, his first time in PRISON, the first of many of his friends to die from an overdose, his being homeless, sleeping under a bridge- we always thought each new experience, good or bad, would be te catalyst for him to get clean. But it never is, and each time just gets worse.
Between my own hard times, and taking care of my household and helping take care of mom & dad's, all the stress and exhaustion has just about gotten me to the breaking point. The love of, and for, my mom and my little girls is what keeps me going, but I feel like I'm a car with an empty has tank, running on fumes.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I'm sorry for letting it get so long and rambling. I guess I really have alot I need to get off of my chest.
I am looking forward to being a part of the community here, I may ramble alot & write really long posts, but I always have an ear to lend, and alot of experience and advice to share in return
Thanks,
Heather
I just joined today. My brother is a drug addict, he is 34 and I am 37. He has been a user and addict since he was about 14. I was online looking for local Nar-Anon meetings that I could attend with my parents, and I was happy to find this site where I can talk, vent, get advice & support, but just talking to other people who know what it's like most of all.My brother is a crack addict and IV heroin user. Our mom was recently hospitalized with heart and lung problems, and needs constant care. This is the second time she has been very sick & needing someone to assist her (she and my dad live together & he is her primary caregiver but they ALSO have custody of my brother's 14 year old son who lives with them, and my dad has a small lawn care business)- I have a husband and 2 daughters and home of my own, and have been going back & forth between taking care of my kids and my mom. I don't want it to seem as if I resent this because I do not- I love my mom very much and will do anything I can for her. But last night my brother showed up tere as soon as I left, asking them for money, and even crying and asking his son for money. My parents are poor- mom is disabled and they live I'm a pretty bad neighborhood and my mom is really sick- to the point I've had to buy a shower chair and adult "diapers" and medicine for her. And instead of helping take care of our mom, he steals what little she has and cries and begs for their money. And frankly it just pissed me off. Mom and I were diagnosed with breast cancer in 2010 within 2 months of each other. We both had multiple surgeries and chemo, and mom had radiation also. Again, through all that- I was the one helping my dad take care of her. My brother on the other hand stole her pain medicine after her surgery.
I had put him completely out of mine & my
Children's lives almost 2 years ago. I could no longer deal with the pain, heartache, stress and worry. But when mom was in the hospital last week, he was up there, and he was clean (fresh out of prison, not even out 2 weeks). We took a long walk and talked, and it was nice. My parents did not let him move in with them this time, won't even let him in the house, they finally realized they were enabling him and told him he had to make it on his own. Then dad started hearing around the neighborhood that my brother was using again, he got kicked out of the house he was staying at with friends, kicked out of te job training program he was in at goodwill, and just like that he is gone again.
My brother was funny, caring, so artistically talented, and a good dad, son, brother, and uncle when he is clean. When he is using, he is a monster. Been in & out of jail & prison for almost 10 years (for theft every time), he has been in both voluntary and court ordered detox, rehab, sober living, and treatment facilities- both as a juvenile and as an adult. Sadly, he does best when he is in jail. When he is under strict supervision and told what to do 24/7. He stays clean, takes classes when he can, is the "model prisoner". But when he gets out he always uses again, he always breaks my parents hearts again, and he always breaks his children's (my niece and nephews) hearts again. I always feel I have to do all I can to make up for his mistakes, for the ones I love. I'm mentally & physically exhausted. My marriage has been shaky for the past few years, and dealing with all the physical and mental changes I've gone through since my cancer diagnosis, and now my mom is very ill and my brother is probably at his lowest point. He was sleeping in the basement full of roaches at the house of a crack addicted prostitute. And even she kicked him out.
My heart breaks for my parents, for my niece and nephews, and yes, even for my brother. What hell he must live in. We weren't exposed to that growing up, we weren't abused, we lived in a nice subdivision, our parents both were hard workers and neither are addicts or alcoholics. Sure, in high school, like most kids do, we drank at parties, experimented with different substances, but he just got stuck there. He has never been a responsible adult. Never had a checking account, a home or car loan, and with all his life changes when he was a young adult : his first child born, his best friend getting killed, his second child born, his first time in jail, his first time in PRISON, the first of many of his friends to die from an overdose, his being homeless, sleeping under a bridge- we always thought each new experience, good or bad, would be te catalyst for him to get clean. But it never is, and each time just gets worse.
Between my own hard times, and taking care of my household and helping take care of mom & dad's, all the stress and exhaustion has just about gotten me to the breaking point. The love of, and for, my mom and my little girls is what keeps me going, but I feel like I'm a car with an empty has tank, running on fumes.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I'm sorry for letting it get so long and rambling. I guess I really have alot I need to get off of my chest.
I am looking forward to being a part of the community here, I may ramble alot & write really long posts, but I always have an ear to lend, and alot of experience and advice to share in return
Thanks,
Heather
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Hi Heather, welcome to the board. Many of us can totally relate to your sense of powerlessness, despair and frustration of dealing with an addict. For some of us, it is our children. Others their partners. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and can't imagine how difficult it must be to see the toll it is taking on your parents and his children. Nar-anon would be a great source of comfort for all of you. When I finally drug myself through the doors I was so ready for any form of comfort that I just sat and cried. I finally felt I was among others who understood. This site has been a daily source of encouragement and information for me. I hope it will be for you as well. It takes a lot of strength and courage to finally admit we are powerless and our own lives have become unmanageable. Big hug to you today. Keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Hi Heather
Welcome to SR....there are so many people here who understand what you have been through and what you are feeling.
Sometimes addiction can be nipped in the bud quickly. Those are the wonderful scenarios that keep us hopeful. Then there are others, like yours (and many here), where the addict has a very low bottom. All of us have been through the early addiction part.....we know what that feels like.....we understand the hope of recovery. But when it goes on and on and on for years.....it's ok to say enough is enough. I need to take care of me......or addiction will take me down too.
I learned how to take care of myself in Nar-Anon and private counseling. It is possible to feel joy again.....even when someone you love is stuck in the despair of addiction.
I'm glad you're here. Stick around....ask questions...vent....and I hope you will begin to heal.
You're not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
Welcome to SR....there are so many people here who understand what you have been through and what you are feeling.
Sometimes addiction can be nipped in the bud quickly. Those are the wonderful scenarios that keep us hopeful. Then there are others, like yours (and many here), where the addict has a very low bottom. All of us have been through the early addiction part.....we know what that feels like.....we understand the hope of recovery. But when it goes on and on and on for years.....it's ok to say enough is enough. I need to take care of me......or addiction will take me down too.
I learned how to take care of myself in Nar-Anon and private counseling. It is possible to feel joy again.....even when someone you love is stuck in the despair of addiction.
I'm glad you're here. Stick around....ask questions...vent....and I hope you will begin to heal.
You're not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
I'm sorry to hear about your brother. My sister is also a heroin addict, and while I wish my mom would not continue to enable her, she isn't ready to make that decision yet. It's scary to think that a person can become a grown adult and not have the basic skills for self care, but drugs are cunning and powerful. My sister also used again upon release from jail. Both times.
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate with the kids and your mom's declining health. I'm glad you're looking into getting some support for yourself, both here and at local Nar-anon meetings. My relationship with my healthy fiance suffered as a result of my own guilt and anger surrounding my sister's ongoing struggle with drugs. All of my healthy relationships did. I finally figured out that I needed to save myself first, I couldn't save us both.
Drug addiction doesn't just affect drug addicts, it affects the whole family. I'm sorry for what brings you here, but I'm glad you found us. You don't have to go through this alone.
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate with the kids and your mom's declining health. I'm glad you're looking into getting some support for yourself, both here and at local Nar-anon meetings. My relationship with my healthy fiance suffered as a result of my own guilt and anger surrounding my sister's ongoing struggle with drugs. All of my healthy relationships did. I finally figured out that I needed to save myself first, I couldn't save us both.
Drug addiction doesn't just affect drug addicts, it affects the whole family. I'm sorry for what brings you here, but I'm glad you found us. You don't have to go through this alone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: on the lake
Posts: 335
My AS is 26. A very similar story to yours. Jail, rehab, jail, halfway house, more rehab, felony. He too started at 14. Ive tried many times not to enable, and failed. Im trying again now and it's very hard for a parent. He has two brothers that don't enable and Im sure I am a dissapointment to them. I think we all do what were strong enough to do at any particular moment in time. I have just come back to this sight after several years. It makes me stronger and saner. Keep reading and posting it will help you too. God bless you and your addict.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
Originally Posted by laketime 
My AS is 26. A very similar story to yours. Jail, rehab, jail, halfway house, more rehab, felony. He too started at 14. Ive tried many times not to enable, and failed. Im trying again now and it's very hard for a parent. He has two brothers that don't enable and Im sure I am a dissapointment to them. I think we all do what were strong enough to do at any particular moment in time. I have just come back to this sight after several years. It makes me stronger and saner. Keep reading and posting it will help you too. God bless you and your addict.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
Welcome Sookie! This is a great place to read, learn, share, vent and everything else. I'm sorry that you are going through all of the stress and heartache that an addict can bring to our lives. You are obviously a strong, tough cookie! You will find a lot of stress relief here too when you are feeling yucky and angry, just ready and respond to the posts. It's been so helpful for me!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Hi Heather,
I am relatively new here as well. I am so sorry to hear how much stress you have been going through. I have an AD who is 70 days sober. I have a Mom who lives in a different state with Alzheimers that my dad has the brunt of her care but my husband and I go about 5-6 times a year for weeks at a time. My sister goes once a year for 4 days. It is just my dad and I really. My husband and I also have a lot going on with his Mom. I cannot imagine all you are going through having had cancer as well. I can tell you this is a wonderful place with people who are so compassionate and caring. I will pray for you tonight that things get better. We cannot control the addict but we can control what we do. Make sure to take care of yourself. I'm glad you found this place and I hope it brings you some comfort. Hugs.
I am relatively new here as well. I am so sorry to hear how much stress you have been going through. I have an AD who is 70 days sober. I have a Mom who lives in a different state with Alzheimers that my dad has the brunt of her care but my husband and I go about 5-6 times a year for weeks at a time. My sister goes once a year for 4 days. It is just my dad and I really. My husband and I also have a lot going on with his Mom. I cannot imagine all you are going through having had cancer as well. I can tell you this is a wonderful place with people who are so compassionate and caring. I will pray for you tonight that things get better. We cannot control the addict but we can control what we do. Make sure to take care of yourself. I'm glad you found this place and I hope it brings you some comfort. Hugs.
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